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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ex is refusing to bring 19 month old son home!

617 replies

Notlong2go · 24/03/2021 22:29

I posted a thread yesterday about how my ex is demanding to have our 4 and a half month old every weekend which I won’t agree to.
Today he picked up our 19 month old like usual and then later called me to tell me I won’t be getting him back until I take him to court or let him see our youngest.

So I have never refused to let him see any of the children but, I just don’t want him having our youngest overnight at this young age, especially when he has never spent any time alone with him.
He told me last night he was going to pick both children up and I told him it wouldn’t be possible to have my baby today and we would have to arrange something but, because of this he has said I am stopping him seeing his son so now refuses to bring our older son home!

This has made me even more certain I don’t trust him to take my baby away from my home alone!!

OP posts:
WisnaeMe · 26/03/2021 21:39

😳

RevolvingPivot · 26/03/2021 22:11

Do you know where he lives?
Have you spoken to your son?
Is he used to being with his dad and away from you?

hereyehearye · 27/03/2021 09:05

Oh well, if you're determined to stay with the new guy, I would get on bullet proof birth control. Long term birth control that cannot be tampered with and is kept secret from him. Seriously do not show him your pills or let him have a chance to tamper with anything.

As you can see, abusive men assert control through children. A good way to avoid that with your new boyfriend is not to have children with him or insert him as a surrogate father to your own children. That way if he turns out to be less than brilliant, you can get rid of him guilt free.

It's worth trying.

KarmaNoMore · 27/03/2021 09:20

@hereyehearye there are three type ls of abused women.

  • The ones who have the strength to escape their abusers and rebuild their lives
  • The ones who are so affected by the abuse, they cannot longer leave because they have given up hope of a brighter future
  • the ones who are in dead marriages, neglected or abuse by their husbands but who claim to be staying for the sake of the children when in reality they are only staying for the money in lifestyle the abuser brings them.

So instead of asking single mums experiencing a terrible ordeal to keep their legs crossed, consider finding enough compassion in your judgemental heart to keep your mouth shut Biscuit

worried3012 · 27/03/2021 09:25

I understand why it was suggested but I wouldn't go to his employers just yet. You're doing everything the right way, showing only concern for yourself and acting reasonably and not vindictive which will be useful in front of the court.
I hope you get to see him tomorrow.
The judge should know that you now have a complete lack of trust in ex that he will return DC after contact in future.

worried3012 · 27/03/2021 09:28

[quote KarmaNoMore]**@hereyehearye there are three type ls of abused women.

  • The ones who have the strength to escape their abusers and rebuild their lives
  • The ones who are so affected by the abuse, they cannot longer leave because they have given up hope of a brighter future
  • the ones who are in dead marriages, neglected or abuse by their husbands but who claim to be staying for the sake of the children when in reality they are only staying for the money in lifestyle the abuser brings them.

So instead of asking single mums experiencing a terrible ordeal to keep their legs crossed, consider finding enough compassion in your judgemental heart to keep your mouth shut Biscuit[/quote]
Exactly.

OP should ignore @hereyehearye's wild and irrelevant speculation about the OP's love life and not being on birth control and focus on getting child back. OP has already stated the boyfriend is not involved around the kids.

Bumblebee1980a · 27/03/2021 10:42

Can you take someone with you and go and get him whilst the father is at work? I mean you would have to keep calm and say "I'm here to pick up my son". If he comes to the door just scoop him up and take him home.

Easier said than done but I just can't think of anything else.

Honestly really feel for you OP 😩

Lentillover1900 · 27/03/2021 11:03

I am a single parent
Much older than the OP’s
And I’m baffled —and a bit disturbed— how the OP could find the time even date, let alone have a proper new relationship with someone with such very young children.
I know you say only the evenings and the boyfriend has never met the children but how does that work with a 9 year old, a toddler and a 4.5 month old?!

isadorapolly · 27/03/2021 11:04

[quote Blockedoff]@isadorapolly you called the OP a slag, not me! I said that the life was chaotic!

Says much more about you than me!!

Why do you feel the need to call her a slag? [/quote]
Don’t be thick. I didn’t say she was, you were inferring she is.

Original poster
Notlong2go · 27/03/2021 11:07

So to update everybody. I received a text from My ex which said
“He's good , you can have [name redacted by MNHQ] back Sunday but we are to speak about shit first , no arguing! Just both of us got to compromise”

🥳👏🏻 so he will be home tomorrow! And everything he has said in the text is what I have been saying from the start but, seems being a FT dad for a few days has made him realise.

OP posts:
MazekeenSmith · 27/03/2021 11:09

I expect he's had enough of the grind of looking after a child by himself Hmm
Make sure you get a court order before you hand either of those children over again ever

HamFisted · 27/03/2021 11:09

Excellent result, OP! So pleased x

Don't let him hold you over a barrel with his, 'speaking about shit' though. Is there anyone who can be there with you as backup when DS is dropped off?

Lentillover1900 · 27/03/2021 11:09

Do not let this derail you

You need to finalise legally OP

BlackCatShadow · 27/03/2021 11:11

Definitely go ahead with court whatever he says.

Blockedoff · 27/03/2021 11:17

@isadorapolly saying that the OPs life is chaotic and she needs to concentrate on the children and not a new partner is NOT calling someone a slag.

I honestly thought that term was not even used anymore, women are as entitled as men to have as many partners as they want.

However, I still feel the life is chaotic.

I can't believe you would even use such a derogatory term for a woman. But it shows how your mind works......

MazekeenSmith · 27/03/2021 11:17

Don't tell him you're going to court. Don't agree to anything. Just say the minimum to get your kid back and get out of there.

grandpacificpineapple · 27/03/2021 11:19

Great your son is coming home and as you say, the full time care clearly is too much for him. My gentle suggestion would be to not engage in discussion on the door step. It's unlikely to stay calm or go well. Suggest an email dialogue so there's clear trail of discussions and package that's it's to ensure you both can express your views clearly. Also can you still get a court order so you have residency and clear arrangements? It's unlikely a judge will agree to overnights for an exclusively breast fed baby of that age.
Have you also looked at getting a non molestation order? The beauty of these are that if he does kick off or attempt abuse against you it's a criminal breach and he can be arrested.
Good luck and if you can keep us updated on how you get on that would be great

worried3012 · 27/03/2021 11:23

Oh that's great news,
Do stick to the court plans as you don't want him to ever pull this shit again and you don't want to be fearful every time you hand them over that he'll do this again.

FelicityPike · 27/03/2021 11:25

Great news!
Have someone in the house with you when he comes with the child and for his “talk about shit” chat! Record it on your phone (but tell him that first.)
Then get your court order before he gets any more contact!
Good luck today!!

Bumblebee1980a · 27/03/2021 11:38

@MazekeenSmith

Don't tell him you're going to court. Don't agree to anything. Just say the minimum to get your kid back and get out of there.

This.

Original poster
Notlong2go · 27/03/2021 11:48

Thank you everybody.
I know that he is just going to tell me I’m not allowed a certain person in my home and if I want him there i will have to allow him to have our youngest too.
I will record any conversation we have as I know he will most likely start shouting if he doesn’t get his way about something.

I just feel so disgusted at him for doing this. He has chosen many times to not see his son for over a week but, I have never had him away from me for this long.

As for the comments about my chaotic life, tbh my life is chaotic right now but, the only reason for that is him. He is causing the chaos. I am entitled to see someone else and I have told him I haven’t introduced him to the children. I have male friends that I have been friends and they have been around the children and he doesn’t mind that.
If I had gotten into a relationship with a woman he didn’t know he wouldn’t bat an eyelid.
It’s just all about him exerting control as always

OP posts:
HamFisted · 27/03/2021 12:00

I think you need to tell him that you're recording the conversation in order for it to be admissible as evidence in court proceedings, (but I'm not sure about that, so worth a check). At the very least, telling him he is being recorded will hopefully help him keep things civil. Is there an adult you can have there with you?

MazekeenSmith · 27/03/2021 12:03

Don't tell him you are recording him. Don't do anything to antagonise him before you are safely out of there with your child.

Lentillover1900 · 27/03/2021 12:04

Perhaps he has an issue with you seeing him as against covid regulations?

Sugarygoodness · 27/03/2021 12:07

As a PP said, I bet he's had a glimpse of the daily grind of full time parenting, and wants you to go back to doing it all, but with him in control.
He wants to appear gracious, but in reality he is saving face rather than admit he can't cope.
I'd offer him 50/50 of both and watch the colour drain from his face.

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