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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ex is refusing to bring 19 month old son home!

617 replies

Notlong2go · 24/03/2021 22:29

I posted a thread yesterday about how my ex is demanding to have our 4 and a half month old every weekend which I won’t agree to.
Today he picked up our 19 month old like usual and then later called me to tell me I won’t be getting him back until I take him to court or let him see our youngest.

So I have never refused to let him see any of the children but, I just don’t want him having our youngest overnight at this young age, especially when he has never spent any time alone with him.
He told me last night he was going to pick both children up and I told him it wouldn’t be possible to have my baby today and we would have to arrange something but, because of this he has said I am stopping him seeing his son so now refuses to bring our older son home!

This has made me even more certain I don’t trust him to take my baby away from my home alone!!

OP posts:
itsgettingwierd · 25/03/2021 18:13

Make sure any conversations you are having are via text or email or something.

As much as of course you are entitled to your own life I would out your current relationship on hold to remove that argument from him.

When you get a moment you can gather your thoughts write down a list of everything. Your reasons for contact you want, why you believe it's in children's interests and what else you want from court hearing.

He's being clever stating it's concern for the children. It's a valid reason to take a child - what you need to do is show that they aren't at risk and previous behaviour calls this into question.

LittleOwl153 · 25/03/2021 18:15

When you get that court order insist that a penal order is included if the child is not returned to the primary carer when the order says. It is the only thing the police can act on.

CirqueDeMorgue · 25/03/2021 18:18

@warriorsmain sounds about right, my ex told the police he had reason to believe my daughter should not be in my care (load of bollocks, it was pure spite) and they said the same, they couldn't get any more involved. Obviously, once it went to Court, he was ordered to return her immediately. The police are basically powerless here.

LakieLady · 25/03/2021 18:29

You must be going through hell, OP. I can't begin to imagaine how tough this is for you.

He really is an A1 shit.I hope you get a hearing date really soon, or that your twat of an ex comes to his senses and brings your boy home.

SunshineCake · 25/03/2021 18:42

I really hope you get your son home tomorrow and ignite the bitchy comments.

CirqueDeMorgue · 25/03/2021 18:49

As much as of course you are entitled to your own life I would out your current relationship on hold to remove that argument from him.

I wouldn't. I would happily agree to not introducing to the DC for a good while but as you say, OP is entitled to a life.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 25/03/2021 18:56

He'd have to back up his claims that it's not safe for your child to be with you.

He also can't be that concerned if your other child is with you.

Can you get a timeline together of all the times he'd had contact, been offered it etc?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 25/03/2021 19:02

Good luck tomorrow OP. Although this might be slightly confusing from your son’s perspective, this won’t be nearly so traumatic for him as it is for you.

warriorsmain · 25/03/2021 19:04

@CirqueDeMorgue what an awful situation. The children that I knew were being neglected by the primary carer so in this instance it worked out for the best which is kind of why I thought it would work the other way round too. Ridiculous system at times.

bloodywhitecat · 25/03/2021 19:07

Good luck tomorrow, I will be willing things to go your way.

CandyLeBonBon · 25/03/2021 19:08

Oh op. I'm so sorry you're going through this. My ex did this with one of my dogs. Took him a refused to bring him back and it was awful. And that was just a dog. I remember how sick I felt about it all. It must be 1000x worse for you and I completely sympathise. I do hope you get some joy tomorrow @Notlong2go

canigooutyet · 25/03/2021 19:10

His claims could be the new man. Depends if he's met the children or not yet, previous history with police or Social service etc.
Normally wouldn't be any of his business and courts would legally tell him to fuck off. However, Corona legislation also has to be considered.

Police not getting involved is nothing new unless they have reason to believe the child is in danger. Gets even more complicated when they can have a voice as I found out over a decade ago and one of my dd's, then aged 14 moved in with another none related family. She saw the grass wasn't greener and came home 3 weeks later.

MazekeenSmith · 25/03/2021 19:11

I'm so sorry this is happening to you all. Best of luck tomorrow

AmyandPhilipfan · 25/03/2021 19:23

I don’t really have anything further to suggest than others have said but I really feel for you as I know I would be beside myself in this situation. As others have said, screenshot and print out all texts and emails in which he mentions the children, including your responses if they prove you being reasonable. A written timeline of contacts with the children would be good including reasons why he’s not had the baby and comments he’s made about babies being boring etc. Also, a short timeline if your relationship with dates of DV, any contact you’ve had with other agencies due to these etc. So that if it is ever needed you have a ton load of evidence.

As a foster carer I would always recommend your local authority’s Emergency Duty Team. They deal with issues relating to concerns about children and can send police and/or social workers to addresses to check on children and remove them if necessary.

And after you get your toddler back there is no way in hell I’d be giving him unsupervised contact for either child after this without a court order mandating it - and hopefully any court would insist he had supervised contact only.

RevolvingPivot · 25/03/2021 19:46

Haven't you been with your bf a year or was that someone else?

Original poster
Notlong2go · 25/03/2021 20:07

He will definitely not be taking him again until there is an order in place. I hate him so much for thinking this isn’t acceptable!

OP posts:
Original poster
Notlong2go · 25/03/2021 20:17

I’m so pissed off with his family too! His mum is scared to really tell him he’s wrong, and his Nan is letting him stay at hers with our son knowing he’s withholding him from me

OP posts:
TheAugusta · 25/03/2021 20:18

What an utter bastard, I feel so awful for you and your little boy. Of course a 4.5 month old baby should not be away from their mother for more than a few hours and especially with someone who they don’t know! I really hope your little one is home soon and that it is recognised he is continuing his abuse of you through his refusal to bring your son home - as coercive control and emotional abuse is hopefully more widely legally recognised now I hope this will mean you can get some official support to prevent him acting like this again.

MNHQ
RivkaMumsnet · 25/03/2021 20:38

Hi OP, we can see that you have asked on the thread how to get it moved. We will move this thread to Relationships for you now.

hereyehearye · 25/03/2021 20:42

The irony here OP is that your ex is right but for the wrong reasons.

He's is an abusive piece of shit. A horrible child abusing piece of shit.

But you should not be in a relationship right now. Your baby to this man is 5 months old. You have not had any time to do any of the work to heal or crucially to do the self esteem work to avoid picking another man like this horrible ex.

Your new man is probably also a danger to your baby but his true colours haven't come out yet. Your ex sees your new partner as a thread to him which is wrong but he's certainly a threat to you.

I'm sure you're shaking your head and your new boyfriend is perfect and nothing like your ex but did your ex seem like a psycho at first? Please put your children first and just end it. I seriously suggest that you just stay single for a year or so and just focus on providing some stability for your children.

Worldwide2 · 25/03/2021 20:45

@Notlong2go This is pure torture for you I can only imagine the panick and terror you just be going through. What an evil piece of shit. I hope he brings him back soon when he thinks he's 'punished' you enough.
Definitely do not let him see either of them until a court order. I really hope you get your baby back soon. Pls update us if this happens

mathanxiety · 25/03/2021 20:52

Men cant fucking win!!

Oh yes they fucking can, and they do it all the fucking time in family court.

If this man wanted to see his children on a regular basis he could have gone to court when he and the OP separated, and petitioned for a visitation schedule. It doesn't cost much and anyone can compose a petition.

If he wanted to continue to abuse his former partner using the children as pawns, otoh, he could do exactly what he has done, and he could get away with it. And he will, until the OP goes to court to try to get the child returned and a civilised agreement in place.

He could have offered to pay child support too, for his children. But men don't have to do that if they don't want to...

This is how men win and win and win and win.

WisnaeMe · 25/03/2021 20:54

Men cant fucking win!!

literally speechless at this 😳

AmyLou100 · 25/03/2021 21:02

Sending a hug op. I can't imagine how anxious and worried you are. I pray your baby is back with you soon. X

Original poster
Notlong2go · 25/03/2021 21:14

@hereyehearye I was in an abusive relationship with him and looking back there we’re signs that I am now aware we’re markers of his violent behaviour to come.
We have also been broken up for over a year and I have been alone for a long time. Unfortunately I was stupid enough for fall for his tricks again and got pregnant with our youngest little boy even though we were not together.
My children have been my focus constantly. I have been single since I was pregnant with our 19 month old son.
Now I have made many of stupid decisions in my lifetime but, that’s not what I wrote this post for.
I do not have another man living with me and he has only ever been at my home along with my sister.

I am even afraid to have him around my house again because my ex hasn’t told me he will drive past my house every morning and night to make Sure he isn’t at my house

OP posts:
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