Dating Thread 201: Get out from under your 3 month wonder and widen your areas

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

I agree @bangheadhere40 & @havecourage8bekind that the apps do not encourage good behaviour and also make multiple options available. It definitely used to be much easier back in the day with nowhere near the second guessing.

I saw a memes yesterday which had an old fashioned dial phone that had the receiver off the hook and it said something along the lines of “back when I used to date, this is how we screened calls” it made me laugh as is so true!

Afraid I have to disagree with you there....Mr LW didn't kiss me but he didn't respond enthusiastically and was willing to travel miles to walk around in the freezing cold in December and January with me...

Sorry @SnowyWinterDays i'd say he's not interested in being more than a friend

Lol differing opinions, thanks both of you and nice to get a blokes opinion.

Ive not heard from him today on Facebook or watsapp. I feel a bit silly now giving him my number

@SnowyWinterDays, I think it's natural to want a pretty swift response and get a feel for what he might be thinking about you but it's still not even midday. Although you established you were both single, your chats with him so far have not focused on dating but rather the shared interest ? I don't think you should write the situation off just yet.

Thanks for the reply. Its mainly been about the shared hobby so far although we did talk about how we are both single which is why we both have so much time for the hobby.

I was hoping he might suggest we do the hobby together but he never lol.

snowy I'm not sure what more you can do really...if he knows you are single, and he's definitely single and you've given him your number then I think you're just going to have to sit tight and see if he gets in touch.

I'm hardly a dating expert though so maybe don't listen to me 😁

Yeah I think it's wise now to just wait to see if he makes th first move, which I hope he will. I'm so sick of second guessing everything, anyone else!? My un-named iron is fizzling out (as always!). Started off falling asleep mid convo with no goodnight text, then the next morning 'sorry I fell asleep' texts have started dropping off. Talking less in general aswell, although we get on so well when we do chat. He fell asleep (or got bored) mid convo last night & haven't heard anything today. I think that's a bit rude? Even just a "sorry I fell asleep on you! Have a good day!". I know he starts work at 2 so no hope for a conversation today as he doesn't text during work (think key worker + sirens!) And finishes at midnight. Wondering why I even care so much about some random I've never met!

I hear you courage

The worst ones are the ones that don't ask questions and it's like pulling teeth. I give up now if anyone doesn't ask questions, a conversation should be a 2 way street.

That sounds a bit rude of your iron..that's another thing that irritates me, if you are chatting then they just 'disappear'. Has the conversation ended / hasn't it...do I go now or wait for a reply, who knows!

My last one would just vanish like that with no explanation ( fallen asleep ) I found it really rude!

@bangheadhere40 I know! That's why I thought I'd bagged myself a decent iron because when we chat it's SO easy...he asks questions and it flows. My last text to him last night had a question in it aswell, which makes the no follow up message today feel even ruder! The nice part of me wants to send him a message now saying "Have a good shift!x" but I think I'm just being too available!? Drives me mad

Yeah, don't message again if you asked a question and he didn't reply. I would find that really rude of him. I know everyone's texting styles are different but still, I think that's rude of him at the time he should be trying to put his 'best self' forward.

@bangheadhere40 that's the exact advice I needed to read...won't be messaging! The annoying thing is, when he does eventually message me (probs tomorrow now) I'll be like a kid at Christmas...I need a life

😁 I know what you mean about being a kid at Christmas, think we all are, I need a life as well!

I just think wouldn't I feel better if I knew they were interested rather than me running all the time. I chased after my last one so much and got nothing back and I don't want to feel like that again.

I agree with things being so much easier before the apps. No worrying about if they were still speaking to or dating others and no blue ticks on WhatsApp.

Also I think now I'm in my 40s, and meeting people of a similar age who have come out of long relationships/marriages, it just seems that we're all a bit broken and much more guarded now.

When I met my last long term partner 10 years ago, I felt fresh-faced and enthusiastic about where the relationship might go - maybe a bit innocent and naive. 10 years later, there just seems to be much more baggage to contend with - both with myself, and the people I meet. Does anyone else feel like that?

I’m not a big messager myself so am biased but do think it’s a bit hard committing to message continuously.

Even if I was mad about someone I’m not sure I could commit to regular WhatsApp chatting for long periods of time. My mental health often means I have to try to go screen free regularly.

I’ve been very tempted to switch to just basic old school texting with no read notifications

as then there’s less pressure to have a “conversation” and you kind of only get in touch about important stuff.

Maybe in “online profiles” we could put how often we like texting and calling and WhatsApp chatting so no-one is second guessing anyone’s preferences !

What does my nut in is MrMilitary being a “message hypocrite” - a few times he’s sent messages he wants a reply to you see him popping back online every thirty seconds and commenting on how long I’ve been typing for 😳

Then he’s flaky about replying to direct questions.

“What time do you want to meet? I need to work out my travel schedule”

“Haha ok lol ru missing me?”

Oh definitely cat so much harder as you get older. I used to be really naive and just more excited about things. Now I'm always questioning everything and what means what. I don't think I'm aligned to the modern apps dating style, it can fuel my insecurities.

And it's not usually something you discuss with any prospects ( baggage) as you don't want to put them off and worry what they will think, I do anyway. Maybe they think the same though...I don't know and definitely overthink things.

I find it so difficult and nerve wracking though, especially with the amount of ghosting that goes on.

God that is annoying @SpringlikeBunk. Someone did similar to me and even changed my name on their phone to noodles typing. Was lovely, sent loads of messages and then (after jokingly asking me to marry him as we sent the same response to a question at the same time) ghosted me. I called him out on it a few days later only to be blocked. Unbelievable!

I do agree with you @TheCatWithTheHat in that being mid 40’s everyone is more guarded and has some form of baggage. It has been 15 years since I last dated and it really has been a shock to the system!

100% agree @TheCatWithTheHat

This morning in my therapy session I cried because just talking through things with her made me realise there's only the smallest sliver of hope of it working with Mr HT and it's diminishing by the day.

I don't know if his communication in January was the norm and now the huge void is a result of anxiety (he's told me he's suffering from that)
Or if January was him trying to win me over and now is the norm and all I can ever expect.
I'm so sad knowing eventually it's going to fade away.

I live a life of the ultra capable woman, holding down a tough career, travelling (pre covid), parenting, having my own place and having time for friends and hobbies etc. My desire is for a relationship where I'm not having to be the capable organiser or manager, yet I think I'm attracting people who see the ultra capable side and expect me to be like that with them. I'm mentally exhausted, I want someone to have fun with and share the load of planning that fun. I want to know I'm going to see the person I like next week, not sit here wondering when I'll see them again.

She said one day it will work out, but I truly don't believe it. I've never had an equal partnership.

My ExH came round unannounced to talk about DD1 (21) we are literally at a loss on how to deal with her. It descended into me explaining we did it to ourselves because we never agreed on parenting her and I did everything to provide boundaries and he let her do whatever until they kept secrets from me. I said we are reaping what we sowed. It ended up in a fight about the marriage breakdown. It confirmed everything I always knew - we see the faults our marriage from polar opposites and divorce is right.

He had a go at my (what can only be described as emotional but not biological mum) for not answering a text. So I reminded him that she has continued to talk to him, send Christmas presents birthday wishes etc. Because she knows we have to coparent for many more years, therefore why would she treat him differently.
What about his parents? He said they ask me all the time how you are.... I said well what's the point in that. They can't even send me a birthday card anymore?? After 14 years of being my PILs and you are moaning that C didn't answer your text.... he still can't see my perspective.
Oh and he speaks to my bio mum more than I do (I'm the bad guy because how dare I leave my DH).

We argued a bit then I just said this just shows 2 years after counselling we still can't see eye to eye, I don't have the answer for DD1 and need to work.

I know I shouldn't engage in these conversations but all in it just reminds me there's no point in trying to date. It's fucking pointless, even if I found an ok one, will I be here in 14 years again??

Aw sorry craving sounds tough. A lot of similarities with me..decent job, own place, friends etc but when it comes to relationships I struggle.

How you are describing Mr HT sounds like my old iron and it can really knock your confidence. I feel better now I'm not in touch with mine and the anxiety has lifted of will he / won't he etc. I'm not sure why it affected me so much but he was definitely in the avoidant category which didn't suit me at all.

At least I've realised I need someone that can be more open and easier to communicate with.

@cravingthelook sorry your having a hard time.

similarities with me too, decent house, job, kid etc and I am happy with all that, i just want someone to share it with. for someone to want to see me, not for me to feel like I'm nagging them to do it. this year has not been great and have been feeling very teary the last few days again.

Speaking to 1 iron who has been on/off for a long time. I don't even know what we are now. nothing I guess if I'm honest. down to an odd message each day, haven't had a proper convo in a while hence why I don't know what we are. he's not the chattiest so I have stopped messaging as much. matching his input really. I'm so sad. I want more and he knows it. part of me wants to block and delete but I think i have other friends I only speak to every few day so maybe that's all he is, a friend and its childish to block when we could talk every so often.

I agree with an earlier poster. my last proper relationship was long and its now so much harder, no one wants to open up and just tell the truth about what they want or how they feel. it could all be so much simpler if they did.

I don't even want to go back on the apps but I want someone.

Lonely isn't it...and so damn difficult. My kids will be going soon so another weekend on my own ☹

Used to it now but it doesn't make it any easier just being stuck in with nothing to do.

Just another one chiming in that everything in my life is good same as others have said, good job, own place, amazing friends and full life (in normal tines) but love life pretty much always been an absolute fricking disaster? I dont get it as a lot of my good and oldest friends are married or in LTRs with kids and are happy but Ive always been the odd one out in that sense but i cant be a bad person as i have so many lovely friends!?! Dont get it

I think id be the ‘avoidant’ type.. maybe thats why... who knows though

So Ive not heard anything from Mr Facebook today when we've been chatting everyday before I think the number has put him of.

@SnowyWinterDays well then he’s a coward because he obviously doesn’t feel a romantic connection but would rather drop off contact than say that up front. I would definitely hold back on contacting him yourself and see what happens over the weekend with him.

@Shayelle2009 you are absolutely not a bad person. You’re just someone who hasn’t met your good person yet. If you have avoidant tendencies it also makes it harder as you can close things off too soon or not be open at all in the first place (speaking from experience!). From your posts here you seem very self aware and extremely lovely so don’t let this dating lark let you think anything otherwise.

Another non weekend to look forward to for us all. Is anyone dating? I should be child free but ex is messing me around so probably won’t get to see Mr TG, if he was even in a position to meet in the first place

I want someone to have fun with and share the load of planning that fun. I want to know I'm going to see the person I like next week, not sit here wondering when I'll see them again

This struck a chord from your post @cravingthelook because that’s exactly what I want , preferably with Mr TG, but he hasn’t stepped up thus far I’d love if he messaged about the weekend as he would be assuming I’m child free but I expect he won’t, even after I told him he needed to arrange our next meet when he blew me out last time ... 🤷‍♀️