Dating Thread 201: Get out from under your 3 month wonder and widen your areas

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Hmm little update here...

Mr Green suggested a meet up Easter weekend...
We were texting, as we do every day/night and he said he'd like to 'pop in for a coffee' that weekend cz he thinks the kids are at their Dads.
I didn't ask, he suggested it, so he's obviously interested right?
I'm looking forward to it but won't be getting my hopes up too much in case he cancels again x

Do you have a favourite peach? I hate the whole wondering if they are talking to others. I normally prefer just talking to one anyway, I have said to irons before I prefer just getting to know one at a time and then see what their response is.

That's probably the wrong attitude to have...I think I'd get muddled up if there were a few though and forget who I'd said what to etc.

Oh and I meant to say @PrizePeach look at rule 12. If you can't be open, honest and authentic ... then they aren't the one for you. If they are 'put off' by a bio update, that seems a bit sensitive so would you want them?

@WingingItAtLife yes he wants to see you, just go with it.

I agree just update your bio as you want to...especially now with the lockdown situation it’s hard for things with one person to progress at normal pace anyway?

The whole “three month wonder” observation was great in that I find a lot of online dating interactions tend to fizzle out even if we’ve agreed to go steady. Or we find compatibility issues at that stage even if we have good chemistry initially.

So although I used to be fairly rigid about having one preferred chat or iron on the go now I’m a bit more open/relaxed.

I don’t really want to collect lots of guys I’m only half into plus dating lots physically tires me out!

, but also I’m not trying to pick “the one” after a few chats and a couple good dates.

@SortingItOut

It sounds to me as if him saying he was "sulking" was just a turn of phrase. It was probably more likely regrouping and trying to work out what to do next, before taking action. I might say I sulked about something but not actually be sulking, nor displaying sulky behaviour.

I love all this advice! So helpful. Thank you to all the OLD vets on here.

So, what would you do? I am in London and lucky that there are plenty of guys to match with ( whether they choose to match with me is a different question though!). I have been actively back on Tinder recently - planning for ease of lockdown restrictions and hopefully a few dates! Anyway, have been chatting to a couple from abroad. One guy, let's call him Mr Media Exec from US sounds great and tells me that now the vaccine is being rolled out there, he should be over to London regularly ( ish!). Probably not for a month or two though, after his second vaccine. He sounds fun and Whatsapps me every day and throughout the day. ( Assuming he must be chatting to women in US too though.... why wouldn't you?) I would really like to meet him as he is one of the more interesting types and he is keen. But I am thinking that I should probably keep swiping just in case he can't get here and then I have wasted a couple of months - and let's face it..... we have all wasted a lot of time recently! Or should I just sack him off completely and hope I can get a few more matches here instead?

Thanks all!

@Headkandii

I would personally stick with staying in touch with him if you enjoy it, and also keep swiping.

I mean don’t swipe if you get bored (or don’t want to as it’s too intense)

but not “for the sake of a guy you haven’t met”? Still be open to others, even if you don’t want to be on the apps all the time.

Maybe it’s just me but I’d also tone the contact down/try to pace it a little until I’d met FTF especially if there’s a big gap in potentially meeting?

I’d just be worried about having too much contact and then getting overinvested and not meeting anyone else.

I’d also be a bit worried about feeling I was being “primed/groomed” for physical intimacy on the first meet as he was only around for a little while (nothing wrong if you can handle it emotionally but I know I’d get attached if he was nice) and then it might be difficult.

@PrizePeach my view of this is if you're just chatting, then it's perfectly fine to update your bio.

If you've met and are dating, then it gets a bit tricker - I'd take it as a sign that someone wasn't that keen on me and didn't care what I thought if it was that obvious they were still looking to chat to new people. As much as we all know most people do chat to others as well, it's nice to not have it made obvious.

If you're not fussed about any of them walking away, then go for it. If you like any enough to worry about what they might think, then maybe it's time to have a chat and see where things are heading?

@Headkandii I agree with Spring - if you're enjoying chatting to him then there's no reason to sack him off, but don't let that stop you from seeing who else is out there.

Also with these long term chats, especially those from other countries it's definitely worth keeping in mind rule 4 - It's all BS until it actually happens.

@Headkandii definitely keep your options open - you owe him nothing. Incidentally, I've had the most amount of BS from Americans and I'm convinced there's more catfishing from there than the UK; also based on friends' experiences. Make sure you know who you're talking to.

@cravingthelook @bangheadhere40 @SpringlikeBunk @TheCatWithTheHat

Thank you all for your advice. I am past the chatting stage with a few of them already. Mr Hipster and Mr Smiley I found on my first day of OLD and I'm still chatting to them now and have met them both several times. They have both said they cant wait to take me on a proper date when we can and if all goes well then my gut feeling is to see Mr Smiley exclusively, but going by rule 4 I need to see if any of this happens!

Then more recently I have Mr Goat, Mr Orange Juice and Mr Dweeb. Mr Goat is definitely more direct about us potentially dating than the others but I'm not sure how I feel about him at this stage.

I think you are all right that I should just update my profile/bio/photos. I'm not going to mention it to any of them but if they raise the question I can answer it honestly and if they don't like it then I guess that's that.

Why did I have to become single in a lockdown!!

@SpringlikeBunk @TheCatWithTheHat @WeWantTheFinestWines - thank you - yep, good points.
To be honest, after this sex desert, I am happy to be groomed with a view to a first night session! Been too too long
It's a good point about checking these guys out - and I have. Mr Media Exec has revealed quite a bit about himself already and he checks out.
But I will of course keep swiping and hope to meet guys here too. I will not limit my options. Mind you, that supposes I will actually get some that are a bit closer to home!

Hey everyone, Im new and could do with some help.

Theres a man who I met on Facebook of all places, ive not met him but we have chatted a bit over our mutual hobby ( I met him in a group for the hobby).

Hes told me hes single and ive told him im single to. I quite like him and would like to see him and go out on a date but im to scared to ask incase hes not interested lol.

I guess my question is do I say something or leave it? If he was interested he would ask me right ?

snowy hi and welcome!

I'm of the opinion that if he knows you're single and he's single and he's not made it clear then he probably isn't interested sorry.

I had this a bit with my last iron and was questioning if he was or wasn't interested ( he wasn't).

I would need a guy to tell me they were interested or I wouldn't know if they are being polite / just going along with it. I need quite a lot of reassurance though, some posters may say just to ask him.

It’s hard to read @SnowyWinterDays without knowing the exact circumstances.

I’d be tempted to close a chat about the hobby with “nice chatting, would be great to discuss this in person over coffee and a walk in some time!

Drop me a text or WhatsApp if you fancy arranging on 6436788”

So you’ve given him a way to pick things up if he wants

I’d leave it at that really - see if he picks up on it.

I wouldn’t get into trying to be flirty or dropping hints or organising things yourself beyond that.

If the response is lukewarm or a brush off then that’s your answer

Thanks ladies - very helpful advice.

I think Im going to go with the last posters advice and give him my number and hope that he gets the hint lol if he doesnt message me then or ask to meet I will take that as my answer 😅

@snowywinterdays good luck! I think that's the best thing to do, leave it in his court with your number. Let us know how it goes x

Hi all,

Just had a lovely chat with Mr GC. He wants us to go out soon

So ladies I was having a chat with him tonight and gave him my number.

He messaged me pretty fast and said hello on watsapp and carried on chatting about the hobby then went.

I should leave this now I think he didnt seem excited to get my number lol 😅

snowy ah well, at least you tried - he might just not want to be too full on and message you again. I think I'd leave the next move to him now though.

I hate all this about dating, I was thinking back to when I was younger and how things were more direct. A boy would say they fancy you, you say you fancy them too and then you might go out with eachother! It was more like a 3 hour / day wonder back then but still seemed easier.

@bangheadhere40 I've not dated in years (just out of a ten year relationship) and I couldn't agree more! No way would a guy have washed three weeks of his life messaging me all day every day, to then decide he doesn't actually see us meeting despite us talking about not being able to wait to meet?! What a waste of time for both parties. I remember dating just being...I like you.. I do/don't like you..nice, fancy going on a date? The whole thing is just awful nowadays. I also hate the not knowing how many they have on the go at one time, with so many options it's hard for them to fully commit or come away from the apps and want to choose you!

*wasted. Not washed!

I know courage it's awful. I guess back in the day there weren't so many options so you would like eachother / go out and that was that. A guy wouldn't just think he will look through 100 other women after your date - he couldn't anyway.

I don't think these apps encourage good behaviour really!

Thats lovely @OnwardsEverStridingOnwards hope you gave a great little meet up soon 😊

@SnowyWinterDays I have to say I've never expressed excitement about getting someone's phone number and WhatsApping them. It's a continuation of whatever interesting, stimulating, exciting conversation we were having before that.

There's another poster here @LongtimelurkerL who experienced a similar sort of start with the guy she's dating, and in her case a bit of patience was required. Speaking as a middle aged bloke, more than slightly jaded by online encounters, it's really unlikely that I'm going to be falling over myself with excitement about someone I don't really know that well. I know your situation is different, with the shared hobby, but I think I'd be the same in that case too. If I was you I wouldn't drop it right now - see how it goes - the conversation might broaden into learning about other areas of each others lives and you can take a bit of time to get to know each other.