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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating Thread 201: Get out from under your 3 month wonder and widen your areas

990 replies

cravingthelook · 22/03/2021 18:37

The Rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. Know your worth.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
BLTLover · 05/04/2021 17:37

I've had sex with someone in the past and then been ghosted. He acted all keen then as soon as we had sex disappeared. I'd rather he just said he wanted a shag end of

ThisTooShallBeFantastic · 05/04/2021 17:52

Unfortunately some men just want to play a power game: get you into bed/to say you like them, then treat you like shit. These men don’t like women, they actively want to make you feel bad. It’s pathetic. Most of them hang out on Bumble where they collect trophies ie messages from women that they don’t reply to.

OnwardsEverStridingOnwards · 05/04/2021 18:33

Hi everyone,

Feeling a bit frustrated at the moment. Mr. Fit sent me a cheeky message this morning on Bumble. I replied to him, then I saw that he deleted the chat. (Which didn't make any sense at all as he was using it to message me)

The message I received from him 'I had a dream about you last night...' and I said 'really? What happened?' Nothing sinister.

So I messaged him on Instagram (he asked me to follow him on there when we first spoke) and said I hope he had a good day and I hoped I didn't say anything wrong earlier (I know I didn't, but wanted to know why he had deleted the chat on Bumble)

He hasn't replied, though he has been online since I wrote to him.

I'm finding I either get guys that are too forward, or guys who I talk really with at first, and then they ghost me! Sooo frustrating!

OnwardsEverStridingOnwards · 05/04/2021 18:34

*talk really well with at first.

SpringlikeBunk · 05/04/2021 18:37

Rude Mansplainer group organiser (not dating related) has sent me a message suggesting I come back into the WhatsApp’s group - I sent a polite message saying I was going to be busy with work then left the group earlier today

I didn’t like his attitude and the group is too small and new for me to want to seriously worry about new drama so I left rather than get into an argument...

Have deleted message will pretend I never got it.

BLTLover · 05/04/2021 20:03

This guy who ghosted me lived with his parents at 40 and the sex was shite anyway.

Onesmallstep67 · 05/04/2021 20:09

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards, what a strange sequence of chat with Mr Fit. If I were you I wouldn't make any further contact. He's up to something so unless he returns with a pleasant message I would leave him to it. You're right though, lots of guys start off really well then for no explainable reason it stops. Don't play his games - if that is what it is.

VanGoghsDog · 05/04/2021 20:11

@SpringlikeBunk - quite right, strip the drama llamas put of your life!

I ignored MrWG's message about 'having a submissive friend to do things for me' (and to 'just let him know'), sent Sat, then this morning jusyt messaged to say I was going ouyt walking all day with a friend. We exchanged a few messages, not commented on his suggestion. But, you know, if he likes dominant women who keep him frustrated I suppose he likes that!

Deleted my badoo account because it was linked to my Facebook. I might set up another, I just didn't want every single FB photo on there. I like that anyone can message anyone but it does lead to a lot of dross. A guy I recognised from Bumble messaged me on there. I recognised his face but no recollection of any exchange we had, so I said that and he said we met on Bumble, so I replied and asked him something (not related to that, just chat) and he didn't reply, so that's presumably what happened on Bumble too. Idiot.

Onesmallstep67 · 05/04/2021 20:11

@ThisTooShallBeFantastic, how's things with Mr GN? How are you feeling about him now?

VanGoghsDog · 05/04/2021 20:11

[quote Onesmallstep67]@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards, what a strange sequence of chat with Mr Fit. If I were you I wouldn't make any further contact. He's up to something so unless he returns with a pleasant message I would leave him to it. You're right though, lots of guys start off really well then for no explainable reason it stops. Don't play his games - if that is what it is.[/quote]
Wife saw the account.....

Onesmallstep67 · 05/04/2021 20:16

@VanGoghsDog, do you feel able to talk openly with Mr WG ? Is he actively looking for dates or has your connection come about solely through social interaction/ shared friends ? Do you think he's testing the water with you or is he really only looking for something more ' casual' ?

VanGoghsDog · 05/04/2021 21:09

[quote Onesmallstep67]@VanGoghsDog, do you feel able to talk openly with Mr WG ? Is he actively looking for dates or has your connection come about solely through social interaction/ shared friends ? Do you think he's testing the water with you or is he really only looking for something more ' casual' ?[/quote]
He's so busy - he messaged today saying he was packing for four nights away (volunteering stuff I think, though I didn't ask). He has two permanent part time jobs, one of which he is actually off sick from due to an injury at work (but doesn't impact the other one), a temp job (30 hours a week, ends in a few weeks), runs his own consultancy, does two volunteer roles and one paid role for a volunteer type org, looks after his CEV parents who are an hour's drive away, has two lodgers, has three kids he sees, a sister who works shifts and is going through a divorce who he provides support and babysitting for, a friend who has cancer and who is going through various chemo etc currently.......then he gets called on for supporting various stuff like boating things, sailing trips, delivers various training, plays bagpipes at events....is in some military reserve... The injury at work has caused him some issues and he's had another health issue this year that saw him spend two nights in hospital. Throw Covid on top....

So, I can't work out if he's emotionally unavailable or just unavailable!

But, either way, it's not a great time for him to consider dating and I respect that.

Anyway, there's no dating due to covid is there? We've been on a few walks, had coffee at each others houses, take away, he cooked brunch....

He showed me his Tinder profile and it was only about casual. I told him that wasn't what I was looking for though not in direct relation to him 'offering' anything.

We connected via the hobby group and I sort of forced a connection by contacting him through the meet-up app, but he did respond and he continued the contact beyond that one thing I contacted him about.

I do feel that if things were calmer, take away Covid, he would be up for a relationship, but I'm not prepared to start on a casual footing in that hope as I'd be setting myself up as I already have feelings.

Whether I can talk to him.........we talk without any depth in RL, lots more detail by text. In RL he talks a LOT. It's hard to get a word in and it's not like a conversation. I don't mind, generally, I prefer it if people chat otherwise I feel like I have to entertain people. And no idea if it might just be nerves. He mainly talks about work/stuff related to his work and his family.

I do need to get into a position to have a proper chat, but it's hard.

OnwardsEverStridingOnwards · 05/04/2021 21:42

@VanGoghsDog to my knowledge, he Isn't married. I've looked him up on social media. It still doesn't make any sense at all though.

OnwardsEverStridingOnwards · 05/04/2021 21:47

[quote Onesmallstep67]@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards, what a strange sequence of chat with Mr Fit. If I were you I wouldn't make any further contact. He's up to something so unless he returns with a pleasant message I would leave him to it. You're right though, lots of guys start off really well then for no explainable reason it stops. Don't play his games - if that is what it is.[/quote]
@Onesmallstep67 thank you @Onesmallstep. You're absolutely right. I might give it until tomorrow to wait if he replies. Part of me thinks that he's annoyed at me for rejecting his idea to go for a walk. I've no idea though.

OnwardsEverStridingOnwards · 05/04/2021 21:52

Oh, and I've had another really forward guy on Bumble message me. He was full of compliments at the beginning, which I quite liked. He then declared he was 'genuinely into me' and gave me his WhatsApp. When is it going to end? Confused

BelladiMamma · 05/04/2021 22:17

@ThisTooShallBeFantastic

Unfortunately some men just want to play a power game: get you into bed/to say you like them, then treat you like shit. These men don’t like women, they actively want to make you feel bad. It’s pathetic. Most of them hang out on Bumble where they collect trophies ie messages from women that they don’t reply to.
Ooh I think this was MrGinger. Enough already!!

So keen when I wasn't sure then when I agreed to go exclusive he ghosted me 😠

Heartbeats0708 · 06/04/2021 06:38

@ThisTooShallBeFantastic

Unfortunately some men just want to play a power game: get you into bed/to say you like them, then treat you like shit. These men don’t like women, they actively want to make you feel bad. It’s pathetic. Most of them hang out on Bumble where they collect trophies ie messages from women that they don’t reply to.
This is what concerns me about Mr Polo. Though he's not a shit, I just can't quite tell if he wants a shag or a date. Tempted to just go with it- I don't even know if I wants RS with him myself so maybe sleeping together would clarify the situation Grin
Gwynfluff · 06/04/2021 07:22

Can I join in terms of dating women. Just as difficult constant texts for nearly 2 months, 2 outside dates. Saying she liked me - then very quiet yesterday and now on Tinder. Christ. I’ve archived the chat and will just let it lie now. Not hit in deep emotionally, thank goodness

SortingItOut · 06/04/2021 08:28

@Gwynfluff Everyone is welcome here. Sounds like you know some of the rules already by not getting in too deep just from messaging but its always good to read page 1 of this thread.

SpringlikeBunk · 06/04/2021 08:35

Welcome @Gwynfluff
Flowers

Agree with @SortingItOut, I see WhatsApp/texting as kind of additional and doing it every day or very often often can create a false sense of intimacy?

But it can be done without any commitment or genuine time investment especially if the person is a fast typer and has access to their phone at work and is naturally wordy and chatty!

Seems like you’re in a good position to meet new dates though with lockdown lifting a bit, more vaccinations etc!

Gwynfluff · 06/04/2021 08:48

Thanks for the welcome. Women move to whatsapp quickly, I think and are more keen to build emotional connection through words. Eek. I think the big issue is that lockdown restrictions have dragged it out.... whereas some enthusiastic texting to meet in a week for a first date is fine! When it replaces that and you use it to 'hold' it between dates, gets way too much. Thanks for the reminder about the false intimacy - that's a good reminder.

ThisTooShallBeFantastic · 06/04/2021 09:34

[quote Onesmallstep67]@ThisTooShallBeFantastic, how's things with Mr GN? How are you feeling about him now?[/quote]
Thanks for asking. I climbed down off the parapet and weighed the pros and cons. Last week was lovely, he smelled gorgeous all the time and we had lots of laughs - coinciding with my DD returning to her place and his big transaction completing. He now has a focus that isn’t just me and things are better now. He is so nice to me, he cares for me and thinks I’m amazing. So I haven’t ended it, I’ll see how things go as life returns to normal. There’s a lot less of the L word flying a round too, and I’ve emphatically knocked the M word on the head. Let’s see how we go.

ThisTooShallBeFantastic · 06/04/2021 09:36

PS I’m happy not to have the L word flying around. Just feels like pressure.

Onesmallstep67 · 06/04/2021 10:22

@ThisTooShallBeFantastic, that's really good to hear. It's sometimes easy to get caught up on one or two smaller details and not take in the bigger picture. As we get older and experience has shaped our intolerance of things it's natural to feel that you don't have to accept some things any more. In reality we're all a mish mash of good and not so great bits. It sounds like he was extra busy and shower avoidance was a temporary glitch rather than a permanent feature! I can be guilty of focusing on one or two issues with Mr V but when I had a catch up with my best friend yesterday she pointed out all the really positive stuff about his manner and his attitude, things she reminded me I had said I would want in my next partner. Sounds like Mr GN is back to be a sweet smelling bundle of loving adoration. Long may it continue.

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