Dating Thread 201: Get out from under your 3 month wonder and widen your areas

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Welcome @jojojoeyjojo

yes I definitely agree things seem very brutal and fast-paced at times -

There’s so many app users now, it’s that mentality of “always being a better option around the corner”!

So even though I’m cute and I’m generally happy with my standard of date and “think I do ok”, I think often guys (especially if they’re ok looking, ok social skills, good job etc) feel they “can get someone easily” who is mega-hot as opposed to cute!

Or think because I prefer a slightly more formal dating structure and don’t often have guys at mine, I’m “too high maintenance” and someone else is “easier”?

I reckon the key is to just be mindful of your own emotional well-being and boundaries and goals and stick to those?

I’ve struggled when I’ve been too keen to rush to meet someone or get a date and compromised on things.

It also sounds a very good plan to stick to activity dates and just enjoy meeting men as fellow human beings and “desexing” things a bit.

I’m kind of there at the moment and feel a lot more chilled about it.

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

Lol maybe we should set these guys up for sex chat dates then disappear/keep sending them messages saying we’re just on our way/leave them hanging!

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

Lol maybe we should set these guys up for sex chat dates then disappear/keep sending them messages saying we’re just on our way/leave them hanging![/quote]
😂😂😂😂 That would surely take the wind out of their sails!

@SpringlikeBunk

Always good to keep an eye on boundaries *@VanGoghsDog and like @BelladiMamma* says please think about if YOU actually get anything out of it sexually or intimately rather than going along with it to keep him connected?

I think it was menora who gave me some great advice when I joined the thread to “work out what I was comfortable doing sexually and stick with it” before getting on dates

as otherwise it’s quite easy to get carried away with feelings for someone and talked into scenarios I’m not comfortable with?

If his attitude is “you must do this kink stuff or I won’t stay in touch” that’s sexually coercive.

Like the meal thing sounds good (imagine it’s very tempting with lockdown loneliness)

but is it going to be a nice meal together he’s cooked like a date, or a specific “role play” set up where he won’t eat with you or make normal friendly conversation as it’s not part of the “role play” and you have to “act like a mistress”

Obviously if you’re cool and familiar with that set-up that’s sound (consenting adults and all that)

but just try to be mindful of what exactly he’s after and what you yourself don’t want to do.

I’m not that familiar with the bdsm/kink scene but I have heard you have to be very very emotionally strong and have great communication and defined boundaries (I think it’s “planned scenarios”?) and know the other person is very very trustworthy and a true friend otherwise there can be some right manipulative fuckwits on there!

Things to think about for sure. I'm annoyed this is playing on my mind so much though. Been for an eight mile walk, with walking group, again people who know him and who mentioned him (I didn't comment that I'd seen him at all).

I should point out, there no way he's going to do anything disrespectful, these people have known him for many years, not just through walking, and I've known him three years.

He's just telling me what he's offering, and as he's clearly too busy for (/not interested in) a relationship, that's up to him. I don't have to accept it. He would not at all be suggesting I must agree to his kink or he won't stay in touch - we're in a wider friendship group.

He does very much have a service mindset, he works in jobs and volunteers in roles that help people.

When he came and made brunch, he ate too.

I'm fine with it sexually, it's out of the bedroom I don't think I can be telling someone what to do.

I've not responded to him and he sent the message about six yesterday, I feel a bit bad about that. I need to respond somehow!

I think I'm going to say it's not something I want to negotiate by text and to come over tomorrow for a cuppa and chat.

Hi everyone, I ducked out of the thread for a while as I've been so busy, couldn't keep up 🤦‍♀️
Anyways, here I am again looking for advice please!
Mr M and I were going so well but his eldest (first year secondary) has gotten so upset about him having a GF/female friend that currently he's wanting to pause things. The only reason causing upset I guess must be catastrophizing because I have never met the kids, nor did they know about me (though they could've worked it out but never discussed). I only see him at mine when my kids are in bed, this is only once a month or so, due to clashes in childcare/work. So basically our relationship has played no part in affecting their lives at all.
Has anyone experienced a similar breakdown in relationship due to children? Be it kicking off/being upset/manipulating the situation etc etc. I'm well out of my comfort/experience zone here so any advice would be welcomed, brutal or otherwise. I hate to think of any of the children being unsettled or upset and don't know how to proceed but want to support MrM decision if that's the census for best way forward (pausing til/if kids are ready). Or is it likely doomed?!
I might not have articulated this properly but got chocolate induced kids running riot so apologies and hope I don't come across as I nut!

@VanGoghsDog, the cuppa and chat in person seems very much the best way to approach this. Do you feel you are ultimately looking for more than what he's offering? Do you feel it would impact chatting to or seeing other guys ? When I was plate spinning various scenarios it was good at times and not so great at others. Now I am seeing Mr V I wouldn't dream of seeing anyone else but that's because I wouldn't want to jeopardise anything with him. I look back to when I was juggling several irons and it was clear none of them were right for me. I had lots of fun though including a guy who wanted the whole domination/ humiliation thing. I found it a bit tedious and not something I would want to do frequently. It required too much mental effort

@frankiefirstyear, has Mr M explained how his 11yr old knows that he is seeing someone? Personally I can't see how Mr M spending one evening every so often in your company has become something his DC needed to know. Do you believe that it's genuine ? If so then you should talk to Mr M and discuss how he sees things being between you whilst on pause. How long would it would need to be paused is impossible to guess at the moment. Personally I would struggle to wait it out in this situation, especially when you so rarely see each other. You're not exactly flaunting a new RS in anyone's face. The cynical me thinks this might be a bit of an excuse on his part but you know him in person so I may be being unfair. Of course our DC's feelings need to be considered but so far it doesn't seem that you in any way tried to wedge yourself into Mr M's life to the detriment of his time with DC.

[quote Onesmallstep67]@frankiefirstyear, has Mr M explained how his 11yr old knows that he is seeing someone? Personally I can't see how Mr M spending one evening every so often in your company has become something his DC needed to know. Do you believe that it's genuine ? If so then you should talk to Mr M and discuss how he sees things being between you whilst on pause. How long would it would need to be paused is impossible to guess at the moment. Personally I would struggle to wait it out in this situation, especially when you so rarely see each other. You're not exactly flaunting a new RS in anyone's face. The cynical me thinks this might be a bit of an excuse on his part but you know him in person so I may be being unfair. Of course our DC's feelings need to be considered but so far it doesn't seem that you in any way tried to wedge yourself into Mr M's life to the detriment of his time with DC.[/quote]
I agree with this. I'm sorry, but something about this doesn't add up.

Sorry haven't put all the info in but the kids do know we are on the phone to each other at times and have said hello on the phone but was just called his friend. I do believe it's genuine. I'm not sure if they even know I'm his gf or if it's just jealousy/confusion/ catastrophizing etc over the just the calls. Zero contact has been agreed so don't even have all the facts, and likely won't until end of school holidays in 2 weeks.when contact may/may not resume during school time/after work etc as before. Definitely no flaunting in RL, only been out in public twice briefly.

Love all the support on this thread, just wish I was a little quicker on my phone to be able to keep up!

I've been on/off the apps for years, single through 2020 for obvious reasons (2yr relationship bit the dust through no contact) and now off them as I've been meeting one guy for a walk one evening a week with our dogs since Dec.

Nothing romantic even hinted at, no flirting or banter but he seems a good guy, lots in common and very consistent with texts. But as I said, nothing indicating he likes me 'like that' and no talk of the future beyond what evening we'll walk next week.

He just wants friendship, doesn't he?

@frankiefirstyear Why would his kids care if he messaged or phoned you while they are in bed?

Is he having his kids for the whole holidays?

If he only comes to yours and his kids would not know why can't he keep doing that?

I agree with the others that none of it makes sense. How can the kids be affected by things they don't see (except the phone calls when you spoke to his kids which as you know I thought was odd)

Yes got them whole holiday but now the eldest is unsettled about even this arrangement. I think the reaction to the calls/him having a gf has been a shock and so it's sent MrM into shut down, easier to pause our relationship and deal with the issue at home now. I guess he feels everyone is pulling him in differing directions and change is sometimes unsettling even when it's orchestrated by you. Even I have had wonderings about him being in my life upsetting the equilibrium of our home life (but my kids are much younger) so he must feel this too. We had both accepted permanent single life until we got together so neither of us have introduced partners to kids etc before now.

I think seeing how things are at the end of the holidays seems sensible and then take it from there.

I know you had both thought about living together in the future but that would be quite fraught too be honest.

His children might think they are going to lose their time with him if he has a girlfriend (without understanding you can have a girlfriend and not live together or meet kids)
Is there mum in a new relationship?

The mum isn't in a relationship.

I am gutted but agree the blended family idea is perhaps out of the window for the foreseeable.

Just had a nice chat with Mr Fit. We're planning to meet up for a date when restrictions are lifted 🙂

@frankiefirstyear

The mum isn't in a relationship.

I am gutted but agree the blended family idea is perhaps out of the window for the foreseeable.

@frankiefirstyear

Still chatting to Mr Facebook. Hes not said anything else since I asked if he wanted to do the hobby but he messages me everyday.

Any help welcome lol

Is he just messing about do you think or just wants a text buddy lol ?

Sounds good OnwardsEverStridingOnwards, that's something to look forward to. I've lost track,is lockdown ending on the 14th,when shops open? Exciting.

@kerkyra

Sounds good OnwardsEverStridingOnwards, that's something to look forward to. I've lost track,is lockdown ending on the 14th,when shops open? Exciting.

I think so, yes 👍🏻

Snowy you could send a ' lovely to chat and hope you have a good week,if you fancy doing the hobby,just let me know' txt. Polite but also saying you're not going to be a texting buddy but he knows where you are if he wants to do the hobby.
Garden cuppa with Mr village this afternoon,before his DC come for the week. Was lovely and he is lovely,but I can't yet get over he isnt my usual sort. He has made it clear I'm his! I need more time in his company to see if anything happens organically.

[quote Onesmallstep67]@VanGoghsDog, the cuppa and chat in person seems very much the best way to approach this. Do you feel you are ultimately looking for more than what he's offering? Do you feel it would impact chatting to or seeing other guys ? When I was plate spinning various scenarios it was good at times and not so great at others. Now I am seeing Mr V I wouldn't dream of seeing anyone else but that's because I wouldn't want to jeopardise anything with him. I look back to when I was juggling several irons and it was clear none of them were right for me. I had lots of fun though including a guy who wanted the whole domination/ humiliation thing. I found it a bit tedious and not something I would want to do frequently. It required too much mental effort [/quote]
Hmmm.....I suspect I do want more and if I'm 100% honest with myself I would probably be entering into it with a hope it would move on from the initial agreement (which it very well might, but equally, it might not).

He does genuinely have a lot going on but that makes him a less than sensible option for a relationship, despite how genuine it is.

If I was sleeping with him (and, to be clear, he has only talked about, er, everything except PIV sex, I think he actually has a sexual anxiety issue) I would not sleep with anyone else and I would not want him to, so I'd need to broach that - that could of course be another reason he's spoken about everything except PIV.

I have had many FB's in the past. In my early 40's I felt that sex was an itch I needed to scratch and that I wanted to just do that to help prevent me from falling into 'real' relationships too quickly (due to just being sexually frustrated). It worked fine, but of course I got attached to someone unavailable, and then fell into a relationship with my now-ex.

I'm not into too much mental effort in relationships/sex, should be easy really.

I need to reply to him because we were talking about tomorrow and even if I am some kind of domme I can't leave someone hanging around. Also, I have an Easter egg for him (because I'm kind and not dominating!). Though I have organised to go walking tomorrow (again, yep).

MrMilitary on the prowl looking for a meet before he goes again.

Somewhat Kafka esque discussion.

I think he’s angling for commitment before he goes away for eight months.

Like....erm....no with a capital N.

He also asked me to stop analysing him when I pointed out that he clearly wanted the emotional security of a relationship but not the boring shit.

(Glad I didn’t mention all the group analysis I’ve been doing on this thread too )

This meme is a shout out for all the “hot and cold” brothers out there....

Like the 'meme'...should maybe include pops up 6 months later and rinse and repeat.

@SpringlikeBunk

This meme is a shout out for all the “hot and cold” brothers out there....

Very accurate . I don't know what they get from Douala that *sigh