Dating Thread 201: Get out from under your 3 month wonder and widen your areas

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@VanGoghsDog Thank you for sharing your history with us. It must take a lot to talk about🤗

@BelladiMamma I'm glad you've taken the comments on board, telling people your history is admitting you are vulnerable and some men love a vulnerable woman who they can abuse.
I think the men who stalked you when you were split were these type of men.

There is no need to tell anyone your history when you meet them, maybe if you've been married you might mention that or if they ask why you split you can say something vague especially if it was abusive.
I would tell people me and my husband grew apart but really he was emotionally abusive and had emotional affairs but why would I tell someone that?

@VanGoghsDog sorry you went through that. I can understand not wanting to share early on if at all.
I'm very matter of fact if dates ask about my history. I try to give off a "this happened & I won't tolerate it" vibe to put off the predators. Of course it very much depends on what your history is.

@VanGoghsDog 💐 sorry you had to deal with this.

I agree that it is best to hold off from too much info right away. Gauge them first to avoid any predatory behaviour. Whilst you don’t want to lie, you don’t need to give the entire chapter and verse of your history to someone you have just met. Obviously if the relationship has legs then you can consider opening up further when and if you feel happy to share.

@SpringlikeBunk.

This is helpful to think through, thank you.

I'm OK about being dominant sexually, though a bit shy to start with. But I'm not OK telling someone to rub my feet (he mentions this a lot, I've not yet told him I don't much like my feet being rubbed - what's the point of it?) etc.
And I really can't sit around while someone cooks a meal and I do nothing.

You're right too that this could be the tip of the iceberg and it might escalate to more humiliation type dominance.

One thing playing on my mind now is that a while ago someone in the walking group was talking about him. Nothing to do with me, she knows him pretty well, she was just mentioning him and are said "he offered to come round and give me a foot rub the other night, isn't he a lovely lovely man" and now I know...... that's actually a fetish for him and she almost definitely does not know that she was probably part of his desire to feel used by women. That makes me a bit queasy.

[quote SortingItOut]**@VanGoghsDog Thank you for sharing your history with us. It must take a lot to talk about🤗

@BelladiMamma I'm glad you've taken the comments on board, telling people your history is admitting you are vulnerable and some men love a vulnerable woman who they can abuse.
I think the men who stalked you when you were split were these type of men.

There is no need to tell anyone your history when you meet them, maybe if you've been married you might mention that or if they ask why you split you can say something vague especially if it was abusive.
I would tell people me and my husband grew apart but really he was emotionally abusive and had emotional affairs but why would I tell someone that?[/quote]
Thanks. Yours and @VanGoghsDog comments have really made me think again and also feel secure in the fact that I don't have to be honest in excruciating detail. Each time I'd thought it would be unfair to get too far along with me and then land it on them.

Now I won't mention the stuff from the past pre marriage and now will just say ex h travels loads with work so can't have the teens much. I won't do chapter and verse.

Like I said, new strategy starts here. Thanks so much everyone. ♥️♥️♥️

And happy Easter 🐣🐣🐣

[quote VanGoghsDog]@SpringlikeBunk.

This is helpful to think through, thank you.

I'm OK about being dominant sexually, though a bit shy to start with. But I'm not OK telling someone to rub my feet (he mentions this a lot, I've not yet told him I don't much like my feet being rubbed - what's the point of it?) etc.
And I really can't sit around while someone cooks a meal and I do nothing.

You're right too that this could be the tip of the iceberg and it might escalate to more humiliation type dominance.

One thing playing on my mind now is that a while ago someone in the walking group was talking about him. Nothing to do with me, she knows him pretty well, she was just mentioning him and are said "he offered to come round and give me a foot rub the other night, isn't he a lovely lovely man" and now I know...... that's actually a fetish for him and she almost definitely does not know that she was probably part of his desire to feel used by women. That makes me a bit queasy.[/quote]
I echo what the others say. This is probably him testing the waters and will want more, he should be looking elsewhere if he has such a specific kink. I'm not 100% vanilla but I know that what I like is mainstream enough for the apps and normal dating life so I don't really question it or even bring it up. It's more of a slow burn thing, if someone else is into it, it's a massive bonus and like a way of growing / bonding together. Never ever imposed or a deal breaker

Hello people!! Happy Easter!! Is everyone stuffed yet? We definitely are! I had my Sherlock hat on this week whilst dipping my toe into the apps! Mr Tennis was a really nice bloke who told me he had a strained relationship with his kids. Red flag there but i googled him and found a relatively recent drink drive conviction. My ex is an alcoholic and has a strained relationship with his kids too. I then replied to his message normally but jokingly also asked about addictions etc. He did reply saying no addictions and would chat later. Nothing for 4 days!!! Clearly i hit a nerve. Mr Tall also seemed nice enough so i asked why single and he said because gambling wasnt conducive to a long term relationship. Okaaay. Finally Mr Hippie from Fab who i knew from last year and who seemed friendly and keen. Found him on Facebook and somehow found his girlfriend from December who still has their picture together so im wondering now what's happening there! Ive asked now how long he has been single so will see what he says....what's with people and their lies/half truths!!

@Eesha

Hello people!! Happy Easter!! Is everyone stuffed yet? We definitely are! I had my Sherlock hat on this week whilst dipping my toe into the apps! Mr Tennis was a really nice bloke who told me he had a strained relationship with his kids. Red flag there but i googled him and found a relatively recent drink drive conviction. My ex is an alcoholic and has a strained relationship with his kids too. I then replied to his message normally but jokingly also asked about addictions etc. He did reply saying no addictions and would chat later. Nothing for 4 days!!! Clearly i hit a nerve. Mr Tall also seemed nice enough so i asked why single and he said because gambling wasnt conducive to a long term relationship. Okaaay. Finally Mr Hippie from Fab who i knew from last year and who seemed friendly and keen. Found him on Facebook and somehow found his girlfriend from December who still has their picture together so im wondering now what's happening there! Ive asked now how long he has been single so will see what he says....what's with people and their lies/half truths!!

Love the detective work! Has to be done! I matched with someone recently who'd been fined and demoted in the legal profession after making racist comments ... about an Asian female judge. Massive red flag!!! Given my kids are mixed race Pakistani too ... would never have worked 😳

@Eesha

Hello people!! Happy Easter!! Is everyone stuffed yet? We definitely are! I had my Sherlock hat on this week whilst dipping my toe into the apps! Mr Tennis was a really nice bloke who told me he had a strained relationship with his kids. Red flag there but i googled him and found a relatively recent drink drive conviction. My ex is an alcoholic and has a strained relationship with his kids too. I then replied to his message normally but jokingly also asked about addictions etc. He did reply saying no addictions and would chat later. Nothing for 4 days!!! Clearly i hit a nerve. Mr Tall also seemed nice enough so i asked why single and he said because gambling wasnt conducive to a long term relationship. Okaaay. Finally Mr Hippie from Fab who i knew from last year and who seemed friendly and keen. Found him on Facebook and somehow found his girlfriend from December who still has their picture together so im wondering now what's happening there! Ive asked now how long he has been single so will see what he says....what's with people and their lies/half truths!!

And ffs a drink drive conviction and 'no addiction issues'. Yeah right. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Always good to keep an eye on boundaries @VanGoghsDog and like @BelladiMamma says please think about if YOU actually get anything out of it sexually or intimately rather than going along with it to keep him connected?

I think it was menora who gave me some great advice when I joined the thread to “work out what I was comfortable doing sexually and stick with it” before getting on dates

as otherwise it’s quite easy to get carried away with feelings for someone and talked into scenarios I’m not comfortable with?

If his attitude is “you must do this kink stuff or I won’t stay in touch” that’s sexually coercive.

Like the meal thing sounds good (imagine it’s very tempting with lockdown loneliness)

but is it going to be a nice meal together he’s cooked like a date, or a specific “role play” set up where he won’t eat with you or make normal friendly conversation as it’s not part of the “role play” and you have to “act like a mistress”

Obviously if you’re cool and familiar with that set-up that’s sound (consenting adults and all that)

but just try to be mindful of what exactly he’s after and what you yourself don’t want to do.

I’m not that familiar with the bdsm/kink scene but I have heard you have to be very very emotionally strong and have great communication and defined boundaries (I think it’s “planned scenarios”?) and know the other person is very very trustworthy and a true friend otherwise there can be some right manipulative fuckwits on there!

Happy Easter everyone!

Freezing here and I have a coffee, you guys and three doughnuts for company

Got brutally mansplained in a WhatsApp chat (not dating related) the guy sent a “dictionary definition of a word” at me as if I didn’t know what it meant

Couldn’t reply in words of four letters as it’s not the right context but was hopping mad this morning. Walking through beautiful scenery like

WhatsApp can be the tool of the devil emotionally, the group isn’t compulsory so I can detach quite easily

Plus I’ve connected with/exchanged details with the people I want to anyway there, so can leave MrMansplainerCuntFace to his own devices

(Haha you know when they say “join new social groups and make friends” it’s never as simple as that )

Hi everyone, happy Easter!

Was on Bumble last night. Got messaged by a guy who basically wanted to play around and do sexting with women. Didn't say anything about that on his profile, of course 😂

But then.... I got chatting to a potential new iron. 🙂 (I'm going to call him Mr. Fit) he's got a good job (another teacher, I have a bit of a thing about teachers) with his own place, and he seems really nice.

He's a bit younger than me, but I don't think that matters. 🙂

He's mentioned the possibility of meeting up too. We both just want to see how things go for the moment, though. ❤️

We're going to chat again this evening!

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

Hi everyone, happy Easter!

Was on Bumble last night. Got messaged by a guy who basically wanted to play around and do sexting with women. Didn't say anything about that on his profile, of course 😂

But then.... I got chatting to a potential new iron. 🙂 (I'm going to call him Mr. Fit) he's got a good job (another teacher, I have a bit of a thing about teachers) with his own place, and he seems really nice.

He's a bit younger than me, but I don't think that matters. 🙂

He's mentioned the possibility of meeting up too. We both just want to see how things go for the moment, though. ❤️

We're going to chat again this evening!

Hurrah! Sounds good. The sexting guys really annoy me. MrGinger was a bit like this early on but he had immediately said he used to fancy me at work so I got swept along by it.

I've dabbled in the kink scene and communication and boundaries are so important, as is trust like @SpringlikeBunk said. Take your time to think it through @VanGoghsDog

Morning, well I did feel a bit meh yesterday after my walk.

Mr BeachHut has been checking in with me everyday, and I felt ok about it, so we ended up at mine with a bottle of wine, some very open conversation and some very non vanilla play. He stayed 12+ hours, it was fun, a good distraction.

Today I'm not fussed either way if he comes back or not. If he does, great it was fun. If not, well, truth be told he isn't Mr HT and didn't reach me quite the way he does so it's Mr HT I'm missing not him.

@BelladiMamma I know. The creepy part was him trying to be all friendly, like it was normal. He basically said he wanted to 'hang out and to phone stuff.' Ugh! If you're horny, ring a chat line! 😂😂😂

*do phone stuff, I meant. Bloody autocorrect!

‘Do phone stuff’ ugghh - I hope you did tell him to phone a chat line

Home alone today until Mr TG comes over this evening. I’m feeling a bit low as it’s the first occasion without my kids - feels weird not be doing a big Easter dinner and egg hunt etc. But as my ex knobhead likes to say ‘this is what I signed up for when I separated’!
I would normally be excited to see Mr TG but I feel a bit meh about that too as I’m afraid he’s going to cancel.
I’m going to wallow in the bath for a few hours and pamper myself to try and lift the funk

Hope you all have a lovely day

[quote OnwardsEverStridingOnwards]@BelladiMamma I know. The creepy part was him trying to be all friendly, like it was normal. He basically said he wanted to 'hang out and to phone stuff.' Ugh! If you're horny, ring a chat line! 😂😂😂

[/quote]
These guys are soooo annoying 😤

@cravingthelook

Morning, well I did feel a bit meh yesterday after my walk.

Mr BeachHut has been checking in with me everyday, and I felt ok about it, so we ended up at mine with a bottle of wine, some very open conversation and some very non vanilla play. He stayed 12+ hours, it was fun, a good distraction.

Today I'm not fussed either way if he comes back or not. If he does, great it was fun. If not, well, truth be told he isn't Mr HT and didn't reach me quite the way he does so it's Mr HT I'm missing not him.

I hope that left you with a very good feeling afterwards ♥️

I think after a bit of time on tinder/bumble it’s easier to spot the sex hounds early on and just get in there and block

but I remember being very disconcerted when I was in my 20’s trying to figure out what they were getting at early on?

Especially the “cryptic subtle leading comments” trying to fish to see if they could push for a hookup/sex chat early on.

It’s silly as well because (in general) I do think we live in quite a liberal society so casual sex/naughty photos aren’t that hard to get, and for free!

so why make a game of trying to “trick” women who want more formal dates into sexting etc? It’s just misogyny and control.

@Mayzee

‘Do phone stuff’ ugghh - I hope you did tell him to phone a chat line

Home alone today until Mr TG comes over this evening. I’m feeling a bit low as it’s the first occasion without my kids - feels weird not be doing a big Easter dinner and egg hunt etc. But as my ex knobhead likes to say ‘this is what I signed up for when I separated’!
I would normally be excited to see Mr TG but I feel a bit meh about that too as I’m afraid he’s going to cancel.
I’m going to wallow in the bath for a few hours and pamper myself to try and lift the funk

Hope you all have a lovely day

I did, as well. Funnily enough, he went a bit quiet after that

@BelladiMamma I couldn't agree more

Ive been lurking on this thread for a while and I love the kindness and mutual support to be found here. I've ventured back on the apps...first tried online dating about five years ago and found it much easier then tbh..I scrub up OK and had no problem getting matches and some good conversations going and ended up meeting someone on the dreaded POF which lasted three years. Now it seems such hard work..maybe because I'm five years older..I'm 51..or it's lockdown but I hardly fancy anyone and conversations are just like pulling teeth...noone actually talks or can hold a conversation it seems. I matched with four or so people over last couple days and got chatting but not one of them asked me a single question or displayed any humour or wit despite saying they had a great sense of humour in their bios..I just like a bit of witty banter but it's nowhere to be found. I think everyone seems so much more jaded and cynical compared to five years ago ...but maybe that's just me ... I matched with one very good looking guy but got suspicious as he was on a different site with another name so I reverse searched his one photo and it came up in an old magazine article about millennial men or something so clearly a catfish . In the end I've hidden myself on all the apps again but am chatting on WhatsApp to one guy who just wants to go for bike rides and make new friends for now...thinking maybe that's the way to go..find an activity to do with someone and take the pressure off because I think my heart's not in it. Good luck to everyone who has nice matches and dates this week.

@SpringlikeBunk

I think after a bit of time on tinder/bumble it’s easier to spot the sex hounds early on and just get in there and block

but I remember being very disconcerted when I was in my 20’s trying to figure out what they were getting at early on?

Especially the “cryptic subtle leading comments” trying to fish to see if they could push for a hookup/sex chat early on.

It’s silly as well because (in general) I do think we live in quite a liberal society so casual sex/naughty photos aren’t that hard to get, and for free!

so why make a game of trying to “trick” women who want more formal dates into sexting etc? It’s just misogyny and control.

I know @Spring! It's so annoying. He was like 'I understand you're looking for a relationship...' yes, that's right. So why message me then? Honestly! X