Dating Thread 201: Get out from under your 3 month wonder and widen your areas

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@VanGoghsDog

MrWG is offering a FWB type scenario, where he comes and looks after me and does whatever I want, without any expectations in return. A submissive dynamic for him.

I'm a bit perplexed by this and how to react. I've certainly had FB (just the functional, no "friend" part) in the past, but I already have feelings so not sure it's honest of me to accept that.
I'm also not sure I can just sit around while someone does stuff. I mean, it seems like the ideal, right? But......how? It seems so selfish.
I suspect he's not interested in a relationship as he is genuinely too busy. Though I fully accept that he may not see me as relationship material.

But I would certainly get something from such an arrangement (if only my dinner cooked!).

I have no clue how to reply.

@VanGogh I would have a good think, take your time and weigh this up before you make a decision on this. ❤️

Hi everyone and happy Easter . Thank you for all the dating wisdom you share .

What does everyone think about over sharing on a first date. Infos about their family, does anyone think it's a red flag ?

Infos about their family, does anyone think it's a red flag ?

Depends what it is.

There's a difference between "I have three siblings, Fred, Jane and Jo, I love my mum and dad, dad's in the police......." Etc; and "I was sexually abused by my dad when I was four". Sharing the latter is a red flag because it means people haven't processed their trauma properly and have poor boundaries. They may still be looking for a rescuer.

The former is fine, but if they just drone on they might be a bit boring and self absorbed!

lovelost21 I think it's wise not to over share but saying that,i usually always do. I like to work out if someone is a complete closed book or if they're open about things. I always share bits of info when they do. Nothing too deep though and nothing that could appear to them that I'm in anyway a victim or looking to be saved,but yes,i do like a little deep convo,if that makes sense.
Has a date of yours said something you're surprised about?

@VanGoghsDog

Infos about their family, does anyone think it's a red flag ?

Depends what it is.

There's a difference between "I have three siblings, Fred, Jane and Jo, I love my mum and dad, dad's in the police......." Etc; and "I was sexually abused by my dad when I was four". Sharing the latter is a red flag because it means people haven't processed their trauma properly and have poor boundaries. They may still be looking for a rescuer.

The former is fine, but if they just drone on they might be a bit boring and self absorbed!

Thank your input It was oversharing In a way that I now feel like I know his family members and their history sort of way . Their names and some personal info about them .

Just spotted my ex from 13 years ago on tinder, hasn't got a bio so I messaged him on Facebook and made a joke out of it, didn't think he would've swiped me and I didn't for him...he replied saying "how rude! How come you haven't swiped me back then, waiting!" Whaaaaaat..surely something from 13 years ago should stay in the past lol

@kerkyra

lovelost21 I think it's wise not to over share but saying that,i usually always do. I like to work out if someone is a complete closed book or if they're open about things. I always share bits of info when they do. Nothing too deep though and nothing that could appear to them that I'm in anyway a victim or looking to be saved,but yes,i do like a little deep convo,if that makes sense. Has a date of yours said something you're surprised about?

I do get what you mean but when he was talking I was thinking why do I need to know what your sister and her ex who I don't know did to her that sort of thing . I know their first names etc . The conversation came about when we were talking about how many siblings we have etc

Ahh ok, that is a bit strange. Looks like if you date him,you'd be involved with the whole families drama.
Next!

@lovelost21 - it's just lack of social skills, over sharing, too much detail, over explaining, not asking enough questions etc.

@havecourage8bekind - surely he was just teasing you back? I mean, you approached him so he's probably wondering why something 13 years ago isn't staying in the past too :)

@kerkyra

Ahh ok, that is a bit strange. Looks like if you date him,you'd be involved with the whole families drama. Next!

Just what I thought. Thank you for confirming this

@VanGoghsDog

Infos about their family, does anyone think it's a red flag ?

Depends what it is.

There's a difference between "I have three siblings, Fred, Jane and Jo, I love my mum and dad, dad's in the police......." Etc; and "I was sexually abused by my dad when I was four". Sharing the latter is a red flag because it means people haven't processed their trauma properly and have poor boundaries. They may still be looking for a rescuer.

The former is fine, but if they just drone on they might be a bit boring and self absorbed!

Ooh this is really interesting. I share my history quite early on because I've found that otherwise I can get triggered at unexpected things eg watching a film, and then it comes out wrong. So I like to be in control of when I tell someone about one or two particular things in my history. And I like to be honest early on. For example my ex dh didn't tell me that he'd been hit by both parents until we had children and my mil hit my daughter. I thought that was way way too late and I felt betrayed plus we had no way of working through things in a non heated way.

My father was violent and sexually and emotionally abusive and I was sexually abused by both my brother and sister.

There's no way I'd tell some internet random that on a first date. I think it opens the door for abusive people to see you as a victim and think they can abuse you. But then, I don't really get triggered in day to day situations (abuse in films etc actually has less effect om me than on other people). If I did, I'd explain it away some other way.

It's quite a big burden for people to hear that you've been abused. For those of us who have been abused we're like 'yeah....meh...that happened', because it's our history. For other people to hear it is Big News and by telling them you place a burden on them.

I'm not secretive but we're talking first date with a stranger here. Yes, I'd not be marrying someone who I hadn't explained this to and allowed them to process it. It does affect me - with my ex I couldn't stand him shouting at his son because when my dad shouted it usually led to me being hit. So we had a few discussions about that. I got used to it though (he didn't shout at him that much). I can't stand being shouted at at work either, though, again it doesn't happen often and it shouldn't happen so I don't need to explain why I can't bear it, being upset by it is enough.

My sister was very impacted when he kids who are the same sex and age difference as me and my brother reached the age we were when she was removed from the family home, and she hadn't seen that coming as an issue but she had a terrible time thinking they were going to die or be taken away from her somehow. So, her husband didn't know about that because until that moment she didn't know it was an issue, she didn't do anything wrong by not talking about it with him.

To the folk who have posted about old irons,exes getting in touch....they want a shag now we are heading out of lockdown! I had three this week! I thought I had blocked and deleted them all at start of first lockdown!
Don't imagine they have been pining for you...they just after a shag. I'm a bitch on OLD now and won't take any shit.

@vangoghsdog I checked the likes and he had swiped for me..we are actually having a decent catch up now. Think the blast from the past just threw me a bit! I'm over it now lol xx

@mrsbertharochester spot on!

@VanGoghsDog

My father was violent and sexually and emotionally abusive and I was sexually abused by both my brother and sister.

There's no way I'd tell some internet random that on a first date. I think it opens the door for abusive people to see you as a victim and think they can abuse you. But then, I don't really get triggered in day to day situations (abuse in films etc actually has less effect om me than on other people). If I did, I'd explain it away some other way.

It's quite a big burden for people to hear that you've been abused. For those of us who have been abused we're like 'yeah....meh...that happened', because it's our history. For other people to hear it is Big News and by telling them you place a burden on them.

I'm not secretive but we're talking first date with a stranger here. Yes, I'd not be marrying someone who I hadn't explained this to and allowed them to process it. It does affect me - with my ex I couldn't stand him shouting at his son because when my dad shouted it usually led to me being hit. So we had a few discussions about that. I got used to it though (he didn't shout at him that much). I can't stand being shouted at at work either, though, again it doesn't happen often and it shouldn't happen so I don't need to explain why I can't bear it, being upset by it is enough.

My sister was very impacted when he kids who are the same sex and age difference as me and my brother reached the age we were when she was removed from the family home, and she hadn't seen that coming as an issue but she had a terrible time thinking they were going to die or be taken away from her somehow. So, her husband didn't know about that because until that moment she didn't know it was an issue, she didn't do anything wrong by not talking about it with him.

This is really helpful. I need to think more carefully as I have had 2 'victim' stalker types this year. Neither of them were first dates or internet randoms, I told them when I thought it was getting serious but actually I can see that they then got fixated on it. Which turned me off, I dumped them and they both started to stalk me on line and send unwanted gifts including books about abuse. Ok I can see it in a very different light now. Very very helpful 💐

I dumped them and they both started to stalk me on line and send unwanted gifts including books about abuse.

Oh good grief!

I remember one time with my ex, we were in the car and started arguing about something trivial. On the radio at the time was a piece about child abuse, I wasn't really listening to it (I was driving). A few minutes after we'd stopped arguing he said something like "I know you were only arguing because that piece on the radio about child abuse made you think about your childhood and upset you" - er, no, fuckwit, I was arguing because you did something annoying!

@VanGoghsDog

My father was violent and sexually and emotionally abusive and I was sexually abused by both my brother and sister.

There's no way I'd tell some internet random that on a first date. I think it opens the door for abusive people to see you as a victim and think they can abuse you. But then, I don't really get triggered in day to day situations (abuse in films etc actually has less effect om me than on other people). If I did, I'd explain it away some other way.

It's quite a big burden for people to hear that you've been abused. For those of us who have been abused we're like 'yeah....meh...that happened', because it's our history. For other people to hear it is Big News and by telling them you place a burden on them.

I'm not secretive but we're talking first date with a stranger here. Yes, I'd not be marrying someone who I hadn't explained this to and allowed them to process it. It does affect me - with my ex I couldn't stand him shouting at his son because when my dad shouted it usually led to me being hit. So we had a few discussions about that. I got used to it though (he didn't shout at him that much). I can't stand being shouted at at work either, though, again it doesn't happen often and it shouldn't happen so I don't need to explain why I can't bear it, being upset by it is enough.

My sister was very impacted when he kids who are the same sex and age difference as me and my brother reached the age we were when she was removed from the family home, and she hadn't seen that coming as an issue but she had a terrible time thinking they were going to die or be taken away from her somehow. So, her husband didn't know about that because until that moment she didn't know it was an issue, she didn't do anything wrong by not talking about it with him.

And thank you for sharing. I hope that hasn't tired you / triggered you. 💐♥️

@VanGogh I'm so sorry that that happened to you ❤️❤️❤️

vangogh that's horrendous. So sorry.

Oh, thank you all. It is part of the reason I struggle with relationships, but I think that's more about attachment disorder from when I was a baby.

I've had a lot of counselling :)

@VanGoghsDog

I’d think about the dynamic with MrWG and tbh I’d probably be a bit squeamish about it

unless you’re genuinely also into the kink/domme scene (fine if you are and have been
both been open about it obviously)

But if it’s just mainly come from him, it seems like he wants it to be about his fetish and him setting the set-up around HIS needs already, when you want someone for more mainstream contact/friendship/intimacy/dating?

Submissive people are often very controlling (the power dynamic turns them on)

and if it’s not something you’ve kind of “mutually” come to or a genuine joint interest then do you really want to be a prop for someone else’s kink? Don’t go along with his sexual needs just to keep the connection.

If you have feelings and want to just hang out and watch tv and cuddle on the sofa and chat about your day, do you want to commit to telling someone to do tasks in a stern voice for an hour (pretending it turns you on) and then not hear from him for the next two-three weeks?

It’s not the same as having a helpful male friend or dating someone who likes helping you with DIY. Or even a guy preferring you to instigate sex. It’s a strong kink.

He might want you to humiliate him or buy into his fantasy and pretend to force him to do things and you might find this emotionally too much.

I understand there’s a big market for highly paid dominatrixes as most women don’t really naturally like the whole dynamic - he seems to be wanting you to do this for free?!

Charge him if you do it and get a posh holiday at least and buy everyone on the thread a drink

@VanGoghsDog

Oh, thank you all. It is part of the reason I struggle with relationships, but I think that's more about attachment disorder from when I was a baby.

I've had a lot of counselling :)

♥️♥️♥️💐💐💐

@VanGoghsDog

My father was violent and sexually and emotionally abusive and I was sexually abused by both my brother and sister.

There's no way I'd tell some internet random that on a first date. I think it opens the door for abusive people to see you as a victim and think they can abuse you. But then, I don't really get triggered in day to day situations (abuse in films etc actually has less effect om me than on other people). If I did, I'd explain it away some other way.

It's quite a big burden for people to hear that you've been abused. For those of us who have been abused we're like 'yeah....meh...that happened', because it's our history. For other people to hear it is Big News and by telling them you place a burden on them.

I'm not secretive but we're talking first date with a stranger here. Yes, I'd not be marrying someone who I hadn't explained this to and allowed them to process it. It does affect me - with my ex I couldn't stand him shouting at his son because when my dad shouted it usually led to me being hit. So we had a few discussions about that. I got used to it though (he didn't shout at him that much). I can't stand being shouted at at work either, though, again it doesn't happen often and it shouldn't happen so I don't need to explain why I can't bear it, being upset by it is enough.

My sister was very impacted when he kids who are the same sex and age difference as me and my brother reached the age we were when she was removed from the family home, and she hadn't seen that coming as an issue but she had a terrible time thinking they were going to die or be taken away from her somehow. So, her husband didn't know about that because until that moment she didn't know it was an issue, she didn't do anything wrong by not talking about it with him.

I am sorry that happened to you. That is awful 😢

@VanGoghsDog

I dumped them and they both started to stalk me on line and send unwanted gifts including books about abuse.

Oh good grief!

I remember one time with my ex, we were in the car and started arguing about something trivial. On the radio at the time was a piece about child abuse, I wasn't really listening to it (I was driving). A few minutes after we'd stopped arguing he said something like "I know you were only arguing because that piece on the radio about child abuse made you think about your childhood and upset you" - er, no, fuckwit, I was arguing because you did something annoying!

Exactly. No, eff off, we're arguing because you've just been a dick. And no I'm not angry with you because I'm expressing suppressed rage or about to tumble into mental illness like other members of my family, I'm angry with you because you've just been a dick and are using some crappy amateur psychology against me!!!

I'm now seriously rethinking the point of sharing anything with men 🤷🏻‍♀️ just the parts of me that they won't twist or use against me.

New strategy starts now!!