Dating Thread 201: Get out from under your 3 month wonder and widen your areas

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@eesha me too with an alcoholic ex. They really are the gift that keeps giving aren’t they? Mine has got himself a (deluded but nice) girlfriend who he now lives with and is back to functioning again.

@GaraMedouar that sounds grim 🤢

I always wondered about the not vanilla comments. I am so vanilla too!

I like that line for closure @HairyArsedMan. I always send something to say I don’t want to continue talking, but that message is just right I think, very simple and to the point.

@noodles44 mine seems ok at present but ive seen this too many times before i believe he is ok again! Its just the moment i say why i split, plus that i have the gall to try and maintain a relationship for my kids, it seems to become offputting!

The "not vanilla" is a hint at kinks.

Most of us are really not vanilla. I mean, anything other than straight missionary and nothing else (no oral etc) is technically not vanilla - but I don't believe that is what they mean.

@VanGoghsDog You are so right with your last comment.

There are many flavours of vanilla, your basic is only doing missionary and then right through to bondage/hands around throat/hardcore kink stuff.

Whatever anyone is you just need to find someone who fits with you and never be pressurised.@GaraMedouar @noodles44 anyone else

Glad he is ok @eesha. You are probably right to not believe he is totally sorted. It has definitely given me additional red flags around alcohol now in a prospective iron. I had a few ex alcoholics message me when I first did OLD and even though they said they were now not drinking I declined to meet them as felt it would be unfair on us both if it progressed as I would be looking for signs they had slipped off the wagon.

My kid's dad is also an alcoholic, functioning mind you he works but an absolute mess. I'm lucky my last ex is more of a dad to my kids than him, even though we've been split ages he still wants to be in their life and is a good role model.

@noodles44 of my 9 dates in 3 years, i would say 4 were functional alcoholics. I believe they gravitated towards me because of my history somehow otherwise what were the odds. When i say alcoholics, i mean 8 bottles of beer plus a bottle of wine all for himself between 5pm and 11pm. I have another guy chatting, googled his name and says charged for drunk driving plus his kids don't really have time for him. I could have got it wrong with the googling as could have been someone else with the same name but it just feels a bit odd and i worry addicts gravitate towards me. By the way, 2 of my 9 dates were weed addicts! All respectable and normal from the outside. Just a rant!!!

I'm not aware of speaking to any alcoholics or weed addicts! I'd bin them off immediately anyway, but wonder how they get to latch onto you!

@VanGoghsDog with the alcoholic types, just didnt have a clue but they drank way more than normal on our dates. The weed blokes were more friends first and i didnt mind, but in hindsight they were full on addicts. My profile says no big drinkers etc. I do come across a bit maternal i guess!

Maybe be saying "no big drinkers" flags it?

I live rurally so everyone has to drive to dates so neither of us ever drink on dates I go on.

I don't date smokers at all, so any type of smoking would rule them out. Even if they never do it when I'm there.

That is a hell of a lot to drink on a date. I don’t have anything saying No big drinkers on my profile, I have just weeded them out from chats before meeting. Mr G hardly drinks and I really like that about him.

Ah I do have one ex who was almost certainly an alcoholic actually. I met him at work many years ago.
He couldn't not drink any evening. And as I don't drink much he was making me drink more, which I didn't like. I mean, I do like a drink but not every night, not even every week (I see it as a social thing so I don't drink on my own, I'd drink out with mates etc, but after seeing someone a while I'd not drink in the evenings even with them if we were at home, and it never bothers me to be the driver and not drink - until they make it so I always have to drive!).

He realised that I like Champagne so he kept buying Champagne so I'd drink with him, it took me a while to realise that was why he was doing it, not just being thoughtful.

And I realised he was an alcoholic when I found him pouring himself neat vodka with one hand while opening the Champagne bottle with the other and I asked what he was doing and he said he was pouring a drink to have while he waited for the Champagne to settle in the glass.

Having a nice conversation with someone normal sounding on Bumble, so things are hopefully starting well! 🤞🏻

Yay @OnwardsEverStridingOnwards 🤞good luck - I have pauses my apps for the month of April - and I’m set to go for a walk each morning !! 30 days of 30 walks - then when everything opens up again in May who knows ......

So not only is Mr Polite aiming to be a poor student, he lives within his mum 😪
I may sound judgey and I've never walked a mile in his shoes, but I need someone with their own place. He's 45 ffs! He is super clever, interesting, interested, funny, communicative, hot-enough, book- and animal lover. Who can build a shed. Argh! Why is it so hard to find a nice middle aged guy, who is financially independent and have their own home? And more than two brain cells to rub together? And who is not obese, fish holding or covered in tattoos?

I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not asking for anything I'm not offering myself. I offer all that and more. Maybe it is true that all the good ones are taken... But I'm a good one! And I'm available. Look! Over here! Cooeeee!!!

Having second thoughts about Mr AgeGap. Don't know if I'm talking myself out of it because I'm new to all of this, or whether it's my gut? He's 12 years my senior, but admits he is much younger in spirit and definitely does come across that way and looks younger too. He seems very kind, gentlemanly, open, good looking, amazing job, talkative, consistent..can't work out why I'm sat here planning a 'thanks but no thanks' message. He hasn't done or said anything wrong...I think it's the lack of fun and banter in the messaging that I get with other irons maybe?

Just caught up with the comments about big drinkers...maybe that's whats putting me off about him. Seems if he's not at work he's relaxing with a beer.

havecourage I'll have him! 😅
I may be too old for him though...

I would usually say listen to your gut, but I'm tempted to say give him a bit more time? He sounds like a good 'un, do you really want to bin him so soon? Maybe his lack of bantz is out of respect rather than dullness? Although if he is actually dull, that's a crime...

Grrr, I'm probably late to the party but whhyy have bumble removed the couple of free filters that were available? I know... to get us to sign up.

I heavily relied on the education filter, and now bumble is basically useless as a free version. I don't want to discriminate based on education but I did find I got fewer pouting, bed selfies etc with the filter on.

Also, on the subject of heavy drinking. I recently let one conversation drop after a guy was clearly a very middle class heavy wine drinker. It was all he could talk about. Either that or he was trying to show his middleclass-ness through mentioning wine all the time.

@WeWantTheFinestWines I think if a middle aged man had not long come out of a relationship and had to return to their parents in the short term while they sorted a place to rent or buy its fine but if its long term I agree its an issue.

Presumably the reason he can afford to study is because his mum will subsidise him quite a bit.

I don't think your wants are too far out there, when you get to your 40's you expect people to have their lives together.

@wewantthefinestwines yes you're probably right about him being respectful. He was a bit tipsy the other night and got quite repetitive (I thought it was hilarious) and cheeky...the next day he messaged me and apologised and said he'd really embarrassed himself and would understand if I'd been put off. He is really nice, maybe I'm just not used to a genuine guy after a ten year abusive relationship! Maybe I should meet him and see how it is in person. X

@havecourage8bekind - no harm in a meet-up - go for it

Hey 👋 Mr Facebook is still messaging me all the time I decided to ask if he wanted to do the hobby. He said "why not" but then hasnt asked when or made any plans lol.

wewantthefinestwines completely agree and I don't think you're asking for too much. Unless it was a very temporary situation I wouldn't like a guy in his 40s still living with his mum, no matter how 'polite' he was 🙂

snowy your iron doesn't seem too fussed I don't think ☹ you've given him your number, now asked to do the hobby and he still can't take the hint and make plans?!?! I think I'd cut back on the messaging, some men do just want pen pals. He knows where you are if he wants to do the hobby.

Signed up for the first time to OK Cupid last night. Took ages to work out why my photo wouldn't load properly but got there in the end. Seems very busy but that could be because I'm a new face. Some nice chats going though - let's see how long they last!!