Dating Thread 201: Get out from under your 3 month wonder and widen your areas

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Ha yes, we need to keep repeating the mantra every day !

Can I join in please? Long time lurker and dipping my toes back into the pool that is OLD. Started using Tinder/Bumble and a paid site a couple of weeks ago after splitting up with someone I met online after 18 months together. Left things for a few months before deciding that the time is right for me. Had a couple of dates in the past few weeks - one who wants to meet again apparently but no plans made as yet. Had another date yesterday - I was 50/50 but he invited me round to his for dinner on Saturday - um no! Said that he never speaks/dates 2 at the same time and promptly saw him back on the site we matched on. Called him out and told him to shove off. Boundaries are certainly set this time around.

@DatingDisastrously no, that's not awful at all - it's normal I'd say. I never expect a response if I like or comment on someone's photo or comment on Hinge, and even if they do respond or invite me to chat, half the time they don't reply anyway.

As Spring says, it's just the way it is - most conversations fade away, or matches disappear. The only time it's a bit rude I think is when you've actually discussed meeting up, but even then you don't owe each other anything, and it's not the end of the world. They're clearly not that into you, and have just saved you the hassle of deciding that they aren't suitable for you.

[quote TheCatWithTheHat]@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards I agree with everyone else, that him not replying says everything about him. Sadly OLD is full of people like this, and it's easy to take it personally when really it's not you, it's them. No one finds it easy using the apps - on either side of the fence, so try not to let it get to you.

Just yesterday an iron unmatched me mid-conversation for no apparent reason - we'd been chatting away, getting on well and she said she'd love to meet when I suggested it. Then I sent a reply saying when I'd be free, and asked when would be good for her - and the following morning she was gone! I've lost count of how many other chats have just stopped replying or simply disappeared mid-conversation.

My reasoning is that there are a lot of people new to OLD, and until they've been treated badly by someone else, they won't realise how hurtful their behaviour can be to you.

@havecourage8bekind how do you know he doesn't see you as an 8 too, or even a 9? One thing my therapist has been telling me recently is to not try to second-guess people. Just be yourself, and let them decide whether they like the authentic you or not. For all you know, he might be having exactly the same doubts.[/quote]
@TheCatWithTheHat oh no! That's horrible. 🙁 some people can be really cruel. You sound really nice so I bet you'll met someone really nice soon 🙂 thank you for your lovely comments. ❤️

@DatingDisastrously

I don't reply to people who like my photo on hinge unless I like them. Is that awful? I see it as just not matching but worry i'm being heartless. Though I suspect (hope) they may not even remember liking me.

Other bad manners i may be guilty of is when there is a ghosting situation where the conversation ends and then neither of you resume.
Where I haven't been interested I have been tempted to get in touch so that I'm not ghosting them, but then they might have been ghosting me anyway but if not, is there any point messaging after a few days or a week just to say I'm not interested?

I don't want to be cruel to anyone. Equally I don't want to drag out conversations where I know I'm not interested in them.

@DatingDisastrously that's not harsh at all. I think it's best to it that way, as you don't want to get over involved in a conversation with Someone when you don't fancy them, or there's no spark between you.

Thanks everyone. It's good to hear a consensus opinion on OLD etiquette! Only one of my RL friends has done it and that was back in the day - I think things were done differently then.

Hi everyone,

I just want to say a huge THANK YOU to everyone who replied to my post yesterday and today. You all made me feel so much better and happier, and I really appreciate that.

Really happy I joined Mumsnet now (even though I'm not a mum yet, haha)

Good luck to everyone going on dates this week and weekend ❤️

@DatingDisastrously

Thanks everyone. It's good to hear a consensus opinion on OLD etiquette! Only one of my RL friends has done it and that was back in the day - I think things were done differently then.

You're very welcome, @Dating 🙂

I've taken a sick day, I'm still in bed, really struggling with my mental health. So of course I reached out to Mr HT because I needed his friendship and he just seemed so off and cold. He said 'I'm happy and this is just how I am' so I called him out on his behaviour and asked if he was acting now or in the first couple of months we met. Told him I saw his value and cared and I wished him well. He choose not to answer the question instead said something shitty. Last week I was still the northern goddess. He's just a hurt and angry avoidant. How dare I care, let alone express that I do.

I didn't respond, there's no point. I was kind and caring and respectful even in the calling him out. He knows how I feel, if he's happy leaving it with him being awful to me that's up to him.

It was a few hours ago.

I'm trying to be tough and move along.

@cravingthelook

I've taken a sick day, I'm still in bed, really struggling with my mental health. So of course I reached out to Mr HT because I needed his friendship and he just seemed so off and cold. He said 'I'm happy and this is just how I am' so I called him out on his behaviour and asked if he was acting now or in the first couple of months we met. Told him I saw his value and cared and I wished him well. He choose not to answer the question instead said something shitty. Last week I was still the northern goddess. He's just a hurt and angry avoidant. How dare I care, let alone express that I do.

I didn't respond, there's no point. I was kind and caring and respectful even in the calling him out. He knows how I feel, if he's happy leaving it with him being awful to me that's up to him.

It was a few hours ago.

I'm trying to be tough and move along.

@cravingthelook

@cravingthelook - so sorry to hear - that’s awful behaviour , take care of yourself

I'm going to go against the grain @DatingDisastrously ...

I think we should gracefully end conversations when we realise our interest is waning (for whatever the reason - which needn't be disclosed). In the context of online dating, I see it as an absolute necessity not to leave someone hanging, even if you are of the mind that they may have other options. It's just unnecessarily rude. A simple "Thanks for chatting, I think I'll leave it there and wish you good luck with your dating" suffices.

There's so much consternation about lapsed conversations on these threads that I thought it'd be the sort of thing that is welcomed. If we view the online dating culture as lazy and brutal, I think it's up to us to raise the bar.

At the same time I have long friendships where the messaging is just fire and forget and we trust each other to pick things up as and when. It suffices to say that this mutual courtesy has been earned over time.

I'm totally fire and forget with both OLD and friendships.
This is perhaps why I end up in situations which are unclear on OLD.
Thank you for the different perspective.
So hard especially when I second guess others (which plenty of you have had advice not to and I should take on board).

Sorry to those feeling rubbish, especially @cravingthelook and @OnwardsEverStridingOnwards
Good times are coming in some shape or form!

@DatingDisastrously

I'm totally fire and forget with both OLD and friendships. This is perhaps why I end up in situations which are unclear on OLD. Thank you for the different perspective. So hard especially when I second guess others (which plenty of you have had advice not to and I should take on board).

Sorry to those feeling rubbish, especially @cravingthelook and @OnwardsEverStridingOnwards
Good times are coming in some shape or form!

@DatingDisastrously that's lovely of you to say! Thank you ❤️

"Thanks for chatting, I think I'll leave it there and wish you good luck with your dating"

Have signed up to Bumble. Wish me luck 🙂

@cravingthelook i think you handled this well, you reached out and Mr HT wasnt bothered. I would take a step back now instead of trying to analyse his behaviour too much. You just can't rely on him.

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards your iron is allowed to not be interested post your email about CP but he has shown you that he's someone who prefers to ghost/hide away rather than discuss/be more open. Ive had that personally and its sad but no one wants to really be the bearer of bad news i guess. There will be those who are more open and upfront in future. You are still young

[quote Eesha]@cravingthelook i think you handled this well, you reached out and Mr HT wasnt bothered. I would take a step back now instead of trying to analyse his behaviour too much. You just can't rely on him.

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards your iron is allowed to not be interested post your email about CP but he has shown you that he's someone who prefers to ghost/hide away rather than discuss/be more open. Ive had that personally and its sad but no one wants to really be the bearer of bad news i guess. There will be those who are more open and upfront in future. You are still young[/quote]
I get your point, @Eesha, but saying that 'he's allowed to be not interested.' Is a bit harsh. I didn't chose to be disabled and all I want is what everyone else has. Really don't think it's too much to ask?

I'm thinking about deleting him soon. I don't think he's worth my time and you've all shown me that there are much better guys out there.

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards sorry i didn't mean it like that but i guess people have weird things. Im sure people become far less interested in me once they know i have toddlers or an alcoholic ex or even that im not working! Some choose to be open, others hide away. I've no doubt you will find those who are fine with you no matter what.

[quote Eesha]@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards sorry i didn't mean it like that but i guess people have weird things. Im sure people become far less interested in me once they know i have toddlers or an alcoholic ex or even that im not working! Some choose to be open, others hide away. I've no doubt you will find those who are fine with you no matter what.[/quote]
@Eesha 👍🏻

I just had a nosey at the apps and seeing a lot more 'not especially vanilla' comments by men. I wonder if women write the same things. And also what constitutes vanilla these days?

@Eesha - I’ve wondered that too - what’s one person’s vanilla is another’s tutti frutti I suppose
Usually I see that on the one’s who say they are married and looking for NSA outside.
Those are immediate swipe lefts for me , along with the men holding fish , or practically naked.

I swiped last night and the next pic appearing was a huge close up of a pair of blue y-fronts with a bulge - left nothing to the imagination. I’m also shortsighted (extremely) but take my glasses off to look at my mobile , and the phone is about 5 inches from my face. That was not want I wanted to see - couldn’t swipe left quick enough on that one!!!! 🤢

@Eesha

I just had a nosey at the apps and seeing a lot more 'not especially vanilla' comments by men. I wonder if women write the same things. And also what constitutes vanilla these days?

They mean they can abuse you - hands round neck, ejaculate in your face, you know, porn stuff

I am so vanilla 🤢

Ew