Dating Thread 201: Get out from under your 3 month wonder and widen your areas

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

snowy yeah I know the feeling - my iron last year wouldn't meet me for months, he had the chance to as well. Sounds like yours might just be shy though with any luck 😊

Speaking to a guy. Seems nice but hes split with an ex last year and still works with her. it's a big place but still

BLTLover,I would keep chatting and getting to know him. Considering most chats lead to nothing and the chance of a relationship at the end is pretty slim 😄 sorry I should be more positive I know(!)I would worry about that if things progressed down the road. If it was a recent split then may be more wary.

My new tinder approach is all fun and banter then saying I'm going to throw them some questions. So far the couple of guys im chatting to I think quite like it. To them it sounds fun but I'm analysing each answer and seeing if we are good matches.I'm asking who they live with,are they big drinkers, got any cheeky vices they want to share,are they big into travelling and are they are savers or spenders. These are important to me.One guy said wow I've never been asked these before,fire away some more!!

Not sure if it's a good approach but I really need someone compatible to settle down with. Oh,I also ask their relationship with their DC,that's important too.

They also have a child together. I'm not getting invested again though. I cant be arsed

It doesnt sound great and sounds like your gut is saying no.

@kerkyra i used to take that sort of approach too, it was great and felt fun though all the time i was storing those answers!

I'm on my phone so struggling to tag anyone that replied to me this morning about my self esteem wobble regarding meeting Mr Gorgeous. I appreciated all of the lovely words and I've decided I'm gonna just do it. If I get rejected after - fxck it! I've still been on a date with a right hotty lol. Also pencilled in a date with Mr AgeGap for next Friday. He's alot older than me but I'm going to be open minded as the chat flows well! X

My gut always says no but thats what anxiety does to me

Sometimes I think I'd just rather a shag tbh

Exactly Eesha we need to know these things and not waste time messaging no hopers.
I might ask their diet preference next time as its not a major deal breaker but not sure I can live with a fussy man or someone who drinks litres of coke a day. Gosh I sound awful,no wonder I'm single 😄

I dated a guy, briefly, who couldn't eat after six pm, couldn't eat anything spicy, no tomatoes, no herbs. He also didn't drink (I do, but not much, though I like to get a bit tipsy on that third date!).

It made cooking for him impossible. The only time I did cook for him he said I used too much garlic and gave him a headache.

Now I won't date food fussies, and I never cook for someone until they have cooked for me.

Anyone else find that spring is bringing ex irons out of their boxes

Woke up to two messages today checking my status and ability to meet

Feels good to be in a position to say thanks but no thanks. Although I wanted to actually say a lot more

@daisymat I am. 2 have come out of the wood work last week and today

BLTlover,you could join fab? I couldnt as I get too attached to anyone I sleep with but I know it's worked for many on here.

I had an ex.....er...... dalliance contact me on LinkedIn last week.

I did Fab and Passion.com about ten years ago, just meeting guys for sex. Had a great time. No idea now I think back how I managed it, I had quite a few on the go and was continually meeting more guys. And I had a really busy job at the time, plus I was studying for my degree.

After a while, it made me feel weird. None of them ever rejected me. I rejected plenty of them, but all the guys I met would have happily shagged me. I started to lose respect for men (even though I knew this was a self selected sub set) and added to finding out a few were attached, it seemed like time to knock it on the head. There are two who email me about once a year to see if I'm still "up for it" (I've never responded). And one I added to LinkedIn (not the guy above) who looks at my LI page about every two months. I've had a few brief chats with him on messaging, but I won't go back there (even though he is the one I fell for!).

Oh, yeah, and I met my now-ex on Fab, we had a seven year relationship, lived together etc.

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards I agree with everyone else, that him not replying says everything about him. Sadly OLD is full of people like this, and it's easy to take it personally when really it's not you, it's them. No one finds it easy using the apps - on either side of the fence, so try not to let it get to you.

Just yesterday an iron unmatched me mid-conversation for no apparent reason - we'd been chatting away, getting on well and she said she'd love to meet when I suggested it. Then I sent a reply saying when I'd be free, and asked when would be good for her - and the following morning she was gone! I've lost count of how many other chats have just stopped replying or simply disappeared mid-conversation.

My reasoning is that there are a lot of people new to OLD, and until they've been treated badly by someone else, they won't realise how hurtful their behaviour can be to you.

@havecourage8bekind how do you know he doesn't see you as an 8 too, or even a 9? One thing my therapist has been telling me recently is to not try to second-guess people. Just be yourself, and let them decide whether they like the authentic you or not. For all you know, he might be having exactly the same doubts.

Hopefully everyone managed to enjoy the sunshine today! I went for a mahoosive long walk with a friend - who I originally met on a date just over a year ago, and we've become good friends. It was so nice just seeing people out and about, and life appearing to be one step closer to normal. The best thing about being outside for me was that I didn't look at my phone once in 7 hours - no swiping, messaging or even worrying about whether anyone had replied. Bliss!

@thecatwiththehat I spoke to my therapist today and she said very similar. Why should I decide if he likes me or not before I've even met him? Why write myself off like that? Like someone said earlier...he might think I'm an 8 (bloody not) & he might be an 8 but have other qualities that aren't so great. We shall see!

Also agree about the unmatching mid conversation..feels so rude! I had a few do that yesterday. I'm assuming theyd downloaded the app on a loneliness whim at the weekend and then got rid come Monday!

I think some people just delete their profiles and I always imagine that their partner caught them!

Fed up with trying to chat to people who don't ask any questions, don't they understand how conversations work?

@havecourage8bekind I saw a meme recently that said dating is all about wondering why someone is single, then figuring it out.

Definitely don't write yourself off, and I'm also sure you're not a 5! Everyone has someone out there who will think they're a 10, and we deserve nothing less.

I don't reply to people who like my photo on hinge unless I like them. Is that awful? I see it as just not matching but worry i'm being heartless. Though I suspect (hope) they may not even remember liking me.

Other bad manners i may be guilty of is when there is a ghosting situation where the conversation ends and then neither of you resume.
Where I haven't been interested I have been tempted to get in touch so that I'm not ghosting them, but then they might have been ghosting me anyway but if not, is there any point messaging after a few days or a week just to say I'm not interested?

I don't want to be cruel to anyone. Equally I don't want to drag out conversations where I know I'm not interested in them.

I do kind of feel that the modern etiquette is to just stop chatting if you’re not interested in someone - I don’t really take it personally myself now and it seems a bit “much” to do or receive long complicated explanations?

If contact X just disappears unless we have a scheduled date very soon it doesn’t really register?

I don’t want to know a detailed story they’ve met the love of their life or someone else has hotter photos than me so I’ve been benched

I agree it can be hurtful but in general lots of people are flaky so it’s best with apps to keep expectations low?

Dropping half way through chats was the thing even when I starred match.com ages ago so I just adjust to the mindset. It’s not saying it’s right or wrong but just the way it is?

Eg MrPM has said “great let’s certainly meet” about my my staycation in his city.

I know that’s a positive indication of interest which is nice, but not a solid commitment as it’s a long way away. So it’s not really a proper scheduled date.

From my social experience with dates and friends nothing is certain till we’re sat there in a cafe or bar. Till then he’s just a photo and a few lines on a screen.

So I’m not going to hold it against him if he does ghost or pull out or not be available

I’ll just have my own plans, might tinder if I’m lonely and want a night out anyway

@springlikebunk can I private message you And can you repeat that to me constantly until it sinks in!? You have such a way with words and it all makes so much sense. I'm definitely going to be less bothered going forward. And I've just been on tinder and looked at my messages - there's actually two that I haven't replied to mid conversation so what a hypocrite!! Suppose with everyone's options, you can't explain to everyone you don't fancy them!