Dating Thread 201: Get out from under your 3 month wonder and widen your areas

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@sortingitout because he's deffo an 8/10 and I'm more a 5 - that's my reason in this situation haha!

@Dancerinthemoonlight absolutely not too harsh. I'd like to think you pointing this out to him would make him think twice in future about appropriate suggestions for meets. Agree re thinking with his dick, and as you're not looking for a hook up at least he's shown who is early on.
@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards it's basic manners lacking here, I'm sorry he hasn't at least said one way or the other. It's the typical cliche I know but you are still young and it only takes one guy! I'm a similar age to you and would want to roll my eyes at this (feel free!) but see how the summer pans out.
@havecourage8bekind I know this feeling well Mr Dog is way out of my league looks wise but I'm going to to arrange a date zero to see him in the flesh. Some people do photo better than others in your case, he might feel he has baggage?! Everyone has little esteem niggles, try not to let it spoil things!
I think Mr Polo is breadcrumbing me. I'm going to do the "match his effort" thing and give it til the end of next week to reassess someone please confiscate my phone

@havecourage8bekind But he might not be an 8/10 to every woman, some women might think he's a 4🤷‍♀️

And you are way higher than a 5🙂

onwards sorry he hasn't replied, echoing everyone else though it says way more about him than you...x

dancer that guy sounds like an arrogant prick - good on you for making a stand and telling him it's unacceptable.

Glad you are liking the videos uttersocks and whoever else has had a listen. I was a bit dubious at first but I think his basic messages make total sense.

Still no irons for me - only potential day out at the weekend is with my friend iron Mr Spreadsheet but that's not really making me excited 😕

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards hope you got some sleep and are feeling better this morning. It’s all him, if your disability freaked him out or made him lose interest he could have been adult enough to say so, but what would have been more adult would have been to continue the conversation as you were getting on well. Presumably you didn’t go into detail in your initial text so he obviously made a snap judgment. I think even if he responded today (after what? 3 days) I wouldn’t feel the same because that text was not a normal one that you pace your response to, that text required some kind of reaction.
Your username has never been more apt

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

Sorry to hear you’re feeling low - you are clearly full of love and coolness no matter what your status.

Just thinking generally back to how I found the dating scene in your age range (please ignore me if I’m off the mark) how are you getting on with other things in your life like study/career etc?

I found retraining really opened up new social and dating opportunities for me/gave me a lot of confidence in myself?

Dating can be really very shallow and tough on the self-esteem (I know I’ve been “written off” for quite a few reasons at times and felt worthless) and me having an identity that wasn’t just based on guys liking or not liking me has really helped? So I take it a bit less seriously.

Another one just sending and @OnwardsEverStridingOnwards - you sound amazing and it could be anything why he hasn't replied, happens to me and everyone a lot and it’s the nature of OLD so don’t go taking to heart. Hugs 💗

MrPM seems up for meeting when I’m in his city (although we’ll see with lockdown etc) so that would be nice. I don’t see the point of exchanging loads of messaging apart from organising as it’s all “nothing” till/if we meet really.

So I’ll just check in closer to the date.

Slightly annoying though as if I’m going “solo and single” I can take one outfit for three days but might want to be a bit more presentable for a date zero.

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards I agree it's the lack of manners. Awful.

Well gang it's 6 days since I heard from Mr HT and I last suggested a date evening which he understandably turned down because it was his daughter's birthday. I told him the other alternative was today. He never tried to make a plan and there's been zero contact.

I was pissed off last night so made a bumble account. 12 matches, 1 unmatched after I sent my opener. 1 started talking about it being a shag fest in the summer when everything opens up and I say aye indeed and he unmatched - thank goodness.
1 was chatting away and unmatched mid conversation.
1 is talking and he seems nice enough but there is no clever flow.
The other 8 haven't replied to my openers.

I do have one chat on OKC because I never deleted that one. It's an ok chat, again there's no flow.

Mr BeachHut believe it or not is being chatty, he's a twat but we get along so I'm humouring him.

Why did I bother, I was hoping for a distraction, maybe a nice evening or two to help me forget Mr HT.

😒

@onwardseverstridingonwards
Agreeing with everyone else saying that him not responding says everything about who he is and nothing about you.
One day you will meet someone who likes you for you and doesn't see any issues.
We are the same age (I'm turning 28 in may)

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards I agree with everyone else here... How rude of him not to reply at all!! What an adult he is being 🙄

I agree you will find someone who likes you for you!!

onwards - why can’t people have any manners!

cravingthelook - 12 matches , wow - surely one must be half decent ..... then again . I’ve exhausted my Bumble. Tinder - ooh apparently I have a super like (probably from an old age pensioner) but I don’t pay so wouldn’t be able to see - or maybe they’re just trying to entice me to subscribe !
Oh well two more days of swiping before my April ‘switch off the apps’

@bangheadhere40 thanks for the video recommendation. I have just learned so much and had a real eye opener about my last LTR from this one:

@Dancerinthemoonlight shocking enough that someone would even expect you to go anywhere near their place, but then to get defensive - in light of everything that's going on?! I reckon you would have been justified in being a lot harsher than you were.

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards sorry you're feeling sad... I often feel the same way and I'm in my 50s! I do have kids - because I 'settled' in my late 30s - but have still never had the loving respectful relationship that I think I deserve and am still looking for. Many others do find that though, and you have so much time.

@havecourage8bekind I know exactly what you mean. I can't imagine that someone who I think is objectively gorgeous would want to be interested in little 'ole me. But you must believe that you are gorgeous and for all you know he might be a dick so treat him and think of him as you would anyone else.

I've decided to bin Mr Music as his comms are rubbish. I'm still chatting to the smart nerd, who I will call Mr Polite. Don't know if he's just being... polite... with his quick replies as he is new to old and worries about hurting people, so is he interested or just... polite? There has been some very innocent flirting but it's hard to gauge interest - no suggestion of phone call or meet-up but he is over an hour away anyway. For now I'll just keep chatting and focussing on sorting out my domestic situation.

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards sorry you are feeling down but really you had a lucky escape if he is that rude and ignorant! The lack of manners on the apps is appalling.

I had a guy I had a park walk with pop up again (Mr Medic). It didn't lead anywhere at the time, he said he liked me but didn't think we were a match (which was fine, we all have a type!) but we continued chatting as 'friends' as we are both into fitness but last night a few months after we met he started saying he did really fancy me but didn't want to get involved with me because I was going through divorce issues and had said I wanted to move overseas but he kept thinking about me and could we start again? I am assuming he tried the rest of the apps, wasn't as desirable as he thought he was and realised he had lost out! 😂But who ever really knows what goes on in someone's head? (obviously I said no because of Mr G. I am still up for a park trip though if only to talk about weightlifting!)

@havecourage8bekind I'm sure you are gorgeous and not punching at all. And handsome guy might be thick or have a micro-penis or body odour 😂 (not trying to put you off hahaha! just saying you never know what you are going to get).

Right, another long day at work beckons. Hopefully as lockdown eases dating apps will get better and dates will start minding their manners when there is a more real prospect of meeting up somewhere decent!

Apart from anything else, it's currently literally illegal to go to someone else's house.

No cringy good morning message from Mr France this morning. I have so much to focus on other than irons at the moment .
Still resisting getting back on the apps properly until mid April. Question is do I want to turn 28 on the apps or go back on the second week of may
Trying to distract myself as I have an interview in 15 mins which has been moved forward a week.

Good luck with interview @Dancerinthemoonlight

Good luck @Dancerinthemoonlight

Also echoing what everyone has said about the rude guy @OnwardsEverStridingOnwards - it definitely says more about him and in many ways at least he showed his true colours early on before you got too invested.

I hope everyone is enjoying the sun today. I am going for a drive to the beach for a walk/picnic/read my book for a change of scene today. I am sick of muddy cold forest walks!

I find men never reply on bumble, or if they do it's maybe one or two sentences then they go, I've not used it for months for this very reason.

We've all got to try not to take rejection personally on these apps, which is easy after a few messages but when it's been more than that it feels personal doesn't it 🙁

wewantthefinestwines hard to tell with Mr Polite...there are some polite men on there who are happy to chat with nothing else and waste our time.

I think there should be a new app where after so many back and forth messages it prompts you both by saying - do you want to go on a date, if you both answer yes then it prompts you with where and when. Would weed out the incessant chatters and wondering if they are interested or not 😄

Agree with bumble views.

you feel great when you see the list of matches - but like tinder I think a lot of them just swipe for a bit of an ego boost/curiosity/everyone and aren’t necessarily really “into” everyone they swipe on.

I watched a few of those Elliot guy videos. It's pretty much the same as "The Rules". Also, he referred to women who don't think men should always have to take the lead as "feminazis". So, I don't I'll listen to him any more.

[quote SortingItOut]@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards Mr GC not replying to your message says everything about who he is and nothing about you.

Even if your messsge was a shock to him a normal person would have thanked you for telling him and either carried on chatting and hopefully a meet or said that he was no longer interested.
Only a w⚓ ignores things completely.

OLD is brutal and you need a heart of stone, even then its hard not to take ignoring/ghosting as a personal affront.

One day you will meet someone who wants you for you, please do not give up hope.

What is your life like generally? Do you have friends and hobbies?
Hopefully with restrictions easing you will be able to get out to see friends.

💕💕[/quote]
Thank you @Sorting. I do agree with you.

I suffer with anxiety, So I do take things personally sometimes. I think it's the way that the same pattern seems to keep forming when I'm talking to irons is is the difficult thing. Also I've noticed that It's almost always me that keeps the conversations going.

My life is okay. I'm a HR student, So I'm studying quite a bit. I do get periods in life when I go though bad patches with my CP, though. So things can seem a bit more stressful there.

I still live with my parents, because their house is adapted for my needs. I do want to move out at some point though. I'm close to my Nan and Uncle.

I do have friends, (quite a small circle, it's always been this way, since I was at school) they're older than me though, and have got their own struggles, so I don't feel I can burden them. I have always connected with older women, more than women of my own age.

Reading is probably my main hobby, and I'm part of a women's book club that I've been a member of for about three years. I do have friends there, though they can be a little tactless about matters of the heart (for example, when
I told them about my ex breaking up with me, one of the members came out with 'maybe he didn't love you.')

Thank you so much for your message. I really appreciate it.

💕💕💕 back at you x

@Dancerinthemoonlight definitely not harsh. If guys don't get why that would make a woman feel uncomfortable then it says a lot about them.

Talking of self-defence, have you looked at Krav Maga? Someone I used to know did it, and she was very petite. I asked her to give me a quick demo, and I was impressed! Granted I'm not a huge hulk of a guy, but there was no way I would have come out of there in one piece if she hadn't been gentle with me!

oh @VanGoghsDog - I haven't come across that sort of thing yet. Puts me right off. It's just so useful hearing the man's point of view though, from men who aren't as kind and considerate of our feelings as the lovely blokes on this thread.

Good luck @Dancerinthemoonlight!

Mr Polite is now all chatty, which is great. He's super clever and funny and I really like chatting to him. But I now know that he's unemployed (not furloughed) and looking for work that will allow him to also do a course at uni, which he'll have to fund himself. So that's years of being a broke student. Which is admirable, but I'm too old for that. I even put in my profile I want someone solvent. I want to be able to go out for meals and days out and eventually on holiday with someone. I'm not looking for rich, or to be 'spoilt' (I hate that word), but just someone who can pay their way, as I've spent years supporting a family of 4 on an NHS salary and I don't ever want to support anyone else again. Sounds harsh, I know, and he seems lovely, but....

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

Sorry to hear you’re feeling low - you are clearly full of love and coolness no matter what your status.

Just thinking generally back to how I found the dating scene in your age range (please ignore me if I’m off the mark) how are you getting on with other things in your life like study/career etc?

I found retraining really opened up new social and dating opportunities for me/gave me a lot of confidence in myself?

Dating can be really very shallow and tough on the self-esteem (I know I’ve been “written off” for quite a few reasons at times and felt worthless) and me having an identity that wasn’t just based on guys liking or not liking me has really helped? So I take it a bit less seriously.[/quote]
Aww thank you, @Spring! That's really sweet of you to say.