Dating Thread 201: Get out from under your 3 month wonder and widen your areas

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Thank you so much for your suppprt, everyone. I really appreciate it. I'm feeling okay now

@bangheadhere40

onwards how come you've not met? Are you a long way away? Has he mentioned meeting? x

He's said he'd like to meet, but he hasn't said when yet.

I think he's a bit busy with his job at the moment. Plus he's moving house soon, so that probably isn't helping matters.

[quote Shayelle2009]@Dancerinthemoonlight maybe its a bit different if he’s French, I think id take the message a bit more tongue in cheek but see how he goes on.

Aww @OnwardsEverStridingOnwards i know... it gets tiring. Dont write it off just yet hopefully he’ll reply soon 🙂[/quote]
@Shayelle ❤️

[quote Shayelle2009]@Dancerinthemoonlight maybe its a bit different if he’s French, I think id take the message a bit more tongue in cheek but see how he goes on.

Aww @OnwardsEverStridingOnwards i know... it gets tiring. Dont write it off just yet hopefully he’ll reply soon 🙂[/quote]
@Shayelle yes, I'm really hoping so🤞🏻x

I think we all do what that dating guru describes. If we fancy someone, we put up with their shit.

@VanGoghsDog Sounds like MrJW is giving you the crumbs from his table. I say sounds like, because these things are being presented from one side. Do you give him crumbs ? Are you chatting freely with him whenever you feel like it ? Or has it got awkward - comms-wise and you're both not giving as much as you first did ? I've certainly been in the latter situation. It sucks. On the one hand it could be two reticent guarded people, or on the other, one person blowing hot and cold, with the other deciding not to have to deal with that.

Do you give him crumbs ?

Heh, no, I give him whole loaves of home baked sourdough bread!

My messages are usually quite chatty, and from Nov he was chatty at times, we had huge long conversations by text, including stuff about favourite bands, first gigs, songs to be played at our funeral, places we've visited, job history, family, loads of stuff about sex......also shared what we were looking for etc.

I went to his and had a walk and cuppa, following week he came to mine for walk and cuppa and then Xmas I think got in the way, I was near his and let him know and he asked me to pop in, that's when I stayed later and we had take away, couple of weeks after that was Valentine's Day, where I popped in and he gave me flowers and chocolates.......then one Sat night he started texting and arranged to come to mine next morning which is when he made pancakes for breakfast (I wasn't even dressed) and then we had a walk (I got dressed for that!). He kissed me literally as he was leaving.

I was then near his the following weekend and let him know, popped in for a cuppa and felt he was quite "off" with me, texting had been stilted at that stage. I kissed him as I left, but then I had to have a two week gap due to being mum's bubble. Texted him from mum's, mainly got two word replies.

Got home, texted him, got a reply saying how busy he was, I gave a couple of chatty follow ups which he just left hanging for over a week, then last night he responded to one of those comments, asked a question about it (but didn't say hi or ask how I was). I answered the question and asked how he was. Got two messages telling me how busy he is (half an hour apart), to which I did not respond.

Hmmm.......I do wonder if he expected "more" from me on the morning of the pancakes and got the hump that I didn't drag him to bed. But I tend to think if people expect something they need to tell you!

Also - I'm not going to analyse his behaviour, he can behave properly or sod off, his reasons are his.

Though interestingly a friend I walked with last week knows him and said he came out of a relationship last year and "didn't seem to know if he was coming or going", which he's never mentioned, and considering how much we have shared that does make me wonder a bit. He's told me loads of stuff about other relationships, just not that one as far as I can tell.

I think many of us will have been in the situation where we're waiting on messages and trying to second guess or validate why they are not arriving freely and regularly. But if I am honest, I know that when I was on the apps and subsequently WA I would only respond promptly to those I was genuinely interested in. Other times if not interested or put on the spot - but not wanting to appear rude - I would be evasive or fudge a reply.
You can either try to put your mind set in the 'I'm chill and in no rush/60days to shape up or ship out' place if that works for you in your current situation. Or If not then it may be a case of listening to your instincts and if you can find no valid reason for their inconsistent contact, taking ownership of your needs and not letting someone mess you around. I think I did actually float the idea a while ago that if someone is into you why would they risk losing you by not putting in the effort to stay in touch/make the call/ arrange the date ?

The waiting on messages I think is the hardest part, my un-named iron often takes a little while to reply which can cause me to overthink (doesn't take much to make me overthink tbh) but then on the other hand, I think it's actually a really nice trait that he's happy in his own company so doesn't need to text someone just to fill a void, works hard, studies on the side, doesn't constantly have a phone in his hand it seems.

Yeah - think the 60 day thing all depends how the rest of the ‘relationship’ feels - I have progressed over the to an actual girlfriend so pretty excited by that

@vangoghsdog strange that he blew cold randomly? The rest of the set up sounds perfect. Have you asked him if anything changed? X

Yes, you are right onesmallstep when I look at my behaviour I'm quick to reply to the ones I like and to firm things up but not so efficient with the ones I'm not fussed about.

I don't think any of us like to feel rejected though. I am changing my mindset though that I'd rather go with my instinct if I don't think they are interested and give it up as a bad job than do what I've done before - flog a dead horse.

No Ive not asked about meeting as I wanted him to ask me. I think im just going to leave it, he might just want a text buddy lol

@LongtimelurkerL, yay ! lovely update to hear that you are now his girlfriend. What a great outcome after that period of being not quite sure where things were heading after so many walks !

Thanks @Onesmallstep67

My ex is being super good at the moment with having the kids and it's making me feel worse! It's not so bad if you can't get childcare etc so you can't go on dates but when you can and you still have none it's depressing.

I could potentially have Thursday night to Tuesday morning off this week...just seems a waste 😕

Whole loaves @VanGoghsDog ! Clearly you've been spoiling him. Now you've fleshed it out I guess he seems a bit sulky with a whiff of entitlement if the short answers thing was because he had no chance of spending time with you.

@SnowyWinterDays Just ask him if you want to go out with him. You've given him the green light in your mind, but from his perspective he's just been chatting about a hobby ! Suggest meeting for a drink in a couple of weeks and see what he says.

I’ve watched some YouTube videos this morning and took away ‘if you are having to analyse his communication - he doesn’t like you’ and ‘if he likes you he won’t risk losing you’. The reason my iron is not replying is because he’s not interested, but (presumably) thinks I’m nice so doesn’t want to upset me , or feel guilty - so just does nothing to wait for me to give up. It’s annoying though that he didn’t just say he didn’t want to meet up again when I asked him, rather than say ok to a second date - and then stall - I gave ample opportunity for honesty.

I will send no more texts .
But from this I will take away that in future if I’m in his position I will always msg the person to let them down gently so they are not left hanging on. I will show more consideration to the other person.

He didnt sound bery mature emotionaaly @GaraMedouar i guess we cant always expdct peopld to be well behaved. Sorry youve been left ganging byt you can decide to put an dnd to that.

@VanGoghsDog that guys behaviour sounds pretty hurtful i would be really upset by that coldness after youve spent some nice times together and unless there was a reason why id be really careful about letting them back into my life at all. Its good you didnt reply to those texts yesterday

Whoops excuse typos 🥸

@bangheadhere40 how’s your swiping going? Got any matches/chats on the go?

Hi Shayelle no, not at the moment. I haven't swiped left on anyone in ages though on tinder. Getting quite a few messages on pof but all of them aren't suitable 🙂

I lie - I think I swiped left on 1 on tinder, who obviously hasn't liked me back 😄

I’ve swiped loads - and no matches! Oh apart from one I accidentally swiped who was mid sixties (so 12 years older than me), outside my age range I’d specified anyway and about 50 miles away.
Maybe it’s because all the men swipe younger ? Anyone more than around 5 years older than me just looks like my dad - but then again maybe I forget my age now and forget that I now look like my mum !

I mean right...not left!