Dating Thread 201: Get out from under your 3 month wonder and widen your areas

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@hairyarsedman makes sense about the going to WhatsApp to exchange pics!! Didn't even think of that, will give my number out sparingly then.

@Heartbeats0708 - I could certainly improve on my bio! I do hope your iron responds. If I was in the reverse situation I’d definitely msg to say ‘thanks for a lovely walk, and you are very nice but I don’t want to meet up again ‘ - just polite and means they are not left wondering.

@havecourage8bekind - I have a separate burner phone for tinder , my normal mobile is my work mobile and I didn’t want to put dating apps on there as visible to my IT dept presumably, so got a very cheap phone , and 1p mobile pay as you go for tinder and bumble . As I use WhatsApp it’s on wifi anyway. Not received any unwanted pics
Pics have been scenic or of food recipes !

These days I won't exchange numbers until after a first date.

I exchange when first date is set up, so I can text or delayed or anything.

Some apps allow pics but censor them if they are flesh coloured!

Dating a man with kids is ideal for me, seeing someone every two weeks feels perfect. Where it goes wrong though is where I feel every two weeks is great but he then has to go to football/go out with his mates/go fishing/run a marathon etc on those alternate weekends and thinks I will be happy to just turn up about ten pm for sex. Nope.

Most of my blocked numbers on WhatsApp are tinder guys who have randomly started pushing for sex before meeting - I think I can probably delete them all now as I expect they’ve got the message by now!

Maybe I’m desensitised but I’d rather be quite open in communication as if an iron gets slaggy on me on WhatsApp I can just block straight away, no harm done.

@VanGoghsDog

Yy to that set-up being annoying - it’s like sorry, coming over after you’ve done your own social stuff isn’t a “date” for me. It’s not like they’re “doing me a favour”

I’m not expecting Michelin starred restaurants, but some acknowledgement that I’m a human being who enjoys and benefits from normal social contact not just putting on a negligee and waiting in the bedroom

Yeah and there's the rub @VanGoghsDog. You want to honour commitments to yourself, your friends and your family. I don't want to be just rocking up to spend the night with someone I'm dating either. I can't see how something can grow from that scenario - eventually something has to give. In the past I've used a babysitter and tried to do midweek dates and tried to see friends Friday nights to leave the weekends free. If you bring in a bit of distance the logistics become even more difficult. I remember dating someone fairly long distance (>1hr drive) whose ex- was in a long distance relationship with someone who also had her kids every other weekend. It was like a well oiled machine with kids being picked up, dropped off left right and centre. However there was no flex at all there and pretty much just Saturday afternoon and evening every fortnight to meet up.

I think you can see family with your kids though but I do get that it's hard re mates.

And you don't want to commit too early and ditch your mates...but later on you can meet mates with your date. I think I'm a bit jaded from being treated like that by dates years ago.

This isn't really an issue for me any more though, because being 52 most men I meet have grown up kids now, or at least teens who can either be left or who just have their own social lives. And people seem less wary of you meeting them when they are more grown up as well.

Haha @SpringlikeBunk your posts are funny you're good at writing! ‘Putting on a negligee and waiting in the bedroom’ haha 😄

I get scared of giving my number out in case some weirdo then shares it further to who knows where - could really be damaging, I very rarely give my number out

I've never had any problem with someone having my number, if they play up I just block them.

I did have one guy I dumped hassle me a bit, so I blocked him and he messaged me from another number. But I didn't respond and blocked that too. Presume he gave up after that. It's very refreshing when they prove so expertly how right you were to dump them :)

MrWG has texted, after more than a week, responding to something I said. I feel slightly aggravated by this. I've responded and asked how he is, he's replied but I am now minded not to engage further, like he behaves (he's not asked me anything so not compulsion to reply). But I also don't want to play games, I'd love to see him but I am just not sure how he sees this thing!

@VanGoghsDog I'm exactly the same with gifts - much prefer giving than receiving for the same reasons as you. It became an issue with my last long term partner as she'd get it so wrong almost every time, I wondered if she actually knew me at all.

Hopefully everyone who had dates this weekend had a good time.

I had 2 - both fun and enjoyable, but I just didn't feel that attraction so won't be seeing them again. On Saturday we met just 5 minutes from where I live, and went for a walk - discovering areas I didn't even know existed just half a mile from my home! So on the plus side I'm exploring a lot more of my local neighbourhood.

It's kind of frustrating, as yet more "no sparks" makes me wonder if I'll ever meet anyone I really like, and where the feeling is mutual. But on the the plus side I've had two more dates which have been good fun, and I don't think I'm a million miles away from finding that magic ingredient. The search goes on!

@VanGoghsDog Mr WG is sounding like Mr HT, I've not heard from him since Wednesday.
I suspect I'll either hear from him over the next couple of days as a prelude to a hookup Tuesday or Wednesday or I'll not hear from him at all.

This time I'm determined to let it slide. I want to see him. But what's the point if it's an overnight once a fortnight.

Glad they went well at least @TheCatWithTheHat hopefully you're coming closer to what you're looking for.
Sorry to hear Mr HT is still hot and cold @cravingthelook
So we've both agreed we had a nice time and would like to see each other again. Now just the wait for plans to be made.. I'll believe it when I see it. I have a feeling this one is going to be bad for me but I'm going to name him anyway, Mr Polo.
I also have Mr Dog who is a good Fwb potential but something is niggling me about him. Going to arrange a social meet and see how it goes.
Then there's Mr Spain, an old iron who is back on the market. Strictly fwb with him but he's such a delight to be around.
My on/off ex is still chatting but I'm not sure what to do about this situation. I don't want to cut him off but equally I don't want things to get difficult.

@TheCatWithTheHat - when you’ve had a nice time but felt no spark do you say that at the end of the date to the person ? Or do you message after and say thanks but no thanks ? Or just not say anything at all and assume you’re both on the same page? I’m just wondering if there’s a tinder norm which I’m not aware of as yet .

I tend to think if I've had a nice or fun time it's worth a second date to double check. I think spark is elusive and unusual on a first meet. So as long as I didn't find them repulsive I'd see them again. If they wanted to.

But I'm a bit older and more jaded :)

I might go on a second date if I was unsure about their personality, I know I get nervous and can probably be a bit awkward so I wouldn't like to be ruled out on it as I'm not shy when I get to know someone.

If I didn't find them physically attractive though I wouldn't give it a second 'date'. I may do friends - the situation I find myself in with Mr Spreadsheet, but I've told him there's no romance there.

I've got no updates date wise, I'm tired of swiping just to not like anyone on there.

@GaraMedouar If I don't feel it, I'll message after the date and say it was lovely to meet, but I just didn't feel that elusive romantic spark I'm looking for. Well, when I say spark - this weekend I just didn't fancy either of them in the flesh, although we got on well and had a nice chat for the 2+ hours we were walking.

There have been a few times when I've been a little unsure and have said I'd like to see them again - but in those cases they've usually said they haven't felt the spark themselves.

Sometimes you just know it's mutual though, but these days I try to say something as I'm trying to treat people how I'd like to be treated.

Not sure if you remember me from the other day lol but Mr Facebook who went quiet after I gave my number out did message today. He never asked to meet up or anything flirty, just asked how my weekend is going and chatted about the hobby.

I'm not sure if he's interested or not

Thanks @TheCatWithTheHat - that’s what I would do . Which is why I still feel in limbo with my iron. He hasn’t actually said no, and I think he’s big enough , and old enough to say no if that’s how he feels - the last message was ‘sorry I’ve been very busy this week at work X’ with a ‘x’ on the messages still too so I’m just at a loss.
I’ve been told before not to overthink - and to take men at face value In what they say - but I’d rather just be put out of my misery.
Frustrating.
I’d appreciate honesty.
But also , maybe as I’m older I’m not expecting instant attraction /fancying - and I’d be happy to see someone again to see if anything develops.

Some people seem to automatically put a x at the end of messages, it doesn't necessarily mean anything. I almost never do except to my mother, because she has somehow got it into her head that everyone does it and even messages to apologise if she forgets, so I feel like a bitch if I don't put them on hers - but even then it's probably less than a third of the time.

@SnowyWinterDays

Have you actually brought up meeting? Can you
get the conversation going in that direction?

Hi everyone,

Hope you're all well

I told Mr GC about my CP yesterday. We were taking and he asked how I was. I had a bad back so I told him that.

I said casually that I have CP so it's part of that. I said that I hoped that I didn't put him off, but I don't tell people straight away because I like people to get to know me as a person first.

He haven't replied yet, although he has seen my messages (it's not unusual for him to pace messages and not reply straightaway)

I'll leave it until tomorrow and then drop him a line I think 🤔

I hope it* didn't put him off

I feel a bit disheartened of late about the online dating thing, to be honest. Like I'll never find anyone who'll love me and accept me for who I am? You all have probably felt like that at some point.

The only person I have really loved and wanted a future with was my ex, who rejected me after talking about marrying me one day and having a family, and then wanted to be friends.

I just want to have a partner and hopefully a family one day ❤️

Hey @OnwardsEverStridingOnwards, hope you've had a reply by now.. have you guys actually met up yet? Hope he gets back to you.
I think a few of us feel that way on this thread so you're not alone feeling like that, OLD is pretty brutal x

Hi onwards hope you are okay and well done for telling him.

I don't normally look at dating coaches but an advert came up so I had a look...has anyone seen Elliot Scott? He's young and American but kind of gives a no nonsense approach which I like.

The basic message is " if a guy likes you - he won't put himself in a position to lose you". He talks a lot about inconsistency in behaviour and how mainly as women we overthink and come up with our own narrative. It's a lot less fluffy than any other videos I've seen and does make sense, I could relate a lot.