Dating Thread 201: Get out from under your 3 month wonder and widen your areas

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Heartbeats0708 Glad your date went well, is there anything stopping you messaging him first?
Some men like the lady to message first in case they read the signs wrong.

@VanGoghsDog On Whatsapp your status is what you put under your name, I think most people have the default one.

The other one is stories and some people update that regularly like you would on Facebook, it will tell you if someone has a story and if you watch it the other person knows.

@LivingMyBestLife2020 A walk on Monday sounds quick but good. Better to know early on whether you fancy each other and get on rather than waste weeks chatting.
As long as you follow all the safety things and tell someone where you're going.

Hey @@Eesha. Yeah im still off them, I have this idea of what I like in my head which honestly isnt anything drastically unusual and kind of fits the profiles of my exs/my type of guy... and they are nowhere to be found on any of the apps. Ive been on and off them all for the last year and just cba anymore as its a depressing waste of my time. Expect ill get bored in a week time pop on for a day swipe through to the end then delete it again. Thats what usually happens

@SpringlikeBunk.. just out of curiosity does he make the effort to initiate convos equally to you? Are you going to meet up for your walk? Ive not heard from mr work since i said about going for a walk this friday, just going to leave it and see what happens. If he pops up and says hed like to meet then great, if not... he leaves our company in a few months so probably wont keep in touch!

Hello All
Totally no news here, like a lot of you I’m off the apps and “working on myself” and “hoping to meet someone naturally” - helpful advice from coupled up friends 😂
Although lonely and a bit bored I’m actually feeling very ok not swiping at the moment.
I’m not sure it will last, then I read what you lot are dealing with these men and I think for now, peace is great 🤣

@Shayelle2009

I don’t really have a complete picture tbh.

We met on bumble and I suggested the walk/meet which he agreed to easily.

He asked to move the time due to having a fitness class, but when we met I felt I had his full attention - he insisted on getting me street food lunch etc.

I suggested we meet for tennis

he left to go to his class and he booked the tennis court and sent me the booking message and an idea of where he wanted to get lunch by the time I was home

We had to cancel tennis as he’d worked a night shift

and although he suggested meeting in the afternoon I thought it was too much kerfuffle and I was already out for a walk and chilling solo

I suggested rearranging tennis/coffee some time and he agreed - gave me a detailed list of his free days

but then yesterday when I contacted him to firm up plans he said he’s now doing nights again next week he’s a locum so I think that’s why it’s so volatile

(Equally I’m sure he is and has been open to meeting others etc so maybe that’s a factor too if he’s met someone he’s more drawn to)

I don’t think he’s crazy about me but I’m also genuinely open to just new friends and activity buddies?

And it’s hard to find people I have stuff in common with with good social skills so I’m not detaching just yet.

I get you completey @SpringlikeBunk when you finally meet someone decent who you enjoy their presence you kind of hope to keep them around, for whatever kind of relationship. I have one from last year that I wish we’d stayed in touch.
I love the idea of tennis as a date, im going to borrow that! (If and when anyone appears in my world!!) 😊

He does sound to have promise still @SpringlikeBunk as working night shifts must really mess with your sleep/social life plans. So frustrating to not know how many people someone is seeing/chatting to though. He sounds like he was keen enough to book tennis courts though and suggest a new time, which is all positive.

Piglets sound fun @SortingItOut and good that MrK is hands on to help too. How many do you have? We have hens and spent yesterday morning building a new dust bath for them.

@Techgirldating I think in another month or so the apps may look less depressing, so enjoy the peace while it lasts 😃

I hope the work guy gets in touch @Shayelle2009 - his loss if not.

Eesha I remember that Friends episode - "playing the field" becomes more like "working in the field" - and that's it exactly, except of course I have neither a fireman nor a kindergarten teacher vying for my attention 🤣
I swipe right occasionally, get the odd match, rarely end up chatting, even more rarely meet... I realised recently though that all the 4 irons I've met for actual dates since I went back on the apps have been keen to see me again. So I suppose that's something...

I'm loving the farming life on here - piglets, hens, several of you have dogs and cats. I'd love to meet an iron with animals and have been tempted to swipe right purely because of a gorgeous dog...🐕

@noodles44 Definitely important that Mr K is hands on as I have loads of animals including dogs, imagine a man who didnt like a bit of dirt😱
Plus of course I'm often dressed in jeans and wellies, I'm definitely not a girly girl.

I've got 3 piglets, they're 3 months old and their personalities are starting to come through.

I bet your chickens are loving the dust bath!!

@WeWantTheFinestWines Definitely swipe right if a man has a dog🤣

That is amazing @SortingItOut how gorgeous!! 3 little pigs 🥰🥰

I cracked and messaged @SortingItOut I'm not averse to sending the first/follow up message but like many of you on here have experienced, we seem to have wildly different levels of comms and I'm finding myself sitting on my hands and overthinking.
I can't tell if I'm drawn to him because I really like what I know so far, or if it's more because he's a bit slack on comms which comes across as playing it pretty cool. He's open about his interest in me, I think I'm too used to the love bomby types and this is throwing me!

On Whatsapp your status is what you put under your name, I think most people have the default one.

I have a bespoke one, but I set it at that about three years ago.

My WhatsApp doesn't have a "stories" section anywhere. Odd.

Re gifts - I like giving them but not receiving them. However, I am a very considerate gift giver and I do get disappointed with generic or ill considered gifts. But that's why I don't like getting gifts - they're just always disappointing.

@Heartbeats0708 - the overthinking is the worst isn’t it? I am analysing everything. I know deep down I shouldn’t message my iron again as he’s obviously not that keen, but we got on so well (by phone conversation wise ) that he’d be someone I’d love as a friend, if nothing more.
He last replied to a msg I sent Thursday. And then he sent a second one saying ‘been really super busy at work this week x’ as an apology/excuse I suppose for not msging .
I replied, but those haven’t even got blue ticks .
So I’m going to sit on my hands now, not reply.

It also doesn’t help that I have absolutely no other matches to be going on with. I actually think I need to a) amend my profile on tinder and b) actually put one on Bumble as I have none at all there .
My iron did say my profile on tinder was really dry and dull (which it is ) but he swiped anyway. It’s two lines , very factual ie single mother , height and my hobby. I know some people won’t swipe on those without a profile at all. But I never know what to put and certainly not something witty!

I’ve also decided to come off the apps for the month of April - have 30 days free , and try and work on me - healthy diet, walk each day etc then log back on May.

Feels crap when the ones you like go cool or cold doesnt it ... i hate that feeling! Even though you think sod them.. it hurts the ego!!!

@Myfabby and @SortingItOut , thank you for the lovely comments. I am trying to be more in the moment and mindful of enjoying my time with Mr V instead of silently panicking that it's all going to come to an abrupt end. I guess like anyone who has found someone they have developed feelings for, you don't really want to contemplate it ending. He is the first guy since my DH that I have felt this for. My last RS was peppered with so many issues and upheavals that we bumbled along for 3 years but his attitude to certain things always held me back from truly falling for him.
Your rural idyll sounds gorgeous sorting.

@gara My profile is very similar to yours. It's literally - "Summed up in three words - sarcastic, short & caring Mum of two, putting it out there now to save you swiping then ghosting when you find out ;)" I've not even talked about hobbies or interests and haven't been short of likes/matches. However, I do know some guys only swipe for a really decent bio...Im just not witty enough lol!

@havecourage8bekind - must be my pics then! I did put single mum on so they know straight up - I’m early fifties and just feel disheartened.

I changed my ‘viewing thing’ for 5 min to looking for women on Bumble just so I could swipe a few females and read their profiles ! Ha (but then changed back to looking for men again)

@gara I bet it's nothing to do with your pictures! I'm no looker It's all about who you're swiping for aswell isn't it. Ive had a couple of messages saying they like that I put about being a mum on my profile, straight to the point! Hahaha that is a brilliant idea about scoping out the women, I love that! X

I'm not a mum, maybe people think I am but am hiding the fact?

Surely people don't try and hide that on OLD though!?

I've no idea if people try to hide it. But if men are telling women that they like it that they are up front about having kids, and my profile doesn't mention kids, maybe people reading my profile think I have got kids but just not mentioned it?

People often seem surprised when I say I don't have any. Having kids is the norm anyway. Despite me ticking the "no kids" box, I do still get asked in messages whether I have any.

I think there's an option (on Bumble at least) to say Have Kids and Don't Want More (or whatever) so you may as well use that and say more about your life outside of that on your profile.

Nothing like that on Tinder. Always best to mention that you have kids - it changes your dating situation majorly. If I happen to swipe, match and chat with someone without kids, it's the first thing I bring up. Spontaneity is rare when you've kids of school age. Annual leave is swallowed up by school holidays etc.

I feel like someone would be short-changed by me as a parent, with relative freedom only happening every other week. So I try to talk about dating expectations with that in mind. I feel it's a bit of a dampener but I'd rather do it as soon as possible, as those without kids don't always realise what it's like and how few gaps there are in a day that goes something like: chivvying out of bed into a shower, breakfast, packed lunches, school run, dash to work, lunch exercise, dash home, school run, make tea, bit of housework, help with homework or afterschool club, bedtime routine, rinse repeat.

@havecourage8bekind The phone numbers thing is to get you on to WhatsApp sooner rather than later. This may be because Tinder doesn't allow sending pictures. These days I won't exchange numbers until after a first date.

Chatting to a left leaning smart nerd. Possibly hot. But short. 5'9 to my 5'7-ish. It annoys me how much that matters to me. He might be too shy anyway, and 50 miles away. Not naming him yet...

Yes @GaraMedouar it is awful. I lost myself this morning and got caught up in overthinking and over messaging and regret it now! Thrown myself into talking to others and it's helped. This thread is brilliant for bio advice if you want some help with it?
Telling myself if he is interested, he will message. I've made it clear I'm open to meeting again so the ball is in his court. Argh!