Dating Thread 201: Get out from under your 3 month wonder and widen your areas

[cravingthelook]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

[quote havecourage8bekind]@vangoghsdog their profile picture disappears too and you can no longer see their last active x[/quote]
I can't see anyone's 'last active' anyway because I have mine turned off.
Didn't know that about the profile pic. Obviously noone has ever blocked me. I can still the profile pics of people I have blocked though.

I've now looked in settings and have turned off read receipts, I assume that is the blue ticks. Will see how I fare with that, it might drive me mad though!

I saw Mr K the other night and spoke to him about things. I didn't tell him I was bored but told him I had a little niggle about us and was worried.
The upshot is that he is very happy with his life right now (9 out of 10) and couldnt wish for anything better.
He told me I shouldn't ever feel like he is not happy with us but I reminded him that he is partly to blame as he is such a closed book I don't know whether he even likes me, apparently us seeing each other a few times a week, messaging regularly and the fact we've been together 18 months should have made that clear.

We also talked a bit about his ex and how he can't be open with his feelings since she cheated on him and how I'm not open with my feelings either due to my ex husband.

So its like I said earlier in the week, we are 2 adults in a relationship who dont discuss feelings🤦‍♀️

As cat pointed out, there are very few people without baggage at our age so what options are there?

I'm not sure how I feel about it, I feel happier about us now and I don't want him to say he loves me because I wont believe it (ex husband said he loved me all the time but still had emotional affairs for years) but I feel I definitely need some hint day to day that he likes me.

Its difficult because I don't really discuss how I'm feeling either so can't expect him to be different to me.

I'm going to go with the flow for now and see what happens. One of my top love languages is words of affirmation so I clearly need some spoken words from him.

God this is all so complicated, oh to be young again with no dating/relationship worries.

Sorry that was so long.

Good luck to those on dates this weekend🤞

@havecourage8bekind I'd be wary of a meet that quick if I wasn't looking for a hook up, unless there's been quite a bit of back and forth. Personally.
@SortingItOut glad you had a chat with Mr K. It sounds like you managed to get a fair bit off your chest. Have you done the love languages test recently/asked him to do it so you can open up a discussion about needs? It has been quite useful for me in the past as provides a starting point for conversation about what you can both do to improve things. It's lovely that he's happy but also needs to factor in that you have a niggle that needs addressing.
Got date nerves!

Honestly when I'm online dating I feel like I'm lowering my standards a bit

@Heartbeats0708 I did the love language test about 6 months ago and asked him to do it too and then we laughed about how similar we were. I had three love languages at the top, 1 was 29% and 2 were 26% and Mr K's top three love languages were the same as mine although not so close in %.

I think I'll see how it goes and then maybe bring it up again, maybe he might open up a tiny bit now I've mentioned it.....
He's honestly great in every other way (except the sulking over the van which actually as vangogh said wasn't sulking as such but getting your head around a huge issue and needing time to think)

Good luck with your date, treat it as friends meeting up and enjoy getting out of the house on a lovely spring day☀️

Good luck to everyone having date walks this weekend. At least the sun is shining. Glad you sound happier too @TheCatWithTheHat. I think the nicer weather and the feeling that there is a chink of light on the horizon wrt relaxing of rules makes everything feel slightly brighter.
Is it me or has March been half the length of February?!

Well done on the chat with MrK @SortingItOut. I definitely judge more on people’s actions than words (my ex husband was very love bomby and promised the earth) but there needs to be enough communication that you are both happy with to not feel neglected. I do think at the moment with the lack of distractions it is more noticeable too.

Mr G sent me a small message last night in response to some info from me earlier in the day. I feel like he has compartmentalised me as someone he plans to see when he can, but am a bit out of sight out of mind. We did exchange birthday and valentines gifts during this lockdown and he has spoken of it not being too long now before we can meet, so am attempting to distract myself this weekend (again) as he has his children so I know he will be on the go with them most of the time.

Also I think he may be waiting until he has been able to go to a hairdresser as I know he is feeling really self conscious there too as really doesn’t like how it has grown. He has thick hair which is usually in a pretty cool style, not that it would worry me to see him with it all growing upwards/outwards, but easy for me to say when my hair is fairly long and doesn’t look vastly different. Did I say I have been over thinking our scenario lately?! 🤷‍♀️

@WeWantTheFinestWines learning to make chocolate sounds like a divine new hobby!

To be fair a lot of my friends in long term r’s are bored and there’s no passion. Some of them always want to know about what im up to with the apps etc they think it must be wonderful being single! Which a lot of the time it is but sometimes you just want someone to add something to your life, they dont have a clue the apps are awful.
Some of my mates too have gone behind their partners back/cheated which to me would say not all was well. Personally I couldnt live with the bad feeling of knowing what id done!

@BLTLover i feel the same i think its perhaps because what you're presented with is a lot of horrendous human beings that have no respect for women or anyone in general and they're not people you’d look twice at in the street/in a bar in fact a lot of the time id cross the road to avoid/ call security 😁 yet there they are able to message you/ say sleazy things and its just get so disheartening as you know youre way better than that. So in a way it is lowering your standards, you just a bloody tough skin and tenacity to find the decent ones on there... its rough 😞

Good luck 🍀 to anyone having dates this weekend let us know how it goes!

#living vicariously 💗

Beautiful day here in the Midlands. Good luck to everyone on weekend dates. I will be looking out for lots of positive updates hopefully.
There must be something in the air because I too had a bit of a heart to heart with Mr V in the week. He's also one for not saying out loud his feelings for me and it makes me feel somewhat emotionally vulnerable because I know I have really grown to care about him. Even after knowing him 16 months I still haven't met anyone from his life, mostly understandably for the last 12 of those months ! I think I feel a bit apprehensive about what our RS will look like once we are out of lockdown. He tells me that we should see it as a positive that we've stayed together through the restrictions and now we can start to have fun. My preferred status in a RS is have the slightly upper hand, knowing that they are into me a tiny bit more than I am into them. Probably a sign of self esteem issues. I hope this comes across in the right way but Mr V is a good looking guy, attractive I would say and I worry at times that we will get back out in the real world and he'll have his head turned by someone else. But again maybe that - my fears- are a result of him not being verbal about his feelings. This coupled with a few bedroom issues we have had and at times - usually when I haven't seen him for a few days - I can start to feel vulnerable. And that's not a comfortable place for me as the last few years have been so emotionally draining. I guess time will tell.

Good luck to those on dates.

I want a date - there's no one I can see on the apps I want to date though! Another solo walk for me today 😕

Agree about not lowering standards...sometimes I question if I'm too fussy but I don't want to make do with someone. This whole OLD is hard work and I want to get it right and be with someone I'm excited about and want to stay with long term.

@Onesmallstep67 I actually said to Mr K during our talk that how did I know he wasn't just with me because he hasn't had a chance to meet anyone else due to lockdown 😱
He told me not to be so stupid and he wasn't looking for anyone else as he has me.

Its so hard in relationships and feeling vulnerable is not a nice feeling.
Can you do anything about your self esteem issues? Counselling maybe?
Remember that you are amazing.

Most of the time I think I'm amazing and a great person to be with but very occasionally I get a niggle.
Currently I'm feeling better after our chat, my hormones are more level and I'm back to thinking 'what will be, will be' and if it ends I've had a great time.

How are you doing with hobbies and getting back to your volunteering now that lockdown is easing slightly?

My ex told me he loved me after about three weeks. I thought it was ridiculous. He also gave me a card saying it.
He was emotionally incontinent if you ask me. He was always saying "love you lots" to his adult kids, and "lots of love" at the end of phonecalls to his sister or female friends.
So, it seemed meaningless.

My love language is gift giving. His was acts of service. I find people doing things for and to me annoying and patronising. He gave me a drain cover for Christmas.

It was never going to work, was it? :)

I have a strong suspicion, from a couple of small things I've seen on Facebook, that he might be back with his ex, who he constantly claimed he was over but I always had doubts about.

He complained that I never told him I loved him (I did sometimes, just not constantly), he complained that I wasn't grateful enough for all the things he did for me (that I didn't want done). It was tedious.

Anyway, I now have three matches to try to engage in chat, and an eight mile walk with a friend this afternoon.

@SortingItOut, thank you for the boost. I probably could do with some counselling - or maybe I just need a few good nights out with friends. This year has been tough for many people and I actually have nothing to really complain about. I have come through it with the company of my DDs and Mr V. We haven't been impacted by Covid as a family, I know we are very lucky in that respect.
I have seen a part time job at a school that I could do easily so I am going to apply for that. I haven't worked for nearly 5 years whilst dealing with the loss of DH and DPs but feel the time is right now for me to get back out there. Even if I don't get the job it's a good mental shove to be more proactive in finding work or a volunteering opportunity. And life opening back up more is something we definitely all need.
In terms of self esteem I usually feel okay about myself and for someone who is not conventionally pretty or slim I have always attracted quite a bit of attention on the apps. Being overweight though does bring it's own mental burden, but that's a whole other thread.
Mr V has just called and he's coming over this evening which will be lovely. Can't wait until everyone's updates on the thread are about the fab days and nights out and about they are having.

He gave me a drain cover for Christmas

This made me laugh out loud.

@VanGoghsDog, we are all looking for or appreciate different things aren't we ? the situation I have often found myself in is liking aspects or traits in one iron and different ones in another and wishing I could somehow miraculously morph them into one SuperIron where everything was great.

He was emotionally incontinent if you ask me. He was always saying "love you lots" to his adult kids, and "lots of love" at the end of phonecalls to his sister or female friends. So, it seemed meaningless.

It’s meaningless and emotionally incontinent to tell your children, family members and friends that you love them?

It’s meaningless and emotionally incontinent to tell your children, family members and friends that you love them?

15 times a day? Yes.
I have never told a friend or family member that I love them.

It made me feel that him telling me he loved me was meaningless anyway, since he practically said it to the postman!

superiron 😁 I like it!

@VanGoghsDog I know exactly what you mean.I had an ex who said it constantly,at least 10 times a day.Meant absolutely nothing .Also used to throw the " love you loads " to everybody.

I'm new to this, and was wondering if I'm allowed to ask - why are dates called 'irons'? Thank you!

bimboo irons in the fire, i.e. the dizzying number of dates and potential dates we are juggling 🤣

@bimboo also advisable to have more than one iron to limit over investment!

Nearly 24 hours into my first stint on tinder and WOW I can see why people get quite addicted by this. Also very shocked at how much stuff you can pay for..I bet people spend a fortune on it.