Help me stay in my marriage.

[Littlesthobo84]

Just that really.
Late 30s, husband late 40s, it’s ok and plods along. We don’t row. He says he is perfectly happy. We don’t have sex. He won’t use condoms or get a vasectomy - he wants to risk timing. I won’t risk timing because I’ve had two high risk really difficult pregnancies already and although given my age it’s probably not likely my cycles are still regular and normal so it’s possible.
He says either I take the pill or we risk timing and I’ve taken the pill before and don’t want to be on it forevermore. I have migraines with aura and cannot take oestrogen based hormone medication. I took the mini pill for a long time before the children.
I don’t think I even want to have sex with him anyway and presumably it’s mutual because he’s not fussed about the vasectomy that he’s been mentioning for the past six years but not done anything about. We are nearly six years since we last had sex now. God, that’s even worse when written down.
I’m depressed about it, I feel checked out, but I don’t hate him. I care about him. I love my children. They are happy. My life is very separate to DH and always has been but my children are happy.
I just need to wait it out another 12/13 years until dd is 18. Remind me how the grass isn’t greener.

OP I just wanted to say I get it.
There’s a lot to be said for stability. I don’t have any answers, just many of the same questions x

OP I am older than many of the posters on here with DCs all adults with their own partners.
Your DCs are living in a home where the adults are not affectionate with each other, your DCs will pick up on this and believe me it will seriously muck up their attitude and view of adult relatioships in the future.
(You are not doing ANYONE any favours here, you, your DC's and your H!)
Your Dc's will think that only children are deserving of affection within the home, that belief will give them a skewed view in the future.

My parents adored and were utterly devoted to one another but there was no affection between them, I remember hand holding much later in their 70s.. So it's hard to think it is such a deal..

Thank you for all the replies. It is food for thought.
My parents were never openly very affectionate - nor to me tbh - but I knew they loved each other and me anyway. They did laugh a lot though and they’ve always had each other’s back. I was always aware they were a team.
I asked ds who he thought was in charge in this house (we were talking about the latest kind of backlash against men after the awful murder of Sarah everard and it kind of went on from there) and he said dad.

Hi OP

I think you've become numb to how awful he is.

He doesnt do his share of childcare
He shouts t he children
He is not emotionally involved with them
He sees looking after his own children in the holidays as 'babysitting' and would rather them go in holiday club than spend any actual time with them doing anything nice
He doesnt do his share of the housework
He pressurised you for sex when you made it clear you didnt want to
It doesn't sound like you have anything in common, any fun times together, any affection or much respect.

This isn't really a marriage. Yes some other marriages are this shit. There is a thread on aibu about if people are more or less happy now they are divorced and people are overwhelmingly happier. Lots and lots of marriages are much better than this. It sounds like you've got really low expectations and think everyone settles. They dont. My husband works one day more than me. Everything in the house is shared. Everything with the kids is shared. They have as good a relationship with him as me. We do things together. We still have things to talk about. We still have sex. We argue sometimes but no shouting, no name calling, no abuse. We both compromise on things.

Honestly I think you are under playing the effect your relationship will have on your kids. They will think children not spending any time with their dad is normal. They will think no affection between a couple is normal. They will find partners and have relationships like the one you have with your husband.

It doesnt sound like they are that close to him so I think they would be fine if you split.

I don't think children need to see only physical affection between their parents to know it is there.
I think they hear it in how the speak to each other, tone, manner etc.
Laughter.
In the little things they do for each other.
Checking on each other if they are ok, need anything etc.
Physical affection is lovely and one of many ways to show respect and affection.

I agree with the above posters that a miserable marriage as the OP outlines doesn't do the children any favours.
Child see everything.
Even stuff they are too young to understand, they see, and will piece together later.

@Littlesthobo84

My children - 100% of the time. Some nice times - on holidays mainly, possibly when DH is less stressed. The dc enjoy them. I know my dc are safe and happy.

So, is what you're saying that you're worried about shared care if you split?

You don't trust your dh with the children?

The grass is so much greener.

I’m not sure category I’m probably being ridiculous. I don’t think he’d hurt them physically but I think emotionally they’d be a bit left at sea. They are so utterly mine, I know that sounds possessive, but when you’ve been the parent that’s been doing 99% of the care it’s hard to feel like your primary aged children will be fine with a massive reduction in time with me. I’m much more level, I very very very occasionally will raise my voice if really really pushed but it’s incredibly rare. If they are upset about something and having a meltdown I just wait until they’ve calmed down and hug them a lot. DH shouts. And then it ramps up. And then he shouts some more. And then it ramps up. It escalates fast. He’s not so bad with just one of them but two of them together he struggles with unless they are in front of a screen. My dd in particular - being the younger one - is bonded very hard to me.

OP I think you’re determined to stay with him, no matter what anyone here says.
I understand your fear, but think of a friend of mine who waited 15 years to leave her husband because of the children and deeply regrets the waste of her younger years ( wanted to go at 35, went at 50).
If you don’t want more children, have a tubal ligation. Then if there’s no sex ( and I don’t think after 6 years it’s going to resume anyway) he can’t keep making excuses. That is if you’re happy to have surgery and stay with such a selfish coward who’s scared of a vasectomy.

I will stay because I can’t stand the idea of hurting everyone else, I know that makes me sound like a martyr but that’s not how I feel about it. I feel like I’d be so guilt ridden at causing hurt to everyone else I’d crumble anyway. I hear the thing about losing myself bit by bit, I do feel very checked out and disinterested in most things, but I know it hasn’t always been this bad. I’m trying really hard to check back in.

@Littlesthobo84

I will stay because I can’t stand the idea of hurting everyone else, I know that makes me sound like a martyr but that’s not how I feel about it. I feel like I’d be so guilt ridden at causing hurt to everyone else I’d crumble anyway. I hear the thing about losing myself bit by bit, I do feel very checked out and disinterested in most things, but I know it hasn’t always been this bad. I’m trying really hard to check back in.

If you stay you are hurting yourself and your kids. My mum did the same and I have a poor relationship with her because of that now.

It's a big step to leave but doesn't mean its the wrong step.

@Littlesthobo84

I will stay because I can’t stand the idea of hurting everyone else, I know that makes me sound like a martyr but that’s not how I feel about it. I feel like I’d be so guilt ridden at causing hurt to everyone else I’d crumble anyway. I hear the thing about losing myself bit by bit, I do feel very checked out and disinterested in most things, but I know it hasn’t always been this bad. I’m trying really hard to check back in.

Even if staying hurts your kids in the long term?

Many people have shared their experience of being in your children's place in this scenario.

Do you think it's a coincidence so many people in your children's situation say they wish their parents hadn't stayed together 'for the kids'?

I suppose that weighing it up I feel it would hurt them more to leave because it would be SO unpleasant and SO difficult - I cannot see us co parenting on any basis. It would just be awful. One of dh’s friends split from their wives recently and he said he’d have made it as difficult as possible for her if it were him. She has stayed in the family home with their dc and DH said there’s no way he’d have that. I said it was better for their dc and he said - who cares, she wouldn’t be getting any help from me, I’d be making it as difficult as I could.

Ok, if that's what you want. You have to make decisions for your children and just hope that it's the right decision. Only time will tell. Good luck.

A friend was in your situation and did leave the marriage. Her previously emotionally stunted and difficult Ex was forced (by the custody arrangements) to step up hard. He did. He’s a better father now.
Not saying it was all easy but it was like he woke up from a coma from the shock of divorce and connected with his children hugely.

Op, splitting up would be disruptive and painful, but it would be temporary.

The children would adapt and be happy again. Maybe even happier. My kids have benefited from me growing in confidence and not being weighed down by my ex. I was always a good involved mum, but I'm better without being dragged down in mood and energy by personal unhappiness.

Your ex might be better as a non-resident parent, might put effort into the children instead of treating them like a nuisance, even if only to spite you.

I'd argue what you're giving your children currently is not a happy life, but is superficial and material. You're modelling a cold inauthentic marriage, and that is moulding their expectations for the future. They'll be just like you, sticking at rubbish relationships because they don't know anything else, and so it goes on.

And I don't believe your dh is actually happy either - it's just easy and known.

@Littlesthobo84 yes you do sound like a martyr. And you will not do yourself or your kids any good by living like this. I think most mums who have left their partners would say much of what your saying - very bonded with my children, don't want to lose them 50% of the time, their dad gets so frustrated with them etc.

Your marriage sounds exactly like mine was. I was extremely close with my kids as their dad was always just a bit angry. when his key turned in the front door it was as if there was a dark cloud that fell on the house. I knew my kids deserved better, they deserved a happy mum and living in a home with no tension.

I wrote a bit of my story earlier on your thread. I left t when the kids were 5&6. Their dad stepped up. Was a better part time dad than he had been. Made more effort, saw the kids, actively took part in their every day lives. The boys were very happy spending time with either of us - we learnt to co-parent very well and over the years became friends again.

Your kids will see that their dad is not that interested in them or as a family and that you overcompensate in a forced way. The balance will always be off kilter and that is not right. Your kids may end up resenting you for allowing their dad to get away with it.

There is no need in this day and age to put up with this, to lose yourself to this. Divorce is no longer the stigma it was. Your kids are more resilient than you think and will bounce back from short term upset over a split to longer term happiness in a stress free home with a happy mum.

Your Dh’s comments are bluster.
Also... you would be entitled to sit his assets. No need to martyr yourself either emotionally or financially.

Sit = half

Yes, people fear change, even change for the better. I think its a good life experience to feel that fear, do it anyway and come out the other side feeling resilient, a bit more in control of your own life, free, content ... optimistic!

If you stay I hope you will take a different role, tell your husband you cannot continue as is and insist on some counselling so that he can commit to being a better husband and father. I would lay it on the line for him. Best of luck OP.

So your H has come out and told the truth not only does he act like he doesn't care about the DC he's admitted it - their needs are immaterial to him.

You think them living full time in a home with a father that cares so little them is good for them! You seem to think they don't sense it and aren't hurt by that.

They will by default choose partners like that, that don't love and value you themselves.

You can leave with the DC and all be much happier but you don't seem to think that you and the DC deserve that.

Good luck, OP, I wish you and your children well. I'm sorry that you are all living with an angry and impatient man, and I hope it doesn't leave your children with the low expectations of happiness and love that you have. You are frightened of how much he can hurt you and your kids, that seems clear, and it's understandable given his threatening comments and selfishness.

Best of luck to you

One more question, are you sure he's not having sex elsewhere? I'm absolutely not someone who believes men can't live without it, but he sounds selfish enough to get his own needs met regardless of anyone else.