Help me stay in my marriage.

[Littlesthobo84]

Just that really.
Late 30s, husband late 40s, it’s ok and plods along. We don’t row. He says he is perfectly happy. We don’t have sex. He won’t use condoms or get a vasectomy - he wants to risk timing. I won’t risk timing because I’ve had two high risk really difficult pregnancies already and although given my age it’s probably not likely my cycles are still regular and normal so it’s possible.
He says either I take the pill or we risk timing and I’ve taken the pill before and don’t want to be on it forevermore. I have migraines with aura and cannot take oestrogen based hormone medication. I took the mini pill for a long time before the children.
I don’t think I even want to have sex with him anyway and presumably it’s mutual because he’s not fussed about the vasectomy that he’s been mentioning for the past six years but not done anything about. We are nearly six years since we last had sex now. God, that’s even worse when written down.
I’m depressed about it, I feel checked out, but I don’t hate him. I care about him. I love my children. They are happy. My life is very separate to DH and always has been but my children are happy.
I just need to wait it out another 12/13 years until dd is 18. Remind me how the grass isn’t greener.

@Littlesthobo84

It’s not a wind up. I don’t consider myself abused - I just think I am weak and indecisive. For whatever reason that may be.

I don't think you're weak because you are arguing with posters on this thread. Which is fine, you are holding your own. But it shows that you can so I don't know how you can say you're weak. Selfish yes, scared yes, but not weak.

It’s not the same as people in real life, I can argue anonymously.
If he came home today and said he wanted a divorce id feel relieved and sad.

Going back to the people-pleasing issue which came up further down the thread: it may help to realise that it is quite an irresponsible way to live your life. It is based on a need to be liked and approved of. In its way it involves taking from those around you and it places the responsibility for looking after your needs on them rather than on you. In addition, it often leads to letting down those closest to you because you're busy trying to accommodate someone else and you're trying to do that because - deep down - you like being liked and well thought of. There's no harm in that but there is certainly a balance to be struck. That's not to say you have to do a complete 180 and start refusing to accommodate other people at all. But remember, responsible adults look after their own interests and boundaries - they don't expect other people to do that for them - and that is a very helpful thing to model for your children, particularly daughters.

Once I understood that in its way people-pleasing is quite selfish and often led to me letting down those closest to me, I found it easier to give up people-pleasing.

Do you think looking at it that way might help, OP?

@Littlesthobo84

It’s not the same as people in real life, I can argue anonymously. If he came home today and said he wanted a divorce id feel relieved and sad.

How? What is different? Are you saying that if one of us was actually standing in front of you saying these things you would agree with us and do whatever was suggested? I'm not buying it. I think this set up suits you for now and you feel guilty because you know how bad it is for your children.

You are looking for validation to stay with him - just look at the title of this thread. You want us to say it's ok, the children don't matter, you can stay there as long as you want and be as miserable as you like. But we won't say that because the children do matter.

I completely understand your reservations about leaving, and you feeling you are partly responsible for your situation.

I understand because a few years ago, I was basically you...right down to the mother who undermined my decisions as a teenager. My XH was more proactive with our child and not so intractable on the sex front, but the temper tantrums, always having to have his own way, subtle put down etc...

There will come a point when staying will not protect your kids. It sounds as though your son has already realised something is not right and at some point your daughter will too.

My daughter was 11 when his behaviour started to affect her and she began talking about what it would be like to live somewhere else with just me.

You say you want to wait 12/13 years...with the best will in the world you may not have that.

What gave me the kick up the backside I needed was an old schoolfriend dying suddenly at 39, just a couple of weeks before my own 40th.

I had all the feelings of guilt and fear you describe, and it wasn't easy, but I haven't regretted it. I am still single but just beginning to date online 4.5 years later, and my daughter is about to finish high school with the equivalent of straight As and ambitions to become a barrister.

Leaving doesn't have to be a disaster for any of you...staying probably will be.

@Littlesthobo84

O.K.

So you’ve thrown the turd on the table.

It’s not a wind up......

What do you want !? Is it a cry for help !? Are you seeking strength and validation to stay or go !?

You say 3/4 of your family unit is happy. Do you want recognition of your martyrdom.

If your fullest intention is to ‘ stick it out ‘ for years.....

And you constantly circle around everyone’s advice ( And reject it ), as much as I want to believe you, as much as I wish for you to resolve your situation successfully and reach a happy place.......

You are the author of your own misery.

@Littlesthobo84

It’s not the same as people in real life, I can argue anonymously. If he came home today and said he wanted a divorce id feel relieved and sad.

You want him to make the decision don't you?

If you do it, you'll have the anger/upset of your husband and your mum.

You need to put you and the children first for once and break the cycle.

Honestly you were emotionally controlled/abused and still are by your Mum and now by your DH as well.

You are too frightened of upsetting or disappointing them to do what is right for you.

Therapy will help you unpack this and help you make the best decision for your marriage. If you don't the rest of your life will be unhappy because you will never do what is right for you and stay stuck in child mode trying to keep your Mum and H happy at any cost to you and eventually your DC because they are being taught to not express their unhappiness or wants either.

I think your main concern is being on your own, it's not about not hurting the DC.

You stay for a lifestyle and are fishing on here for someone in the same position to share your misery with.

You need to be honest with yourself OP, then you might actually get somewhere.

@Littlesthobo84

Lannie how do you rein it in? Any decision I made it basically made around upsetting the fewest people possible even if it upsets me. I’d sooner that than upset anyone else. Then I lose sight of what I wanted anyway. I just don’t trust my decisions. That’s my problem.

It's not a quick fix, but you start to prioritise your own needs/wants to the same extent as you do those of other people.

You don't like upsetting other people... so why is it ok if you get upset? Or alternatively, you do nice things for other people... why don't they sometimes do what you want?

If your DH wants to watch something on TV and you put up with it because it will make him happy... why doesn't he do the same for you sometimes? You have to start to reframe the way you think about yourself.

He's not more important than you. You're his equal.

...but you're starting from a position of very low self-esteem. I think you need professional counselling to help you reposition your self-image.

how do you rein it in?

Btw, you managed it with your job :)

@TheWaif

It's just complete rubbish about the kids. Your parents are from a different generation. A very brief upset and then there would be a new normal. It's like you're enjoying catastrophising it.

It's also borderline insulting to every person reading this who has seperated from their child's other parent.

I separated from my childrens father and I take no offence at what the OP is saying. She is taking her decision very seriously, as she should and she is right that this will impact her children in a thousand different ways, some positive, some negative. A 'very brief upset' is very offhand, despite doing all the 'right' things in terms of managing the separation, my eldest was in a very bad place for at least 6 months - which is a very long time in a young child's life and when you are the one that caused it - and while he is good now, I wouldn't rule out it surfacing again. Although my youngest was the same age as OP's youngest and ostensibly handled it very well, who knows when or how we might revisit her feelings as she grows to a teenager. And for both of them, their lives are complicated in a way that most of their peers just aren't and that will continue. Two houses, two sets of values and rules, back and forth, lack of exposure to adult conversation and relationships as we have both remained single. I have no regrets for myself in leaving the marriage but this is not what I wish for them and it still nags at me. And this is two great well-adjusted children who are very close to both of us, we live near each other and are amicable, there are no money worries, no blended family scenarios to navigate. So OP, I don't know what you should do or how you can make peace with staying if you do, but I just want to say that I do understand your mindset completely.

@ravenmum

You're prepared not to have sex, but what about your dh? Are you letting him have discreet affairs? Is that why he insists on condoms? What happens if he leaves to be with someone else?

He won't use condoms. She wants sex , he's not bothered , because they can't agree on contraception. He won't be having an affair , he's only ever done PIV.

@JSL52

Your post made me smile. I’m not disagreeing with you, but I think the situation ( If it’s true), is a little bit more nuanced than that.

She says they haven’t had sex for six years, so what does that make them !?

House sharers. He certainly doesn’t co - parent.

She says, he’s not bothered yet constantly berates her about ‘ slipping her one ‘ and ‘ doing her back in ‘

( Cripes !!!! )

She says condoms would be acceptable but also says he won’t make any effort unless it’s full on bareback PIV

If this is the case, and he has a temper, and he’s vindictive, and he shouts at the children because they irritate him, it’s not a huge jump to say he doesn’t hold her, hug her, caress her or comfort her.........

But she’s going to stick it out for the next ten years !?

As for her parents, If I was her father, I’d be bollocking her Mother telling her to give her daughter some fucking support and encouragement, for God’s sake.

Surely both her parents can’t be arseholes !?

@Fabiofatshaft1 And what will probably end up happening is that he will have an affair and leave.

OP can then play the victim and martyr - just like my mother has done for 30 years. She’s already training for the role now.

@noirchatsdeux

As much as I hope the op can resolve her situation, or find her way, I can’t disagree with you......

But nigh on six years of ‘ I want to slip you one ‘ or ‘ I want to do your back in ‘

I mean Jesus, most women wouldn’t stand six week of it !? Would they ?

Some men are smooth talking, romantic fuckers.....

He won't use condoms.
I know; I corrected myself immediately after. The thread has also progressed since then.

He won't be having an affair , he's only ever done PIV.
Believe it or not, even men who have "only ever done PIV" still manage to have affairs.

@ravenmum Believe it or not, even men who have "only ever done PIV" still manage to have affairs

Yep. In fact, a lot of the women they will be going after will actually prefer just PIV, not being pestered for oral or anal sex constantly like some of the younger guys nowadays do...

What is PIV?! OP hope you are OK. If you want something to change you need to be proactive now, start saying what you need and ideally, book in with a therapist.. I think you said earlier on in thread you were talking to someone?

Saw this tweet and thought of you OP

Setting boundaries is hard

Feelings of guilt and obligation are formidable foes

Do you know what is even harder?

Dealing with the consequences of being spread too thin and overwhelmed

#wednesdaythought
#anxiety

this was me.

we have not had sex since the last baby was a toddler; he’ll be 12 this summer.

my h is not horrible, but i realised that he doesn’t have to be a villain to not be for me. it was when i started thinking about what i was modeling for my children that things resolved.

i have a lawyer who i am seeing later this month to start ironing out a separation agreement. it won’t be fun or easy but i am done having my life be something that happens to me passively.

i may well be alone forever, but who knows. at any rate i won’t be living a lie.

if you are waiting for someone to tell you to go, here i am telling you: go.

@Littlesthobo84

It’s not a wind up. I don’t consider myself abused - I just think I am weak and indecisive. For whatever reason that may be.

I used to be very much like you, for similar reasons.

Eventually I left my husband, very much doubting whether it was the right thing to do -- because of course, how on earth could I possibly tell?! The whole world could have told me it was obviously the right decision, and I still would have thought there was something they didn't know that, if they knew it, would just prove I was completely bonkers.

Anyway, I left. And over the years since, I became a completely different person. Through trial and error, I learned to trust my own judgement. Now, I know exactly how I feel about things and what I want to do next. It is enormously liberating.

You feeling the way you do is not an innate quality you can't escape. It's the self-perpetuating result of the relationships you are in at the moment.

I’ve had legal advice previously, ultimately I can’t see myself staying OR leaving and I don’t know what to do with that.
I want to check back in and it all be ok but I’m not certain it’s possible. I keep thinking back to when ds was small and I know it was better then, not great - but better. I didn’t feel so distant and lonely. We still rarely ever had sex but I don’t remember feeling this constant on edge that I feel now.