Help me stay in my marriage.

[Littlesthobo84]

Just that really.
Late 30s, husband late 40s, it’s ok and plods along. We don’t row. He says he is perfectly happy. We don’t have sex. He won’t use condoms or get a vasectomy - he wants to risk timing. I won’t risk timing because I’ve had two high risk really difficult pregnancies already and although given my age it’s probably not likely my cycles are still regular and normal so it’s possible.
He says either I take the pill or we risk timing and I’ve taken the pill before and don’t want to be on it forevermore. I have migraines with aura and cannot take oestrogen based hormone medication. I took the mini pill for a long time before the children.
I don’t think I even want to have sex with him anyway and presumably it’s mutual because he’s not fussed about the vasectomy that he’s been mentioning for the past six years but not done anything about. We are nearly six years since we last had sex now. God, that’s even worse when written down.
I’m depressed about it, I feel checked out, but I don’t hate him. I care about him. I love my children. They are happy. My life is very separate to DH and always has been but my children are happy.
I just need to wait it out another 12/13 years until dd is 18. Remind me how the grass isn’t greener.

And what RandomMess wrote earlier. Please take heed of this poster and Dery's writings.

Why not suggest a open relationship? So you stay together but you get attention and sex from somehwere else.

I can’t see why condoms are a issue if I’m honest, that does sound like a excuse, maybe he will be happy with you getting sex elsewhere if your discreet about it. Maybe he would be happier too?

So I hit the nail on the head a page back about your parents.
And I see it because SIL plays out a similar role with her parents, to the detriment of her own life chances and mental health.
It's sad that you feel responsible for your mum's happiness in life but she actively encourages unhappiness in yours.
That's dysfunctional. But like SIL, you can't see it. And long term, if you don't change your mindset your DC will pay the price. They probably already are.

You do need to leave your H

BUT

You need therapy so you don't run either further into your Mothers damaging dynamic.

I would park leaving for a while but only to get therapy. You need to find YOU, most of you need to find and then voice what you want.

You know your marriage is unhealthy and bad for the DC but you are so conditioned by your Mum to do what she says that you deny it to yourself and us otherwise you have to go against your Mum and that would be terrible and world ending because that is how enmeshed you are.

Focus on building relationships with friends and colleagues and take a giant step back from your Mum. Stop telling her things that she will have an opinion on, stop asking for her input.

You absolutely need therapy. Use your pay rise to pay for it. You can even tell H that you need therapy to talk about stuff to do with your parents if you can't do it without him knowing.

Does your workplace have any sort of well-being things such as a helpline?

I find it really interesting OP that you use very similar language in describing your husband's behaviour as your mother's.

You describe something fairly awful.
Then you minimise it and say "but I suppose every husband/mother does that don't they"

Do you actually want to hear the answer to that last question? What are you going to do, if the answer every time is no?

Well you have definitely explained the toxicity of your childhood.

Your mother sounds absolutely dreadful.

You have been emotionally abused your whole life.
Abuse doesn't have to be nasty shouting.

I agree with above.
You need some therapy to help you see the wood from the trees.

I think if you could see the damage that has been done to you it would help you to see that you do not want this for your children.

You're right cavagirl, it is easier to normalise things... Therapy is hard work because you have to face these things.

I really sympathise with you, @Littlesthobo84. You sound like me, I can see both sides of absolutely everything, and find it impossible to have a firm opinion on anything without doubting that I'm probably completely wrong about it.
I also really understand you not feeling like an adult - neither do I. We've just had a lighthearted discussion about this at work, but it really got to me, and then I saw your comments! Even though I'm married with two kids, I still don't feel 'grown up' as I've always pretty much gone along with things and not asserted my position when there's something I want or do not want. Like recently, dh booked a holiday for us all in October - it's the last thing I want to do, I don't want him to still be around in October, but I said ok. I want my marriage to end, he doesn't, and so I just try to put up with it the best way I can, for everyone else. I wouldn't say my mum is like yours, she is very supportive and lets me make my own decisions, but she's also a bit of a drifter in that her advice to me is normally along the lines of "all you can do is wait and see what happens." But then nothing does happen. I let chances go in life, and just end up wasting time and getting older, all because I can't make decisions. I really understand you. And I really understand everyone telling you to stop this, but I know how hard that is. I think PPs are right, therapy is a good start for you. Good luck OP x

Your mum is disappointed with the way her life turned out and that is going to be you in 20 years are you are following her footsteps and your children will also follow the same path. You need to do something different to break the pattern.

@WallaceinAnderland

Your mum is disappointed with the way her life turned out and that is going to be you in 20 years are you are following her footsteps and your children will also follow the same path. You need to do something different to break the pattern.

Please listen. This is so important.

@Wakingup55643 - it really struck me forcibly about 20 years ago (am now early 50s) - life is not a dress rehearsal; we don’t get a practice run - this is our one shot. That’s why you need to grasp things and make them happen instead of just allowing them to unfold around you. Not everything will go the way you want it but if you make no effort to direct your future you can be pretty certain nothing will go the way you want it.

All mums do this to an extent I think.

No they don't, they truly, truly don't.

Would you? Do you?

I think you'd benefit from counselling to understand why you think everyone else has the right to do what they want, but you don't.

I have very similar people-pleasing traits, and overthink everything to avoid hurting anyone. I've had to learn to rein it in because it's counter-productive - you end up paralysed and doing nothing.

Do you think your husband or your mother worries about how their decisions will impact you or upset up? I can guarantee they don't. I'm not suggesting you go to that extreme, but there's a place in the middle where you're allowed to have a preference for yourself (not just on behalf of your children).

[quote Dery]@Wakingup55643 - it really struck me forcibly about 20 years ago (am now early 50s) - life is not a dress rehearsal; we don’t get a practice run - this is our one shot. That’s why you need to grasp things and make them happen instead of just allowing them to unfold around you. Not everything will go the way you want it but if you make no effort to direct your future you can be pretty certain nothing will go the way you want it.[/quote]
I really agree with this.

You're allowed to have the life that you want, not that everyone else wants you to have. They have their own lives - they need to butt out of your choices!

Lannie how do you rein it in? Any decision I made it basically made around upsetting the fewest people possible even if it upsets me. I’d sooner that than upset anyone else. Then I lose sight of what I wanted anyway.
I just don’t trust my decisions. That’s my problem.

Blimey OP, I just took a look at some of your other threads. Your husband is a complete waste of space.
Fully agree with PP - please look at therapy. A lot of your issues - including who you've married - are clearly very very deep rooted indeed.

You push through, even when it is difficult, maybe with the help, support and reassurance of a friend or therapist. Think of a small thing this week like a pp said, maybe a decision around dinner or TV programme etc.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

You cannot heal her pain and its actually not your task to do so.

Do read this article as well:-www.bethanywebster.com/blog/we-cant-save-our-mothers-from-their-pain/

I would also be suggesting you read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward as well as finding a BACP registered therapist. There's a lot to unpick here and your parents, particularly your mother (your dad has merely enabled her further), have done you great emotional harm. This dysfunctional stuff can go down the generations and if you do not act for yourself this will affect your children in their lives. I often ask the question, "what did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?" and this is also why.

Brilliant article, thanks for that recommendation

@Littlesthobo84

I’m really upset, I have a mortgage and bills to pay, ( Like everybody else on here ), will YOU take responsibility for my financial outgoings, I know you won’t refuse or tell me to take responsibility for myself. Thank you.

Your husband is selfish, vindictive and abusive.

Your mother - in - law is selfish, vindictive and abusive.

Your mother is selfish, vindictive and abusive.

I’m expecting a diatribe about your father very soon !?

I’m always the first to champion women who are down trodden or abused, but the longer this thread goes on, and you inject more ‘ Oh woe is me ‘ at various junctures the less plausible this all seems.

C’mon, fess up, you are a troll, aren’t you !?

I’m reminded of Meghan Markle’s tell all Winfrey interview whereby after, slowly but surely the facts get in the way and ‘ her truth ‘ starts to falls apart.

If this thread is all a wind up, you are doing a massive disservice to the people trying to help you with good advice, and a massive injustice to genuinely abused women who come here for help, advice and a friendly ear and shoulder to lean on.

This thread is painful to read.

My parents split when I was 19, just before I took my A levels, and my brother was almost 17.

It was messy and acrimonious, I packed in college soon after and took a shit job as a supermarket to save up money to move out. My brother flunked college as well. They didn't care, they were too wrapped up in their separation.

I wish with all my heart they had split up when I was too young to remember it. Leaving it til your kids are older is selfish and cowardly.

We have an ok relationship now since I had my own baby but I'll never forgive them for fucking up my education.

Another child of parents who hung in until the bitter end for 'the sake of their children". When I really fucking wish they hadn't bothered, it made for a very tense and emotionless upbringing. Also a load of stress and upheaval just at the point when I was trying to make a life for myself.

This is going to be super harsh, but the thing I find most difficult now is how dependent each parent is on me after the divorce. You risk repeating the same dynamic you have now with your mother, with your own daughter.

Ditch the martyrdom, it's not helping anyone. Get a life of your own! And a DP who isn't too lazy to even put on a condom FGS

It’s not a wind up.
I don’t consider myself abused - I just think I am weak and indecisive. For whatever reason that may be.

If he came home today and said he wanted a divorce, how would you feel?