Help me stay in my marriage.

[Littlesthobo84]

Just that really.
Late 30s, husband late 40s, it’s ok and plods along. We don’t row. He says he is perfectly happy. We don’t have sex. He won’t use condoms or get a vasectomy - he wants to risk timing. I won’t risk timing because I’ve had two high risk really difficult pregnancies already and although given my age it’s probably not likely my cycles are still regular and normal so it’s possible.
He says either I take the pill or we risk timing and I’ve taken the pill before and don’t want to be on it forevermore. I have migraines with aura and cannot take oestrogen based hormone medication. I took the mini pill for a long time before the children.
I don’t think I even want to have sex with him anyway and presumably it’s mutual because he’s not fussed about the vasectomy that he’s been mentioning for the past six years but not done anything about. We are nearly six years since we last had sex now. God, that’s even worse when written down.
I’m depressed about it, I feel checked out, but I don’t hate him. I care about him. I love my children. They are happy. My life is very separate to DH and always has been but my children are happy.
I just need to wait it out another 12/13 years until dd is 18. Remind me how the grass isn’t greener.

I think it’s why I’ve given into DH for so long.
It’s hard to feel I deserve anything more, I’ve never asked anything much of him. I feel guilty if I say what I want, I’ve given in every step of the way.
I do think it’s partly because I don’t have a very strong personality. I doubt myself in every hemisphere of my life, I don’t feel as capable as others people.

Op, I really feel for you but I feel like you've had a bit of a light bulb moment maybe? I think pp advice to decide on something you are going to make sure to be assertive on this week would be good. And even noticing when you say 'That's fine' or 'I don't mind' when you actually do have an opinion but you couldn't be bothered saying it. And then you can plan.

He sounds awful. I’m guessing he has had sex over the past 6 years. Don’t stay in this sexless marriage for the next 6+ years.

OK so from what little I know of you I think you do have a strong personality -

You always want to put your children first in everything
You have managed to get a job you are proud of with v little support
You care a lot about others often to your detriment
You stood up to a load of us arguing the toss with you and held your ground arguing your points
You are incredibly resilient having your job, looking after your family with v little support

So actually I don't see a weak personality at all. I see a person with low self esteem, a person who struggles with Fear Obligation and Guilt (FOG), who might well be depressed but who is working hard to do her best.

OP - sorry not RTFT but have seen your latest updates about your mum. They made me too angry to keep reading. OP - your mum is a Class A bitch. What kind of mother sets out to keep her daughter small? Your parents’ relationship cannot possibly have been healthy if that is how your mother treated you. Sounds like she regarded you as a threat and needed to keep you down.

No wonder your self esteem is so low. You’re going to need serious therapy to unpick this. If it’s good therapy, you’re going to be furious with your husband and furious with your parents before it’s over. I really, really hope you do it because your children will be so much better off with the full you, rather than the meek imitation you’ve been taught to be.

I think she’s very overprotective - she puts obstacles in my way when there aren’t any because she worries.
I did have a university boyfriend who I adored but she played a part in breaking us up after a couple of years because she didn’t like the fact he was Asian (which is dreadful I’m aware). She made it very difficult in lots of ways and was angry the whole time I was with him. She had a massive sulk when I went to see him in the holidays and I didn’t even like to mention his name.
She wasn’t the only reason we split but it certainly played a part in it - he felt very uncomfortable.

Nope your more is controlling wrapping it up in

"Knowing best"
"Caring"
"Just looking out for you"

Therapy therapy therapy

@Littlesthobo84.

You can call it over-protectiveness if you like. I’m sure your mum thinks she has your best interests at heart. But she doesn’t. She is hurting you. She has trained you to keep yourself small and to please her. She’s worn you out with her constant disapproval. She has sabotaged you at every turn. You sound traumatised. Those who should have been your biggest cheerleaders have kept you small because it suited them and they’ve even got you thinking they did it for you.

As @RandomMess said, your mother is controlling, not protective.

I thought she might be pleased about my job because she’s always telling me about her friends who have hugely successful children.
The other thing she does is criticise my appearance, not all the time - but somethings are a bit of an ongoing theme. My hands look old apparently 😂 and I’ve got frown lines. I’m late 30s so I’m not going to look 21 am I?!

It gets worse.

Your parents really have done a number on you, no wonder you picked your H.

Your Mums you small and inferior to feel better about yourself and your H does the same.

A functional mother would have been thrilled about your job.

Your mother has done a real number on you.

I do hope you have some seriously good quality therapy.

It’s hard to feel I deserve anything more, I’ve never asked anything much of him. I feel guilty if I say what I want, I’ve given in every step of the way.

I generally say ‘I don’t mind’ to things, even if I do mind.

Unfortunately by having them live under the same roof as you and him in a relationship, you are teaching them that this is what a relationship looks like.

That a woman should do as she is told by a man and keeps quiet to keep the peace, even when uncomfortable.

That a woman should defer to a man's decision making because a man gets to control the mood of the whole family.

That a man is allowed to shout at children and make the family live on eggshells.

That men shout at their partners and even if it upsets their children, it doesn't matter enough for the man to stop or the woman to leave.

Can you live with that?

You say this:

If they were seeing us shouting, or he were abusive it would be different, but for them they are seeing an amicable relationship.

But earlier said this:

DH has a temper and shouts more than me and they don’t like it.

They are seeing all this. And they already think that it's what a relationship is supposed to look like. The longer you stay the more likely they are to replicate your relationship when they are adults.

So you've had a difficult upbringing and you can see how it has affected you in your relationship. You've ended up with an abusive bully who you are too scared to leave your own children with and this is what is going to happen to them in the future.

But if you really won't put the children's needs before your own then there's not much else anyone can say. It's your choice at the end of the day.

Do you have other people you can talk to in real life about this? Including someone professionally trained to help you unpick the damage done by your parents?

Amongst other things, your parents have taught you to fear failure. I’m sure the promotion would have worked out but even if not, so what? Nothing ventured, nothing gained. It’s basic. And you’d have learnt very useful things from the whole experience. Failure is not to be feared. Not trying when you should try is to be deeply feared.

You don’t sound like you’re in your late 30s. I bet you’re actually incredibly competent but your lack of confidence makes you seem much younger. It’s because you’ve been squashed all your life. You’re too much under the thumb of your parents and your husband. You clearly have so much to offer especially if you’re able to fully be you. You’re going to need to burst free. You’ve already started that process. That’s why you posted here.

Otherwise 20 years from now, it could be your daughter being pushed around by her partner and/or your son pushing his partner around because he thinks that’s how relationships work.

I’ve taken the new job but I’ve felt terrible about it since. 🙄
My dd is spending an extra couple of hours in wrap around and my mother has gone on about this, making me feel dreadful. I really wanted to job and didn’t expect to get it so was initially delighted but that soon wore off 😂 now it’s just another thing to worry and feel anxious over.

None of my friends seem to have the problems I do making decisions. They just do it. They don’t seem to overthink and essentially live through things before they’re even happening. I find I’m trying to deal with everything before it’s happened which is stupid and impossible.
They all have good jobs and partners and are successful. I’ve always felt I’m inherently less capable and I don’t trust my decisions or myself.

So glad you took the job.

Your friends find this stuff easy because they haven’t been routinely undermined by their parents all their lives so they have confidence in themselves.

A couple of extra hours of wraparound care a week will not hurt your daughter. What would happen if you told your mum that you know you’ve done the right thing for you and your family and she needs to stop trying to do you down?

Honestly tell your Mum less and learn how to grey rock her or actually say "enough on that topic Mum".

She said I had to put my dc first and that the best thing was to stay in the role I was in as it was less demanding.
I was a bit put out when she said she hoped I wouldn’t get the job.
I also don’t like the comments on my appearance.

All mums do this to an extent I think.

FGS no they don't!!!!

Most Mums encourage their adult children to do what the child thinks is best for them. Are their biggest Cheerleader!!!

Your Mum is still doing her best to erode your confidence and increase your anxiety and reliance on her.

Speak to her less! Can you not see how nasty it is to tell you she hopes you don't get the job!!!!! Can you not see how critical and nasty it is of her to imply you don't put your DC first

Seriously she is a little poisonous drip in your ear and therefore your own head.

Do you have friends that are positive about what you do and what you want???

The problem is because DH hasn’t been very involved in family life my parents have remained closely involved. To all intents and purposes they have been my partner, which sounds creepy but I think that’s how it has been. The separation has never happened.
I feel responsible for my mother’s happiness, unfortunately, and she’s rarely happy. She’s told me a number of times that she’s disappointed with her life and I hear that as being disappointed with me, although she probably doesn’t mean it that way.

And that is the history you will repeat with your DD unless you actively change yourself and the dynamics in your life.

You need to step away from your Mum and this unhealthy co-dependent relationship with her. Your marriage never had a chance partly because of your H and partly because you weren't "free" no wonder your Mum hated your ex - because she didn't want to lose you.

You need to become an adult in your own right.

Stop thinking your parents were great or had a happy marriage else why has your Mum always been so miserable and dependent on you?

Do you have any friends?

You really need therapy.

What @RandomMess said.

You cannot heal her pain and its actually not your task to do so.

Do read this article as well:-www.bethanywebster.com/blog/we-cant-save-our-mothers-from-their-pain/

I would also be suggesting you read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward as well as finding a BACP registered therapist. There's a lot to unpick here and your parents, particularly your mother (your dad has merely enabled her further), have done you great emotional harm. This dysfunctional stuff can go down the generations and if you do not act for yourself this will affect your children in their lives. I often ask the question, "what did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?" and this is also why.