Help me stay in my marriage.

[Littlesthobo84]

Just that really.
Late 30s, husband late 40s, it’s ok and plods along. We don’t row. He says he is perfectly happy. We don’t have sex. He won’t use condoms or get a vasectomy - he wants to risk timing. I won’t risk timing because I’ve had two high risk really difficult pregnancies already and although given my age it’s probably not likely my cycles are still regular and normal so it’s possible.
He says either I take the pill or we risk timing and I’ve taken the pill before and don’t want to be on it forevermore. I have migraines with aura and cannot take oestrogen based hormone medication. I took the mini pill for a long time before the children.
I don’t think I even want to have sex with him anyway and presumably it’s mutual because he’s not fussed about the vasectomy that he’s been mentioning for the past six years but not done anything about. We are nearly six years since we last had sex now. God, that’s even worse when written down.
I’m depressed about it, I feel checked out, but I don’t hate him. I care about him. I love my children. They are happy. My life is very separate to DH and always has been but my children are happy.
I just need to wait it out another 12/13 years until dd is 18. Remind me how the grass isn’t greener.

My parents have a great relationship, very equal, very collaborate, very happy.
It’s not what I was modelled - that’s why I always wonder how much difference it really makes. I was modelled a great relationship.
I think being young when I met DH and off the back of a few knocks to my self esteem and then never having another relationship to ‘compare’ it to means I don’t know what’s normal and what’s not. I’m aware it doesn’t feel equal but I’m also aware I’m really not good with conflict so maybe some of it is my inability to be firm.

@Littlesthobo84

Oh yes - if I were my friend I’d probably advise me to leave, but real life doesn’t work like that. I need to just put it to bed (ironically) and fill my life with other things until my dd is significantly older. I don’t believe children are ok with parents splitting up in most cases.

If your daughter was in your situation, what would you advise her? Would you want this for her? I read a book called Untamed by Glen Doyle. It touched on many topics, marriage included. But the part that really spoke to me is that we don't want to teach your daughters that their dreams die from motherhood. Be a role model for your daughter. Go live your life! It also touches on the aftermath of divorce if you're interested.

Yes low self esteem jumps out. It's not your job to keep a lid on your dh, that's how job. If you calmly tell him you're really uncomfortable with that, the correct response is 'Oh I'm so sorry, I never meant to make you feel like that. I won't do it again.' It doesn't have to be the modelled relationship, it could be the primary attahment.

OP you are kidding yourself. You don't tell him his words are disgusting because you don't want to deal with the fallout of standing up to him. It will be unpleasant. And then you can't continue this fiction that things are fine in front of the children.

Do your parents know what he is like?

Basically, your standard should be simply does he make you happy? Do you feel loved valued and cherished? No you don’t. That’s the only standard you need.

Your parents have raised you to set the bar very low, and their recent comments about waiting years for you to leave seem to reinforce that. They're very happy themselves, but quite satisfied for you to be unhappy. They're actively encouraging it, years of unhappiness. How do you feel about that?
I don't call it great parenting.
You're perpetuating the cycle and actively planning for them the worst possible start to adult life.

Your 'sacrifice' is misguided and will be a huge burden for them to carry.

Agree with pp. Did you appease and seek approval from your parents in a similar way? Were you rewarded for putting your parents needs before your own? A good therapist will work thrall of this with you and you will learn how to approach conflict and be firm. It can be done and sounds like could be life changing. and might get you moving out of this marriage

My mother’s I did - I found it impossible to do anything that might upset her and it’s been an ongoing dynamic. She wouldn’t necessarily say she disapproved of something but her behaviour would clearly illustrate that she did. Or she would tell me I wouldn’t be able to do something or it would be too much. I’d have liked to have travelled for example.
However it is my own fault for not being a stronger character!

It's not your own fault, your parents trained you...

@Littlesthobo84

If we were to split DH would be very angry and upset and would go on the attack. He describes himself as ‘vindictive’ if anyone hurts him. It wouldn’t be amicable in the least.

Doesn't he sound lovely ! Get out of this shit show of a marriage.

It's not your own fault.

She was the adult, you were a child. It's not a child's job to manage the behaviour of an adult. You were just busy being a child.

You are perfect being you. Your opinions are valid.

Even now, when you are a grown woman, a mother yourself with children, your mum treats you like a child - you should stay in your marriage, put up with it, behave.

What you have learnt is to marry your mother. Only your husband is horrid and makes nasty sexual demands as well.

This behaviour replicates down the generations - your daughter will learn not to challenge your husband and then pick a similar partner, and so it goes on and on and on.

It served you as a child not to rock the boat you got approval perhaps or a lack of disapproval even.. It's not serving you now. You need to work on this dynamic as it's engtained but can be changed. It's nothing to do with you not being a strong character!!

I’m still close with my mum but lockdown has kind of broken that a bit as I’ve not been able to see her. I think she did her best. She just always have an opinion and often I knew what I wanted but then couldn’t do it because I was so worried about upsetting her. She didn’t shout or anything, it was just obvious disapproval. I’ve taken on a new role at work and I really wanted to do it and was pleased to get it - she said she hoped I wouldn’t get it as it would be too much and then afterwards she continued down that line. That it would be bad for the children because more hours, I wouldn’t cope etc.
I do find it hard even as an adult to ignore it. Pathetic really.

Not pathetic at all, very very difficult to go against that. I get that unsaid thing, understand it completely. But you can see it now and you can start to be mindful of it, plan responses etc to start to change it. Of course she did her best and we don't know her own experience growing up. It's not about judging her but about seeing what you need to do for you. Your needs were not prioritised so you have continued in this vain and perhaps you are afraid to lose people if you put your needs first.. For me that's all part of the same cycle. You might not even be able to say what your needs are! Which would explain your confusion, your inaction, your avoidance of difficulty... Does any of that make sense?

Again, it's not pathetic. Somehow you haven't broken out of parent - child to adult-adult with your mum. She also honestly doesn't sound very nice about you - why wouldn't she big you up about your great new job?

No wonder you have no self-esteem when the people who should be your biggest cheerleaders - your mum and your husband - are busy telling you that you will be crap at things and not to sit on their sofa, FFS.

Again, this is not your fault for being weak, or not having a strong enough personality. It's more that you have been sent out to climb Everest equipped with a small penknife and summer clothing. The people who should have been responsible for making sure you were properly prepared have been more interested in themselves than you.

Yes, most of the time I know what I want initially but by the time I’ve thought about it from everyone else’s perspective and worried about it I no longer know what I want and it no longer even matters. I just want to upset and disappoint the fewest people possible.

Well you recognise that op and you can change it. I have been in therapy for a year and a half. I can tell you it is very clear to me now, it doesn't mean that tendency in me is gone but I notice it and I am taking steps to put myself first and be OK with boundaries and upsetting people. Thats their own issue, no longer mine.

That’s where I struggle because although people are responsible for their own feelings if you care about someone it also means surely that your actions can impact those feelings?
If I were to leave DH I could say - not my problem, regarding his anger and upset, but I wouldn’t feel that. It would feel very much my problem and my fault.

Oh dear 🤦🏼‍♀️ your Mum has done a complete number on you and you have found a H to carry it on and tell you the same.

Start investing in some therapy for yourself and FAST.

I know what you're saying. I don't mean I do what I want and don't care about other people's feelings. What I mean is I stay true to myself and make my decisions with respect, I know my needs and I know my limits. That will sometimes mean I annoy or anger others. It might mean what I decide will cause hurt or upset. And it is OK for others to be upset and I still get to have my needs and make my decisions. Does that make sense? You of course have to compromise and make sacrifices in a marriage but you cannot sacrifice core needs, you can't compromise on somethings. Some thing are deal breakers. And the other person may not like that. And that is OK. Some people will be quite happy that you are pushing your own needs way down... Those are not people with your best interests at heart, unfortunately.

I’m not great at it even for small decisions. I nearly didn’t take the new role because I knew how much my mother disapproved.
I generally say ‘I don’t mind’ to things, even if I do mind. 😂

Look into FOG.

So familiar over tolerance! Much easier than rocking the boat. But I promise it feels amazing to say 'No I can't make that but I can make Wednesday' or not answering a call when it doesn't suit or saying 'I'll need xyz' instead of 'Oh yes that's fine' with a smile when things don't suit.

A lot of us have been where you are in our relationships both with our partners and our parents mothers I had years of therapy to sort mine out, turned my life around.

Could you try, just for a week, focussing on something every small where you say what you want instead of 'don't mind'. It could be that someone is making drinks and you say you want coffee instead of just having tea because everyone else is, buying the cereal you personally like rather than everyone else's choice, making sure you watch the end of your TV programme - anything you like.

But it really is liberating to find out that you matter, your choices are important, and it OK that you mind about things.

Absolutely you were so well trained by your Mum

FOG - fear obligation guilt