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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help me stay in my marriage.

603 replies

Littlesthobo84 · 19/03/2021 16:37

Just that really.
Late 30s, husband late 40s, it’s ok and plods along. We don’t row. He says he is perfectly happy. We don’t have sex. He won’t use condoms or get a vasectomy - he wants to risk timing. I won’t risk timing because I’ve had two high risk really difficult pregnancies already and although given my age it’s probably not likely my cycles are still regular and normal so it’s possible.
He says either I take the pill or we risk timing and I’ve taken the pill before and don’t want to be on it forevermore. I have migraines with aura and cannot take oestrogen based hormone medication. I took the mini pill for a long time before the children.
I don’t think I even want to have sex with him anyway and presumably it’s mutual because he’s not fussed about the vasectomy that he’s been mentioning for the past six years but not done anything about. We are nearly six years since we last had sex now. God, that’s even worse when written down.
I’m depressed about it, I feel checked out, but I don’t hate him. I care about him. I love my children. They are happy. My life is very separate to DH and always has been but my children are happy.
I just need to wait it out another 12/13 years until dd is 18. Remind me how the grass isn’t greener.

OP posts:
HeyGirlHeyBoy · 28/03/2021 18:34

It makes you recoil. That's all the information you need

Littlesthobo84 · 28/03/2021 18:35

But is it normal to?
I don’t know. Would some women like it? Hence does he think it’s ok? Maybe it is ok?

OP posts:
HeyGirlHeyBoy · 28/03/2021 18:38

I'm sorry op, I find it very difficult to respond to that. Do you want this to be normal in your relationship? If you are recoiled by something isn't that enough for you, for your relationship? If someone spoke to you like that 3m in, would you leave?

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 28/03/2021 18:39

What I mean is I find it frustrating that you are not happy that not good enough for you is not good enough. End of.

AnnaMagnani · 28/03/2021 18:51

OK - so you think he says it because it might be OK to some women, he genuinely thinks it's something that some women might really like to hear?

He honestly doesn't. He says it because he has no respect for you as a person and just views you as an orifice.

I think you would really benefit from reading this book:

Lundy Bancroft - Why does he do that?

Link is to a site with a free download of the whole book-
freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html

Littlesthobo84 · 28/03/2021 18:54

Maybe. I don’t know.
Would any of you be ok with it? I feel like maybe it’s just me who finds it revolting.

OP posts:
noirchatsdeux · 28/03/2021 18:57

Stop asking stupid irrelevant questions that you already know the fucking answer to. Stop putting your damn self first and think of your poor children!

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 28/03/2021 18:57

Why are you doubting yourself like this?? Why is you finding it revolting not enough information? I would find it revolting and utterly off putting BTW but I wouldn't care what anyone else thought, that's my line in the sand and I wouldn't put up with it even if a friend told me she'd love it! (unlikely) Do you see what I mean? Your own feelings on it and the limits you want to set are yours and you don't have to justify them to anyone. Are you still talking to a therapist?

Biscuitsanddoombar · 28/03/2021 18:59

Blurghhhhhh god he’s just awful OP. No that language would not be remotely acceptable in my marriage but I’m not you

StrudelSoup · 28/03/2021 19:05

I think there is no point going round in circles with you justifying your shitty relationship and why you're going to stay in it until you are dead any more. No it isn't "normal". He treats you like someone he doesn't even like, bordering on abusive. Your children WILL be aware of this as they get older - their parents' loveless marriage and their shouting hostile black cloud of a father affecting the mood of the house. That is what will mess them up way more than anything else, from my experience and what others have even said on this thread.

I think you should invest in yourself in the form of some counselling for your incredibly low self-esteem. It isn't healthy to have such incredibly low standards for your relationships. Something has gone very wrong somehow and you need to unpick that and work on it. I also think - as some posters suggested much earlier in the thread - that you would benefit from developing other aspects of your life like a hobby or exercise just for you, and also something sociable - when Covid allows. What are you passionate about and what do you enjoy doing? Develop these things and build up other sides of your life.

HalzTangz · 28/03/2021 19:05

@Littlesthobo84

Because of the children. And because I don’t want to hurt him. He’s an ok guy. I mean there are many many not ok guys out there. He’s never been overly involved with the children but he has a busy and stressful job. I could leave and be on my own and would that be any better than now. I’m just a bit depressed I suppose and after the last twelve months it’s brought it home to me how distant we really are. I mean it’s his body, he doesn’t have to have a vasectomy, but I also feel like I shouldn’t have to take the pill. I’m happy to use condoms and he won’t.
Could you not have a sterilisation?
Candyfloss99 · 28/03/2021 19:08

Of course he's a disgusting pig, anyone would find him revolting. You need to wise up here and leave him, if not for you then for your poor children. Of course they'll see what he is doing if they haven't already. I can't fathom how you don't know you are ruining your children's lives here. It's like you just can't be bothered enough about them to leave him. Why would anyone want their children to grow up in a toxic environment?

minmooch · 28/03/2021 19:11

No it's not ok. Everyone on her keeps telling you it's not ok.

My oh and I use crude language sometimes but is said in jest and we both have the same humour. And we are having a healthy sex life.

Your DH uses these phrases knowing full well they make you recoil. That is what makes it abusive, he knows it repulses you. He knows he's not going to get sex out of using this language, he's using the language to keep you off balance.

He's a horrible piece of work. I hope the scales fall from your eyes soon and you leave him. You and your kids deserve better.

I've read everyone of your posts. You seem determined to not listen to all those posters who have been the kids in your scenario. You seem determined not to listen to the many posters who have left unhealthy relationships, who chose to make it better for their kids, who chose to model to their kids that a husband and wife should treat each other with love and respect.

You are stronger than you think. You can make your kids home life so much healthier. Even living separately. Most of us have managed this so you can too.

RandomMess · 28/03/2021 19:13

It's not good living with a long term depressed parent. I saw that as someone who struggles with their MH.

Something needs to massively change.

I can't understand why you refuse to accept that DC living full time with a parent that views them as a stress inconvenience, that barely bothers to interact with them isn't hurtful and damaging.

The sexual comments are utterly disgusting.

Closetbeanmuncher · 28/03/2021 19:15

Then if this relationship is normal as you put it why are you here posting about it?

To answer your question the way you stay in your marriage is to bury your head in the sand and lie to yourself, both of which you seem to have mastered.

If it's normal and you want to stay in it crack on quietly maybe?? 🤷‍♀️

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 28/03/2021 19:22

Your children will hate you op.

I've not come across someone who is on so much denial abs makes so many excuses.

You find the comments awful because they are awful. I don't know what hypothetical women you think might think it's ok but it's not. You've got lots of posters here saying it's vile. It should be enough.

Your scared to leave. You should be scared to stay.

They will hate you for it op.

GoLightlyontheEarth · 28/03/2021 19:30

You are either in an elaborate wind up here which is awful or your have a serious problem which you need to address. Please OP at least organise some good quality therapy for yourself. Your children may seem happy now, but as they get older they will pick up all sorts from you both. The dynamic is very unhealthy. Your husband is awful . Think about what you are teaching them is acceptable and what you are teaching them about appropriate boundaries and self esteem. Many people have told you how growing up in a toxic home has damaged them but you just won’t listen. You know you have no intention of leaving so stop wasting people’s time.

AnnaMagnani · 28/03/2021 19:41

OK, lets ask it another way.

If you told him it really hurt your feelings - because it does - would he stop doing it? Forever?

Because that is honestly what happens in normal relationships.

If someone is doing something that vile, and that hurtful, and won't stop, then they get dumped.

You know he won't stop. In fact he won't stop any of the large number of behaviours that hurt you because he doesn't care.

Littlesthobo84 · 28/03/2021 19:44

I wouldn’t tell him because he’d possibly be angry, but I think that’s my issue for being such a pushover.

OP posts:
GoLightlyontheEarth · 28/03/2021 19:46

It’s time you got angry.

RandomMess · 28/03/2021 19:46

Why are you pushover with him?

Because it's not worth it because of the shouting and anger and row it will cause?

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 28/03/2021 19:47

No it's not your issue. If he is angry, and likely intimidating, then that's not a reasonable response to being told you're not comfortable with something. You. Are. Allowed. To. Have. Healthy. Boundaries.

Being a pushover doesn't even make sense in this situation tbh. If my dh is angry in response to something reasonable I can tell you it's very off putting and again, is one of my lines in the sand (anger/control).

Littlesthobo84 · 28/03/2021 19:50

I’m not sure really, when he’s said things like that I’ve just tried to laugh it off. I don’t feel comfortable to tell him I don’t like it, I think he’d be angry but maybe he wouldn’t.

OP posts:
HeyGirlHeyBoy · 28/03/2021 19:52

Even the fact you're not comfortable telling him is part of him controlling/you walking on eggshells, can you see that? I recognise it because I was overtolerant and pushed my own needs down for so long. As pp says, find your anger, it will feel so good!! How's your therapist?

billy1966 · 28/03/2021 20:05

OP,
What can your background have been like to think that people speak and treat each other like that and like it?

What sort of family life did your parents model that you would think a decent man would use such language?

It sounds to me as if this is an inter generational abusive family dynamic.

Your poor children OP.

Flowers