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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help me stay in my marriage.

603 replies

Littlesthobo84 · 19/03/2021 16:37

Just that really.
Late 30s, husband late 40s, it’s ok and plods along. We don’t row. He says he is perfectly happy. We don’t have sex. He won’t use condoms or get a vasectomy - he wants to risk timing. I won’t risk timing because I’ve had two high risk really difficult pregnancies already and although given my age it’s probably not likely my cycles are still regular and normal so it’s possible.
He says either I take the pill or we risk timing and I’ve taken the pill before and don’t want to be on it forevermore. I have migraines with aura and cannot take oestrogen based hormone medication. I took the mini pill for a long time before the children.
I don’t think I even want to have sex with him anyway and presumably it’s mutual because he’s not fussed about the vasectomy that he’s been mentioning for the past six years but not done anything about. We are nearly six years since we last had sex now. God, that’s even worse when written down.
I’m depressed about it, I feel checked out, but I don’t hate him. I care about him. I love my children. They are happy. My life is very separate to DH and always has been but my children are happy.
I just need to wait it out another 12/13 years until dd is 18. Remind me how the grass isn’t greener.

OP posts:
Littlesthobo84 · 28/03/2021 13:45

I’d just like to know they will be ok and I’m not convinced they will be.
Also now things should be improving from a covid point of view. How can I make everything so much more difficult in every other way? You spend your life trying not to upset or cause pain to your children, how can I willingly do it?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 28/03/2021 13:50

They are in pain and unhappy you just can't see it.

What you want to do is a avoid be witness to them showing their pain and sadness in a way you can't ignore.

For as long as you pretend that your H isn't abusive you can pretend it isn't hurting aka damaging your DC.

Littlesthobo84 · 28/03/2021 14:26

They seem happy.
I don’t think it’s abuse - it’s just a not great marriage.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 28/03/2021 14:42

Ok fair enough, I hope you still feel the same when DD marries someone like her father who treats your grandchildren like that.

I was petrified of my father of his shouting and what he would say, I watched my Mum being ground down. I learnt to keep all my thoughts and feelings to myself from a very young age and I left as soon as I could.

My DC have been kept away from my parents to protect them from criticism and witnessing shouty behaviour and seeing the effect spending time with them has on me and how mentally unwell being in their presence makes me.

My Mum was my everything but as a pre-teen I realised that she was more interested in protecting what she wanted/needed than looking out for me.

noirchatsdeux · 28/03/2021 16:12

@Littlesthobo84 Same for me as RandomMess - I never shared my true thoughts or feelings with my parents and entered a very ill-advised marriage at a young age, purely to get away from them. My parents probably thought we 'seemed happy' as well, in fact my mother has taken it very badly that my older brother has now told her that he hated our childhood.

My mother was also all about appearances - she wanted to look the perfect good Catholic mother to her family, ignoring the fact that not only had my father never wanted children in the first place, but he couldn't keep his dick in his pants for the whole of their marriage. My mother is an extremely bad actress and her true feelings - behind closed doors - were all too obvious.

Littlesthobo84 · 28/03/2021 16:13

I’m certain it’s me that’s unhappy in the main.
I think the dc are ok.
It’s me that struggles to be checked in.

OP posts:
noirchatsdeux · 28/03/2021 16:17

@Littlesthobo84 So they aren't affected emotionally by anything that happens in your household, are you really so stupid as to believe that? You should care more about that possibility than yourself. You are as selfish as my mother was.

Littlesthobo84 · 28/03/2021 16:26

No I’m not but would they not be affected by having their lives turned upside down, being split between two houses, dealing with the crap my husband and his family will say - I think they very much will.

OP posts:
noirchatsdeux · 28/03/2021 16:31

So it's better that it's 100% that you make them live a lie than have 50% of their time living in truth?

And you care more about what people will say? Yeah, my mother did too...

Maybe they will be lucky and the decision will be taken out of your hands. My father ended up leaving my mother but not until they'd both put us all through a decade of hell.

Littlesthobo84 · 28/03/2021 16:32

I care if they are telling my children things which will upset and hurt them, yes. I care if they tell the children I didn’t love them enough and split up the marriage. That’s what I care about, I don’t care what they think about me.

OP posts:
noirchatsdeux · 28/03/2021 16:36

So you are saying your children are going to listen to other people, will believe other people, over you? Why would that be?

Littlesthobo84 · 28/03/2021 16:44

The youngest is 5.
She may not believe them but I don’t think it’ll do her much good.

OP posts:
category12 · 28/03/2021 16:45

The children will know you love them because you'll be showing it. What other people tell them isn't going to outweigh their own experience.

What you are teaching your little girl is that wives and mothers do everything in the home, do everything with the children and everything revolves around the grumpy, can't be arsed, uninvolved father. Is that really the lesson you want to teach her about being a woman, about relationships?

What you're teaching your son is that men do nothing and rule roost and everyone walks on eggshells around his wishes. Is that the way you want him to treat his girlfriends/wife in future relationships?

noirchatsdeux · 28/03/2021 17:01

Oh and if you think I'm exaggerating the effect our childhood had on myself and my two brothers - none of us have had children of our own. My younger brother has never even had a long term relationship, and it's his 50th birthday today.

All my mother can do now is whinge about her lack of grandchildren. It's always all been about her...

Fabiofatshaft1 · 28/03/2021 18:00

OMG.....

Are we still here......

@Littlesthobo84 Your words ‘ He has a temper, he shouts at the children and they don’t like it, he’s vindictive, controlling, ( And is happy to risk your health ), by pressurising you into risky unprotected sex and uses base, sexist, demeaning language ‘

And you are STILL defending him and the situation and going round in circles.

Jesus wept.

Littlesthobo84 · 28/03/2021 18:01

I don’t like the sexist language very much.
But I think it can be normal in some relationships.

OP posts:
category12 · 28/03/2021 18:07

It's not the sexist language - it's the sexist real life example you are demonstrating to your children every single day.

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 28/03/2021 18:10

Are you OK with it being normal in yours??

Again I say if you are going to stay, against all advice, you need to make a move now to change the dynamic and the power balance in the house. My own gold standard question is: if I was to be given 6m to live would I wish I had left?

category12 · 28/03/2021 18:11

Not to mention the fact that your dh can't be arsed with the children and is irritated by them.

What sort of effect will that have on them? Feeling like a nuisance, feeling unimportant, feeling uninteresting. What sort of effect do you think that has on a child's self-esteem? What sort of man do you think girls get into relationships with after that sort of example?

If you left, you'd be showing them it's not OK to be treated like a second-class citizen in your own home, and potentially that there's better relationship models out there.

billy1966 · 28/03/2021 18:17

@noirchatsdeux

Oh and if you think I'm exaggerating the effect our childhood had on myself and my two brothers - none of us have had children of our own. My younger brother has never even had a long term relationship, and it's his 50th birthday today.

All my mother can do now is whinge about her lack of grandchildren. It's always all been about her...

So sad to read and the reality.Flowers

OP, vile sexist language is not normal.

It happens in abusive relationships.

AnnaMagnani · 28/03/2021 18:20

Are you still doing the 'in some relationships' argument?

Yes it's normal in some relationships. Those are called abusive relationships.

Littlesthobo84 · 28/03/2021 18:21

Is it vile sexist language though?
Some couples probably use it and it’s normal?

‘I want to knock the back out of you’ is another favourite. Makes me recoil.

OP posts:
Arrivederla · 28/03/2021 18:23

@Littlesthobo84

I don’t like the sexist language very much. But I think it can be normal in some relationships.
Yes, it's normal in very poor relationships where one person has absolutely no respect for their partner.
category12 · 28/03/2021 18:23

Oh just stay and be miserable and watch your children repeat your mistakes in their futures and tell yourself "well I did my best". See how grateful they are.

AnnaMagnani · 28/03/2021 18:27

That's beyond sexist language, it's disgusting and abusive language.

It's calling Women's Aid level language.