Help me stay in my marriage.

[Littlesthobo84]

Just that really.
Late 30s, husband late 40s, it’s ok and plods along. We don’t row. He says he is perfectly happy. We don’t have sex. He won’t use condoms or get a vasectomy - he wants to risk timing. I won’t risk timing because I’ve had two high risk really difficult pregnancies already and although given my age it’s probably not likely my cycles are still regular and normal so it’s possible.
He says either I take the pill or we risk timing and I’ve taken the pill before and don’t want to be on it forevermore. I have migraines with aura and cannot take oestrogen based hormone medication. I took the mini pill for a long time before the children.
I don’t think I even want to have sex with him anyway and presumably it’s mutual because he’s not fussed about the vasectomy that he’s been mentioning for the past six years but not done anything about. We are nearly six years since we last had sex now. God, that’s even worse when written down.
I’m depressed about it, I feel checked out, but I don’t hate him. I care about him. I love my children. They are happy. My life is very separate to DH and always has been but my children are happy.
I just need to wait it out another 12/13 years until dd is 18. Remind me how the grass isn’t greener.

@Dery

“Is it not sadder for her to grow up thinking that this is what relationships are like? That she must adapt and make way at all times, get shouted at, her male partner will be the boss, she has no say over anything and must do her best to do what he says and to hell with what she wants?

Meanwhile your boy is learning something possibly even worse - how to treat a woman in a relationship. yes, he loves his mum but he doesn't think you are in charge of anything. When he starts dating what model does he have to follow? Bloke does the bare minimum, has sex whenever he wants, shouts and woman does as she is told.

Be honest, are these really the adults you want your children to grow up in to?”

This with bells on. I think a previous poster nailed it - there are reasons why staying in this marriage suits you. All the reasons you have given for not leaving are really about you - you’d miss them hugely; what if they missed you (answer: they’re young but not tiny - they can call; they can tell you what they’re feeling; you can explain they’ll be away for a very short time; you offer lovely shared times for when they’re with you). You are staying for your own reasons which have you at their heart. You are determined to find reasons why it’s the right thing to do when actually it sounds like the wrong thing to do. Own that you’re doing this for your own reasons (which may well be valid). Just don’t pin it on your children and make out you’re doing it for them.

Absolutely this.

OP, lying to yourself on an anonymous forum that you are staying for the children will not help you.

To get the most out of posting, be honest with yourself.

It suits YOU to stay in this truly dreadful marriage with this awful man.

Your young son has identified this which absolutely confirms how awful the whole situation is, and what a poor excuse of a father he is to your children.

You are staying for yourself.
Your children will endure this situation and bear the scars.
They will grow up.
They will judge YOU.

Memories from your childhood, the atmosphere in your home, how it made you feel, NEVER leaves you, good or bad.

It is absorbed into your DNA and you carry it with you.

You know this, but you are desperately trying to convince yourself otherwise.

Your children will become far more vocal as they grow.
You can expect them to want to be in their rooms a lot and out as much as possible.
Anywhere, rather than be at home.
They will leave home as early as they can.
At the first opportunity.

This is the way these things go.

I feel for you, because you sound like a nice woman who is overwhelmed.

You will pay a huge price, as will your children, if you don't find the strength from somewhere to make the tough decisions that need to be made for a better outcome for your children.

The OP's not coming back.
She's choosing her marriage before her children but at least she's aware of that now and understands it will harm them and probably lead to her being estranged from them later on.
At least she can cling to the illusion that she's been a good handmaiden.

I’m still here.
It’s impossible to say which is worst for my children - I understand that you are all seeing it differently but I’m living the everyday.
I don’t see any sign that they are desperately unhappy and I am unsure if splitting whilst they are still young would be more damaging. It’s a long time before my dd will get a voice in it all.

They will be as unhappy as you are, being emotionally and financially controlled, but you could teach them to get used to it and to hide any unhappiness and then they will be able to normalise it too.
If it's good enough for you they can also internalise the messages they are getting and look for affirmation of this 'normality' in their future relationships.
Do you want to watch them becoming their dads flying monkeys?
They won't have any choice.

I guess we have helped you stay in your marriage in a way. You've had pretty much everyone say a version of "why on earth do you want to stay?" and it hasn't shaken your faith in your decision to stay, so you must be very sure. If you're going to stay I hope it works out, but please never ever tell your kids that you stayed for them. It's not fair and it's not really true. Best of luck.

Do you not have any self respect? It’s one thing saying you don’t want to disrupt your children but why do you have so little respect for yourself?

@Notagain20

I guess we have helped you stay in your marriage in a way. You've had pretty much everyone say a version of "why on earth do you want to stay?" and it hasn't shaken your faith in your decision to stay, so you must be very sure. If you're going to stay I hope it works out, but please never ever tell your kids that you stayed for them. It's not fair and it's not really true. Best of luck.

I'm certain that's exactly what the op plans - more emotional abuse for these poor kids. By the time their parents are done playing with their emotions they will have no idea how to live an emotionally healthy life. It's these kids I really pity.

It’s impossible to say which is worst for my children

But it is possible to saying that it is worst for you. Your children are going to be affected either way I agree. It is hard to say which would be the most damaging - but either way they will take some damage.

For you though it is clear that leaving is the best thing for you to do

I really feel for you @Littlesthobo84 I've gone over this in my head a million times a day for the past few years. I feel like it's now making me physically ill. It's as if I'm waiting for a breaking point that never comes, and nothing will make me finally snap and tell him it's over. He knows I'm not happy, but is content to rumble along, while I spend all my time with the kids so that I don't have to spend time with him. No sex or anything approaching it for 10 years. As my counsellor told me, I'm at the point where it's impossible to avoid any pain or hurt, you just have to accept there will be a cost to either decision to stay or to leave, and you have to weigh up which will end up with the biggest benefit as the pain WILL be temporary. When you say to remind you the grass isn't always greener, well it is if you don't have any grass in the first place. Good luck OP x

Hi Littlesthobo84 ** I couldn't agree with your stance more... and I am saying that as someone who was in a very very similar marriage. No sex for the last five years. No drama, lovely guy. Kind, hard worker.
I left when mine were 5 9 and 11.
This did not enhance my life or the kids in anyway. It made my life as a single working mother exponentially more difficult. Meant I lost them for weekends and holidays, got to spend my time with them stressed out from doing ALL the school stuff/activities and work .. or not see them as much as I wanted.
They were obviously stressed and upset by the split.
When I did meet my second DH a few years later it was hard blending families . Our kids got on but are not close. 14 years have passed in a flash. Yes I have a lovely sex life with a man I love. That was the only real upside. It certainly wasn't worth putting the kids and my ex through the whole divorce trauma for my sex life. I should have waited. It really has passed in a flash.

Those who glibly say 'you need a life' 'get a divorce' 'you need more' forget that a marriage and family isn't just 'you' and selfish desires have a huge long term effect. It really isn't 'the better option that should be taken on a desire for something better.

It should be done when the welfare of you and or the kids is at risk. Where there is a risk to physical or mental health. Not just because it's dull.
That's my experience anyway.

@Littlesthobo84

Still rolling my eyes 🙄

@Trickyboy

Hi Littlesthobo84 ** I couldn't agree with your stance more... and I am saying that as someone who was in a very very similar marriage. No sex for the last five years. No drama, lovely guy. Kind, hard worker. I left when mine were 5 9 and 11. This did not enhance my life or the kids in anyway. It made my life as a single working mother exponentially more difficult. Meant I lost them for weekends and holidays, got to spend my time with them stressed out from doing ALL the school stuff/activities and work .. or not see them as much as I wanted. They were obviously stressed and upset by the split. When I did meet my second DH a few years later it was hard blending families . Our kids got on but are not close. 14 years have passed in a flash. Yes I have a lovely sex life with a man I love. That was the only real upside. It certainly wasn't worth putting the kids and my ex through the whole divorce trauma for my sex life. I should have waited. It really has passed in a flash.

Those who glibly say 'you need a life' 'get a divorce' 'you need more' forget that a marriage and family isn't just 'you' and selfish desires have a huge long term effect. It really isn't 'the better option that should be taken on a desire for something better.

It should be done when the welfare of you and or the kids is at risk. Where there is a risk to physical or mental health. Not just because it's dull.
That's my experience anyway.

Yours is an interesting post but not comparable with the OP's.

"No drama, kind, hard working"???? but no sex..

I can well imagine this was a very difficult decision to make.
I presume he was kind also to his children?

Please, please read the OP's posts.
Neither a good father, nor kind husband, calm house, nor no drama.
The opposite.
"Mum, can we live on your salary if dad is gone".....
WTF.

Please read the OP's horror story.

If I had a loving, kind, hard working husband but no sex, would I leave my husband..I honestly believe I wouldn't.

Would I leave the piece of shit the OP is married, that has one of my children asking Can we manage?

Yea..
I would be planning to leave.
Big time.

@Littlesthobo84 When your daughter finds out 'you stayed for her' she won't thank you, believe me. She will be angry that you made her childhood a lie.

Oh OP o feel for you, you sound so beaten down.

Your son’s question was his way of telling you he’d be happier with you and his sister, and without the overbearing, disinterested, spiteful man you’re forcing them to live with.

@Littlesthobo84

I’m still here. It’s impossible to say which is worst for my children - I understand that you are all seeing it differently but I’m living the everyday. I don’t see any sign that they are desperately unhappy and I am unsure if splitting whilst they are still young would be more damaging. It’s a long time before my dd will get a voice in it all.

I wasn’t desperately unhappy as a child either. If someone had suggested my parents splitting when I was primary school age I probably would’ve been quite upset at first. But if my mum said to me now as an adult that she stayed for my benefit, I think that would be the last thing she ever said to me (not as in I’d kill her, but I’d never be able to look at her again). It did NOT benefit me in any way. I didn’t know or understand that as a child. I do now, and I probably wouldn’t have had to have the amount of therapy I have if she’d left.

@TedMullins This as well. My childhood was insanely stressful (over 20 moves across multiple countries all over the world before I was 15) and my mother used me as a sounding board from age 9 as my father was away for long periods of time. She has the nerve now to joke that 'Noir had anxiety from age 9, it was like someone flicked a switch'... I was diagnosed with severe depression at age 17, bipolar at age 23. I'd tried to kill myself twice by that time.

My mother was living a lie, and extended that lie to include her 3 children in it. As none of us were blind deaf idiots, we all knew it from a young age. We were forced to act like we were part of a happy family. That's so unfair on a child. The saddest part is we were happy when my father wasn't around. I often used to dread him coming home as my mother turned into a completely different, angry and unhappy person when he did.

My mother was in an unhappy marriage with a controlling man and had little say over what did and did not happen. She often talked about whether she should leave , using me as a sounding board when quite a young child. I was wise beyond my years. I remember how impatient and disappointed I felt with her that she never had the guts to do it. She lost my respect and I've never had a good relationship with her, partly because of that. What she modelled was a beaten down woman with no autonomy, trying to appease him all the time, yet slagging him off to her children behind his back. It was hugely damaging to me and my siblings. I think my brother has been hugely traumatised by our childhood. If she had left life would have been hard, but at least it would have been authentic.

Parents using their children as sounding boards, confidants, therapists is so damaging and has a profound long term affect.

Children love their parents and listen but do not have the emotional capacity and maturity to understand what is being told to them.
All they take on is, parent is unhappy, I can't help and stress.

Huge emotional overload for a child.
Pure stress.
It leads to anxiety and depression in the adult child.

It is so wrong and selfish and utterly robs a child of their childhood.

Yes it had that effect on me . She didn’t have any friends and her family was abroad. That doesn’t excuse it of course. She treats me quite differently to my younger siblings who weren’t in that position. No acknowledgement of the role I was forced to play.

Also years ago shame when a marriage wasn't good precluded women from reaching out so their children, usually daughter's were the huge casualty in the situation.

It's hard to convey the damage to a young childs spirit and sense of their world.

They end up being the "fixer's" in their family and lives through being so burdened and unable to help their parent.

Clusterfxxk.

Therapy is a great tool to help understand the damage it does and to move on from it.

@Littlesthobo84

I’m still here. It’s impossible to say which is worst for my children - I understand that you are all seeing it differently but I’m living the everyday. I don’t see any sign that they are desperately unhappy and I am unsure if splitting whilst they are still young would be more damaging. It’s a long time before my dd will get a voice in it all.

OP you won't see the signs until your daughters are in abusive relationships and making excuses as to why they should stay there.

They learn from their parents what normal life is like. They think this is normal, why would they complain. They will just follow your footsteps into unhappy marriages.

This is why everyone is telling you to do it for your children.

But you won't.

But if you read the studies around children from separated families they aren’t good either.
There’s no good option here.

OP,

An abusive home can in no way be compared to that of a home where one loving parent is doing their best.

One of my son's has a friend from a single parent home.

Not separated, but bereavement.

His Mum has raised 4 children for the past 10 years and they are all great children.

Similarly my husband's colleague has raised 3 great children after his wife died of breast cancer.

Single parents do wonderful jobs raising children, though I have no doubt it is hard.

Not in any way comparable to an abusive home IMO.

I think many many relationships break down because one partner is abusive to some extent. Those DC them do not fair we'll because of the abuse they have already suffered, the emotional blackmail/abuse that carries on or because the non-resident parent gives no fucks about their DC.

I would love to see recent studies which compares emotionally abusive families that stay together versus split. You can only compare like with like.

@Littlesthobo84

But if you read the studies around children from separated families they aren’t good either. There’s no good option here.

You need to pick the least worse. Which is leaving.

You've already said that it's how it would affect you which is stopping you. You need to put the child's needs first, not yours. Yes, you will feel heartbroken when they are not with you. Unfortunately, that's unavoidable. You will adapt, you will be a steady parent with good boundaries and they will feel safe and loved.

If you stay, they won't feel safe and loved. They will copy your behaviour and twist themselves into all sorts of anguish to try and please him.

Leaving is the hardest decision. Once that decision is made everything else can follow. It will be tough but with support, advice and a shit hot lawyer, you could be looking at a happy future for you and your children.

If you stay you are like the clog in the drain, blocking everything from moving on but stubbornly insisting it's the right thing to do. I get it. It's scary, it's terrifying, it's overwhelming and it's far easier to just stay iin one spot, immobilised. But it's honestly not the best choice for your children. Really, it's not.