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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help me stay in my marriage.

603 replies

Littlesthobo84 · 19/03/2021 16:37

Just that really.
Late 30s, husband late 40s, it’s ok and plods along. We don’t row. He says he is perfectly happy. We don’t have sex. He won’t use condoms or get a vasectomy - he wants to risk timing. I won’t risk timing because I’ve had two high risk really difficult pregnancies already and although given my age it’s probably not likely my cycles are still regular and normal so it’s possible.
He says either I take the pill or we risk timing and I’ve taken the pill before and don’t want to be on it forevermore. I have migraines with aura and cannot take oestrogen based hormone medication. I took the mini pill for a long time before the children.
I don’t think I even want to have sex with him anyway and presumably it’s mutual because he’s not fussed about the vasectomy that he’s been mentioning for the past six years but not done anything about. We are nearly six years since we last had sex now. God, that’s even worse when written down.
I’m depressed about it, I feel checked out, but I don’t hate him. I care about him. I love my children. They are happy. My life is very separate to DH and always has been but my children are happy.
I just need to wait it out another 12/13 years until dd is 18. Remind me how the grass isn’t greener.

OP posts:
Littlesthobo84 · 23/03/2021 20:00

My parents are worried about my dc being with my DH without me.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/03/2021 20:02

Well it sounds like he won't actually want to have much time with them if you do split tbh

Embracelife · 23/03/2021 20:10

Let me take dc1 to football every Sunday morning "hilst I was pregnant and being sick 24 hours a day whilst he stayed in bed."

Good grief

So this on its own is enough to break up a marriage and it all does not sounds petty.

YNK · 23/03/2021 20:11

@Littlesthobo84

The rest of the money? I would take as little as possible from him.
Why on earth would you do that to you and your children?

If you are married you have a claim to half of the marital assets - unless you are a lot less invested in your marriage 'in your head' than you admit, it's yours!

category12 · 23/03/2021 20:11

@Littlesthobo84

My parents are worried about my dc being with my DH without me.
Why? You keep downplaying what a crap dad he is and telling us he loves them, so why would your parents be worried about them?
YNK · 23/03/2021 20:18

Sorry for my previous post op. I hadn't RTFT.

You have been beaten down by an abusive arsehole!
LTB and get all the papers ready to get everything your children are entitled to - he will not honour them voluntarily.
You may be brainwashed into thinking you are worthless but you need to get a sensible head on for your kids.
This marriage is not survivable for them as well as you!

AnnaMagnani · 23/03/2021 20:23

The comments about sex are off putting, however I think probably lots of couples speak privately to each other in that sort of way?

No, they don't. The comments are vile and abusive.

The more you write about him, the more I realise you have no concept of a normal relationship.

I'd really recommend the `Freedom Programme to you to see what a normal relationship is like. Don't get put off thinking 'well, he doesn't hit me' - he doesn't need to hit you. You do everything in your life to please him, even what sofa he sits on.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Puffalicious · 23/03/2021 20:32

OP you've had great advice- listen to ALL of it. So many people are saying he's abusive, they can't all be wrong.

I just wanted to say that life doesn't need to be reduced for you or the children. My boys were only 2 and 4 when I separated and then divorced. They were both very connected to me, particularly the wee one, but they were and are, 12 years later, with me 5 nights a week.

Now, they have a good father. We didn't work as husband and wife but he's a good man. You CAN say you want them 5 nights a week, I did. You CAN make this work, you can.

Littlesthobo84 · 23/03/2021 20:42

It’s just when I think about not being with them, especially my little one, it makes my heart feel like it might break. I will be worried about her. The thought of her wanting me and being sad and my not being there is too hard - particularly when I’ve caused the sadness.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/03/2021 20:48

Your H has caused the sadness!!! He is the one being abusive and shit not you.

If he says he wants them EOW and you are super enthusiastic about it so you can go out and socialise he will soon do a U turn and not want to have them.

It sounds like again you making excuses to not end it, YOU not hurting for your DC takes priority over not removing them from living with an abuser 24/7???

Puffalicious · 23/03/2021 21:15

But you haven't caused the sadness. He has.

category12 · 23/03/2021 21:23

@Littlesthobo84

It’s just when I think about not being with them, especially my little one, it makes my heart feel like it might break. I will be worried about her. The thought of her wanting me and being sad and my not being there is too hard - particularly when I’ve caused the sadness.
But you're not thinking about the long term effects here. It's a lot sadder to grow up thinking this is what life for women is like, and to recreate it in her own future. It's a lot sadder and guilt-inducing to grow up and realise your mother was miserable your entire childhood and your homelife was a farce. It's a lot sadder to spend your entire childhood with a man who can't be arsed with you and consequent feelings of worthlessness in adulthood.

Say she goes to her dad EOW, and sometimes she misses you - she might be sad for a bit but she'll adapt to it and know she'll be back with you soon. He will have an opportunity to step up and be a decent dad instead of opting out as he does out of laziness. And when she's home with you, she will have a happy secure safe loving home where she's important.

AnnaMagnani · 23/03/2021 21:41

Is it not sadder for her to grow up thinking that this is what relationships are like? That she must adapt and make way at all times, get shouted at, her male partner will be the boss, she has no say over anything and must do her best to do what he says and to hell with what she wants?

Meanwhile your boy is learning something possibly even worse - how to treat a woman in a relationship. yes, he loves his mum but he doesn't think you are in charge of anything. When he starts dating what model does he have to follow? Bloke does the bare minimum, has sex whenever he wants, shouts and woman does as she is told.

Be honest, are these really the adults you want your children to grow up in to?

You need to get them away from him. You will get >50:50 given he currently does fuck all with them. They need to see that this is not how life is lived or people behave - and so do you.

Fabiofatshaft1 · 23/03/2021 23:24

Rolling eyes 🙄

iswearalotless · 24/03/2021 00:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

YNK · 24/03/2021 01:59

He will teach your children that you are a doormat.
They will learn from you that he has to be appeased at all costs.
They will become his flying monkeys.

This is what you want for them?

ravenmum · 24/03/2021 08:29

None of it on its own is enough to break up a marriage and it all sounds petty.
Hm, seemingly endless trickles of information describing a totally heartless, selfish bastard, but with this kind of thing dropped in too. And OP's other thread from 23 March describes another, worse situation that she hasn't bothered to mention here.
If you're not making it up, OP, you should speak to your GP. Good luck.

FlorenceinSummer · 24/03/2021 09:25

You keep saying you want to keep the family together for the kids, but you are (desparately) unhappy. Is this really the future you want your kids to have? How you are in your relationship is something the kids will emmulate as they get older. If they see you being treated badly by the person who "loves" you (even emotionally) they will see that behaviour as how love should be. I watched my mum being unhappy with my dad, and was pleased when she finally left him (I was 10) I was devistated when she managed to start another relationship with a man with exactly the same issues as my dad. Patterns once taught can't easily be replaced.

Cocogreen · 24/03/2021 10:30

OP I’ve seen my share of bad marriages and shit husbands ( family and friends) but yours truly sounds one of the worst. I’m sure your arsehole husband wouldn’t want the littlest one overnight because he’d have to actually lift a finger. Please don’t stay with him.

Notagain20 · 24/03/2021 10:45

@FlorenceinSummer

You keep saying you want to keep the family together for the kids, but you are (desparately) unhappy. Is this really the future you want your kids to have? How you are in your relationship is something the kids will emmulate as they get older. If they see you being treated badly by the person who "loves" you (even emotionally) they will see that behaviour as how love should be. I watched my mum being unhappy with my dad, and was pleased when she finally left him (I was 10) I was devistated when she managed to start another relationship with a man with exactly the same issues as my dad. Patterns once taught can't easily be replaced.
I'm not sure that the OP is very unhappy, that's part of the problem we're having trying to explain why it's not a healthy environment for her kids. It increasingly reads to me like she is using the kids as an excuse to stay in a marriage that suits her, maybe because it's all she's known or because she doesn't feel comfortable being more intimate (sexually or emotionally) with someone. And there can be something reassuring about knowing you're the Good Parent, knowing that your spouse is a bit shitter than you. I'm not wanting to blame the victim, but there is no point in explaining how crap this marriage is when it actually meets the OPs needs, in one way or another.

I'm sorry to hearyyour mum made another bad relationship decision,I can imaginehow awfulthat must have been💐

Notagain20 · 24/03/2021 10:47

@Littlesthobo84

It’s just when I think about not being with them, especially my little one, it makes my heart feel like it might break. I will be worried about her. The thought of her wanting me and being sad and my not being there is too hard - particularly when I’ve caused the sadness.
You might have to let your heart break, for the good of your kids and for your self respect.
Embracelife · 24/03/2021 13:13

@Littlesthobo84

It’s just when I think about not being with them, especially my little one, it makes my heart feel like it might break. I will be worried about her. The thought of her wanting me and being sad and my not being there is too hard - particularly when I’ve caused the sadness.
Yet you keep saying he is a great and loving dad. So she will be fine with him.

Decide which it is.

But if he is not such a great dad you will know and can support her and by about 12 she can vote with her feet.

HulaChick · 25/03/2021 07:54

I thought I could last in my marriage until both my children finished school. Sexless marriage for 10 years (not even a kiss), but kind, loyal DH who 's a good father but was away a lit for work. I gradually became more and more detached from him emotionally over the years, my self esteem plummeted massively and I felt incredibly low and then I woke up to myself & realised I had to do something 'now' as I wasn't getting a y younger, and although I'd put it off for years and years because I too didn't want t to hurt my DH or children, I realised that I really, truly couldn't carry on like that anymore. Am now going through divorce process, which isn't easy, and I've been accused of being inordinately selfish and putting my own needs above everyone else's but as pp's have said, you only get one life. Don't give it up to a situation that doesn't make you truly happy. I'm hoping me & STBXDH will be able to be amicable as we both love our DC's dearly but it's very hard atm, yet still worth it. You are worth more than making a sacrifice of yourself.

Lostinsurburbia · 25/03/2021 09:01

Hulachick your story really resonates with me. I’m on the verge of leaving a similar relationship. How old are your children and how did they react may I ask?

Dery · 25/03/2021 09:31

“Is it not sadder for her to grow up thinking that this is what relationships are like? That she must adapt and make way at all times, get shouted at, her male partner will be the boss, she has no say over anything and must do her best to do what he says and to hell with what she wants?

Meanwhile your boy is learning something possibly even worse - how to treat a woman in a relationship. yes, he loves his mum but he doesn't think you are in charge of anything. When he starts dating what model does he have to follow? Bloke does the bare minimum, has sex whenever he wants, shouts and woman does as she is told.

Be honest, are these really the adults you want your children to grow up in to?”

This with bells on. I think a previous poster nailed it - there are reasons why staying in this marriage suits you. All the reasons you have given for not leaving are really about you - you’d miss them hugely; what if they missed you (answer: they’re young but not tiny - they can call; they can tell you what they’re feeling; you can explain they’ll be away for a very short time; you offer lovely shared times for when they’re with you). You are staying for your own reasons which have you at their heart. You are determined to find reasons why it’s the right thing to do when actually it sounds like the wrong thing to do. Own that you’re doing this for your own reasons (which may well be valid). Just don’t pin it on your children and make out you’re doing it for them.

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