Help me stay in my marriage.

[Littlesthobo84]

Just that really.
Late 30s, husband late 40s, it’s ok and plods along. We don’t row. He says he is perfectly happy. We don’t have sex. He won’t use condoms or get a vasectomy - he wants to risk timing. I won’t risk timing because I’ve had two high risk really difficult pregnancies already and although given my age it’s probably not likely my cycles are still regular and normal so it’s possible.
He says either I take the pill or we risk timing and I’ve taken the pill before and don’t want to be on it forevermore. I have migraines with aura and cannot take oestrogen based hormone medication. I took the mini pill for a long time before the children.
I don’t think I even want to have sex with him anyway and presumably it’s mutual because he’s not fussed about the vasectomy that he’s been mentioning for the past six years but not done anything about. We are nearly six years since we last had sex now. God, that’s even worse when written down.
I’m depressed about it, I feel checked out, but I don’t hate him. I care about him. I love my children. They are happy. My life is very separate to DH and always has been but my children are happy.
I just need to wait it out another 12/13 years until dd is 18. Remind me how the grass isn’t greener.

I do understand that people think I should leave but in real life it’s rarely that easy.
Also please bear in mind he is my only experience really of an adult relationship.
And lots of it is little stuff which in and of itself isn’t anything much. Things like when we’ve been on holiday and on the plane I’ve sat between the two dc and he’s sat over the aisle and plugged himself into whatever he’s watching or gone to sleep. Or both. That the tv is his and we have to watch hours of what he wants. He will sometimes put on things we both like but it would never be something just I like. That he has his own sofa and makes anyone sitting on it move, when he finishes work. When we ate out and the dc were small he’d always just start eating his whilst I cut up food and sorted the kids. That he refused to change a dirty nappy - could just about manage if only wet, perhaps five or six times in total.
I don’t know if those things are normal or not - I suspect possibly they are but I don’t know and no one is perfect, everyone could moan about their partner.

@Littlesthobo84

I do understand that people think I should leave but in real life it’s rarely that easy. Also please bear in mind he is my only experience really of an adult relationship. And lots of it is little stuff which in and of itself isn’t anything much. Things like when we’ve been on holiday and on the plane I’ve sat between the two dc and he’s sat over the aisle and plugged himself into whatever he’s watching or gone to sleep. Or both. That the tv is his and we have to watch hours of what he wants. He will sometimes put on things we both like but it would never be something just I like. That he has his own sofa and makes anyone sitting on it move, when he finishes work. When we ate out and the dc were small he’d always just start eating his whilst I cut up food and sorted the kids. That he refused to change a dirty nappy - could just about manage if only wet, perhaps five or six times in total. I don’t know if those things are normal or not - I suspect possibly they are but I don’t know and no one is perfect, everyone could moan about their partner.

These aren't little, normal or acceptable things in healthy relationships. At all.

Basically, if there is a thing that makes his life more difficult, it's your job and not his.

If one of you needs to be inconvenienced, it's you.

If one of you needs to put in more effort to make things calm and 'ok' for the kids, it's you.

If he had to put any effort into the family life, he would opt out of it. He's essentially doing so by not actively doing anything other than being around.

Your son knows this, which is why he has asked you if you'd be financially ok to house and feed them if his dad left. He knows his dad isn't there because he genuinely wants to be. He's there because it's the done thing and he can get away with doing the absolute bare minimum.

I promise you, this is not what a healthy happy relationship looks like.

Your kids see a woman looking after the kids despite a man being present, because he is busy listening to or watching stuff. Your kids see a man having autonomous control of the most day to day stuff like the TV instead of treating it like something a family chat about then enjoy together.

Your kids are learning that men are in charge, women should keep the peace, placate men, regulate men's moods, allow those moods to dictate the mood of the house and that women should do the childcare too.

Oh lord he sounds like my stbex
The after school club thing
The aeroplane thing
The meals out
The nappy

Not normal.
Poor children.

One parent with zero interest in them, the other in denial and trying to convince herself otherwise.

You know the truth OP.
You know well.
How else would you have so many perfect examples of a horrible man, husband, and excuse of a father.

I really hope you find the strength for your children to put them first.

@Littlesthobo84 no his behaviour isn't "normal" it's lazy and misogynistic.

When we were both home we both did whatever parenting needed doing. DH would quite often take the DC out on his own, by that I mean most weekends - 3 of them all within an age gap of just over 3 years.

He read the most bedtime stories and did the most baths because they are bits of parenting I particularly don't like.

We would both cut up the food for them, one each until it was all ready to go.

When I went back to work after being a SAHM he took on major domestic chores - the laundry and food planning/shopping/cooking.

Sure he has hobbies and has weekends away, so do I!!! We are both capable of running the house and parenting so if either of us died practically life would carry on ticking over.

He even does parents evening booking appointments and attending, dentist and orthodontist appointments or doctors.

I have my spot on the sofa now they are teens but when they were little we all just piled on. TV we would watch stuff with the DC and after they went to bed we would watch stuff together sometimes more my thing sometimes more his.

We never had sky because he loves watching sports and he refused to pay £££ we couldn't really afford and he new he would be too tempted to hide in our bedroom and watch it.

It's seems like you have zero examples of what your H does for your DC. I struggle to find what DH doesn't/didn't do?

Once they weren't breastfed he did his share at night time, more than me in the end as he could get back to sleep better and I did the bulk of getting up first until they were at secondary school and now he is the one checking they are up.

But splitting for any of those reasons is ridiculous - it’s just not bad enough. People would think I’m crazy.
It erodes me a bit though, I suppose. I feel like my place is last. DH often announces I’m the boss but I feel like it’s hollow. I don’t want to be the boss anyway, I just want to be equal.
Other stuff like when we’ve been on holiday and the kids are choosing something as a souvenir in the shop with their pocket money he’ll just announce ‘I’m not standing around here any longer’ and waltz off to go and sit outside on his phone - I know men don’t like shopping but it’s somehow the tone of it. Or he’ll just walk off in front of us.
Let me take dc1 to football every Sunday morning whilst I was pregnant and being sick 24 hours a day whilst he stayed in bed.

None of it on its own is enough to break up a marriage and it all sounds petty.

He plays football with them occasionally. Maybe once a fortnight?
When on holiday he will do stuff with ds.

He’s never done getting up in the night. Now in the mornings I get up at 6am, sort both dc and get ready to go to work for 8am and take them both to breakfast club and he doesn’t get up til I’m leaving.

It's not normal. He's like a spoilt child.

It doesn't sound petty. He's a shit dad. He's a shit husband. You're miserable.

He wouldn’t take ds to parties and stuff like that at weekends. He said he wasn’t spending his weekend at soft play. Hasn’t been an issue for dd because I’ve covid but some weekends I’d end up at a soft play party both days 😂

Being unhappy is enough of a reason to end.

Your DC being shown they do not matter to him daily is enough of a reason.

Doing no parenting is enough of a reason.

Not sharing the domestic and mental load is enough of a reason.

Being a misogynist is enough of a reason.

Refusing to look after the DC so you can have child free time is enough of a reason.

Refusing to give you intimacy is enough of a reason.

Only having sex on his terms is enough of a reason.

The sexually inappropriate comments are enough of a reason.

Your DC getting shouted at us enough of a reason.

You all walking on egg shells is enough of a reason.

I can't actually see anything positive to counterbalance all the negatives???

I think in a lot of marriages, people fall into traditional roles but I'd say most people would aim for 50-50 share of all domestic stuff and children stuff

OP what would you say he DOES bring to the marriage?

My DAd was similar to your DH.

It's left me with a shit load of mental health issues.couldn't understand why my parents had kids as I felt a complete inconvenience as ultimately my Mum went along with what suited my Dad and I lost all respect for by the time I was a teen.

firedog he says all the right stuff, and then when it’s not as he says I don’t know whether it’s me or him. Like he said he’d support me with taking on more work but then that doesn’t seem to mean actually doing anything. He says he worries about my health because I have a long term chronic condition but he doesn’t to anything that actually helps. He says he loves the dc and me and we are his world but I don’t feel it.
But maybe he believes it and that’s his reality.

It's easy to say stuff, but the reality is, he doesn't show it or act on it.

He's actually a very selfish, self-absorbed person who doesn't care about anything above his own convenience. You and the children are way down on his priority list.

And no, all men and all marriages are not like this.

@RandomMess Exactly the same for me. My mother thought myself and my two brothers would admire her for staying...quite the opposite. She made our childhoods a misery because she valued her marriage more than her children. I've never loved or respected either of my parents. You can imagine the difficulties that has caused (still causes) me in my adult relationships...

It doesn't sound petty and should be enough to break up over. I'm not sure how many more people will tell you it's not normal before you may believe it.

It's not an equal partnership. You watch the tv that he wants, no one gets to sit on his sofa, he won't look after his own children, never changed dirty nappies. He leaves you to get the kids ready every morning and doesn't get up until you have left for work. It all sounds so utterly miserable. This is not a normal relationship.

You say you have nothing to compare it to. You've had hundreds of posts from women saying this is not normal, that you should expect more.

We have nothing to gain either way if you stay or leave. All we can do is show you this is not a normal loving relationship. Relationships do not all go this way. Most people have loving partners who take an equal part in family life, who do their fair share, who want to spend time with their children (even the annoying/boring bits), who would love to see their kids before they go to school.

All we can do is show you that you deserve more from your husband and your kids deserve more from their Dad. That this is going to eat away at you until you have no idea who you are. You sound so defeated and so passive. Find your anger, for you, for your kids. Don't condemn yourself to this drudgery and your kids to their father's indifference to them for years.

Your son has already spoken about his father leaving. He knows that this is not right. If nothing else this, from your own son, should tell you things as they are are not right. He feels it, and it doesn't sit right with him, whatever you try and tell yourself they are happy. Kids are not stupid. They pick up on all feelings, tension, who causes it.

I wish you could find the strength to see that your marriage is not healthy and your kids will not benefit from living like this until you leave once they've left home.

@Littlesthobo84

But splitting for any of those reasons is ridiculous - it’s just not bad enough. People would think I’m crazy. It erodes me a bit though, I suppose. I feel like my place is last. DH often announces I’m the boss but I feel like it’s hollow. I don’t want to be the boss anyway, I just want to be equal. Other stuff like when we’ve been on holiday and the kids are choosing something as a souvenir in the shop with their pocket money he’ll just announce ‘I’m not standing around here any longer’ and waltz off to go and sit outside on his phone - I know men don’t like shopping but it’s somehow the tone of it. Or he’ll just walk off in front of us. Let me take dc1 to football every Sunday morning whilst I was pregnant and being sick 24 hours a day whilst he stayed in bed.

None of it on its own is enough to break up a marriage and it all sounds petty.

He's a cunt OP.

And ok one of those instances happening once, even a couple of times might not be 'reason enough' to break up over but all of them put together all the time are plenty of reason.

And you don't need any reason other than not wanting to be married to a misogynist anymore or model this relationship dynamic to your children. They're listening and learning.

That day you took your son to football and your husband didn't... he learned weekends are for dads to do what dads want to do but weekends are for mums to do whatever dad doesn't want to do and whatever children need a parent to do.

You're default parent. They will think that's what a woman is supposed to be.

I appreciate the reaction on here may have been a bit of a shock to you but honestly, the way he's behaved in general isn't just a bit rubbish, it's really cunty, selfish and nasty.

He's not a good dad. He's a shit dad.

Like I said love is actions not words.

Words are meaningless without deeds.

Words can gaslight you, words lie. Deeds don't.

I agree with the above poster. My mother also dated for the sake of the children. It made our lives a misery and was a really bad template for us growing up.
This man is a selfish shit. Why on earth would you tolerate this? I really fail to see why you stay other than because you don’t want to disrupt the children.

Stayed not dated!

Your little girl is 5.

Do you want her to grow up believing mummies do everything around the house, do everything with the children and get treated like second-class citizens in their own homes, while everything revolves around the grumpy shouty man of the house?

Is that the kind of man you want to see her marry?

Your detailed comprehensive list of his behaviour is truly shocking.

He is beyond awful as a father and husband.

Your relationship bar is below ground.

OP, you are in an abusive marriage. My late husband did all the things you’ve said your does. He would say he’d do this and that but never did, actions speak louder than words. He put himself first in everything. I did everything to do with the children, the cooking, washing, cleaning and I worked full time in more hours than he did. He also denied me affection and intimacy, because for years he was paying prostitutes and being a ‘sugar daddy’ while my children and me lived on his dictated tight budget and missed out on so much. Psychologists I saw after he died considered him a covert narcissist. OP, the undercurrent of misery and stress walking on eggshells resulted in a serious disability, which I expect has been brought forward by decades. After he died I barely had to make any changes because I was already living as a single parent. My advice is to get out now before he completely ruins your life. You are young, whether or not you partner up again is irrelevant, you have to give yourself permission to be happy. And your parents can get lost, mine are the same, they just didn’t want the ‘shame’ of a divorced daughter.