So I’m 2 weeks postnatal and he’s just had a go at me that we’ve not done anything sexual..

[Coveredindaisies]

I’m gobsmacked. Apparently I make him feel invisible. I’m breastfeeding round the clock. I’m knackered. I lost my mum 2 months ago and feel down and full of grief. I thought I was doing ok: I cuddle him when I’ve finally got the baby down to sleep. I feel overwhelmed having a new baby but I’m just about keeping on top of everything. He said he runs around all day and I should want to do something for him. Sat in tears wondering whether I should be considering breaking my family up before my son even turns one month old because it turns out my husband is an arse. What would you do in my situation? All I could do when he said this to me was burst out in tears and tell him it was massively unfair. But in actual fact I genuinely feel like this is LTB stuff. Sorry for the rant. I’d just like some perspective on whether it’ll right and it is indeed outrageous.

So sorry OP. What you need is supportive partner right now. MY DH tried it on two weeks after out first was born. I made it clear it wasn't happening and he was fine with it. I think he had managed to forget a I had a bunch of stitches, silly man. But the difference in reaction between my DH and yours is huge.

@Aquamarine1029

You know thinking about this this isn’t a one off. It’s a pattern of behaviour about him and his needs.

I was confident of this before you even said so. Decent men do not just come out with something so cruel and selfish out of the blue. I would not go to your mum's, I would stay in your home and kick the disgusting prick out of it. Permanently.

This, exactly.

I, also, was sure there would be other signs of entitled behaviour from him. It's a common pattern for abusive behaviour to begin in pregnancy and ramp up after a child is born.

OP, I would kick him out, don't be the one to leave. And where he goes is his problem to sort.

I am genuinely shocked. I'm so so sorry for the loss of your mum. So sad.

I honestly don't think I could remain with him. I would feel so so hurt. He isn't a man, he's immature, selfish, needy and an utter bastard for making you feel as he has.

As someone else said, what would your mum advise you to do?

@Coveredindaisies

He got more worked up when I burst out in tears. Apparently doesn’t have to be full sex but I could at least touch him...

Definitely not full sex before 6 weeks. You have a huge healing wound in your uterus.

I’m so sorry that your husband is being such a jerk. Do you have any mutual male friends who are Dad’s who could have a word with him about his ridiculous expectations?

I’m so sorry that you’ve lost your mum. 💕 You must be utterly overwhelmed dealing with your grief and having just given birth.

I would say what your husband is doing is unforgivable. He shouldn’t be pressuring you like this at any time but it’s definitely LTB territory when he knows what you are dealing with. I think it takes a very, very cold, selfish and manipulative type of man to do this. He should be supporting you at this very emotional time but instead he’s adding extra stress and making you feel more alone. It’s abusive behaviour.

I think it’s a good idea to go to your mums flat, take some time to think.

Your feelings are completely normal. He should be feeling very protective over you at the moment, instead he’s thinking of himself only. I feel very angry for you as someone I know also went through an almost identical situation. Shes stayed with him and he’s got worse. She had another child with him, whenever the kids were sick or she is just exhausted with life, it’s still all about whether he was getting sex. He’s moody and doesn’t speak to her if he doesn’t get his way. His mood with the kids is affected by whether he’s got some the night before which is just sickening. She hates him and is miserable. He’s not a good father because he’s incapable of putting his children’s needs first. Their eldest already says he hates him.

Think very carefully, he’s capable of doing this to you when you are very vulnerable. What would you advise a friend to do?

Is this man a fucking moron. Tell him to fuck off and be a decent human and concentrate on his new child. I'd be fuming with him and he'd know about it. Tell him to go for a wank if he's that desperate!

Men can be so selfish. About three weeks after i had my child, i had a bath and walked into the bedroom and husband pushed me onto the bed and "helped himself"! It wasn't until i joined Mumsnet that i realised that "Marital Rape" existed.

@ScarfaceCwaw

It’s not recommended to have sex for six weeks after giving birth

There's no fixed period and you can have sex again as soon as you feel ready unless medically advised otherwise. The "you feeling ready" bit is the critical bit though. Six months is too soon it the woman who has given birth isn't ready.

No its 6 weeks due to the risk of air embolus in the uterus-air can enter the blood vessels during sex. Very rare but women have died from this.

Aside from that OP your DH is a nasty selfish prick.
Jesus mine was terrified he would hurt me and understood that I was sore, knackered and mostly concerned with my baby.
Tell him to fuck off.

I lost my dad 6 weeks ago to Covid. My husband has not once even suggested sex or anything intimate. I just couldn't right now I'm still really grieving and all over the place emotionally. Honestly I don't think I could stay with someone that thought with their dick like that especially considering you have just had a baby🥺. I hope your ok❤️

@ScarfaceCwaw

It’s not recommended to have sex for six weeks after giving birth

There's no fixed period and you can have sex again as soon as you feel ready unless medically advised otherwise. The "you feeling ready" bit is the critical bit though. Six months is too soon it the woman who has given birth isn't ready.

Advice may have changed in the 20 years since I gave birth but it definitely used to be the recommended time scale. Obviously even then it was up to the individual woman as to how she feels.

So he's been nagging you for sex before now? And he doesn't support you after the loss of your mum? Yeah, that isn't forgivable. Sling him out.

So he is showing his true colours now your baby has arrived. Expecting you to service him as the poor man is feeling neglected. Any decent man would be wanting to support his wife especially as you have recently lost your mum. You say the house is yours....i do hope you have protected it given it appears your married

@Coveredindaisies if youre married to him, you need legal advice regarding the house and your inheritance.

As a pp I would be really straight and say I pushed a fucking baby out of my vagina 14 days ago, I have had part of my body stitched back together and now have a baby practically surgical attached to my boob. Can you please explain what part of that makes me feel sexy!? He's being ridiculously selfish. I would definitely take some time to yourself to think about what you want going forward

There is something (many things) wrong with HIM and not you. Awful man.

@Coveredindaisies

Thank you all. You know thinking about this this isn’t a one off. It’s a pattern of behaviour about him and his needs. He’s been monumentally selfish. I do have friends around to support me yes but obvs with Covid not seeing much of them. I might actually take myself off to my mums flat wit the baby and Moses basket this weekend. It’s sitting empty after her death waiting for me to clear it and sell it. Have not felt up to going there but I’m sure some space would help right now. Thanks for all your supplies. When you are tired it’s hard to know if you are really being selfish or if it’s not you.

Please don't let him push you out of your home.

Going up there will be very emotional for you and two weeks pp that's not what you need.

If you want space, and you totally should because he's being a creepy and disrespectful pest, then he needs to leave for a while. Not you.

Oh OP! You know you're not unreasonable. I'm sorry about your mum.

Don't you leave. It's your house, and you need your home comforts right now. And don't pack for him either! He needs to get his shit and get out even if it is temporarily. That should make him realise of nothing else does, how awful he's being.

I could not tolerate being with a man like this. What a monumental shit.

I didn't have sex, or do anything sexual for nine weeks after my first birth. Twelve after my second. And I wasn't contending with grieving too. DH didn't even mention it really, and he was as knackered as I was! Even then the first time after first baby we had to stop because it was uncomfortable (I had a really terrible instrumental birth and basically got left with a Franken-vagina!). I said ouch, he leapt off me immediately, asked me if I was ok, said sorry (he'd done nothing wrong!) cuddled me and told me it fine we'd try again when I felt up to it. He was mortified at the thought that he'd hurt me. Which wasn't for weeks and weeks, months probably I can't even remember now.

You do not need to be with someone who puts their needs nice yours like this. It's horrible.

It always used to be 6 weeks. Although not before you want to and sod him.

I’d leave him. I really would.

I had a really easy birth and we still didn’t have any sexual contact for about 8 weeks or so, I wasn’t really counting. I was exhausted, it was the last thing on my mind and DH could see that because he’s not a complete twat.

I am stunned that he can think this is ok. What a vile individual.

Hi OP, we’re 6 months and still nothing. My DH doesn’t even mention it, he knows I feel exhausted and not into it at all.
This isnt okay. If you are affectionate with him then that’s a lot 2 weeks after and when grieving. Do get some support and maybe it is time to consider your relationship. Apart from this does he make you happy? Xx

Tell him your happy to shove a red hot coconut up his arse to let him know exactly how your vagina is feeling right now!
He's a selfish knob.

I know one should not advocate violence but honestly my first response on reading your post was to think 'smack him round the head with a baguette'. What an utter plank. He's being ghastly and I don't blame you in the least for being upset by it.

The fact that he sees sex as a service that women provide, and men consume - and can "earn" , is horrible and demeans both of you - you and him.

How sad that it doesn't seem to occur to him that when you do (did) have sexual contact with him, its because you desire him (or, at least, used to...)

If he thinks you should do something for him in return for him keeping the place running, "thanks love' covers it nicely.

Maybe pop a couple of staples in his knob and then ask him if he still feels like sex.