So I’m 2 weeks postnatal and he’s just had a go at me that we’ve not done anything sexual..

[Coveredindaisies]

I’m gobsmacked. Apparently I make him feel invisible. I’m breastfeeding round the clock. I’m knackered. I lost my mum 2 months ago and feel down and full of grief. I thought I was doing ok: I cuddle him when I’ve finally got the baby down to sleep. I feel overwhelmed having a new baby but I’m just about keeping on top of everything. He said he runs around all day and I should want to do something for him. Sat in tears wondering whether I should be considering breaking my family up before my son even turns one month old because it turns out my husband is an arse. What would you do in my situation? All I could do when he said this to me was burst out in tears and tell him it was massively unfair. But in actual fact I genuinely feel like this is LTB stuff. Sorry for the rant. I’d just like some perspective on whether it’ll right and it is indeed outrageous.

And sorry for your loss. you deserve better than this.

It's a worry that anyone would need to spell anything out to him.

Male, female, you don't need to have given birth to know the state of a body and mind 2 weeks port-birth.

And not being naturally supportive is horrible.

Your partner hasn't gone through pregnancy and labour. You are not that tired after only 2 weeks with a baby, even when you are a bit sleep deprived. He has no excuse.

I would send him packing for a week or 2.

Dear OP, I'm really sorry for your loss at this crucial time in your life. Congratulations for bringing a baby into this world. I also hope that you will be kicking your (not D)P out. Selfishness has it limits. Pleased to know that you have support in RL. Please take care of yourself and baby. The Poor Dick can take care of itself, hopefully way away from you. Lots of unMumsnet hugs.

I really think you should do that OP. Not only is your husband utterly unsupportive but he’s actually making an incredibly tough time for you worse. You’ll probably find you’ll cope better with a bit of space, and maybe you can talk to your mum in a place where she surrounds you.

What an utterly selfish knobhead. You most definitely would not be over-reacting to show him the door.

Is he thick or just an utter selfish arse? My DH had to wait almost a year before I'd let him come near me. He wasn't entirely happy but as a grown up, he accepted it and got on with supporting me and being the best dad he could be.

Sounds like you've got two children there, not one!

I'd really strongly advise not making any life changing decisions when you are in such a fragile state. Being 2 weeks postpartum AND only 2 months since losing your mum, you need time and support.

How about showing your OH this thread and seeing what comes out if it. Having a child is such a massive life change it could just be that he needs a little time and a kick up the arse to get his priorities in order.

Don't get me wrong, he is being a complete and utter selfish dickhead....but you did decide to have a child with him so I'm assuming there must be some redeeming features to this man.

Rather than you having to uproot and go to your mum's flat, if you really need some space, shouldn't he be the one to move out for a while?

Tell him you'll have sex once he stops being a selfish dickhead and takes the baby for a full day while you have a decent rest in bed!
He sounds horrible.

You know thinking about this this isn’t a one off. It’s a pattern of behaviour about him and his needs.

I was confident of this before you even said so. Decent men do not just come out with something so cruel and selfish out of the blue. I would not go to your mum's, I would stay in your home and kick the disgusting prick out of it. Permanently.

What a selfish prick! Honesty - tell him to pack his own bag and fuck off. I can't believe the entitlement. You poor thing. Sounds like some time apart will do you both good.

OP I know you know this but I'm going to say it anyway. Men who are abusive often exert the most pressure when you are extremely vulnerable. Childbirth and bereavement being the obvious time. This is not a good man.

100% this, please take heed OP.

He is prioritising his orgasm over your recovery and wellbeing.
He could always sort himself out with the exact same result, so the fact he's pestering you to sort him out makes me think he's jealous of the time and energy going into caring for the baby and feels - a mere 14 days after he arrived - that it's his turn on you.

I'd give serious thoughts to whether this is a dynamic you want to be part of.

I’m so so sorry about your mum. I lost my mum recently too but if it had happened when I was pregnant with my first baby I just cannot imagine. I’m so sorry, OP

It’s not the first time he has raised it since my son was born.

You are 2 weeks post-partum - TWO WEEKS! - and it’s not the first time.

Outrageous doesn’t even cover it.

I’m sorry to say some men cannot cope with sharing their partner’s attention or affection when a baby is born.

I’m sorry to say some men see stepping up and being a responsible adult as some sort of transaction for which sex is their reward and right.

I’m sorry to say he seems like both the above apply to him.

Pack a bag.

Decide if it’s permanent when you’re better able to assess stuff and he’s had a chance to think about what an utter bastard he’s been. But send the message now because you know it won’t get better if you don’t.

Every mother here on MN and beyond supports you.

Do you really think it's worth splitting a family up? Yer he's a nob but come on.

A family where one partner doesn't respect the other, and thinks that his sexual release is more important than the mental health of the grieving woman who just gave birth? Yeah, I think it is better for kids not to be in that environment tbh.

I did a proper Oprah-Face when I read your post OP.

You poor thing, this is absolutely not on two weeks post-partum. You must be exhausted and the last thing you need is a man-child right now.

It sounds like he's very self-centred and another poster has said, probably jealous of the time the baby is taking up.

Men can show their true colours after pregnancy, thinking you are now trapped with them. It's hard to say whether this is a period of adjustment for him or whether he's just a completely selfish bastard who is not going to contribute meaningfully in any way bringing up your son and will constantly pester you for sex.

I think a few nights away at your mum's flat might give you some time and space to think - and also be close to your mum. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Ha. My child was over a year old! I spent nearly a year after birth in hospital

He’d of hated me. I’d say fuck of to him! Loudly and every single time he said it. Horrid man to say that to you! You don’t owe him anything. Regardless of what he says.

Congrats on your new born. How fustratiog for you hes actually being sexually coersive. When i had my DC my oh was happy to wait intil i was ready it took 3 months and he was happy to wait. How dare your OH suggest you be sexual with him when your not ready. Your not there to service his every need. Plus your nackered from caring for your baby. Does he help? Help round the house? Do nite feeds? Give you time to nap wen uyour knackered?

I lost my mum 2 months ago too. Sorry for your loss. It's so hard.

I'm so grief stricken and become tearful frequently.

I can't imagine having a new baby to cope with...then my DH behaving like yours. I would absolutely tell him to get lost.

Has he thought what it was like on Sunday, your first mothers day without your mum? Because I know how I felt. It was heart wrenching

Today I was crying and DH just held me. I'm so sorry your H is being an insensitive idiot. I don't think I could forgive such horrible selfish behaviour.

You're dealing with 2 major life events and he wants you to be sexual with him. Tell him to go and see a therapist...tell them his wife has lost her mum 2 months ago and she's just had a baby and she's not sexual with him and he's upset about it.

I'm absolutely fuming on your behalf.

Jesus. I'd ask him to leave. This sort of selfishness is just unforgivable imo.

So sorry OP, he sounds awful! Perhaps a solicitor rather than a grief counsellor would be more appropriate. I hope you pull through this and get happier (in whichever way you choose) and congrats on your baby.

Pack a bag for him and tell him to get out, though going to your Mum's flat might give you a wee break from him, I'm annoyed that he gets to stay put while you put yourself out on order to get away from him. I'd be worried about getting him out of your house tbh. I hope you're not married long and he doesn't have any claim to it as such.

I'm really so sorry for your loss. My DM came to stay for a couple of weeks when I had DS and I don't know how we would have managed without her. It must be very emotional having your DC without her. My DF died when I was pregnant and it did add an extra layer of sadness that he never saw the baby. I'm really sorry, OP.

Sorry if I have missed it, but are you married? If not, tell him to leave. If you are, you need legal advice. Whatever you do, don't leave your house. He should be the one to leave.

He sounds absolutely appalling. I am so sorry. Congratulations on your beautiful baby.

I am so sorry you have lost your mum. I can't imagine what a mix of emotions you must be feeling. What a horrible man to treat you so badly.

Oh OP I've never wanted to give someone on here a hug before but I wish I could.
What a horrible time for you.

Would it be worth speaking to your health visitor so she can advocate for you on your behalf? It might make him realise how much of a complete twat he is if a professional normalises how you're feeling. Not that you should have to, it should be fucking obvious you don't feel like being sexual after losing your mum, having a baby, dealing with the huge shift in hormones and being exhausted with a newborn. What a prick.

@Coveredindaisies - I agree with others and your gut. It's a prime LBT, he comes across as a selfish bastard who will never be better. Leave him.
Sorry to hear about your Mom.

2 weeks!!

And he feels you're neglecting his 'needs'. Fuck me.

Bless your heart. What a total selfish arsewipe. You need support right now not being made to feel guilty. I'm so angry on your behalf.

When I was 2 weeks pp the absolute last thing on my mind was pleasing my man. It was simply a case of making it through the day to be honest. And that was without any of the added grief you have had with losing your mum.

Anyone you can stay with for support, OP?