So I’m 2 weeks postnatal and he’s just had a go at me that we’ve not done anything sexual..

[Coveredindaisies]

I’m gobsmacked. Apparently I make him feel invisible. I’m breastfeeding round the clock. I’m knackered. I lost my mum 2 months ago and feel down and full of grief. I thought I was doing ok: I cuddle him when I’ve finally got the baby down to sleep. I feel overwhelmed having a new baby but I’m just about keeping on top of everything. He said he runs around all day and I should want to do something for him. Sat in tears wondering whether I should be considering breaking my family up before my son even turns one month old because it turns out my husband is an arse. What would you do in my situation? All I could do when he said this to me was burst out in tears and tell him it was massively unfair. But in actual fact I genuinely feel like this is LTB stuff. Sorry for the rant. I’d just like some perspective on whether it’ll right and it is indeed outrageous.

It is NOT normal. At all. Decent men do not do this

How was your trip to your Mum's flat op? I hope it brought you some peace and quiet and reflection time.

Putting thoughts in the mind of a woman 2 weeks pp to divorce is absurd and I'm sick of everyone on Mumsnet rushing to divorce with any issue posted on here. It is ridiculous. How he behaved wasn't right but it stems from jealousy. That is what I was stating. After some time things will normalise again. Do not rush to anything drastic right now. Let some time pass and see if your relationship gets back on track.

@Sunshine3013

Putting thoughts in the mind of a woman 2 weeks pp to divorce is absurd and I'm sick of everyone on Mumsnet rushing to divorce with any issue posted on here. It is ridiculous. How he behaved wasn't right but it stems from jealousy. That is what I was stating. After some time things will normalise again. Do not rush to anything drastic right now. Let some time pass and see if your relationship gets back on track.

Nah you don't know is it's jealousy. You don't know at all. Even if it was, that is NOT normal. So don't k eo what mond of men you are having children with. How is it absurd to suggest she divorce a selfish twat? Woman don't have to put up with this shit. Ever.

Why is it absurd to divorce someone when they’re acting like this? I would divorce my husband 2 days after having a baby if necessary. There’s no rushing to divorce that isn’t justified on mumsnet.

*kind of men that should say

@Sunshine3013

Putting thoughts in the mind of a woman 2 weeks pp to divorce is absurd and I'm sick of everyone on Mumsnet rushing to divorce with any issue posted on here. It is ridiculous. How he behaved wasn't right but it stems from jealousy. That is what I was stating. After some time things will normalise again. Do not rush to anything drastic right now. Let some time pass and see if your relationship gets back on track.

I think we should put it in the mind of every single woman who has a partner who tries to emotionally blackmail her into sexual acts.

Why?

Because its coercion and thats abusive.

It should be labelled as what it is rather than 'an acceptable level of jealousy'. Good grief this is an adult who should be respecting his partner and should have even the tiniest amount of empathy for someone who has just lost their mother and has had a baby.

It should absolutely not be ok to put the sexual desires of men above the emotional wellbeing of women. We are not here to service the dicks of men!

No we are not. But that deserves a sit down conversation and a heart to heart between the partners to discuss and resolve this issue. Not leave him at 2 weeks pp.

Good god op
What an utter knob
Mine would never get near me again ,if he tried that shite with me .
If this is his general attitude,I would be rethinking my future with him

@Sunshine3013

No we are not. But that deserves a sit down conversation and a heart to heart between the partners to discuss and resolve this issue. Not leave him at 2 weeks pp.

Wow you really will excuse it won't you? Yes, a heart to heart will fix it. Good old wife fixing it.

How do you resolve it? If you have to explain to a man post 2 weeks birth and grieving for your mother that he will have to wait for sex than you have a shit excuse for a husband. It will take more than a nice little chat.

Im sorry you’re going through this but frankly he is utterly selfish! Does he think you are just there to service his needs? What support has he shown you since you gave birth and lost your mum? He should be kind and supportive with no mention of sex! Your happy time with your new baby is tingled with sadness at the loss of your mum he should understand that, clearly he doesnt

OP said it’s a pattern of behaviour.

Even if it wasn’t until now. Abuse begins when the woman is pregnant/has a baby.

No women anywhere should put up with being coerced for sex, it’s abusive.

No woman should be making excuses for inexcusable behaviour.

He’s jealous of his own baby oh diddums give him sex because that’s what he is demanding regardless of how the OP feels physically and mentally after giving birth and losing her mother so recently.

Actually this is a LTB situation. And frankly I’m sick of the oooh MN is a hotbed of men haterz telling women to get divorced over teeny tiny things.
Sexual coercion is not a tiny thing it’s abuse and women should not put up with it. Ever.

OP pack the fuckers bag kick him out of your house, get yourself a shit hot lawyer, and lose the dead weight.

This is a grown adult man he should be expecting all attention to be on his new baby, he should be running around making life easier and comfortable for the woman who has just given birth to his baby and is healing from the birth. His focus should be entirely on his family.

I would take the baby & go to my mum’s place like you said you could.

Then at least she can be around in spirit with Surrounded by her memories & you can get some time away to not feel like you’re on some countdown to having to service this disgusting selfish person ?

My brother had a baby recently & just cannot imagine him being this way, he is besotted with his son & treats my SIL like a queen

This is so far from acceptable thinking

I wonder what other possible red flags there were or clues that give a hint he could turn so nasty

As others have said abuse can ramp up in times of commitment - moving in, wedding, pregnancy etc

Basically when they feel really comfortable the ugly comes out

Am enraged on your behalf that not only have you had to face losing your mum but your sad excuse for a partner has let you down so badly.

This is not fair & not on.

I don’t know how you could ever forget this comment. It would always be in the back of my mind causing resentment to grow

Tell him if he wants touching he's got a hand. You say this is a pattern of behaviour, maybe it's time to put a stop to it now once and for all x

Oh OP! Firstly congratulations on baby and I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. Your husband is being completely unrealistic, you are exhausted and have a newborn. Breastfeeding is really hard in the early weeks, too.

I have a 4 yr old and a 6 month old. We didn't have sex until 4yr old was 6 months and we still haven't had sex now with 6 month old! We are both exhausted, I have not once felt pressurised. Even if I did have the inclination, I literally don't know when we'd have time to.

As a typical MN saying 'lots of red flags' here. Be careful. It might be worth going to your mum's flat to take stock and evaluate things. You and your baby deserve better. Your husband shouldn't think with his pants and the fact he got more angry when he cried is ringing alarm bells. He should be looking after you, worshipping you even.

You can bubble with another household as you have a child under one - can you do that? So you have the support.

I hope you have the courage to leave him when things settle, it doesn't sound like he will change from what you have said.

I haven't read the full thread, but I didn't have sex for almost three months after my Dad died, it was traumatic and the last thing I wanted to do. My partner accepted this. Even without physical recovery after birth etc (2 weeks???!!!) I think its normal when you're grieving. Other friends opened up afterwards and told me it was similar for them after losing someone important.

I'm so sorry for you and hope you're doing okay.

A grown man being jealous of a newborn baby is not even close to being normal and you do not have to accept it. I am disgusted on your behalf. I'm so sorry.
Fathers step up and make sacrificed for the family.

Sacrifices

Your body and emotions are still recovering from birth, both of which can take months (not weeks) to feel more normal again. Add baby, little sleep and grief. It's natural to not be up for anything.

He is an idiot. Absolutely.

@Starlia Absolutely. My DH and I bedshare with our 10 month-old and he's been supportive of this from Day 1, even though of course it impacts on intimacy to an extent. We intend to bedshare for a while yet too.

@Slambam So your saying women make better SAHP's than men? That's absurd.

@Trustisamust Not really. There may be a tiny grain of nature in it (studies suggest this) and also society indoctrinates women into caring for others.

I'm not saying men shouldn't be just as good as caregivers, but the reality is a lot of them tend to be a bit crap at that stuff compared to women.

@me4real Well I can only comment on my husband and we share care of our daughter equally. We both work equal hours although I earn more as I have a postgrad qualifications whereas he didn't complete his degree. The only thing he can't do is breastfeed but that doesn't make me a better parent.