So I’m 2 weeks postnatal and he’s just had a go at me that we’ve not done anything sexual..

[Coveredindaisies]

I’m gobsmacked. Apparently I make him feel invisible. I’m breastfeeding round the clock. I’m knackered. I lost my mum 2 months ago and feel down and full of grief. I thought I was doing ok: I cuddle him when I’ve finally got the baby down to sleep. I feel overwhelmed having a new baby but I’m just about keeping on top of everything. He said he runs around all day and I should want to do something for him. Sat in tears wondering whether I should be considering breaking my family up before my son even turns one month old because it turns out my husband is an arse. What would you do in my situation? All I could do when he said this to me was burst out in tears and tell him it was massively unfair. But in actual fact I genuinely feel like this is LTB stuff. Sorry for the rant. I’d just like some perspective on whether it’ll right and it is indeed outrageous.

Well to be fair he didn't say what he wanted it to be touched with did he 🤔
hair straighteners, cup of hot tea.
He's ruining what should be a lovely time for the 3 of you. See if you can talk to a friend or a supportive family member. Take care 🤗

You are doing something for him. You are looking after his child, whilst grieving, and whilst he goes off to work, rather than taking paternity leave and supporting you both.

A holiday at your mum's flat, to give you a break from him, to snuggle up with your lo, breastfeed uninterrupted, and grieve in your own way sounds a really good idea.

This is definitely LTB territory, if ever there was one. I wouldn't go to your mother's flat, that is 'giving in', in a way. I would definitely pack a bag for him, tell him to not bother coming back until he is ready to stop being such a selfish and insensitive arsehole. Kick him out, don't you DARE leave! I wouldn't even be asking, his bag would have been packed hours ago. Just do it. Where he goes is his problem, and he can explain to people WHY he was kicked out.

Oh op it's not you at all! This is absolutely LTB stuff. I'm genuinely shocked, that is one of the worst things I've read on here. Two weeks pp?! You're meant to wait 6 for one thing, not to mention you're tired and grieving. I'm so sorry. He's a monumental c**t. Absolutely send his arse packing. You deserve SO much better x

Also agree with PP - why should you upheave yourself with a new baby?! You're more comfortable at home. Send him somewhere else, tell him to pack a bag and sod off.

"I tried to explain that I’m just not in the mood".

I would not even have explained. If he were my DH and spoke to me like that i would have handed him both his arses on a plate!!!

He clearly thinks he can "bring you round " by talking going on about it/manipulating you. A simple but definitive NO is all you need to say. Do not allow him to engage you in these conversations and do not allow him to make you feel like this.

Moving forward you will need to think if this is the man you and yr child want to be around. Give yourself some considerable time to come to terms with yr mums loss and your new baby. See how your new little family adjust.

For now , be more direct and forceful and final regarding your own needs now. If you want intimacy, have it when you are ready and want to. For now, no means no and don't allow him to witter on and dictate how you should feel, make you feel guilty or in any way different for not wanting sexual activity. He is using conversation about this to cajole you. Shut that conversation down before it starts, until you are ready.

I’m really sorry but I do think this is LTB territory. Especially given his response when you then cried. It took me over a year to LTB, single parenting was honestly so much easier than trying to parent a baby and a demanding, selfish man child.

Sadly I think lots of men think they are owed sex.

I knew one couple and they had an exchange rate. It was a BJ for doing the washing up and so on. I remember it coming out once on a women’s night out and everyone was just shocked and our friend thought that was how everyone worked.

I’d imagine lots of men feel like they are having less sex than normal after their partner gives birth....that’s entirely normal and most men get it. They can feel a bit disappointed or frustrated but understand the situation and don’t make daft or unpleasant demands.

Is this man a poor communicator generally? It’s pretty crass to express upset or anger at no sexual activity 14 days after birth, even if he is ‘willing’ to accept it’s not full sex......well, very enormous of him!

Actually, I don’t think it’s necessarily LTB material. I think it’s, ‘we need to have a talk about expectations and how you communicate’ terrain.

Hopefully on reflection, he can see his words were totally inappropriate. Sometimes people say thoughtless and unkind things...but it doesn’t always mean a relationship has to end. If this is part of a wider pattern, that’s worrying. If it’s a one-off, it could be that he’s tired from the new baby too and feeling a bit frustrated and didn’t verbalise his feelings well. It happens and it doesn’t always have to mean the person is a nasty piece of work and we should all say LTB.

Depends on what he’s like generally. Be kind to each other. You’re emotional (not surprisingly) and he probably is too. A new baby can make you feel like you’ll never have a life again and feel terrified.

He is a fucking arse. I was about five weeks postpartum and broached the subject with my husband. He told me to wait till I was fully recovered as he wanted me to enjoy it as much as possible. If he'd given me that tirade at two weeks pp, he would have been out on his fucking arse, baby or no baby. Is he usually this needy and pathetic?

@Coveredindaisies

Thank you all. You know thinking about this this isn’t a one off. It’s a pattern of behaviour about him and his needs. He’s been monumentally selfish. I do have friends around to support me yes but obvs with Covid not seeing much of them. I might actually take myself off to my mums flat wit the baby and Moses basket this weekend. It’s sitting empty after her death waiting for me to clear it and sell it. Have not felt up to going there but I’m sure some space would help right now. Thanks for all your supplies. When you are tired it’s hard to know if you are really being selfish or if it’s not you.

Now you have a baby you can have a support bubble so please do reach out to a friend or relative

It was five months pp for us - and I had a section!

I do think he needs a serious wake up call -either you leaving for a few days or packing his bags - let him land on a friends sofa and try to explain why you kicked him out.
What a donkey.

@percheron67

I'm so sorry that happened to you. What the fuck is wrong with some men.

Sorry about your mum OP.
I think your DH has behaved terribly. Don't leave, get him to go instead. Don't be conciliatory. He needs to know how awful he's been and truly get it.
Many men show their true colours in times of need sadly.

If you're not married, I'd be throwing him out right now. If you are, how long? If it's a short one then you've a good chance of coming out with all your assets intact

It's 6 weeks for a reason; as someone unthread said, air embolus. Also infection. Everything is still healing and you really don't want foreign objects up there yet. And I remember everything being so sore for ages.

Plus the loss of mum. He's an absolute arsehole!

Yeah you should tell him to pack his own bag and get out. He’s incredibly selfish

You’re not in the wrong here at all

It sounds like he’s insanely jealous of the the attention, love and time you give your baby. He has made this all about him. So sorry OP

So he tried to pressure you into sex, and when you burst into tears his response was, fine you can just give me a handjob?

LTB

LTB

LTB

LTB

I think some men get very jealous when a baby is born, your focus is the baby not them. He's an idiot, my DH is like this, he's fine once the kids turn 2 yrs and are least needy. But the damage is done. Men just don't get it.

I’m just shocked that a man think this is at all acceptable. I read somewhere that you basically have an open wound for 6 weeks on your womb from the placenta and that’s why they advised a 6 week wait to prevent infection. It’s advisory, but even after a birth with zero stitches and a small baby, I don’t think it was on either agenda until around 6/7 months.
I couldn’t move past this, I don’t have much more advice but I hope you are okay, and you’re doing a great job to your baby! X

You're not overreacting. His behaviour is disgusting and selfish. Rather than supporting you he wants you to please him 🤮. I wouldn't be able to forgive the selfishness to be honest.

I'd have told him to piss off!
You deserve better, OP.
Sorry about your mum

What a fucking prick. Sorry, OP.

Just been debating consent on the feminist board, this kind of shit makes me so angry.

You owe him nothing.

I'm really sorry about your mum, and hope you are enjoying your new baby.

@Coveredindaisies

He got more worked up when I burst out in tears. Apparently doesn’t have to be full sex but I could at least touch him...

FFS, tell him to go and touch himself if he's that desperate.

My undercarriage felt like it had been violently torn out then stuffed back in with a sledge hammer after my DC, and there was no way I was going to have anything like sex after 2 weeks. I was torn on one side and cut on the other. Not to mention the fact I was still bleeding like a bitch and it would have been messy. I waited 6 weeks before we tentatively gave it a go and even then he had to take it easy, and it was me that initiated that, he was happy to wait and be patient. Your other half sounds like a very selfish, very immature prick that is jealous of his own child.