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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So I’m 2 weeks postnatal and he’s just had a go at me that we’ve not done anything sexual..

428 replies

Coveredindaisies · 19/03/2021 15:28

I’m gobsmacked. Apparently I make him feel invisible. I’m breastfeeding round the clock. I’m knackered. I lost my mum 2 months ago and feel down and full of grief. I thought I was doing ok: I cuddle him when I’ve finally got the baby down to sleep. I feel overwhelmed having a new baby but I’m just about keeping on top of everything. He said he runs around all day and I should want to do something for him. Sat in tears wondering whether I should be considering breaking my family up before my son even turns one month old because it turns out my husband is an arse. What would you do in my situation? All I could do when he said this to me was burst out in tears and tell him it was massively unfair. But in actual fact I genuinely feel like this is LTB stuff. Sorry for the rant. I’d just like some perspective on whether it’ll right and it is indeed outrageous.

OP posts:
TomHardyAndMe · 19/03/2021 16:05

Buy a reasonably sized watermelon.

Tell him when he’s managed to push it up his penis and out again he can come and talk to you about sex.

If you’re anywhere near me I’ll happily supply and deliver said watermelon.

TattooedArm · 19/03/2021 16:07

I would wait until you are both calm and relaxed (I appreciate this isn't easy right now!), sit down and tell him exactly how his words have made you feel.

And then wait for his response. If he's apologetic then you can hopefully draw a line underneath it and move on. If not, then you'll have to decide what to do. He might be feeling really pushed out and expressed it awfully. I'm not trying to minimise the nastiness of his comment.

It's a major change for you both. Thanks

Embracelife · 19/03/2021 16:08

Tell your midwifw she can point you to support

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 19/03/2021 16:09

Please please please ask him to open a thread on MN complaining that his wife won't have sex with him 2 weeks after giving birth. We'll sort him out for you.

Meanwhile, agree with the watermelon suggestion.

RevolvingPivot · 19/03/2021 16:09

@Embracelife support for what?

HaNNaHC92 · 19/03/2021 16:10

Wow. Any decent male would be absolutely happy to wait for their partner considering you've birthed their child. If they want to have a little sulk about it then it should be done in private. No new mother needs that thrown at them. He has no boundaries or respect for you. Slightly different position to you, I'm due our 3rd baby in 6 weeks. For me, this pregnancy has been the hardest for me (alongside a 3yr old and 18m old to be Mum to) and me and OH haven't DTD in just over a month. I'm far too tired, far too pregnant and far too uncomfortable. OH respects my decision 100% and is happy to wait until I'm ready or want to.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 19/03/2021 16:11

💐I'm sorry sorry to hear about your Mum. It's a dreadful time to lose anyone, then to give birth shortly after...you're doing well to just get through the day x

You feel it would be easier to do this on your own (and I think you're right), & you own the house... he is being horrible, it's not just the insensitivity re sex, but the way he's talking to you, the way he sees that you 'owe him' his whole attitude, does not a great DH or Dad make.

I would pack him a bag & tell him to go.

What was he like before you had the baby?

Though I can't imagine he was was anywhere near good enough for you or that he's suddenly started treating you so badly.

Partners can feel 'pushed out' when there's a new baby and they're suddenly not the 'most important person in the world' to their partner & it can be hard for them, but most adults grow up fast & get on with supporting their partner and being a good parent

I'm SO sorry you're going through this xx

PinkElephant7 · 19/03/2021 16:12

Just tell him to get lost and concentrate on enjoying your baby. He'll get over it.

Somethingkindaoooo · 19/03/2021 16:13

OP
Has this changed how you feel about him?

LolaSmiles · 19/03/2021 16:13

I can’t really reason with him. I own the house we live in. I’m tempted to pack a bag for him and tell him to get out
There's no reasoning with men who choose to be cruel to their partners when they are physically and emotionally vulnerable.
You don't have to make any instant decisions, but if you can go it alone then longer term it might be a positive path for you.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 19/03/2021 16:13

That is LTB stuff. What a vile pesty creep. Sorry OP Thanks

Original poster
Coveredindaisies · 19/03/2021 16:13

Thank you all. You know thinking about this this isn’t a one off. It’s a pattern of behaviour about him and his needs. He’s been monumentally selfish. I do have friends around to support me yes but obvs with Covid not seeing much of them. I might actually take myself off to my mums flat wit the baby and Moses basket this weekend. It’s sitting empty after her death waiting for me to clear it and sell it. Have not felt up to going there but I’m sure some space would help right now. Thanks for all your supplies. When you are tired it’s hard to know if you are really being selfish or if it’s not you.

OP posts:
AdaColeman · 19/03/2021 16:14

I don't know what the current advice is, but years ago the advice was to wait six weeks post birth before having sex.
You are only two weeks on, plus you are breast feeding which can be absolutely exhausting. Putting aside whether or not you are "in the mood", physically you aren't ready yet.

He needs to adjust his attitude and grow up very quickly. He's not a sulking toddler who needs to be humoured, though he sounds like one. Now he's an adult with a baby who he is responsible for.

You and the baby must come first, and he must realise that his own desires are not a priority.

LittleGwyneth · 19/03/2021 16:14

He needs to shape up or ship out, that is absolutely unforgivable behaviour.

TurquoiseDragon · 19/03/2021 16:15

@Coveredindaisies

Yes thanks for all the replies. I feel massively picked on at the moment. This isn’t on. He is self employed and went back to work two days after the birth. I don’t feel supported to be honest and can’t help thinking this would be easier if I was doing it on my own. I can’t really reason with him. I own the house we live in. I’m tempted to pack a bag for him and tell him to get out.
This would be a very good idea.

He can leave and find a sock. And I agree he's jealous of the attention you are giving to youur son. How pathetic of him.

Even my abusive ex didn't pester me for sex so soon after having given birth, he was actually acting like a decent person.

LittleGwyneth · 19/03/2021 16:15

(and I am so sorry for your loss Flowers)

HollowTalk · 19/03/2021 16:15

OP, I'm so sorry you lost your mum. Flowers

Did she know this twat well? What would she have advised you to do?

partyatthepalace · 19/03/2021 16:15

Christ alive - he's the one that needs to see a counsellor.

I think you need to try and gather your strength and tell him that you gave birth two weeks ago, you are bruised, knackered, awash with hormones and milk, devoid of sleep and with sore boobs - all your focus is on the baby and managing your exhaustion, as anyone's would be. Any running around he does is for the both of you and the baby, and is a lot easier than what you did by being pregnant, breast feeding and giving birth - for both of you. So basically any man moaning about sex two weeks after birth is a complete cave man level arsehole, and that's without the loss of your mother. Then I supposed you can charitably say that you have to assume he is having some kind of new father crisis that has triggered a biblical burst of selfishness - so you will give him the option of going for a walk, realising that he's been a twat and coming back and apologising.

On another note - sex between two people is for both of them, it's not the 19th century.

As a matter of fact I think v few people have sex before 6 weeks and often longer, so not that it matters but 14 days post birth is crazy talk.

GOd - I am furious for you.

HollowTalk · 19/03/2021 16:16

Do you have other family and friends nearby?

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/03/2021 16:16

" He said he runs around all day and I should want to do something for him."
Oh, .

RevolvingPivot · 19/03/2021 16:16

Some of these replies.

Do you really think it's worth splitting a family up? Yer he's a nob but come on.

ktp100 · 19/03/2021 16:17

What a selfish bastard!!

I wouldn't be going anywhere near him after that!

Christ, you've just had a baby, you're getting little sleep and you're grieving and this knob head is only bothered about his cock??!!

I'm fuming for you, OP.

sharksinthesea · 19/03/2021 16:18

It's not you OP it's him. Took me about 4 months to try again in bed although I had a ton of stitches but still, I blamed not wanting any on stitches for a while even when they were long gone and no questions were ever asked by dh...
I feel bad for you he's out of order. Having a new baby is very hard and losing your mum two months prior.
You sound like you're doing very well. Without him.

User0ne · 19/03/2021 16:18

I was going to suggest something like the watermelon.

I didn't have sex with DH for around 6 weeks after dc1&2. We have quite an active sex life including during pregnancy but it is mutual not a chore.

Those early weeks are relentless plus ebf often leaves you feeling "touched out" generally.

The fact that he only took 2 days off work is piss poor; you need caring for as well as the baby.

If this is reflective of how he generally is then I would tell him to leave now. If not then you need to be clear that his behaviour will lead to the end of your relationship if not rectified - it is totally unacceptable.

tuttifuckinfruity · 19/03/2021 16:19

Jesus fucking christ 😳

He feels invisible. Oh. My. God.

I have no words. Other than to say you sound very well adjusted to realise that this is SO wrong, on every level.

I'm so sorry about your mum. I don't know what else to say other than focus on yourself and your little one. Sounds like you're doing a great job.