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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So I’m 2 weeks postnatal and he’s just had a go at me that we’ve not done anything sexual..

428 replies

Coveredindaisies · 19/03/2021 15:28

I’m gobsmacked. Apparently I make him feel invisible. I’m breastfeeding round the clock. I’m knackered. I lost my mum 2 months ago and feel down and full of grief. I thought I was doing ok: I cuddle him when I’ve finally got the baby down to sleep. I feel overwhelmed having a new baby but I’m just about keeping on top of everything. He said he runs around all day and I should want to do something for him. Sat in tears wondering whether I should be considering breaking my family up before my son even turns one month old because it turns out my husband is an arse. What would you do in my situation? All I could do when he said this to me was burst out in tears and tell him it was massively unfair. But in actual fact I genuinely feel like this is LTB stuff. Sorry for the rant. I’d just like some perspective on whether it’ll right and it is indeed outrageous.

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 19/03/2021 22:51

I'm so glad you own the house, OP.

I remember how fragile I still felt two weeks after having a baby and I fortunately wasn't also bereaved.

tiredmum2468 · 19/03/2021 22:54

@Coveredindaisies
That sounds truly dreadful and sending you massive virtual hugs 🤗
I think if he's like this it shows how truly awful he is and id be leaving him

What planet is he on??

Craftycorvid · 19/03/2021 22:59

Good grief! If your feet get too tired from kicking him out the door, I have two you can borrow and would be happy to apply both to his arse.

Jesskir89 · 19/03/2021 23:08

Sorry can someone please tell me what ltb is? Op hea a selfish prick but most men are. I would calm down and sit down with him and explain what you're going through and how he's made you feel. See what he says

LunaLula83 · 19/03/2021 23:09

Tell him to fuck off and if he can't handle being second best, he can fuck off some more!

korawick12345 · 19/03/2021 23:11

Is he the father? It's just you refer to 'my son' rather than 'our son'? If he isn't the father that may have a bearing on things

Lineofconcepcion · 19/03/2021 23:12

LTB = leave the bastard . . .

Ohnomoreno · 19/03/2021 23:17

Is it really that bad? My husband was also dropping hints after a few weeks. We just have a fairly cheery conversation usually where I say no and he says oh well it was worth a try.

britespark1 · 19/03/2021 23:22

I remember crying in the bath in middle of the night with the worst piles imaginable at 3 weeks post partum. And that was after haemorrhaging badly and I’m sure suffering PTSD after the recovery. Tell him to fuck right off x

fedup078 · 19/03/2021 23:24

I could have written this
My mum died unexpectedly a week after my baby was born
About a week later I'm crawling into bed after finally getting the baby to sleep and dh asks me when I think we can start having sex again and then he gets all upset and says he's sad and I need to make him feel better
I could have put him through the wall

Clymene · 19/03/2021 23:26

@Jesskir89

Sorry can someone please tell me what ltb is? Op hea a selfish prick but most men are. I would calm down and sit down with him and explain what you're going through and how he's made you feel. See what he says
Most men are really shit and we should just shrug?

NO

SoulofanAggron · 19/03/2021 23:33

@fedup078 Dreadful. Sad

Craftycorvid · 19/03/2021 23:42

Nope, it’s horrendously insensitive behaviour. OP just birthed a whole human and has the stitches to prove it; body and hormones in turmoil and struggling with bereavement. If the bugger ever wants sex again, he’d better learn to listen and support his partner rather than acting like a gigantic adolescent.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 20/03/2021 00:09

If this is not new behaviour (As you've just realised) and he's just escalated the selfish bastardy into stratospheric levels, by somehow thinking that he's more important than the helpless little human he helped create, and that you carried in your own body for the last 9 months, then he's a lost cause.

Fuck him off, OP. Kick him out - he's not going to improve.
I'm so sorry your mum died so recently - but what about his mum? Is she around, being helpful, able to put a massive boot up his arse? Although quite honestly if he's got to this point like this, she probably wouldn't be much help!

You are right, by the way - if he's not being supportive, you probably would cope better by yourself. If you know up front that you have to do everything, then it changes how your mind approaches the situation. Hoping constantly for more help from your so-called partner just leads to constant disappointment, which makes you feel more low and sad.

Thanks for you - I hope things get better for you soon. x

Wanderlust20 · 20/03/2021 00:18

What a pig!

EKGEMS · 20/03/2021 00:53

I don't know what's worse this woman's DH or the fuckers posting sympathetic things about the bastard? Apologists exist for everyone. She is two weeks post partum and bereaved!

mellicauli · 20/03/2021 01:02

I agree his Mum might be the best bet.

If my DiL told me that, I'd be having a word about exactly who is there to support who in your situation. I think most women would. If he is still truly useless, she might be supportive to you anyway.

TurquoiseDragon · 20/03/2021 01:59

@Ohnomoreno

Is it really that bad? My husband was also dropping hints after a few weeks. We just have a fairly cheery conversation usually where I say no and he says oh well it was worth a try.
He said he runs around all day and I should want to do something for him.

He got more worked up when I burst out in tears. Apparently doesn’t have to be full sex but I could at least touch him...

You know thinking about this this isn’t a one off. It’s a pattern of behaviour about him and his needs.

Yes, I'd say it's that bad.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 20/03/2021 02:20

Wow.

Just...wow.

If this were a one off, I would suggest having a massive meltdown or temper tantrum to get the point across that he is so fucking out of line and leishmaniasis, inconsiderate bastards who doesn’t deserve to have a wife and child.

But you have said that this actually firms a pattern of behaviour. In which case, I would say get ready to leave the bastard. You’ve just had a baby. Decide if you want to leave him immediately or if you want to bide your time. Personally, if this is his typical behaviour, I would be out the door.

frazzledasarock · 20/03/2021 02:32

@Ohnomoreno

Is it really that bad? My husband was also dropping hints after a few weeks. We just have a fairly cheery conversation usually where I say no and he says oh well it was worth a try.
You have very very very low expectations of a partner.

At two weeks post partum I was still bleeding with all mine and my vagina felt and probably looked like a gaping ravaged cavern.

My DH did not once ‘drop hints’/demand/expect/moan about sex.

Not once.

And that doesn’t make him a prince amongst men.

I’m pretty sure not many men would want to have sex after shitting out a watermelon having stitches and being unable to sit, stand or walk with comfort whilst also bleeding profusely from their nether regions.

This is LTB territory. I’d be speaking with a solicitor and rallying round real life support. He’s a spectacular arsehole. Coercing a post-partum partner into sex is abusive.

sergeilavrov · 20/03/2021 02:56

I had two high risk pregnancies, so no sex at all throughout, and then after both c-sections combined with the tiredness, work and my DH being terrified of hurting me; I think all in all we didn’t have sex for almost 18 months. Not once was I pestered, was it even mentioned, or was I ever aware of him doing anything to deal with those urges himself. That’s because he was actively aware of the context and respects me. Have the same minimum expectation of this man. Go to your mum’s flat, sounds like it’s a lot more relaxing and might help you feel closer to her. Congratulations on the baby, and I’m really sorry for the loss of your mum Flowers

harknesswitch · 20/03/2021 07:13

You sound so sad op, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Your dp should be supporting you and helping you with your grief and the baby, instead he's moaning about sex. Tbh it just shows what a completely selfish know he is

Thunderingwankgoblet · 20/03/2021 08:14

Oh OP. I have read the whole thread and want to send you so much love and virtual support. I was in an astoundingly similar situation when my baby was two weeks old, and my then husband was such a monumentally selfish and entitled prick about his "needs" that it was the catalyst for me leaving. It took me another few years to get away, but there is absolutely no excuse, no excuse whatsoever for his behaviour. If he is anything like my ex he will not comprehend this, he will make a thousand excuses for why this is all your fault and you just don't understand how hard it is for a man to go without sex, he will blame you and you are so vulnerable you are likely to internalise that blame. This is a tender time and you need love and support, not this nonsense.

Icenii · 20/03/2021 08:24

You're in a bad place at the moment. I'd be tempted to just sort this situation out and get all this bad stuff over with at once, leaving you free to move on when you can and build a happy family for you and your child. Do you have support elsewhere?

Jesskir89 · 20/03/2021 08:43

@Clymene no probably not worded that the best I meant where sex is concerned a lot of men are selfish but no we shouldn't just shrug.