Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So I’m 2 weeks postnatal and he’s just had a go at me that we’ve not done anything sexual..

428 replies

Coveredindaisies · 19/03/2021 15:28

I’m gobsmacked. Apparently I make him feel invisible. I’m breastfeeding round the clock. I’m knackered. I lost my mum 2 months ago and feel down and full of grief. I thought I was doing ok: I cuddle him when I’ve finally got the baby down to sleep. I feel overwhelmed having a new baby but I’m just about keeping on top of everything. He said he runs around all day and I should want to do something for him. Sat in tears wondering whether I should be considering breaking my family up before my son even turns one month old because it turns out my husband is an arse. What would you do in my situation? All I could do when he said this to me was burst out in tears and tell him it was massively unfair. But in actual fact I genuinely feel like this is LTB stuff. Sorry for the rant. I’d just like some perspective on whether it’ll right and it is indeed outrageous.

OP posts:
Chalkitup · 20/03/2021 22:56

I genuinely can't believe someone can be that insensitive. Even if you hadn't just given birth, you've just lost your mother and will be deeply in grief. The fact he can't understand you've just lost your mum, just given birth and have stitches, have probably barely slept for weeks etc is very worrying. He doesn't sound like someone I'd like supporting me.
Congratulations on your little one

Alreadyinmypyjamas · 20/03/2021 22:56

Pretend you're going to give him a blow job and bite his fucking dick off!

HamFisted · 20/03/2021 22:56

I hope you have real life support, OP, because your husband is an utter bastard and you deserve so much better. Hugs xa

billy1966 · 20/03/2021 23:27

Unbelievable.

Poor woman.

He truly is the dregs.

wingingit987 · 20/03/2021 23:35

2 weeks po tell him to do one I didn't have sex at all the first 8-12 weeks. I'm so sorry about your mum have you got other support?

Onthedunes · 20/03/2021 23:41

If he's this un thoughtful and unkind with the big stuff how will you cope over time with all the little stuff?

He sounds like a special kind of idiot, are you sure you want that in your life How much could that be of a help to you ?

I'm very sorry about your mom, you have had such a hard time.
I'm sure she would be very proud of you, she would also be telling you to say to your partner Fuck off..... what are you waiting for tell him.

Young men today.... such dickheads.

midsummabreak · 21/03/2021 00:01

Call women’s aid before making any decisions. I wouldn’t let his behaviour influence your position on where you would like to live.

This is your home and should be your safe place where you are healing after giving birth, and learning to cope with the exhaustingly busy time in the first years of baby’s life.

If you decide to break up, he needs to go.

Personally I would see a solicitor straight away to seek guidance about decisions around ending the relationship with him as I would not want my baby to grow up thinking it’s normal for mum to be subservient to a Neanderthal

SoEverybodyDance · 21/03/2021 00:35

So sorry you're having to deal with this after two such monumental life events, the death of your mum and the birth of your first. I needed so much time and space to deal with my mum's death and I can imagine you have very little of it at the moment. At least you have somewhere to go if you need to get away... men are often insensitive and unable to adjust after childbirth. I've had friends whose partners said things like: "when are you going back to work?" 2 wks after birth with no plan for childcare. I imagine you're pretty down about this, but my only suggestion is to take things slowly, you have so many things to deal with and adjust to. If you leave, make sure you have a good support network to help you care for your baby, grieve for your mum and get over your relationship...

YukoandHiro · 21/03/2021 06:25

How are you doing OP? Hope you're getting some time to just relax with your baby and not worry about anything else

Horehound · 21/03/2021 08:59

@fallfallfall

decades ago, they spouted the 6 week rule of thumb to sex. it was explained to men and they were told in pre natal class it was a no go till after the dr.'s check up. some of those antique ideas weren't all that bad. over touched with bf, struggling with the newness of parenthood and the extra work, recent loss :(. don't give in if you don't want to 100%
It's still the advice given..
Trustisamust · 21/03/2021 09:07

@Horehound I think now they've done away with the six week suggestion; I've had my third last year (10 years after my second) and the advice was whenever I felt ready.
I'm now 9 months pp and we bed share so opportunities are still rare!!

ScarfaceCwaw · 21/03/2021 09:46

All the NHS and UK advice now is that you can have sex after birth as soon as you feel ready. (With contraception, of course!) That's a bit of a derail from the OP's issue though. It doesn't matter what the NHS says, it matters that OP is not at all ready and doesn't want to.

Horehound · 21/03/2021 09:59

[quote Trustisamust]@Horehound I think now they've done away with the six week suggestion; I've had my third last year (10 years after my second) and the advice was whenever I felt ready.
I'm now 9 months pp and we bed share so opportunities are still rare!![/quote]
Oh right I have birth 2019 and they deffo said at least six weeks..

But yeh that's by the by.

Trustisamust · 21/03/2021 22:57

@ScarfaceCwaw Absolutely. I think there was perhaps pressure unfairly felt by women when they used to quote the six week mark because then it was like "Right I should be having sex again by now."
It 100% should be when she is ready, whenever that is x

Sunshine3013 · 21/03/2021 23:48

This is a transition for you both. He is feeling jealous and this is normal honestly. You will both adjust. Give it some time.

mathanxiety · 22/03/2021 00:11

I think we need to stop normalising jealousy and other seriously immature responses to the arrival of a baby, something that happens with nine months of time to prepare, to consider, to read about, to try to grow into the role.

The more women put up with this shit the more shit we will be asked to handle. The birth of a baby should mean the woman is centered in her home, for once. Men need to grow up and get into step with that.

gutful · 22/03/2021 00:14

This has got to be one of the most astoundingly selfish excuses for a "partner" have read on here for awhile

gutful · 22/03/2021 00:16

Aww he is jealous

"poor lamb" as the English like to say (love this expression)

It sounds like poor OP has just realised she has 2 babies.

This is horrible he has put this on you 2 weeks after giving birth. Feel disgusted on your behalf.

I don't know where you go from here but this isn't a good start to parenting, him being resentful of his newfound circumstances is not a great look.

FictionalCharacter · 22/03/2021 02:53

@mathanxiety

I think we need to stop normalising jealousy and other seriously immature responses to the arrival of a baby, something that happens with nine months of time to prepare, to consider, to read about, to try to grow into the role.

The more women put up with this shit the more shit we will be asked to handle. The birth of a baby should mean the woman is centered in her home, for once. Men need to grow up and get into step with that.

Absolutely this. And we should expect more of fathers - we should stop heaping praise on them if they do the tiniest thing to look after their own child.
Spidey66 · 22/03/2021 03:09

Sorry I know he's your husband and your baby's father, but he's also a bastard. Losing your mum OR just having given birth would be enough to put you off sex for a while. The fact you've had TWO major life upheavals in quick succession makes it worse.

Spidey66 · 22/03/2021 03:21

Ps congrats on the new baby, and sorry about your mum. It's very sad your mum didn't get to see the baby.

HamFisted · 22/03/2021 07:22

@mathanxiety

I think we need to stop normalising jealousy and other seriously immature responses to the arrival of a baby, something that happens with nine months of time to prepare, to consider, to read about, to try to grow into the role.

The more women put up with this shit the more shit we will be asked to handle. The birth of a baby should mean the woman is centered in her home, for once. Men need to grow up and get into step with that.

This has never occurred to me before, but you're right. I expected and accommodated the jealousy my eldest child felt when my youngest arrived and expected poor behaviour. It doesn't say much for men that we expect them to react in a similar way to a two year old.
MyOtherProfile · 22/03/2021 07:31

@Sunshine3013

This is a transition for you both. He is feeling jealous and this is normal honestly. You will both adjust. Give it some time.
Doesn't sound like he is up for adjusting much himself.
Silenceisgolden20 · 22/03/2021 07:33

@Sunshine3013

This is a transition for you both. He is feeling jealous and this is normal honestly. You will both adjust. Give it some time.
What the actual f?
sashh · 22/03/2021 07:33

Order some suture materials from Amazon, get him to let you put a few stitches in his penis and balls, rub his nipples with sandpaper and then have a wank.

Ask him why he is jealous of the baby? Don't let him say he isn't because he is.

I bet he sleeps through your night feeds. You probable should wake him up so he can get you a drink and a biscuit.

FFS your body has just grown a human being and for now your body is creating and delivering sustenance, that takes energy.

Swipe left for the next trending thread