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Original poster

Adult children don't like my partner

144 replies

user7854 · 18/03/2021 11:06

Just saw a similar thread on here so thought I would share my own experience to gauge people's thoughts.

My adult children (all over 30) dislike my partner, though they have never told me this, it is clear. I've been with my partner 4 years (single before that for many, many years and divorced their mother when they were children under 10).

I think the reason they dislike her is because of the position she has ended up in. She was a carer for her daughter so has never been able to work, own a house, or have savings (she actually has debts). Her daughter has now become independent in a relationship and moved in with her boyfriend so my partner has lost all her benefits and has become financially dependent on me. I think my kids look down on her for this reason.

They make no effort with her, never ask me how she is, and occasionally don't invite her to events. I always feel like I have to ask if she can come. My partner's self-esteem is rock bottom and she feels like she isn't good enough. She feels like they are civil to her and reasonably polite but she doesn't feel liked or approved of.

I just feel so stressed with it all, the fact that it's clear they don't like her and I find it so rude when they don't invite her to things like meals. I have asked them outright and they say it's not that they don't like her, it's that they don't know her as when she attends events she doesn't speak. Her shyness is as a result of feeling not liked. They also said it works both ways - that I have organised events with her and her family at my house but not invited them. Now that she is likely going to be moving in with me permanently and losing her house I just wonder if this issue between them can ever be rectified?

OP posts:
TinCanCollector · 18/03/2021 11:13

Why isn't your partner working? Why is she financially dependent on you? Why is she losing her house? Why is it up to you to solve all that for her?

I can see why your adult children may be wary of her. You've said yourself, they are civil and polite, and regardless of anything else, I don't think you can ask for more - you can't make your children 'like' or 'approve' of her.

Original poster
user7854 · 18/03/2021 11:15

She has just always been a carer, now she is in her early 60s and has back problems/fatigue. She has been applying for jobs though recently since she will be losing her carers benefits. She's losing her house because this is paid for by her daughter's disability benefits and her daughter is moving in with her boyfriend so the benefits will go with them.
I don't think it's acceptable that I always have to ask if she can come along to things.

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 18/03/2021 11:20

They're looking out for you, they don't see her as an equal partner, you've taken on a dependent.

Fireflygal · 18/03/2021 11:22

Your children seem to have given very valid reasons for this approach. I don't see why you are expecting more.

She also needs to make an effort with them as she "excludes" them from "her" family events. It has to work both ways.

She feels like they are civil to her and reasonably polite but she doesn't feel liked or approved of

They are civil to her, that is perfectly reasonable. Your partner needs to get approval from within, not seek it from your children. How she feels inside due to poor self esteem isn't their issue to resolve.

I can also understand their fears for YOU, that you are not in a relationship of equals and that is never a good thing.

What would happen to the house and how would your partner survive if you died?

starbrightstarlight8888 · 18/03/2021 11:24

Sorry I wouldn't be happy if one of my parents had a partner like this. She is literally dependent on you.
What was her plan financially for when her daughter moved out if she had remained single?
Does she have a pension that she can put into payment as she's 60?

Youngatheart00 · 18/03/2021 11:24

It is up to you to decide who you want as a partner, whether they make you happy and what they bring to the relationship.

The cynic in me says that she is moving in with you as she would no longer have a home (what was her fallback if she wasn’t in a relationship with you?) but it isn’t like you’ve just got together.

It may well be a slow burn with your own children / family but if they see you are happy, they should come around in time.

I would be inclined to say she should find work, even in a part time capacity - many people work up until their late 60s (or even beyond!)

Fireflygal · 18/03/2021 11:25

I don't think it's acceptable that I always have to ask if she can come along to things

I don't think it's reasonable that you think like this, especially as you two haven't started living together. She isn't automatically your plus 1. I assume covid has restricted gatherings so that must also be another factor.

FiddlefigOnTheRoof · 18/03/2021 11:30

My FIL had a couple of long term partners in similar situations. We were friendly, brought gifts etc, addressed xmas cards to the both of them etc, but they were not really welcome to family events - we obviously were polite and as kind as possible but it felt like an intrusion. They were dependents as opposed to partners, and felt like paid companion/housekeepers. He didn’t really love them abs we deep down we didn’t respect the ‘arrangement’ they had chosen.

Not saying we were in the right, just explaining our view. Btw it all imploded when the money ran out.

HermioneKipper · 18/03/2021 11:30

It sounds like they are concerned for you as this lady may be genuine but may have also hit the jackpot. Perhaps you could reassure your children that you’re going in with your eyes open and aren’t about to be taken advantage of. Sounds like your partner may also need to make a bit more effort with your children to get to know them

TinCanCollector · 18/03/2021 11:34

I'm also interested to know what her plan would have been had you not stepped in like a knight in shining armour to financially support her and provide her with accommodation?

What is her back up plan if living together doesn't work out and you ask her to move out after a year?

NeedToGetOuttaHere · 18/03/2021 11:36

My DM has had a few long term partners that haven’t been what I thought ideal for my DM (she married one of them and he’s six years younger than me!) but I’ve always made an effort to get along with them. If she was happy with them then I was happy for her.

OP do you love your partner, are you happy with her? Do you think your DC are concerned you will marry her?

Sakurami · 18/03/2021 11:38

I think you need to make it clear to them that she did work, she was just kind of unpaid for it. And now she is being made redundant and due to health reasons she can't start working now at 60.

But she makes you happy. You've been single a long time and love her. It is a serious relationship of 4 years and you would really appreciate if they were happy for you and made more of an effort to include her. It must be hard for her to be sociable and chatty when she knows they don't really like her.

Your children are old enough now to understand. If they have partners, ask them how they'd feel if you were unwelcoming etc towards them

Alexandernevermind · 18/03/2021 11:39

I would hate for one of my parents to be with someone like this. Your partner has had it tough I know, but relationships should be equal and I would worry about the financial strain on my parent.
Being cold about it, are you going to leave your home to her in your will or to your adult children?

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 18/03/2021 11:40

It sounds like your children may have accepted her if she had taken responsibility for herself and her own life.

Her daughter is so severely disabled that she requires full time care to the point that her mum has never been able to work at all for years, yet now all of a sudden, the daughter is independent and has just moved in with her partner?

I don't doubt the daughter's health issues but it sounds like your partner could have worked at least part time alongside her caring responsibilities.

Rather than get a job now her daughter has left home, she's moving in with you rent free and hoping you will financially provide for her.

I don't blame your children for not wanting to be around her.

BehindMyEyes · 18/03/2021 11:42

She has debts and she doesn't work ? How is she going to pay those off? I imagine they see her as eating away at what you could potentially leave or spend on them .

FromDespairToHere · 18/03/2021 11:42

Knowing someone in a similar situation to you I'm also interested in what she'd be doing if she wasn't moving in with you? She's very lucky to have met you at the precise time she needed a home.

Cheesypea · 18/03/2021 11:43

Are they worried about their inheritance?

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 18/03/2021 11:45

She's only 60. I won't even be able to get my state pension til I'm 68 (I'll probably be in my 70s if they keep putting it up). I'll most likely still be working full time when I'm her age, as will most people.

namechange63524 · 18/03/2021 11:47

I don't like my dads partner. I'm polite to her, invite her sometimes, but sometimes I don't as my dad also behaves differently around her, plus she comes out with massively inappropriate things. I also feel my dad was convenient for her lifestyle - she too has nothing financially and is cringingly quick with the "I love yous". I guess my questions are - do you behave differently around her? Could she make more of an effort to speak and get to know the family? If she wasn't losing her home, would you be moving in together at this point? What is in her personality that they may not like/feel uncomfortable with?

E.g. with my dad's partner, she is fake, actions don't marry with her words, she's very needy and comes out with very inappropriate sexual comments, has no substance to her, is quick to call random strangers out on their behaviour etc.

Have the conversation with your kids. Not mentioning it may seem like not making an issue/inflaming the situation, but the situation is there at the moment, so may as well be talked about. Also, keep some arrangements between you and the kids - don't overly force the situation on them.

CatsNotDogs · 18/03/2021 11:50

I wouldn't want my Dad to be with someone so needy and dependent either sorry and yes I'll be brutally honest although I am a grown woman with my own money and home, if any inheritance coming my way was put at risk for some random it would seriously fuck me off! Don't marry her.

nitsandwormsdodger · 18/03/2021 11:52

How was her daughter so disabled that she needs a lifetime if sacrifice BUT now isn't? Is the boyfriend becoming the Carer ? That's very unhealthy dynamic for them to start a relationship , Also how can the daughter be so thoughtless to a mum to leave her in this position
Lots of caters Keep part time jobs going
Don't let her move in with you , you are not obliged to become your wife's Carer

ParadiseIsland · 18/03/2021 11:52

@Gettingthereslowly2020

She's only 60. I won't even be able to get my state pension til I'm 68 (I'll probably be in my 70s if they keep putting it up). I'll most likely still be working full time when I'm her age, as will most people.
Except that 1- a lot of people wont ohysically be able to do that due to health issues 2- its much easier to do a job where you are sat at desk than a physical one. Because of the fact she has spent many many years caring for her dd (which WAS the right thing to do!!) she doesnt have a lot of choice work wise - bar all the very physical jobs.

I'd be very careful about judging anyone on that sprt of position. It's not as simple as 'just get a job', esp at that age.

lunar1 · 18/03/2021 11:53

I would be worried about this too. What was her plan if you didn't come along to rescue her?

StarsonaString · 18/03/2021 11:54

Sounds like they are acting appropriately and its her that has the problem. They are adults with their own lives rather than step'children'. They clearly don't know her well and treat her well as an aquantaince rather than family because that is what she is to them. They are right that she needs to make an effort if she wants to get to know them.

I would also be concerned for their sake about my financially stable parent taking on what is effectively a dependant. What effect will this have on your future and retirement? Will you marry her? You will need to carefully consider both her and their position if you die in a way that is fair. Cohabiting vs marriage will have a big impact on this.

Do you think there is any element of your partner being negative about your children in an effort to create distance? Why is she not inviting them to events and complaining they don't automatically invite her?

Anonapuss · 18/03/2021 11:59

OP, it does sound like you really have the blinkers on here and are too caught up in enjoying being her hero and saviour to see what's really happening.

This women has never provided for herself and clearly has little to no intention of starting now.

Take a step back.
What if one of your children came to you with this scenario? What would your advice be?

Im sure your children feel she has just found her next cash cow and this could end up costing you, and the family, a lot in the long run.

Its always best to seek a partner of equal standing, or at least, someone able to be independent financially if pairing in later life. What would be the plan if the relationship broke down? How will she support herself?