Adult children don't like my partner

[user7854]

Just saw a similar thread on here so thought I would share my own experience to gauge people's thoughts.

My adult children (all over 30) dislike my partner, though they have never told me this, it is clear. I've been with my partner 4 years (single before that for many, many years and divorced their mother when they were children under 10).

I think the reason they dislike her is because of the position she has ended up in. She was a carer for her daughter so has never been able to work, own a house, or have savings (she actually has debts). Her daughter has now become independent in a relationship and moved in with her boyfriend so my partner has lost all her benefits and has become financially dependent on me. I think my kids look down on her for this reason.

They make no effort with her, never ask me how she is, and occasionally don't invite her to events. I always feel like I have to ask if she can come. My partner's self-esteem is rock bottom and she feels like she isn't good enough. She feels like they are civil to her and reasonably polite but she doesn't feel liked or approved of.

I just feel so stressed with it all, the fact that it's clear they don't like her and I find it so rude when they don't invite her to things like meals. I have asked them outright and they say it's not that they don't like her, it's that they don't know her as when she attends events she doesn't speak. Her shyness is as a result of feeling not liked. They also said it works both ways - that I have organised events with her and her family at my house but not invited them. Now that she is likely going to be moving in with me permanently and losing her house I just wonder if this issue between them can ever be rectified?

You're taking on a liability. I wouldn't be happy if it was my dad.

this 100% 🌺

She's not a "liability" if she's a good partner to OP and they love each other.

Everyone is assuming that the OP owns his property outright and is in sparkling good health. If neither of those assumptions were true, would this relationship be a problem?

Has the OP placed any other woman in the role of their mother before? Is this situation late fallout from his divorce? Is the mother of the children still alive and around? Are there still split loyalties? Perhaps the children simply do not want to give another woman the respect a new wife would be due.

I was raised traditionally and my father always took care of my mother, financially and all, up until she died a couple of years ago almost. So I don't see the issue, but if they do thats up to them. You don't need their approval, she doesn't either. Just enjoy your lives together

Some very harsh responses here that seem to have no clue of what caring entails.
And why is it impossible to accept at face value that the daughter who was previously cared for by OP's partner is now cared for by her boyfriend?

I presume the partner can no longer afford the rent on a two bedroom property due to bedroom tax, especially as the benefits the daughter would have been getting for her disabilities would likely have helped towards household expenses.
It's not impossible that the partner could have found a one bedroom property but this can be easier said than done, especially at the moment.
However she shouldn't have lost all her benefits. She should get universal credit and she may get a discretionary housing payment to tide her over until she can get a smaller place. Of course if she moves in with you then your income gets taken into account and could mean she gets nothing.
Depending on her health conditions she may also get some disability benefits.
So she doesn't need to be dependent on you. Or you could subsidise her in her own place which would be a lot cheaper for you than her moving in with you. And wouldn't affect her benefits.

However, if she does move in with you, I would just give it time. The mere act of moving in may make your dc realise that this is a serious relationship.
Maybe when lockdown is over start inviting them over to your place, just one (or one family) at a time so your partner can get to know them on her own territory as it were.

I’d be the same as your adult children too. A partnership should be exactly that - equal. I’d be really suspicious if my father suddenly took on another dependant and I’d be having serious conversations about what can happen if things go wrong.

I have a friend who’s father remarried extremely quickly after her mother’s death. The father himself then passed away 18 months later and my friends family home went up the swannee with the new wife.

She was absolutely heartbroken, her mother would have turned in her grave if she’d known.

I think I’d feel a bit concerned about my dad if he got into a relationship that was taking on a dependent. Not anything to do with inheritance, there’s unlikely to be any, but I’d want him to be in a relationship that was more of a partnership than what’s been described.

She's not a "liability" if she's a good partner to OP and they love each other

She's still a liability. A big financial 60 year old liability. Love doesn't pay the bills.

She could look for a job as a care worker....there's a big need in Adults Social Care for this.

@SandyY2K

She's not a "liability" if she's a good partner to OP and they love each other

She's still a liability. A big financial 60 year old liability. Love doesn't pay the bills.

She could look for a job as a care worker....there's a big need in Adults Social Care for this.

She has back issues.

And presumably her age isn't a problem to OP who I imagine is of a similar vintage. OP isn't complaining about the financial situation, and it's really up to him whether he views her as a "liability" or a great addition to his life who he wants to live with and doesn't mind supporting. It's not up to his children either.

My dro used to go for women like this who just didn't want to work at all and he would be going to work whilst they made excuses why they couldn't work and he would support them, one was a carer for her dad, the other for her mother but lived with him didn't prove any care. Finally he saw sense and met his now wife who is working full time and their relationship is on equal terms. I didn't have any respect for these women previously and they just didn't want to work. I imagine this is what your dc think.

My partner's mother has an interest only morgage. She reached the end of the term. She managed to extend the morgage but at one point thought she would loose the house. 6 months before she thought she was going to loose the house she found a man who she reported had a nice house and told my partner they were going to get married. My partner was a little confused as shes still married to the last bloke and although separated was on good terms with him. She also started trying to push my partner into having a relationship with this guy. My partner was willing to be civil but is in his forties and wasn't going to immediately see his mum's latest bloke as a stepdad. Partner is no contact with her now but we do wonder if she had any financial motive.

They are worried that a: she's fleecing you (very convenient that you've come along to the rescue when she has nothing. Also, how severe were her daughters needs that she needed full-time care from her mum, and yet now doesn't need it?!) or b: that they are going to lose their inheritance.

I'd imagine that they are just being protective of you, and that they don't want you being taken advantage of.

Children of any age can find it hard to accept a new parents' partner in their lives. Especially difficult if the relationship breakdown was your fault or they watched mum struggle for years as a single parent.

They see you taking on a dependent (they are worried about you being taken advantage of) and are thinking they will never see a penny of inheritance. Will you marry her? If you die where will she live? Even if the house was left in trust to them, with partner able to live there until death, it's likely to be too late for them to utilise any inheritance, the grandkids would probably benefit instead.

I think that if they are civil and invite her to events (even if not all) that is all you can ask really. Give it time and don't try and force a relationship.

OP isn't complaining about the financial situation, and it's really up to him whether he views her as a "liability" or a great addition to his life who he wants to live with and doesn't mind supporting. It's not up to his children either.*

The OP posted his situation and is after other people's views. Mine is that she's financial liability and I wouldn't want my dad in such a relationship.

It's like taking on a baby in later life. A fully grown adult who is unable to financially support herself.

OP... be glad that your kids are civil to her. You can't ask for more and her shyness isn't their issue. Perhaps just keep them separate and enjoy each relationship independent of the other

They don't like her. You can't make them.
Maybe they're worried about their presumed inheritance?
Can't she even work part time ?

I agree with your kids. Your a mug.
Past aside, I think she needs to become financially independent and get a job.

so my partner has lost all her benefits and has become financially dependent on me.

So she is already dependent on you and maybe moving in with you makes it cheaper for you?

Was any of this planned or did this situation just evolve / present itself?

Would you have moved the mother and daughter in with you if the daughter hadn’t met anyone?

What do you get from this RS? What does your partner bring? Is it better now that she has been relieved from 24/7 care of her daughter?

Hmmm. Lots of 30 somethings here worried about losing their inheritance.

Try a little thought experiment. Dad meets a dynamic business-woman aged 40. Own business, own house, used to running the show. Now she'd like a baby to complete the deck.

Think about the shock waves in your family. Who has the power now? Who owns the big house and hosts the family gatherings? Would'nt you prefer the timid option instead, even if she does owe the credit card company a few thousand?

@SpaceshiptoMars

Hmmm. Lots of 30 somethings here worried about losing their inheritance.

Try a little thought experiment. Dad meets a dynamic business-woman aged 40. Own business, own house, used to running the show. Now she'd like a baby to complete the deck.

Think about the shock waves in your family. Who has the power now? Who owns the big house and hosts the family gatherings? Would'nt you prefer the timid option instead, even if she does owe the credit card company a few thousand?

but that's not what is happening here 😳🤔

Ignoring the financial side it is the OPs partner who appears to do all the complaining about her treatment by the OPs children. The OPs children don't seem to have done any complaining but just appear to have responded honestly to some questions.

OPs partner doesn't seem to be making much effort with his children but expects them to invite her to everything - even though they don't get invited when her family have a get together. Maybe they want to see their Dad alone sometimes without having to make small talk with someone they barely know who makes little effort with them?

I would be very worried OPs partner is trying to drive a wedge between OP and his children - and appears to be succeeding!

@SpaceshiptoMars

Hmmm. Lots of 30 somethings here worried about losing their inheritance.

Try a little thought experiment. Dad meets a dynamic business-woman aged 40. Own business, own house, used to running the show. Now she'd like a baby to complete the deck.

Think about the shock waves in your family. Who has the power now? Who owns the big house and hosts the family gatherings? Would'nt you prefer the timid option instead, even if she does owe the credit card company a few thousand?

Very good!. All these 30 somethings wouldn't be happy if Daddy met a younger, dynamic, working woman. Especially if the younger woman wants chidren Bye bye inheritance.

Better the devil you know?

Oh and these days its not unusual for men in their 70s to meet women in tbeir early 40s (thanks to online dating) so its not beyond rhe realms of possibility that a man of that age ends up with a woman who either wants a family, or shock horror already has a young family
Once again bye bye house and money if that's the case.

Maybe the quiet as a mouse older woman is the best option in this case.

Nope, sorry, I’d be as wary as your children are.

My DF has been with his partner ten years, she’s lived with him all that time and never got divorced. With absolutely no good reason. She’s never paid a bill, given her money to her children, of which none (out of 3) work.

So ten years later and my DF has supported this woman’s lazy ass children and she frequently just walks away Willy Nilly back to the house she owns with her husband.

I don’t cause issues at all but I certainly do not like or engage with her where possible. You can’t force them to like her. They’re adults, you’re an adult, deal with the fact your making a unfavourable choice of supporting this woman who they see should be supporting herself.

I feel saddened that they do not seem able to tell you of their real concerns and reasons why they dislike your DP. I can see their perspective though and doubt I would be delighted in their shoes.

I have asked them outright and they say it's not that they don't like her, it's that they don't know her as when she attends events she doesn't speak. Her shyness is as a result of feeling not liked. They also said it works both ways - that I have organised events with her and her family at my house but not invited them. Now that she is likely going to be moving in with me permanently and losing her house I just wonder if this issue between them can ever be rectified?

Think that bit through again. Is it possible that your kids see her isolating you from them? That her silence and then complaining about them to you is more than just shyness?

They are right, it is a two way thing and currently, from what you have written, they are keeping their door open tp her and you seem to be closing yours to them, more replacing them with her family!! That happens a lot, so many threads here from people who 'lost' their dad when he gained a new family.

Think about the difference between your thread title and what you typed in the post. Your thread title states that your kids don't like her, but you say that when asked they say it's not that they don't like her, it's that they don't know her

Why that discrepency? What makes you feel uneasy about this?