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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Adult children don't like my partner

144 replies

user7854 · 18/03/2021 11:06

Just saw a similar thread on here so thought I would share my own experience to gauge people's thoughts.

My adult children (all over 30) dislike my partner, though they have never told me this, it is clear. I've been with my partner 4 years (single before that for many, many years and divorced their mother when they were children under 10).

I think the reason they dislike her is because of the position she has ended up in. She was a carer for her daughter so has never been able to work, own a house, or have savings (she actually has debts). Her daughter has now become independent in a relationship and moved in with her boyfriend so my partner has lost all her benefits and has become financially dependent on me. I think my kids look down on her for this reason.

They make no effort with her, never ask me how she is, and occasionally don't invite her to events. I always feel like I have to ask if she can come. My partner's self-esteem is rock bottom and she feels like she isn't good enough. She feels like they are civil to her and reasonably polite but she doesn't feel liked or approved of.

I just feel so stressed with it all, the fact that it's clear they don't like her and I find it so rude when they don't invite her to things like meals. I have asked them outright and they say it's not that they don't like her, it's that they don't know her as when she attends events she doesn't speak. Her shyness is as a result of feeling not liked. They also said it works both ways - that I have organised events with her and her family at my house but not invited them. Now that she is likely going to be moving in with me permanently and losing her house I just wonder if this issue between them can ever be rectified?

OP posts:

jessycake · 28/03/2021 08:26

It's no one's business whether she works or is dependent on you , if you are happy and enjoy each others company . If you own your own house it might be an idea to see a solicitor to protect your partner so she always has a home and to protect your own and financial interests.

KatherineJaneway · 28/03/2021 09:06

Sounds like your partner makes little effort. I know people who are quiet and shy yet they can do the basics when in company.

If my Dad's gf came to events I organised and didn't say anything, I wouldn't be bothered with her either. Your kids are polite and civil to her which, given her inability to even do some basic sentences like 'how was your weekend', 'how's the job going', is understandable.

Ineedaduvetday · 28/03/2021 12:37

@user7854

Hi OP, has your gf tried to get to know your children, had conversations with them before when they first met her?

Ariela · 28/03/2021 13:24

@KatherineJaneway

Sounds like your partner makes little effort. I know people who are quiet and shy yet they can do the basics when in company.

I'd pop this a little more politely and suggest OP looks at paying for some confidence training and people skills training. This would help partner in many ways but also allow I feel a better relationship with OP's children if she can be more comfortable around them.

This in turn would enable her more in job hunting - as she'll surely need to clear that debt which again would improve her self perception.. I'm sure there is something she can do there to find a position that's interesting, and fulfilling and within her capabilities. For example, me and my friend have decided we're going to give up the day job when we retire and work in a garden centre as we both love gardens and plants. So would be a hobby job to bring in a little extra to cover the bills.

Becstar90 · 28/03/2021 13:39

They are being unfair.

KatherineJaneway · 28/03/2021 13:46

Re-reading my comment it is a bit harsh, apologies OP.

ShteakandShpuds · 28/03/2021 13:59

Sounds like the kids might be worried about losing their inheritance?

As you are all adults, you don't need their approval over your relationship. How would they react if you told them you were thinking of getting re-married?

I suspect that will clarify whether it's you or themselves they're mainly concerned about.

WisnaeMe · 31/03/2021 22:07

I suspect nobody likes to see their Dad or Mum taken advantage of either. 🌸

Ibizafun · 31/03/2021 23:23

They are it seems as others have said, worried about their inheritance. Only you really know this lady but if she truly makes you happy, who are they to suggest otherwise.

I despise adult children who feel entitled to inheritance. What is the point of wills then, why are estates not automatically passed in uk to adult children? Because one is meant to have a choice, that’s why. I certainly don’t feel entitled to my parents money.

WisnaeMe · 01/04/2021 05:14

Perhaps with the lady not having any income, not having a home, not able to contribute to the bills food anything, makes this a bit more than worrying about 'inheritance' ... who says there even is an inheritance .. the house alone perhaps, but I think every person on this Thread would question anyone who is suddenly fully financially dependant on your parent, and moved into their home due to homelessness. Concern for your parent being financially abused, must be a thought to cross your mind. If you're saying you wouldn't give it a second thought, I think you are being dishonest. Everyone fears relatives being taken advantage of .. no matter what their age 🌸

RedFrogsRule · 01/04/2021 05:35

Lots of obsession with money and inheritance...

Take the money out by sitting down with the kids (hypothetically if necessary) and saying you have a new will which gives this woman 6 months to vacate the property you share and she has no financial claim on your estate. Then say you’d really like them to accept her more but recognise they don’t find it easy and can they express their concerns...is it they don’t have a rapport or are there other issues?

Talking about money and inheritance is ok... I’ve done it with my children and my husband who is not their father. The children inherit. He will move out but has two years grace. He is happy with this arrangement as his children will inherit his estate and I won’t make any claim on that. Financial independence is good and possible.

haggistramp · 01/04/2021 06:00

Fkn hell, your poor dp. Everybody makes out they give a shit for disabled children and the sacrifices (usually) mothers make in raising them. But in reality people don't care, and once that disabled child is an adult, those carers who have given their best years to them, know your place. Don't even think about trying to rejoin society or have meaningful relationships with anyone out of your lowly social standing. Your kids think she is a sponger and are worried about any future inheritance they think they are owed. If you love your dp (did I read you've been with her 4 years so assuming this is a fairly serious relationship and you do) then put your own happiness first and tell your children to grow up. Or better yet repay them in kind and start treating their partners how they are treating yours. If you own your house and she moves in/is living with you I'd arrange a liferent in case you pass before her as I have the feeling your kids would kick her out and leave her homeless before your body was even cold.

Neonlightning · 01/04/2021 06:01

My dad now has a partner after my mum died 7 years ago. I want him to be happy (I know some widow children get weird about their surviving partner dating), but honestly I was concerned he would be taken advantage of financially as he is very generous.

His partner is great, works and owns her own home. Again to be honest, her being financially independent made it easier to form a connection with her; I knew she was in the relationship for the right reason and not for the money. They manage their own money/house, and then 50/50 split pay their travels.

If my dad has a partner with no financial independence I don't think I would have been able to connect with her the same. I would always question is she just with him for the money/home/travel.

I want to make it clear, this is not about any future inheritance I may receive, but not wanting him to be financially taken advantage of. Which does happen.

AtlasPine · 01/04/2021 06:06

I think some posters are being horribly judgemental about this woman. Calling her a freeloader for caring for her disabled child. She is shy and has had what sounds like a tough life. I hope you find happiness with her and the kind of companionship which means you are not sitting around getting dusty while your children wait for their inheritance.

The comments suggesting their inheritance is more important than your happiness are frankly disgusting. No one has a right to their parents’ assets. You could live another 30 years and she could end up caring for you for many of those years. Who knows? If you love her then do what you want. And support her to grow in confidence - hopefully your adult children will get used to her and see she makes you happy.

me4real · 01/04/2021 07:57

She has been applying for jobs though recently since she will be losing her carers benefits. She's losing her house because this is paid for by her daughter's disability benefits and her daughter is moving in with her boyfriend so the benefits will go with them.

@user7854 I know quite a bit about benefits. What she's saying doesn't ring true. If she was entitled to help with housing costs, she will still be entitled to it. Disability benefits aren't to cover the cost of housing. I think her self-incurred debts are more the cause of her having financial issues (if she does genuinely have debts.)

TheNorthWind · 01/04/2021 08:48

Ignoring all the fuss about her (lack of) income, her prospects, what she could do to pep her CV etc.

Are you really being fair to your children OP? Who is she to them really? Why should they care about her?

She's just some woman who doesn't even live with you, and who hangs around family gatherings needing hosting and taking up your time and attention without really participating or contributing anything herself. So they are polite, but indifferent. You have no right to expect anything more of them.

AtlasPine · 01/04/2021 09:04

@TheNorthWind

Ignoring all the fuss about her (lack of) income, her prospects, what she could do to pep her CV etc.

Are you really being fair to your children OP? Who is she to them really? Why should they care about her?

How would you feel if your mil said that about you? She’s the women their dad has chosen and who has chosen their dad. It really doesn’t sound like she’s done anything offensive.

TheNorthWind · 01/04/2021 09:15

AtlasPine

I'd feel fine about it. It's not personal.

I'll go with stepmother rather than MIL. I'm an adult. She's in a relationship with my father, not me. I'm not suddenly going to start acting like she's a second mother who's been missing all my life.

I'd be polite, friendly. I'd have no problem with her. But I'd be sad if I couldn't see my dad independently of her from time to time.

Again, they're not even actually living together. For the adult kids, she's just a girlfriend. She's not as central a figure in their lives as she is in his and never will be.

What I'm describing is indifference, not malice.

AtlasPine · 01/04/2021 12:11

Fair enough.

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