Adult children don't like my partner

[user7854]

Just saw a similar thread on here so thought I would share my own experience to gauge people's thoughts.

My adult children (all over 30) dislike my partner, though they have never told me this, it is clear. I've been with my partner 4 years (single before that for many, many years and divorced their mother when they were children under 10).

I think the reason they dislike her is because of the position she has ended up in. She was a carer for her daughter so has never been able to work, own a house, or have savings (she actually has debts). Her daughter has now become independent in a relationship and moved in with her boyfriend so my partner has lost all her benefits and has become financially dependent on me. I think my kids look down on her for this reason.

They make no effort with her, never ask me how she is, and occasionally don't invite her to events. I always feel like I have to ask if she can come. My partner's self-esteem is rock bottom and she feels like she isn't good enough. She feels like they are civil to her and reasonably polite but she doesn't feel liked or approved of.

I just feel so stressed with it all, the fact that it's clear they don't like her and I find it so rude when they don't invite her to things like meals. I have asked them outright and they say it's not that they don't like her, it's that they don't know her as when she attends events she doesn't speak. Her shyness is as a result of feeling not liked. They also said it works both ways - that I have organised events with her and her family at my house but not invited them. Now that she is likely going to be moving in with me permanently and losing her house I just wonder if this issue between them can ever be rectified?

I think hink the reason they dislike her is because of the position she has ended up in. She was a carer for her daughter so has never been able to work, own a house, or have savings (she actually has debts). Her daughter has now become independent in a relationship and moved in with her boyfriend so my partner has lost all her benefits and has become financially dependent on me.

These two statements do seem to contradict each other op. How did the daughter go from needing ft care to being so independent to moving on with a partner?

There’s a lot of judgey posts here. As a carer to a disabled child and someone with long term disabilities myself life isn’t always simple! I worked full time in demanding senior roles until I had my son at 32, then developed serious health issues and am unable to work again - I’m on the highest levels of disability benefits long term / indefinitely. So - if you love her and you make each other happy you should go for it, life is too short.

But -

Protect your assets. Don’t put her on the mortgage or house deeds. Protect your children’s inheritance if there is one. This may be their concern.

Personally I completely see their point. I wouldn't move in with someone who has debts. Maybe they don't look down on her but worry that now she can't get benefits she's looking for a free ride from you.
I think she should get a job - perhaps as a carer as she obviously has a lot of experience, pay off her debts, and then she can look at moving in with you.

Bagel I think posters including myself are questioning how the dd went from needing ft care to suddenly being independent? That's a very valid point.

@Sahm101

I think hink the reason they dislike her is because of the position she has ended up in. She was a carer for her daughter so has never been able to work, own a house, or have savings (she actually has debts). Her daughter has now become independent in a relationship and moved in with her boyfriend so my partner has lost all her benefits and has become financially dependent on me.

These two statements do seem to contradict each other op. How did the daughter go from needing ft care to being so independent to moving on with a partner?

People who have autism, other disabilities or learning difficulties can become independent with support or supported living arrangements and can have successful relationships. We don’t know what the situation is.

@Sahm101

Bagel I think posters including myself are questioning how the dd went from needing ft care to suddenly being independent? That's a very valid point.

I think it’s very possible - as per my post above. My friends son who has severe and complex autism has now moved into a supported living accommodation with his girlfriend and they have carers etc popping in. Parents can’t always provide the care needed forever and there are other options. Perhaps the op can elaborate on the situation.

They are worried that when you go, the Will money will go her way. Guarantee that if you tell them that your will stipulates all assets to go to them, they'll suddenly be more friendly to her.

Also, she cam sign on surely?

Thanks for all the messages, The daughter's boyfriend also has a learning disability, by independent I meant more her daughter will live independent from her mum, but her boyfriend will provide care, though he has a disability himself, he is able to work and drive, which my partner's daughter can't do. They will also receive support from social services.

*can

Some people on here are being incredibly harsh against this woman they know little about.

Many carers give up so much for the person they care for that it makes it so difficult when that person is then cared for by someone else.
Ive been a carer for my daughter since I was 25. I hope to hell she is able to lead an independent life but at the moment its highly unlikely. If she was to find a partner and receive her care from him I will have a huge huge gap in employment. It wont be easy at all starting again with more experienced and qualified people to compete against. Caring for someone is difficult but it is often the right thing to do, this woman has done nothing wrong in that.
She now finds herself in a tough spot and her partners kids are getting defensive over their assumed inheritance. They are adults now they have their own lives they need to stop trying to impact on your life in such a negative way. I would step back from them, you know this woman and whether she is using you or not, how much she is trying to find work or not. Go by your own instincts.

Why has your partner not made any effort to get to know your children? Shyness is hard but it is a two way street. The fact she's moaning about them but not putting in the effort when she herself isn't would be a red flag to me.

I understand the concerns raised hereamd would say protect your assets. Also how big is her debt? How will she pay it off? What will happen if the daughters relationship breaks down? Would she be expected to move in with you two? As that would have an impact on your life too. Your children are only looking out for you

I think the responses would have been different if you'd said "my partner is reliant on benefits because she has a severely disabled daughter that she provides full time care for" but your post seems to suggest that the daughter is actually pretty independent if she is capable of having an adult relationship and move in with her partner.

If the daughter is fairly independent, then there is no reason why she couldn't have got a part time job years ago. Even something like a few hours pw of cleaning or a few hours as a midday assistant at the local primary school. The person you describe in your OP sounds incredibly passive as though she hasn't taken any responsibility for her life at all and now she's expecting you to do it for her.

A lot of ignorance and ableism on here. A lot of ignorance on the significance of the sacrifice a carer makes. And jobs of course are simple to get?

Your children see a gold digger.

If she wants you to marry her and insists on mirror wills or in any other way wants legal entitlement to your assets now or at any time in the future they will be right.

If she is clear that you are not here meal ticket they will come round I am sure.

OP what happens if your relationship doesn't work out?

I can see why your DC aren't happy. Of course you can say it's not their business but then don't complain that they don't invite her to things.

In their shoes, I'd be worried that if something happened to you, the lady would be approaching them for money.

You can still have a happy relationship with her without living together. She needs to look after herself, she is not your responsibility.

Have you made it clear to your children what your partner is bringing to your relationship. It sounds like absolutely nothing on paper so I imagine that they think she's taking advantage of you. Are you the kind of person who will find it difficult to call time on your relationship if it doesn't work out in the future or will you feel tied by your partner's situation ?

@Wanderlusto Also, she can sign on surely?

Not if she's living with a partner with a certain level of income. I mean, yes she could sign on, but she wouldn't get any cash.

Perhaps OP should encourage her to apply for UC now instead?

I'm not sure why the offspring are complaining about OP's partner having parties without inviting them. Inviting someone but not their adult children is completely different from inviting someone but not their long-term life partner. (As is hosting a party with your partner and not inviting your own adult children.)

@Sakurami

I think you need to make it clear to them that she did work, she was just kind of unpaid for it. And now she is being made redundant and due to health reasons she can't start working now at 60.

But she makes you happy. You've been single a long time and love her. It is a serious relationship of 4 years and you would really appreciate if they were happy for you and made more of an effort to include her. It must be hard for her to be sociable and chatty when she knows they don't really like her.

Your children are old enough now to understand. If they have partners, ask them how they'd feel if you were unwelcoming etc towards them

This.

Your children are essentially saying you are not intelligent enough to make a choice about who is your partner.

She makes you happy, so end of the day, its none of their business. And I agree, ask them how they would feel if it were reversed and you opening showed you didn't like their partner and excluded them from things.

Your children are civil to her. That's all you have any right to expect. If you foist this woman onto them - and she sounds a real livewire! - then you might find that you're also excluded from family events.

She now finds herself in a tough spot and her partners kids are getting defensive over their assumed inheritance. They are adults now they have their own lives they need to stop trying to impact on your life in such a negative way.

Firstly we don’t know that the kids are getting defensive over inheritance at all.

Secondly they are not actively trying to impact on their dads life in a negative way, they are polite to the woman when in her company and have pointed out to the OP that being included at family events works both ways.

If this were to happen to my dad my concern would be with regards to his future, if he needs care or a care home himself, his funds for that would come from his savings and the sale of his home.

If he’s used his savings to financially support someone that has never been in paid employment, to help pay off her debts, and the house can’t be sold because she’s living there or has some kind of claim on it, he’d be stuffed and would end up seeing out his days in the most basic council funded care home rather than the much nicer place he could afford.

Another one here who says if your children are civil to her then thats all you can expect really.

I'd be heartbroken if one of my parents ended up with a partner like that (as the others have said, she's a dependant rather than a partner).

Have you asked her what her plans were for when her daughter turned 18 and all the money related to her ran out?

@user7854

Thanks for all the messages, The daughter's boyfriend also has a learning disability, by independent I meant more her daughter will live independent from her mum, but her boyfriend will provide care, though he has a disability himself, he is able to work and drive, which my partner's daughter can't do. They will also receive support from social services.

This doesn't make sense to me. Your partner couldn't work because she was caring for her daughter - this would suggest the daughter has quite severe needs.

But the daughter is now moving in her with her boyfriend who is going to provide care for her but he works so why couldn't your partner have a job whilst doing the caring? The daugher is clearly capable of looking after herself whilst her boyfriend works so why couldn't she do that whilst her mother worked?

I'm a carer and I juggle a full time job so I do know how difficult it is. I'm fortunate that I can now work from home as my caring responsiblities have increased so I know how demanding it can be doing both.

I think your children are concerned for valid reasons.

Hi OP
This sounds like an awkward situation for you to be in. I agree with previous posters that it looks like your children may feel she is dependent on you and potentially feeling protective of you. I would talk to one of your children, maybe one you find it easiest to communicate with and let them know how you feel. Perhaps this may help them open up to you about what's going on with them. Hopefully this will help bring to light what's going on and they may see that how they are behaving is impacting on you and your partner.