Adult children don't like my partner

[user7854]

Just saw a similar thread on here so thought I would share my own experience to gauge people's thoughts.

My adult children (all over 30) dislike my partner, though they have never told me this, it is clear. I've been with my partner 4 years (single before that for many, many years and divorced their mother when they were children under 10).

I think the reason they dislike her is because of the position she has ended up in. She was a carer for her daughter so has never been able to work, own a house, or have savings (she actually has debts). Her daughter has now become independent in a relationship and moved in with her boyfriend so my partner has lost all her benefits and has become financially dependent on me. I think my kids look down on her for this reason.

They make no effort with her, never ask me how she is, and occasionally don't invite her to events. I always feel like I have to ask if she can come. My partner's self-esteem is rock bottom and she feels like she isn't good enough. She feels like they are civil to her and reasonably polite but she doesn't feel liked or approved of.

I just feel so stressed with it all, the fact that it's clear they don't like her and I find it so rude when they don't invite her to things like meals. I have asked them outright and they say it's not that they don't like her, it's that they don't know her as when she attends events she doesn't speak. Her shyness is as a result of feeling not liked. They also said it works both ways - that I have organised events with her and her family at my house but not invited them. Now that she is likely going to be moving in with me permanently and losing her house I just wonder if this issue between them can ever be rectified?

Why doesn't she look for work - there's plenty of options even with a bad back. Part time at least to pay her own way. I'm not in a dissimilar situation, I'm my DD's carer etc but I work pt so I can cover my own personal costs and pay half the food and half the council tax. Admin roles in small companies, non profits, carers agencies perhaps I would look into, the job centre run free courses too

Ps I get the daughter being independent, dp's dd lives independently with carers, and yes that meant his ex lost all benefits (but it was best for her)

I wouldn't be happy, either. I'd worry she saw you as a cash cow - she's only 60, why can't she earn money like everyone else?

She shouldn't be completely dependent on you, that's not good for either of you.

@user7854 - just wondered how you are doing? Have the replies been overwhelming for you? Are you reading stuff that:

1: Is offensive and not your personal experience - so way of the mark?

2: Stings but making you think?

3: Can see polarised stances of your DC and partner and struggling to see how to resolve this?

Get your partner to apply for agency care work. She can try out different work places and build her confidence.

Also don’t expect invites to meals, do less formal meet ups like a walk in the countryside together with picnic. Do this with all your children separately so there’s the potential to build relations 1:1 in a casual manner.

Your partner can use some stock questions like ‘have you had a good week’ to start conversations . She’s not helping the situation by refusing to speak

Can she move in to her own flat? She is effectively being made homeless and would be better to remedy her own housing issue through benefits and the LA initially. Finding a small flat and a job will build her esteem.

You clearly think the kids don’t like her but your children have said otherwise. Said they don’t talk so don’t know her. Why don't you believe your kids? Take the kids word for it and stop assuming they don’t like her. Ask your partner to make an effort 1:1 with each individual child. Reassure your partner they haven't said anything negative about her.

I’m going to go against the grain and say I think your DC are wrong to not make your partner feel welcome. Have you asked your DC how they would feel if you treated their partners this way? In a family you often have to accept the partner your relation has chosen even if you’re not a fan. You invite them to family events along side your sibling/parent/child even if they’re boring / annoying / too loud etc. However, you wouldn’t expect to be invited to an event for your DS and DIL were hosting for DIL’s family, so I’m not sure why they expect an invite to your partner’s family event.

I must admit I’m astounded by how many people think it’s okay to try to control who their parents have relationships with, dressing it up as “we’re just worried your being taken advantage of”. Whilst forgetting that their parents are adults capable of making their own decisions, and that they (the grown up child) would go nuts if their parent tried to similarly interfere in their relationship.

Of course, very little of the above applies in the case of an actual abusive relationship, but yours doesn’t even sound close to that.

I can see why they’re worried.

Would you be proposing to make your will in her favour rather than your children? If not, I would tell them, and her, that and reassure them that you’re not being taken for a mug moneywise.

Also if you’re thinking of getting married then a prenup would make sense and again reassure your family that she’s not involved with you for material benefit.

There are some vanishingly naive and/ or cruel people on this - there are thousands of (usually female) carers up and down the country in exactly the same precarious financial situation as OP's partner. The suggestion that they should have arranged some kind of financial provision for themselves (please do tell me how?) or should never be able to enter into a relationship with somebody better off (spoiler alert: almost everyone is better off than a carer) is heartbreaking to read.

I know someone in almost exactly the same situation. An incredible, strong, bright, funny woman who raised her 3 kids on her own and continued to care full time for her son with Downs and autism into adulthood (with a small amount of support from her local council). He's now 37 and has made a very close friend through his drama group, this chap is a touch more independent and has the benefit of wealthy parents who are setting him up in his own flat with paid carers, and have asked my friend if her son would like to move in as a housemate. This is a remarkable opportunity for her son, a chance to live outside his childhood home and have a taste of the life he deserves, the council are also totally behind the move (looks good on their 'independence' data) and have agreed to reconfigure the son's small care package to support this new living arrangement - but the reality is its going to leave my friend with an absolutely enormous gap in her finances, time, identity etc. At 63 and with her own health difficulties caused by a life time of poverty and caring I don't much rate her chances of finding a well paying job do you? But according to this thread she's a lazy scrounger who should be thrown onto the scrap heap and not be allowed the pleasure of an intimate relationship lest some grabby middle class cunts start getting anxious about their inheritance.

Op it's not really your children's destination. I've also seen a lot of people ask why she hasn't looked for a job. They obviously haven't read all of your posts. It will be difficult for her to find a job now sadly but she'll have to keep trying.

However unfortunately if she moves in with you she won't get universal credit, which might be an issue 🤔.

Maybe start trying to invite your children to your get togethers too?

@Sanchez79

There are some vanishingly naive and/ or cruel people on this - there are thousands of (usually female) carers up and down the country in exactly the same precarious financial situation as OP's partner. The suggestion that they should have arranged some kind of financial provision for themselves (please do tell me how?) or should never be able to enter into a relationship with somebody better off (spoiler alert: almost everyone is better off than a carer) is heartbreaking to read.

I know someone in almost exactly the same situation. An incredible, strong, bright, funny woman who raised her 3 kids on her own and continued to care full time for her son with Downs and autism into adulthood (with a small amount of support from her local council). He's now 37 and has made a very close friend through his drama group, this chap is a touch more independent and has the benefit of wealthy parents who are setting him up in his own flat with paid carers, and have asked my friend if her son would like to move in as a housemate. This is a remarkable opportunity for her son, a chance to live outside his childhood home and have a taste of the life he deserves, the council are also totally behind the move (looks good on their 'independence' data) and have agreed to reconfigure the son's small care package to support this new living arrangement - but the reality is its going to leave my friend with an absolutely enormous gap in her finances, time, identity etc. At 63 and with her own health difficulties caused by a life time of poverty and caring I don't much rate her chances of finding a well paying job do you? But according to this thread she's a lazy scrounger who should be thrown onto the scrap heap and not be allowed the pleasure of an intimate relationship lest some grabby middle class cunts start getting anxious about their inheritance.

This.

Your children are not being rude to her, in fact polite and invite her to events after you ask etc. You have put the blame on them while your partner is described as shy as an excuse to why she won’t put the effort in to get to know them, while also leaving them out of events held at your home. I don’t blame your children of being wary of her-already she has put a block between you and them, and you are taking her side when they have done nothing wrong as well as the fact you have assets and she has none. Obviously she has been a carer and that is important work, but in your op you say that the daughters boyfriend has a disability, drives and works as well as taking the caring duties on. If he can why could she not. If you were my father I would be upset about you possibly being taken for everything you have, not from an inheritance point of view-though seeing his hard earned money go to some else would make me furious, not because I want it but because they don’t deserve it. But because I love him and I want him to have an equal partner, not someone he has to look after. Maybe don’t marry her until she has had a job for a few years and is more of an equal partner.

Finding a small flat and a job will build her esteem.

Armchair psychologist and stranger on Internet tells two consenting, grown adults to reconsider their living arrangements fucking laughable, classic classic Mumsnet though

Jesus, she's 60 with back problems and has been a carer for however many years - she's not exactly going to be snapped up on the job market, is she?

OP has entered the relationship as an adult with his eyes open and chosen to support her - why on earth should he now try to make her work to satisfy his children?

you say that the daughters boyfriend has a disability, drives and works as well as taking the caring duties on. If he can why could she not.
Because the boyfriend is in his 20s, in his full strength, and she is 60 and worn down by a hard life of poverty and physical labour, maybe?

If you were my father I would be upset about you possibly being taken for everything you have
Or perhaps he doesn't want to spend years in a nursing home. Perhaps he sees the huge financial and independence advantages in having his own personal, dedicated carer in his own home. Care homes charge £800- £1500 per week. Say £50,000 per year ball park. She would probably stay with him, even with Alzheimers, and do her best. She has already demonstrated what she will do for love.

Try looking at things from your Dad's viewpoint!

It sounds like you essentially expect your kids to be the grown ups in the situation and infantilise your partner.

They have to make more of an effort with your partner even though they have always been polite to her and are happy for her to attend events with you. She on the other hand doesn’t always include them or talk to them but you don’t have the same expectations of her.

I think if my dad had a new partner whilst I would be happy to include her there are times I would also like to see him on his own too, have you considered that even adult children miss spending one on one time with their parents?

They aren't small , she's not their new mummy , see them on your own.
I haven't seen my Dad on his own for nearly 40 years.

I must admit I’m astounded by how many people think it’s okay to try to control who their parents have relationships with, dressing it up as “we’re just worried your being taken advantage of”. Whilst forgetting that their parents are adults capable of making their own decisions, and that they (the grown up child) would go nuts if their parent tried to similarly interfere in their relationship.

Absolutely

Carers do an amazing job! So sad it’s left her in a position where she is now without a home and without a role. It’s also sad she may feel she has no choice but to move in with you. The good news is that paid carers are high in demand. She might want to look at a live in carer job

I'm not accepting of my Mum's dependent partner. Although I've never outwardly said so, she obviously knows from comments she's said in the past.
My mum pays for everything, he doesn't work as he has terrible anxiety. He is also now physically ill after becoming an alcoholic a few years ago, although now doesn't touch alcohol.
My Mum has changed a lot and not for the better. I'm pleasant but find it difficult to respect him. I send him gifts at Christmas and birthdays to please my Mum, but I wouldn't ordinarily give him the time of day.

VQ1970

I completely agree with everything you have written.

The children don’t have to like her. If you push it they’ll just stop inviting you both to events.

This is a very unbalanced relationship, you seem to have taken the role of hero, financially and emotionally.

Also your partner is an adult, it’s pretty silly that you’re beating your chest about how mean your kids are for not “liking” her because she’s shy. It’s up to her to speak up and fit in, she’s not a child who needs pandering to socially, and if she can’t or won’t ... I guess that feeds the knight in shining armour role. They are polite to her as you have said and sometimes but not always invite her to places. That should be enough for you, surely you are capable of doing things with your kids separately from her anyway when you have only been with her for 4 years? Don’t be so co dependent and stop forcing her on your kids. Whatever is happening in this relationship, it sounds like it has damaged your relationship with your kids and that is because of your behaviour and your expectations of them.

Have you taken precautions to ensure your children will inherit everything if you die? If the genders were reversed in this situation she’d be called a cocklodger.

I feel sorry for her. Sure, her situation isn't ideal, but then life is rarely black or white.
The shyness is probably a result of being at home with her daughter all those years, and not having to hone her social skills.

Oh and these days its not unusual for men in their 70s to meet women in tbeir early 40s (thanks to online dating) so its not beyond rhe realms of possibility that a man of that age ends up with a woman who either wants a family, or shock horror already has a young family

What total nonsense. I'm on the dating scene, as are some of my friends, and we're all in our 40s. Not one of us would look twice at a man in his 70s.
I'd think it rare that anyone did.