Adult children don't like my partner

[user7854]

Just saw a similar thread on here so thought I would share my own experience to gauge people's thoughts.

My adult children (all over 30) dislike my partner, though they have never told me this, it is clear. I've been with my partner 4 years (single before that for many, many years and divorced their mother when they were children under 10).

I think the reason they dislike her is because of the position she has ended up in. She was a carer for her daughter so has never been able to work, own a house, or have savings (she actually has debts). Her daughter has now become independent in a relationship and moved in with her boyfriend so my partner has lost all her benefits and has become financially dependent on me. I think my kids look down on her for this reason.

They make no effort with her, never ask me how she is, and occasionally don't invite her to events. I always feel like I have to ask if she can come. My partner's self-esteem is rock bottom and she feels like she isn't good enough. She feels like they are civil to her and reasonably polite but she doesn't feel liked or approved of.

I just feel so stressed with it all, the fact that it's clear they don't like her and I find it so rude when they don't invite her to things like meals. I have asked them outright and they say it's not that they don't like her, it's that they don't know her as when she attends events she doesn't speak. Her shyness is as a result of feeling not liked. They also said it works both ways - that I have organised events with her and her family at my house but not invited them. Now that she is likely going to be moving in with me permanently and losing her house I just wonder if this issue between them can ever be rectified?

I have some friends who have conditions that means that they can neither work nor really do much of the practical stuff at home. One couldn't have children either. Their spouses love them and they have such lovely loving and happy relationships that have lasted a long time.

OP was single for a long time so he's obviously choosy. I'm sure that after 4 years, he can judge for himself - it's not a rash decision.

And I also have friends who are carers and I'm much more in awe of them and their contribution than friends who earn 6 figure salaries. The few times my kids have been ill and needed round the clock care have been enough for me to realise that carers are saints and (as you can tell from this thread) astonishingly under appreciated.

The same with sahms. I loved having my kids and being a sahm but being a sahm was by far harder than my full time fun job that I do now. Even though I can work 12 hour days as I am setting up a new business , it is a doddle compared being a sahm.

There are a lot of ignorant comments on here about her being a carer. She sacrificed her life for her child, it is one of the hardest jobs to do.
My mum cared for my brother who was profoundly disabled. When he died at 20 she couldn't get a job at 56. She tried everything, despite the depression and grief of loosing him. Financially it was devastating for my mum and dad. Within 2 weeks the car was gone despite paying thousands on a deposit for it just 2 months before and all money stopped immediately. There's no help for carers that have sacrificed their careers and better years of their life. It was heartbreaking.
She now works one day a week volunteering at a charity shop (covid permitted).
I work in adult services for learning disabilities and every year there is more support coming and being built up for those who otherwise couldn't be independent. It should be praised that this woman has been able guide her child from dependency to a more fulfilling life with the help of support services.
OP if you love this woman for the person she is the rest will work it self out. Your children just need to step back and actually try to get to know her and see what you see in her. Good luck!

@Anonapuss
What an astounding comment.

What do you mean she has never provided for herself? She has been working 24/7 looking after a disabled child....
And her 'next cash cow' ..... like what the actual f%$k! Cause she must be soooo disappointed now her disability benefits have gone, that her child that she probably feared would never be able to become part of society has been able to gain independence. I'm sure she would have preferred it if her child was more disabled so she could take all that money till the day she died and keep cashing in. Seriously you should be ashamed of the comment

If someone is very shy then it is difficult to get to know them enough to go from being civil to genuinely liking someone. My dad has a shy wife and it's painfully akward to make small talk with her, my Dad acts like a very different person when he is at an event alone to when he is with her. Your DCs may think that actually it is the wife who doesn't like them as sometimes shyness can come across as arrogance or hostility.

Inheritance may also be a factor, my parents both inherited from thier grandparents and parents which has certainly helped them get on the property ladder. I would find it very, very hard not to be resentful if a parent's money went to a gold digger rather than stayed in the family.

They could also be worried about care in the future, if you are funding another adult, is this going to dry up any money required for your care l meaning your DCs will have to take on a more proactive role in your care?

They may simply dislike seeing thier father be taken advantage of.

@Yuppie20
Clearly you're rather blinkered yourself.
64% of carers in the UK are also employed to some degree. That is only 10% less than non-carers. So the expectation of others that she could have possibly worked isnt as outragious as you seem to think.

Additionally, the OP stated that - although able - their partner is choosing to not persue work as an option now, despite probably being aware for some time her daughter was ready to spread her wings - these things dont occur overnight.
If you read back to the opening statement the OP made, they said the daughter is living independently. Implying that no care is required, although that has SINCE been updated.

Just because it twanged a nerve in you, it doesnt make it an invalid perspective, especially when i was giving it as a worst case perspective of his children looking at this scenario and worrying for their parent.

Many other posters seem to agree.

Because of the partners mindset, as others have pointed out, the OP is taking on a dependent who is in debt.

No amount of sympathy for their position changes the cold hard reality, sadly.

Its entirely the OPs choice should they want to get into this scenario and shoulder the financial responsibility for their partner, but its best to go in eyes open.

but her boyfriend will provide care, though he has a disability himself, he is able to work and drive, which my partner's daughter can't do.

Maybe they are questioning how the DD partner is able to work and the DD is able to cope whilst he is at work.

Maybe they are worried that you will become her physical carer if her fitness and health isn’t already poor? Or if your RS breaks down or the DD RS breaks down that YOU will have some emotional commitments.

Put all the financial stuff to one side.

Your kids invite her to events and she doesn’t even speak, you have events at your house with her family and don’t invite them. Even so they keep inviting her to most things and they are polite and civil to her.

What else do you want them to do. They can’t get to know and like her if she won’t talk, and it’s unfair to expect her to be invited to everything if they aren’t.

Maybe she needs to make an effort to get to know them, she is the adult after all.

I would ask her what her plan was if you had not come along? Did she think she would have carers allowance forever?

People with no plan annoy me. I would be very worried if you were my DF.

OP I am with most of the PPs on this in that I would share the concerns of your children if you were my parent. They are worried about you and about your future, which is totally understandable.

Reading your OP and update I wonder if a big part of the problem is what you describe as your partner’s very low self esteem. She seems highly sensitive to what she perceives as slights from your children and yet their behaviours don’t sound unreasonable. They are civil to her and have tried to include her but she does not seem to have made an effort to engage with them, whether through shyness or because she has already decided that they don’t like her so she is unwilling to engage. If I were you I would strongly encourage her to seek work, as earning her own money will help her self esteem, and also let her contribute to living costs and help pay off her debts. Financial independence will do her, and you, the world of good.

I also second PPs’ recommendations about having very clear legal arrangements for your house and finances, there could be difficult times ahead for you and your children if her intentions are not good, or if the relationship fails.

I'd be wary if one of my parents was in an unequal relationship in this way. It's a really tricky situation for all of you but it sounds like a more open conversation with your kids might help, but whatever you do don't fall out with them about it! I'm in that position as an adult child and despise the partner even more knowing she's driven my dad to that x

I suspect it would start to help if your partner made the effort to engage with your children. At least then they might view her as a kind, outgoing, friendly person rather than a shy woman who's financially dependant on you and not contributing anything to the household. Her confidence would probably increase with working too.

Is there a big age gap between you and your partner? Is her potential as a future carer part of her attraction for you?

Or are you well-matched in life experience, upbringing and values?

There's a lot of concern here about people missing out on their inheritances, but no appreciation that they might also be missing out on having to physically care for their elderly parent.

Cynic hat on. Here goes.

Your adult children aren't worried about your happiness , they are likely more worried about your girlfriend messing up their inheritance.
I've seen it countless times.
I dont think it's your girlfriend who has an agenda in this situation.

Your children may see the girlfriend as an opportunist and you as a mug.

But, hey, if she makes you happy, then whatever. it's not really any of their business.

I never bothered learning the names of my Dad's mistresses, girl friends, partners, wives - not because I didn't like the women. I didn't like him. So, there's that to consider too.

There could be a whole heap of unpleasant issues: money, class, respect, jealousy.

How is ypur relationship with them otherwise? How were they with otjer relationships?

Many questions the answers to which might help give insight into their concerns.

How did you meet? What would she have done if you hadn’t swept in to save her? Why isn’t she trying to make an effort to interact at gatherings? Are you planning to marry her?

@RestingPandaFace

Put all the financial stuff to one side.

Your kids invite her to events and she doesn’t even speak, you have events at your house with her family and don’t invite them. Even so they keep inviting her to most things and they are polite and civil to her.

What else do you want them to do. They can’t get to know and like her if she won’t talk, and it’s unfair to expect her to be invited to everything if they aren’t.

Maybe she needs to make an effort to get to know them, she is the adult after all.

This ^

Your kids are adults and get to choose who they hang out with and get on with. She hasn’t made much effort. So here you are. It’s sad but it’s not the kids that need to change 🤷‍♀️

What type of accommodation was she in as she wouldn’t be made homeless and she could go to the council in her own right to get a one bed flat.
I would let her live independently first and still see her.
She maybe a freeloader - living off others finances-= now that’s gone she’s after opting in with you.
Just be mindful and don’t take everything she says at face value.
You can check out yourself re her accommodation issues - she can’t be made homeless.

I really wouldn't like my father in this sort of relationship. I wouldn't welcome a dependent into the family as I would an equal partner.

Did you plan to move in together or was it pushed by your partner's living situation?

She has long carer experience and as far as i know there is demand for carers especially now after Brexit.
So, if she wants to find a job, there are jobs out there.
And yes, your children feel excluded when you have events with her family and they are not invited. They might think that they will be excluded from your life even more after your partner moves in permanently.

@TinCanCollector

Why isn't your partner working? Why is she financially dependent on you? Why is she losing her house? Why is it up to you to solve all that for her?

I can see why your adult children may be wary of her. You've said yourself, they are civil and polite, and regardless of anything else, I don't think you can ask for more - you can't make your children 'like' or 'approve' of her.

very valid questions and I'd also be asking what would she have done had you not agreed to financially support her for the rest of her life, does she now inherit from you?

Your children have had many years of you being single. Perhaps it's habit and comfort to just have you around by yourself? If you're not living together then maybe there have been fewer opportunities for get togethers? Also your partner is expected to integrate with a new family which can be intimidating especially if she's been isolated for many years. Her self esteem is low so the thought of being rejected or judged negatively will be making her feel anxious.

Perhaps they are a little wary if they think she doesn't have the bells and whistles of a good job, own house etc? If that is part of the picture then it's worth reminding your children that a full time carer is a job which isn't very easy to do and she will have sacrificed alot to maintain her daughter's health and well being. If she'd left her daughter in a care facility for many years, people would be judgmental about that too.

Maybe find time to introduce your children and partner in short bursts? Summer's coming up so a nice meet up at an outdoor cafe or a walk maybe easier?

I think all you can do is show them you're happy and confident with your choices, and that you love your partner.

Encourage your partner to participate in family events and help her out as much as you can socially when it's your family events, to help build her confidence. Make sure your family are invited to her events where appropriate so they don't feel excluded.

In time, they'll come round. Or they won't.

But as long as everyone's civil, that'll have to be enough.

You're taking on a liability. I wouldn't be happy if it was my dad.

Was she expecting her DD to live with her forever? She should have expected this day to come.

What was her plan if she didn't meet you?