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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Age gaps

196 replies

FlowersforMe · 17/03/2021 20:48

What would you say is the largest socially acceptable age gap when dating/in a relationship?

OP posts:
GreenlandTheMovie · 21/03/2021 12:22

@Etulosba

Exactly. Interesting they all seem to magically come out of the wood work whenever there's a mumsnet thread on this topic! Hmm

Yes. Funny that, isn't it.

A thread in 'Relationships' titled 'Age gaps' and all these people in age gap relationships join in.

I wonder why that could be.

FFS!

Well, it was kind of funny when there was a thread about not dating men who earned less money than you or were less well qualified (I can't remember exactly which) and all these women popped up to say they were married to multi millionaire plumbers and roofers. I honestly never knew there were so many multi millionaire tradesmen about, and coincidentally how many of them were married to mumsnettters.

I have to say the posters on here with much older male partners seem to have been lucky in their choices. I've always found every single older man who showed interest in me to be annoyingly patronising and controlling and just a little bit of either cynical and/or manipulative. Perhaps all the good ones have been snapped up by mumsbetters!

It's also relatively easy to get an older man boyfriend/partner. Younger men have more choice, attracting someone your own age who is good looking, good company, well educated and motivated in a good career is harder work than getting a man 20 years older than yourself with a divorce, non resident children and maintenance to pay. Most older men are not going to turn down any younger women. All the woman literally has to be is within a certain age bracket.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 21/03/2021 12:26

All the woman literally has to be is within a certain age bracket

Oh thanks. How fucking rude are you.

How do you think it's okay to say that? Seriously?

Maybe we are all fucking thick and unattractive but at least we're not vile.

activitythree · 21/03/2021 12:26

Well, it was kind of funny when there was a thread about not dating men who earned less money than you or were less well qualified (I can't remember exactly which) and all these women popped up to say they were married to multi millionaire plumbers and roofers. I honestly never knew there were so many multi millionaire tradesmen about, and coincidentally how many of them were married to mumsnettters.

Let me tell you what is not 'kind of funny' - it's when people allude to people not being genuine in this thread because it suits their narrative.

activitythree · 21/03/2021 12:30

@TrustTheGeneGenie

All the woman literally has to be is within a certain age bracket

Oh thanks. How fucking rude are you.

How do you think it's okay to say that? Seriously?

Maybe we are all fucking thick and unattractive but at least we're not vile.

This!!

I'm quite stunned people think this is a reasonable way to talk to and about people.

As it happens the person DH fucked before he got together with me was 15 years his senior. His girlfriend of 2 years before that - same age. His ex wife - 2 years older.

He wasn't looking for an 'age' - Tbh he wasn't even looking for a shag at that point let anyone a partner, but that's how these things go.

LivBa · 21/03/2021 12:38

@activitythree

Exactly. Interesting they all seem to magically come out of the wood work whenever there's a mumsnet thread on this topic!

It's a natural consequence of subject. Nobody in the other boards will be posting about the age gap be due it isn't relevant on those threads.

Also, I've yet to encounter a woman in a big age gap relationship with a man much older (I'm not talking about small age gaps which are nornal), who didnt have daddy issues or an abusive past or was with him for money or was very gullible and naive for her age (or a combination of these).

Good god. You really do share that opinion that women with older partners are lacking intelligence, don't you?

'Daddy issues' 'abusive past' 'gullible and naive'

Hilarious. I'm not gullible. DH didn't shower me with promises and pray on my naivety! We had met each other several times over the course of a few years, eventually we were both single and decided to give it a go. We are married, homeowners, with grown up and preteen DC. Our relationship has been relatively boring if anything. I don't mean he doesn't 'do it' for me, I mean there is no drama, no arguing, none of the crap people put up with from their partners in the relationship boards. We are just a normal, boring family. Don't assume my idiocy because my partner happens to be older than me. He has never treated me in the way that many women are every day. He is a good and respectful man, and always has been. Maybe that's what I fell for, his normality.

Naturally, a lot of these women would say they're happy since they don't know any better or their sense of normal is skewed.

That's really dismissive and quite rude. You have made some rather nasty judgements followed by a wee caveat that of course those who say otherwise don't know what normal is.

Go take a look on the relationship boards. Ask everyone their ages and that if their partner. There are hundreds of woman with a skewed sense of 'normal' who are with partners the very same age as them.

@activitythree It's interesting that you judge women who have had abusive pasts and daddy issues to be lacking intelligence. I dont agree with that judgement at all. Many many intelligent women have abusive pasts and/or daddy issues, and regardless of intelligence, none of these issues are the fault of the women. Many naive women are really lovely (I have a friend like this myself) but they simply can't see certain red flags that other women can. They're all easy prey to such men and the women themselves will be unconsciously drawn to them. Big age difference means the much younger women are often more accepting of certain behaviours or making certain sacrifices that other women their age or older simply wouldn't be.

As discussed by many posters, it's the men in these situations who are unsavoury. Remember most men do NOT go for much younger women who are young enough to be their daughters or thereabouts. Those men who choose to pursue these big age gaps like the power balance and there's normally a conscious or unconscious sexist element on the part of the man because they never simultaneously go after women who have the same age gaps but OLDER than them. Funny it's always "coincidentally" one way that they feel this unique spark 🙄

TrustTheGeneGenie · 21/03/2021 12:42

I suggest you stop telling us all about our relationships when you clearly don't have a fucking clue. Your attitude is honestly vile.

activitythree · 21/03/2021 12:42

It's interesting that you judge women who have had abusive pasts and daddy issues to be lacking intelligence.

I absolutely DO NOT.

Don't be twisting things round now.

I 100% DID NOT SAY THIS.

How dare you Angry

activitythree · 21/03/2021 12:43

As for the rest of it, I just honestly can't even. I have literally run out of energy to reply to your utter bollocks.

LivBa · 21/03/2021 12:53

@GreenlandTheMovie so funny, I was recalling exactly the same thread with all the tradesmen
without uni degrees who happened to be multimillionaires, who also apparently happened to be married to mumsnetters! Grin Grin

Ermintrude74 · 21/03/2021 12:55

Ladies who are with older partners - roll up, roll up. Assign yourself one of the following categories:

  • You've got "daddy issues"
  • You've been abused
  • You're a gold digger
  • You're naive or gullible, or both

I certainly don't fit the first 3 - fuck me, I've got more assets than my partner - so I guess that leaves the 4th option, correct?

The suggestion of abuse is breathtakingly offensive but as the poster who made the above claims is clearly spectacularly ignorant, perhaps we should pity them.

HollowTalk · 21/03/2021 13:01

@Kimbo1974

16 years, that's my personal opinion, and also would depend on how old the youngest person was, I'd probably frown upon a 16 Yr old with a 32 year old..
Probably?
HollowTalk · 21/03/2021 13:02

@category12

"you divide your age by two and then add seven to calculate the "socially acceptable" minimum age for a partner."

Allegedly.

So an 80 year old with a 47 year old?
activitythree · 21/03/2021 13:22

You have to laugh at the 'calculator'

Using this method I was a few years too young for DH when we met. By the time we had been married 10 years I was only 6 months too young. Today he could go a few years younger than me.

Should I have waited 10/11 years before getting together with him, so so it fitted the 'divide by 2 and add 7 rule' Confused and should I leave him now so he can seek out the optimum partner Hmm

SleepingStandingUp · 21/03/2021 14:17

Some people on this thread really don't get out much do they? Can I suggest meeting new people and broadening horizons after the pandemic ends rather than spewing nasty ignorance??

So any man with a partner 7+ years younger is just looking literally for any willing body to fuck and bear his offsprings, then wipe his arse when he's older.

The corresponding women are victims of abuse, have psychological issues, are gold diggers or can't get a "decent man" so hook up with which man will take them.

Does that pretty much sum it up Liv and Genie?

Fwiw the 39 to I dated when I was 24 was a dick. He wasn't looking for a relationship but we had a shared circle of friends, a shared passion that took up most of our free time (think setting up a big community venture), a similar sense of humour and a spark. He's now married to someone his own age, o do not for one moment think those dickish tendencies have subsided, I just think she's chosen to tolerate more than I did. The guy I was with before that was 1 year older and cheated on me (and got dumper immediately). Neither of them were massively better than the other one. The present one is 7 years old and is neither a massive dick or a cheating slimebag.

activitythree · 21/03/2021 14:23

The present one is 7 years old and is neither a massive dick or a cheating slimebag.

Waiting for the posters you named to come back and take this typo seriously Grin

Uptonogoodtoo · 21/03/2021 14:33

The friends who I know where there are significant age gaps, it does seem that there is a power imbalance with the older man expecting their younger partner to make sacrifices. Particularly when he already has children and doesn’t want any more. It’s difficult for a woman mid 30s to leave a happy relationship to find someone to gave children with. Whereas if she had a relationship with someone her own age without children she would be more likely to have had children.
There are always exceptions to this, but I think if an older man has a relationship/marriage with a younger woman he has a moral duty to ensure that he too also makes compromises to compensate for the age gap. Otherwise just find a woman his own age.

Uptonogoodtoo · 21/03/2021 14:35

If a man in his 40s has a relationship with a woman 15/20 years younger he should accept that the woman is v likely to want children at some point. If he doesn’t want that, he should really just back off rather than build a relationship knowing they want different things.

SleepingStandingUp · 21/03/2021 14:48

@activitythree

The present one is 7 years old and is neither a massive dick or a cheating slimebag.

Waiting for the posters you named to come back and take this typo seriously Grin

🙄😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😍😍
SleepingStandingUp · 21/03/2021 14:49

@Uptonogoodtoo

If a man in his 40s has a relationship with a woman 15/20 years younger he should accept that the woman is v likely to want children at some point. If he doesn’t want that, he should really just back off rather than build a relationship knowing they want different things.
Aka

People in relationships should be honest about their needs and expectations and respect those of their partners. Regardless of age

Uptonogoodtoo · 21/03/2021 14:55

Yes, but the power imbalance is often different when one partner is much older and had more life experience.

Uptonogoodtoo · 21/03/2021 14:57

Young women often are still deciding what they want. An older man would know that often in their 30s women start to prioritise wanting a family.

activitythree · 21/03/2021 15:11

@Uptonogoodtoo

Young women often are still deciding what they want. An older man would know that often in their 30s women start to prioritise wanting a family.

Another one assuming every woman is stupid.

Stop it. You are embarrassing yourself

Uptonogoodtoo · 21/03/2021 15:25

activitythree stop what? Having an opinion that is different to yours?

activitythree · 21/03/2021 15:30

@Uptonogoodtoo

activitythree stop what? Having an opinion that is different to yours?

This. Stop this

Young women often are still deciding what they want. An older man would know that often in their 30s women start to prioritise wanting a family.

Your ridiculous assumption that the woman needs a man to know what she wants. Seriously.

Have a different opinion. Fine. But please, stop assuming stupidity and naivety of women.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 21/03/2021 15:31

@Uptonogoodtoo

Young women often are still deciding what they want. An older man would know that often in their 30s women start to prioritise wanting a family.
I did prioritise having a family even though I was young, and I did just that. Please, tell me how utterly naive I am.