Age gaps

[FlowersforMe]

What would you say is the largest socially acceptable age gap when dating/in a relationship?

The balance always seems so tipped in the favour of the older man. It’s a huge sacrifice for the younger woman to make. I really don’t think they realise this until much later too and often by then those formative years have passed. We all thought we ‘knew it all’ when younger, only to realise as we gained more life experience that actually we didn’t!
There are many men to fall in love with and build a life together.

I'm not sure that's always true that the younger partner misses out on life experiences. It may be true in some or even many cases, but its not universal - yes, DH was married to someone before me, and had kids with her, but he was also a single dad for years with sole custody, never went on holiday or had much of a life outside parenthood. When he met me, we got married, had a baby, bought a house, travelled, and because I had my baby at 21, I didn't lose out in career terms and have never compromised on it - he was always there when I worked away, or worked long hours because of a promotion. He worked ridiculously long hours too at times but I was the main breadwinner and we made plans together. His life experience and age was irrelevant to our partnership in that way.

Lots of assumptions are made about all kinds of relationships, but unless you are the one involved in the relationship, you can't know what goes on behind closed doors. I will always be grateful that I spent 20 years with the kindest, gentlest and funniest man I've ever met. Being widowed is shit, but as I've said before, he died from cancer which could strike at any age. Until the very end when it spread to his brain, he was active and didn't need much care, just someone there with him in case he fell or stopped breathing, but it didn't stop him going on holiday, to London, shopping, the usual day to day stuff and the nice things that you do in a marriage.

I agree with Gretchen, in a lot of cases it may be true but it’s not universal and hasn’t been my experience.

My partner had never been married or had kids, he’d been building a career and had a couple of ex girlfriends, one 6 years younger, one his age and then me. I had more ex boyfriends and had more casual dating experience. We had a lot of firsts together, first long haul holiday, first music festival, first baby, buying a house and we were each other’s first marriage. I haven’t automatically become 40, pre Covid we had a good active life. We went out for dinner and drinks regularly, went on nice holidays, went to music festivals and gigs a couple of times a year as we share the same music taste.

There was no pattern of seeking out younger women. No baggage in the sense of an ex wife or kids. Just two people who came together as any couple would and have progressed. I wanted kids at 25/26, guys my age, atleast the ones I know definitely didn’t. Of course I’m not denying it may not be easy down the road, I’m hoping 15 years won’t have a huge impact but of course it might eventually. Yes, it’s a scary thought. Yes, maybe I could of met someone else. But I may not have been this happy. I may not of met someone I have so much in common with. I may of met someone who wasn’t as good as father. Would I prefer 40 years with a man I love who is a kind person and good father or would I rather 60 with someone else? I’ll take my chances. I’m not saying it isn’t something scary, or something I’ve struggled with. As I said above, if I could go back to before we formed the life we have and we weren’t in love, married, owning a house with a toddler than maybe I would choose differently; because of the fear I now carry from reading online about how scary/sad my future could be. I’d probably warn my kids against it for the same reason. But you do love who you love. And for me to walk away from what is a very good life out of fear? It would be a mistake. I actually had counselling over this and my counseller said “so say you leave, how long would it take to do that? To get a divorce? To sell the house? To sort out custody? To meet someone your own age that you see a future with? Establishing that future, introducing him to your son? Building that relationship between them? How long would that take? It could take many, many years. If you were unhappy, then that is worth it, if you are worried about the years you may miss out on with a 15 year age gap, you could lose just as many years now walking away only to then watch your husband, who will always be a part of your life due to your son, live a long healthy life and be plagued by what ifs” and I have to say that to myself again and again when I read these threads. Because people on here do make me feel like I’m being an absolute idiot and throwing my life away. And it’s a heartbreaking feeling when in my mind, a strong marriage, a beautiful child and owning our own gorgeous house was such an achievement and it all feels tainted and looked down upon.

Of course it’s not all relationships. But as pp said in many cases the younger woman often misses out on experiences simply because the older partner has already done them. There is something to be said about sharing ‘first experiences’ together and obviously that can still happen if one partner is older but often he has already done it all before.
There are always exceptions and positive stories, but from what I’ve seen in the vast majority of cases, the younger partner misses out on life experiences and these experiences cannot be replicated later on in life to the same level.
One friend in particular met her partner at 25. He was 45 divorced with children. She is now 37 they aren’t married, he won’t have any more children and she lives in the house he owns. She says she loves him, but I do sense that she would have liked her own children but has sacrificed that to be with him. And if their relationship breaks she will be left with nothing.

Dp is 14 years older than me but I don't feel like I've missed out on anything. If anything he did by settling down at 18 with a girl who had a 4yo.

Tbh I never wanted to travel, go out every weekend etc anyway, and if I had I would've done it, but even if I'd met someone my own age, I would have still wanted the same things ie my house at 19, a child quite young because those are things I wanted before even meeting dp.

It's not right for everyone and yes I am slightly worried that I'll live out a long retirement on my own, but realistically anything can happen. Not worth dwelling on for all those years.

He became disabled in his 50s though so that was a life changer in terms of what we can do, that and the fact 2 of our children are autistic, so neither factor relevant in terms of age gap as they would be just as restrictive had he been the same age as me
This just isn't true. Autism is highly correlated with paternal age. Disability and cancer are also much more prevalent with increasing age. To pretend anything else is pure whataboutism.

I think the issue is when the older partner denies the younger partner the things they have had the benefit of such as marriage, children, owning their own home etc. Because they have already experienced those things, but don’t want to do them again. That’s fine if a couple are of similar age and have both experienced life before each other, but not so much if one partner is much younger. That seems to me that the younger partner makes all the sacrifices.

@Uptonogoodtoo

I think the issue is when the older partner denies the younger partner the things they have had the benefit of such as marriage, children, owning their own home etc. Because they have already experienced those things, but don’t want to do them again. That’s fine if a couple are of similar age and have both experienced life before each other, but not so much if one partner is much younger. That seems to me that the younger partner makes all the sacrifices.

Yes I agree with that. Fortunately that is not the case for me, and I wasn't have stuck around if it was.

I feel like I’ve ended up with more not fewer opportunities because DH is older. He’s had his career and took a pay cut and less responsible job to enable me to change jobs in 2019 for a big promotion. If we have a kid he will go part time to do childcare so I can continue building my career. He already owned a home and this enabled us to sell that and buy somewhere together years before I could have bought alone. We travel a lot and entertain/go to parties (pre virus) and go to the theatre/cinema/museums often. My friends with husbands our age have all universally ended up taking the brunt of child care, stopping work etc.

Would anyone want their 25 year daughter to sacrifice having children, marriage etc to have a long term relationship with a divorced dad of 45? There are so many decent men to fall in love with and at 25 they have many choices available.
Between 25 and 35 is such an integral time in a woman’s life. Often establishing a career if they choose, travelling, making a home, marriage, children (or on the horizon). To sacrifice that for a much older man who doesn’t want to do it all again seems a massive sacrifice.

@FlowersforMe

Coming back to this thread because I am shocked how many posters think that TV and culture references are such a huge factor in lasting, fulfilling relationship.

The reason I posted this thread is because I'm attracted to someone younger than me. And no they are not 16.

Yes, I was thinking the same. Surely couples without age gaps don't spend all their time reminiscing about the tv they watched when they were younger? IME not having the same points of reference can be hugely entertaining for both parties and you can both be exposed to things like music, both old and new, that you might otherwise have missed out on. The older person has as much to learn as the younger one. It's quite a narrow view to think that only people who have had similar experience to yourself have anything to offer.

From personal experience it can be really shit for children having a much older dad. Also, again from my sample of just a few, all the women who married much older men had issues. They wanted to be looked after, couldn’t cope with a lot of things, didn’t like making decisions, didn’t like independence. They would have been far better getting some help for those issues rather than the resulting fallout from their decision to marry a much older man to disguise them. They also got fed up when the rolls reversed when the man got too old to take charge and that brought a whole new set of problems. Kids expected to take over being part of them.

Again though this is just from people I know, everyone has different experiences.

Would anyone want their 25 year daughter to sacrifice having children, marriage etc to have a long term relationship with a divorced dad of 45?

I didn't sacrifice having children or getting married when I met DH in my 20s and he was in his 40s.

I'm not sure why you think a woman would have to sacrifice those things.

activity I’m not saying everyone does but I know of some women who have sacrificed having children of their own because they fell in love with an older man who didn’t want any more. Now they’re in their mid to late 30s and have to decide if this is what they really want.
There will be many happy stories of younger women with older men. But in a lot of cases it brings a lot of sacrifice and compromise which over times changes to resentment.

There is what's socially acceptable, and there's what a good idea and they're not the same thing at all.

Socially acceptable - 15 years (depending on what age they are on when they first meet as an 18 year old with someone who's 33 woyldn't be accepted).

Wise - No more than 7 years, 10 years max. This is so you can feel ypu are on the same page too in terms of generational experiences.

Younger women always think they're special, that they're exception in their man's life when he's a lot older. They feel they're more secure, that his eyes won't wander because he should feel lucky that he's with someone so much younger than him....but no. Doesn't work like that. Obviously some age gaps are purely circumstantial, it's bound to happen, but if you date someone who's 12 years or more older than you, you risk being with someone who has a roving eye, who's opportunistic and ambitious. You think you're safe because there's 12 years age gap and that 'he's not like that'? A lot of women find out the hard way that they were wrong about this. They find out their husband was chasing someone else even younger than them, 15 or 20 years younger in some cases. Big age gaps are just a liability.

You also risk attracting a man who's into you because he thinks he has some sort of authority over you, one that loves the ego stroke and power dynamic of being with with a much younger women. It's just bad news.

@MsTSwift

Funny how it’s usually the man who is massively older than the woman. What a coincidence 🙄🙄

@MsTSwift Indeed!

Most of the posts relate to relationships where the man is older.
OP you say you are attracted to someone younger? Are you a woman and they a man?
If so, a lot of issues raised here may not be so relevant to your situation.

I wouldn’t like to be in my early 50s and have a partner in my 70s either. The generational gap there seems very big. And it’s always men going for younger women. Never going for much older women. I know all circumstances are different but I think it’s quite selfish of older men who seek out women much younger women. And that’s what they’re doing even if they claim ‘we just have so much in common’. I think most decent men wouldn’t do that.

There's no answer to this question, unless legality is involved (i.e. one of the couple is a teenager and the other much older). Everyone is different, and every couple/situation/relationship is different.

My partner is 21 years older than me. It was something I had to think about a lot before we got together. We met through a shared hobby that takes up quite a lot of our free time, so that's a massive thing we had in common already. We also had similar ideas for a business venture which we eventually teamed up on.

So now, we've been together for 4 years, living together for 3, running a business, renovating a house, and neither of us have ever been happier.

Don't get me wrong, I know it might bring issues further down the line as he'll reach retirement age far before me, potentially I'll live a lot longer, which of course will be heartbreaking - but at the same time if things keep going the way they're going, I'd rather have a happy 40 years than not have had those years.

@AlwaysLatte

My first partner was 41 when I was 17 and we were together 12 years, and my husband is 20 years older and we've been married 16 years this year, Both very happy relationships, especially my marriage now. I don't think age matters at all!

@AlwaysLatte I'm happy that you view your experience positively and you say you has a happy marriage (not happy to stay together though).....but a 41 year old with a 17 year old?? That is fucking grim. You were a child and I would keep any daughter of mine away from a man like that. When you are 17, even 3 years is a questionable age gap and in my university we would have been wary of and careful around a male student with a girlfriend that age, let alone a 41 or even 30 year old!!

Maybe age doesn't matter to you but I think you'll find that it very much matters to men!! The 'teen' category in porn is apparently the most popular and I'm sure many men love fetishising schoolgirls in their uniforms.

Men consistently peruse women who are a lot younger, NOT a lot older. Age seems to very much matter to them!!

@FlowersforMe

Coming back to this thread because I am shocked how many posters think that TV and culture references are such a huge factor in lasting, fulfilling relationship.

The reason I posted this thread is because I'm attracted to someone younger than me. And no they are not 16.

OFGS just say

Younger women always think they're special, that they're exception in their man's life wen he's a lot older.

My husband is a good man, not because he is older than me, simply because he is a good person. I'm not really one for feeling special, my relationship is about much more then him making me feel special. I think it's about the connection, the intelligent conversation (not about old TB shows either - WTAF!) it's about living and caring for each other. Raising our family and doing right by the kids. I suppose if being made to feel special is what women are looking for then they are always going to end up with the guy who walks the walk and talks the talk but turns out to be a cunt. This isn't age related.

They feel they're more secure, that his eyes won't wander because he should feel lucky that he's with someone so much younger than him....but no. Doesn't work like that.

I have actually never been in a relationship where I have felt insecure. Not with DH nor previous dating with men around my age. I think insecurity is a completely different issue, it's not present in all relationships so it's unfair to cite it as a reason to be against an age gap relationship.

Obviously some age gaps are purely circumstantial, it's bound to happen, but if you date someone who's 12 years or more older than you, you risk being with someone who has a roving eye, who's opportunistic and ambitious.

Erm; I think this is a risk with dating anyone, it's not just older men who cheat

You think you're safe because there's 12 years age gap and that 'he's not like that'? A lot of women find out the hard way that they were wrong about this.

I don't think the age gap is a factor here. Lots of women think their men are 'not like that'. Lots of women are treated appallingly by men. Not just older men though. I don't see any firm correlation here at all. You just have to look at the relationship boards for evidence.

They find out their husband was chasing someone else even younger than them, 15 or 20 years younger in some cases. Big age gaps are just a liability.

Women are finding out their husbands have cheated every day of the week, with and without age gaps.

It's a bit of a red herring saying women rarely go for younger men... Well no because generally women mature much faster than men. Most of us don't want to date someone we have to mother.

Dp doesn't need to "look after" me whatsoever, but lots of men I went to school with still act like children despite not being children which would put me off dating them. Sure not al young men are like that but lots are.

@5128gap

Most of the posts relate to relationships where the man is older. OP you say you are attracted to someone younger? Are you a woman and they a man? If so, a lot of issues raised here may not be so relevant to your situation.

I'm a woman.

@Heyitsmeagain

I always thought about 15 years however, I know of someone who met her husband when she was 37 and he was 52. Everything was fine then, however, she is now 55 and he is 70 and they are in totally different stages of their lives now. Prior to COVID things were starting to take a toll on their relationship, she was wanting to go out every weekend for dinner, drinks, he wasn’t wanting to do that. He was looking to slow down. They can’t even mix with each other’s friends as his are near his age and her are near her age.

I don't understand the idea that "you can't mix with each other's friends"...why not for heavens sake. My DH is 15 years older and we mix with friends of all ages.