Age gaps

[FlowersforMe]

What would you say is the largest socially acceptable age gap when dating/in a relationship?

Who cares?

Personally I think its more relevant to look around about the same age, but thats just me. There are plenty of people who have large age gaps and don't look the same age but get on just great.

Anything legal is socially acceptable.

Personally I think its more relevant to look around about the same age, but thats just me.

Now I don't place any importance on how people look, there is more to a person than their physical appearance.

The idea that a couple should look around the same age is strange. For whose benefit? It certainly makes absolutely no difference to the couple whether they look the same age or not so I can only assume this is for the benefit of other people. How odd.

The reason I posted this thread is because I'm attracted to someone younger than me. And no they are not 16.

Based on first hand experience, I would be wary.

In my case it was fine for the first 15 years or so but then when downhill rapidly and we split.

The cause of our break up was a combination of several factors, only one related to the age gap (16 years). Jealousy. My job changed and I went from working in a 99% male environment to probably 50/50 with most being young graduates in their 20s.

How old are you and how old is he OP? That will make a huge difference in what people think due to life experience imbalance / likelihood of blended families / financial dependency etc.

@activitythree

Personally I think its more relevant to look around about the same age, but thats just me.

Now I don't place any importance on how people look, there is more to a person than their physical appearance.

The idea that a couple should look around the same age is strange. For whose benefit? It certainly makes absolutely no difference to the couple whether they look the same age or not so I can only assume this is for the benefit of other people. How odd.

Well, I made it clear that I was talking about my own views, so obviously its for my own benefit!

I'm just not attracted to men who look older than me. I look stupidly young for my age and so I prefer men my own age or younger. I did try dating a couple of older men, but because I'm used to men my own age or younger, I found them set in their ways and a bit staid. And also strangely controlling.

The idea that men are allowed to be attracted on grounds of appearance but women aren't is incredibly sexist and blinkered. People are attracted to different things. I'm not attracted to money, mores the pity!

There’s 10 years between me and DH. The older we get, the wider that gap seems to get. I feel like I’m married to an old man now.

Well, I made it clear that I was talking about my own views, so obviously its for my own benefit!

I misread you. I thought you were referring to other people having to look around the same age . Not you and a partner. Sorry.

@DinosaurDiana

There’s 10 years between me and DH. The older we get, the wider that gap seems to get. I feel like I’m married to an old man now.

How old are you both now? 10 years isn’t a gap I’d of even deemed as big. In what sense does he feel like an old man, surely it’s down to how you act not purely how old you are?

@GreenlandTheMovie

Who cares?

Personally I think its more relevant to look around about the same age, but thats just me. There are plenty of people who have large age gaps and don't look the same age but get on just great.

Anything legal is socially acceptable.

So you get together in your 20s, how the hell will you know how well or badly you both age in 20 years let alone 40 or 60?

I did try dating a couple of older men, but because I'm used to men my own age or younger, I found them set in their ways and a bit staid. And also strangely controlling. But that's not because of how old they look though. Now obv you should date who you're attracted to and you can be attracted to whomever you want. Of you don't find typical 70 to men attractive that's fine. Buy you seem to be implying that if the 70 to actually looks 60 instead he'll be a better person than the olde looking one

@SleepingStandingUp

I did try dating a couple of older men, but because I'm used to men my own age or younger, I found them set in their ways and a bit staid. And also strangely controlling. But that's not because of how old they look though. Now obv you should date who you're attracted to and you can be attracted to whomever you want. Of you don't find typical 70 to men attractive that's fine. Buy you seem to be implying that if the 70 to actually looks 60 instead he'll be a better person than the olde looking one

Well, I was avoiding trying to say I wasn't attracted to wrinkles, sagging skin and middle aged spread in men.

Please don't try to tell me what I'm attracted to. I compete at quite a high level in athletics and I do find that people who share my interest in training do look younger for their age. Not necessarily a "better person" but certainly one I'd have more in common with in terms of shared values and motivations.

Please don't try to tell me what I'm attracted to. I compete at quite a high level in athletics

I read that as "aesthetics".

I was bit until my eyes focused properly.

Please don't try to tell me what I'm attracted to

I didn't.

You said you aren't attracted to old saggy men.

I said you can be attracted to whomever you want.

You said men your age were set in his ways and awful.
I didn't dispute that but said that's not related to the above point. An older man who is hot would still presumably be set in his ways.

So you aren't attracted to saggy old men or controlling men. Nothing wrong with that, me neither. If you want to date men 20 years younger then go for it, why would I care?

My first partner was 41 when I was 17

That is wrong. What the fuck did a 41 year old man have in common with a 17 year old.

My dad would have battered him tbh.

I am 43 now and the idea of going out with a 17 yo is sickening.

Do you have daddy issues?

To answer your question OP, I think that when the woman is older, anything more than 10 years tends to raise hackles, well, on MN anyway for some reason.
However what is socially acceptable depends on the society you are in. If your social circle is open minded and non judgemental they are obviously going to be more accepting than if they are conservative and uptight.
As for wider society, ie, strangers, I doubt that beyond the odd second glance if the gap is very obvious, they will give it much thought.
If you use MN as a barometer it will appear there are many people who are very negative about it, and seem to have extremely strong feelings on the subject, calling it disgusting and so on.
But thankfully in RL people seem to get less worked up about things that don't concern them.

@5128gap

To answer your question OP, I think that when the woman is older, anything more than 10 years tends to raise hackles, well, on MN anyway for some reason. However what is socially acceptable depends on the society you are in. If your social circle is open minded and non judgemental they are obviously going to be more accepting than if they are conservative and uptight. As for wider society, ie, strangers, I doubt that beyond the odd second glance if the gap is very obvious, they will give it much thought. If you use MN as a barometer it will appear there are many people who are very negative about it, and seem to have extremely strong feelings on the subject, calling it disgusting and so on. But thankfully in RL people seem to get less worked up about things that don't concern them.

I went 12 years younger. But that guy then dated a woman 13 years younger than him, followed by a woman 15 years older, whom I think he is still with. So some people are clearly not that bothered about age.

I got asked out by a 19 year old (I'm 38) and said no. I thought that was really inappropriate and icky and wasn't at all tempted.

My first partner was 41 when I was 17

Decent, well adjusted men of 41 do not date 17 year olds.

"My first partner was 41 when I was 17"

Grim.

@HerMammy

These threads will always have ‘I was 17 and he was 40 and we are so happy’ tbf why is a man of 30+ going after a teenager? likely he can’t maintain a relationship with an adult his own age.

The girl/woman in these scenarios normally has some sort of Stockholm syndrome. If you think an unhealthy power balance is normal and you're too naive/gullible to pick up on subtle controlling behaviour that other women your age would, then of course you're going believe you're happy in the relationship.

@lifejusthappens

I hate finding these threads. The thing is, most people in age gap relationships didn’t look for them. I would of posted on a thread like this saying 8 years, maybe 10 as an absolute max. Yet I find myself with a man I love, is a great father and who is 15 years my senior. I find it so difficult, even after all this time, to read responses on threads on mumsnet about age gaps as it makes my whole world feel so uncertain, because I never saw him as his age, or me as mine, I just saw us as people who loved each other. It helps he looks young, we’ve never had comments from anyone, in my mind we are just a very normal couple. It’s difficult to read, not just yours, but other threads on age gaps about how it’s not fair to willingly saddle kids with a much older dad, you waste your youth and will be a young carer or widow, people always state the magic age that it will go from being ok to not, usually when the older partner passes 60 according to mumsnet.

I don’t know if it’s true. I just know that my relationship feels like any other. Unfortunately I’ve grown a fear for the future based on the comments I’ve read online, and sometimes wonder if I could go back would I make the same choice, and think probably not, because sometimes my anxiety makes it feel I’m waiting for the day it shifts from not noticeable, to as bad as some say. I try and remind myself to not ruin a relationship and a family where we are both so happy, but it’s hard to gamble with your future. Especially if you didn’t think far enough ahead to realise that’s what you were doing. I’m lucky that I love him, and he is a brilliant partner and father. I’m trying to focus on enjoying the years we do have, but it’s hard for me to accept that I’m now thinking that way, rather than just enjoying your life without thought as I did before I was made to think of us as an ‘age gap relationship/marriage’ rather than just a relationship/marriage.

@lifejusthappens the thing is with these senior men with big age gaps is that it's ALWAYS one way. You never see these same men date/search for women 15/20 years their senior, it's only ever YOUNGER women. It's all very sexist and entitled on their side.

@LivBa except for my mum, who has been married very happily for 15 years to a man 17 years younger. I think if anyone has issues on this thread it is the spiteful people who are coming on to criticise other people’s relationships and cast judgement on things they have no experience of and know nothing about

I don’t think it’s being spiteful. Exceptions prove the rule and its undeniable that the vast majority of age gap relationships are much older men and younger women which I find slightly depressing for the various reasons set out on this thread. It works brilliantly for the man though. Patriarchy in action I guess 🙁

That said almost everyone I know is married to someone within 5 years of their age so ime these big gaps are unusual. The vast majority of sensible people marry same age and there’s a reason for that. There will always be outliers.

@MsTSwift

I don’t think it’s being spiteful. Exceptions prove the rule and its undeniable that the vast majority of age gap relationships are much older men and younger women which I find slightly depressing for the various reasons set out on this thread. It works brilliantly for the man though. Patriarchy in action I guess 🙁

That said almost everyone I know is married to someone within 5 years of their age so ime these big gaps are unusual. The vast majority of sensible people marry same age and there’s a reason for that. There will always be outliers.

These are good points. Most people I know who are married or in ltrs are also within 3 or 4 years of their partners' age. But then I know many people who met at university. The few exceptions are all men who are either divorced or didn't couple up til their forties or later, and have much younger partners - - and are a bit odd in their attitudes towards women--

And a surprising number of men who have older girlfriends/partners. Certainly with my 12 years younger ex, it did boil down to me assuming we were around the same age on meeting. I didn't set out to date a much younger man. Thats also the case with 2 men I know with 9 years older and 6 years older girlfriends. None is us met online, so age simply wasn't a big issue or even mentioned until we knew each other quite well. Another 2 friends have also been happily married to much younger men for many years now. They're 63 and I think 59 and the men are somewhere on their early fifties. Again, met through a mutual hobby, not online. I'm wondering if older woman/younger man is simply less noticable, as many men look older than their years.

@MsTSwift

I don’t think it’s being spiteful. Exceptions prove the rule and its undeniable that the vast majority of age gap relationships are much older men and younger women which I find slightly depressing for the various reasons set out on this thread. It works brilliantly for the man though. Patriarchy in action I guess 🙁

That said almost everyone I know is married to someone within 5 years of their age so ime these big gaps are unusual. The vast majority of sensible people marry same age and there’s a reason for that. There will always be outliers.

Mm. If all it takes is to 'sensibly' select a partner of the same age, I wonder why these boards are full of women in relationships ranging from unsatisfactory to downright abusive, and the divorce rate is so high. Of course there are age gap relationships that don't last, but to put this down solely to age is just picking the low hanging fruit, and ignoring the fact that statistics suggest people are not that great at maintaining long term relationships in general. Men can be boring, controlling, lazy at all ages, as can women, they are character traits, as are insecurity and jealousy. Many couples drift apart and lack shared interests. It's just that where these issues arise in age gap relationships the gap is always seen as the cause. Age gap relationships are not sufficiently common to properly assess their success rate against those without gaps, and everyone has a story where it went wrong for someone. However, this is true for all relationships, theres no life time guarantee. If two people are happy together, even for a limited time, this is a great gift, and I genuinely can't understand why other people seem to want to make them feel bad about it.