Age gaps

[FlowersforMe]

What would you say is the largest socially acceptable age gap when dating/in a relationship?

I hate finding these threads. The thing is, most people in age gap relationships didn’t look for them. I would of posted on a thread like this saying 8 years, maybe 10 as an absolute max. Yet I find myself with a man I love, is a great father and who is 15 years my senior. I find it so difficult, even after all this time, to read responses on threads on mumsnet about age gaps as it makes my whole world feel so uncertain, because I never saw him as his age, or me as mine, I just saw us as people who loved each other. It helps he looks young, we’ve never had comments from anyone, in my mind we are just a very normal couple. It’s difficult to read, not just yours, but other threads on age gaps about how it’s not fair to willingly saddle kids with a much older dad, you waste your youth and will be a young carer or widow, people always state the magic age that it will go from being ok to not, usually when the older partner passes 60 according to mumsnet.

I don’t know if it’s true. I just know that my relationship feels like any other. Unfortunately I’ve grown a fear for the future based on the comments I’ve read online, and sometimes wonder if I could go back would I make the same choice, and think probably not, because sometimes my anxiety makes it feel I’m waiting for the day it shifts from not noticeable, to as bad as some say. I try and remind myself to not ruin a relationship and a family where we are both so happy, but it’s hard to gamble with your future. Especially if you didn’t think far enough ahead to realise that’s what you were doing. I’m lucky that I love him, and he is a brilliant partner and father. I’m trying to focus on enjoying the years we do have, but it’s hard for me to accept that I’m now thinking that way, rather than just enjoying your life without thought as I did before I was made to think of us as an ‘age gap relationship/marriage’ rather than just a relationship/marriage.

Lifejusthappens that is sad to read.
I find the comments on these threads can be very dogmatic and judgemental, and frequently made from a position of no real experience of the issue.
I can't fathom why people feel so strongly about something that doesn't impact them, and they often have no experience of, but for some reason it does seem an emotive topic.
All I would say is that there is no guarantee any relationship is going to be happy ever after. People in same age relationships can tire of each other, or 'age' at different rates. One may become I'll or develop a disability. One or the other may cheat or simply decide they no longer want to be in the relationship. These things happen every day.
Your relationship has as much chance of long term happiness as any other so don't let other people's attitudes sour it for you.

5128 Thanks. I know anything can happen. I guess I sometimes feel envious though that for other couples they are simply a possibility, whereas for me it now feels like a guarantee. I read posts on how hard it is to watch them grow old, and ill, and how much you have to give up and my heart just aches. But as I said, life does just happen and despite my pre conceptions this is where I have ended up. It just didn’t seem odd, my parents and my husbands parents are the same age. So it wasn’t like he was my parents age. I’m one of 6, and my eldest sibling is 2 years older than him, one sibling the same and the rest younger. My siblings have never felt older to me, we are all good friends and pre Covid spent lots of time all together with our partners, and he slotted right in due to being similar ages. It never felt odd, or like something to be concerned over until seeing a few threads on mumsnet. It’s been shocking to be honest, and it just makes me feel uncertain.

Anyway, I’m hi-jacking a thread here. OP, I have nothing bad to say of my marriage other than what I’ve already said, the fear of the future based on people’s experiences and opinions I have read on mumsnet. I personally wouldn’t of chosen a large age gap, it just sort of happened. We’ve had no comments in real life. I like to think I’m not being judged as creepy, but probably am based on MN views.

@Heyitsmeagain

I always thought about 15 years however, I know of someone who met her husband when she was 37 and he was 52. Everything was fine then, however, she is now 55 and he is 70 and they are in totally different stages of their lives now. Prior to COVID things were starting to take a toll on their relationship, she was wanting to go out every weekend for dinner, drinks, he wasn’t wanting to do that. He was looking to slow down. They can’t even mix with each other’s friends as his are near his age and her are near her age.

Why can't they mix with each others friends? I have friends who are in their early 20s, I'm late 30s, DH is late 40s, I have friends in their 60s bad 70s. Mil is late 60s, I've been known to go out with her friends or have a coffee with her and her friends. Making an effort, finding common ground, it isn't about age it's about attitude and outlook.

Even if they're the same age they can have v different outlooks on life. Lots of 70 to are still travelling the globe, meeting new people. I know people around that age volunteering at festivals and I mean Leeds, Reading, metal festivals not Gardeners World.

@Redruby82

All situations are different. You can't help who you fall in love with. As long as you are both happy what does it matter? Personally I don't have a problem with big age gaps. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

Of course you can and you can certainly choose how you act on it.

If you were a teacher and spent a lot of time around a 16 yo student who you started to develop feelings for would you just HAVE to have a relationship with them?

@lifejusthappens I totally agree when you say that you just see someone you love and not their age. I never thought about what would happen as he got older, because it didn't matter to me - we loved each other. I am a young widow but he had cancer - it's no respecter of age and he cos have been the same age as me and still got cancer and died. I regret nothing. DH was the most amazing man I have met, there will never be anyone else for me, he was a fantastic dad and my best friend. I can't imagine how miserable I would have been in the last 20 years if I had turned him down because of his age, because my life has been pretty great up until his death.

I would date 10 years either side
I’m 56 so 46-66

I would say about 12, but depending on the ages and on the individuals.

Hmmm my husband is 4 yr 10 month older and he's a boring old git

Its just a guide but I plan to advise my children not to go more than a decade in either direction.
A shared reference from childhood/adolescence is, imo a good thing there's 7 years between DH and I. He have no shared music l, no shared TV shows or movies. We great up in the same town but never even went to the same bars albeit years apart. There's literally no overlap in anything, not even in terms of household. He hadn't even seen Labyrinth when we met in our 30s

Its just a guide but I plan to advise my children not to go more than a decade in either direction.
A shared reference from childhood/adolescence is, imo a good thing
Another angle from this, as opposed to SleepingStandingUp
As earlier mentioned, my husband is 15 years older than me. My parents and his parents are the exact same ages. So despite the gap there is no awkwardness with him being my parents age. I’m one of many, with some siblings 2 years younger, same age and 1 year older than him. I grew up very close with my siblings. I watched what they watched. Tapes from their childhoods, music from their childhoods, playing the board games from their childhoods, wearing all the 80s hand me downs. My husband and I initially bonded over our mutual music taste, we love all the same music, movies and TV shows. We watched the same kids TV. There aren’t any cultural clashes. I wasn’t drawn to him, nor put off him for being older as he didn’t seem that much older. I regularly spend time with all of my siblings and their various partners, husbands, wife’s etc. Some only 3 years older than me, some 8, some 12, some 15, some 16! We are all close. The ages never had an impact on that. My best friend is 10 years older than me, I met her through work! Her partner is 2 years younger than mine, they get on great. So it’s jarring to me to read about how we must be a creepy coupling, all the comments of “well at that age I’d have nothing in common with a 15 year older man!” “What do they talk about?” And the bloody daddy issues comments! My father and me and are close. My husband and I have so much in common. We have plenty to talk about! We never stop talking!

Perhaps it is growing up with so many older siblings, perhaps it did blind me a bit because I truly never even thought of us as an age gap relationship until places like mumsnet. I thought we were just a normal couple and it genuinely hurts me to think people may think the things people say on here in real life. I never would of predicted it, as it is the norm to end up with a similar age. My only thought was maybe my mum would find it odd, I remember phoning her saying I’d met him and really liked him but he was my siblings age and my mum literally just said what’s the problem with that? Perhaps, again, it would be different if we were in one of the age gaps where he’s the same age as my parents, but as I said both our parents are the same age. I don’t know, I obviously need to get a thicker skin about it as these threads always really effect me but being made to feel like you’ve done a bad thing to your child by having them with an older man and like you’ve ruined your own future is obviously going to hurt. My child is blessed with the best, most loving, most patient, hands on father ever. I have 2 friends my age whose same age fathers walked out on them with newborns. Age isn’t everything. Some mums don’t even start trying until them and their partners are early 40s! So how is what I’ve done any different? Wouldn’t it technically be better as one parent is still younger rather than them both being an ‘older parent’? I sound so offended, sorry, I do get defensive. I just wish people on here could see it through my eyes. That just like you, I met my husband, we clicked, we got on with each other’s family and friends (no negative comments or feelings, not a second glance!) we dated for a few years, we got engaged, we got married, we had a baby. My life is totally normal. For me 15 years isn’t verging too badly on young carer/widow territory. My husbands father and grandfather died at 87 and 88. No care needed! Both my Grandmothers have been widowed since they were in their 60’s and they married men the same age as themselves! If I’m widowed at 70 then I have had a wonderful 50 years will a brilliant man. And if I do have to care for him, well wouldn’t we all care for the man we love if it really came to it? I’d rather be the one to do it than my children having to. Those were my vows.

There are men that specifically target younger, vulnerable women. I get that. There are young women who may have “daddy issues” and constantly seek out a father figure. Those couples are bloody obvious. So don’t wince at every age gap couple you see, because some of us are totally normal people who really hate to feel so judged.

This is it, even if we were the same age we were very different kids / teenagers and even now have different tastes in music and TV. We have enough overlap in music to go to gigs together, we have a big overlap in TV and movies but we clicked over identifying the personas of birds - hoodlums, nuns, bikers etc.

I think you do need to develop a thicker skin @lifejusthappens but I think you also have to accept that if you got together with him when you were still not an adult and he was in his 30s then people are going to raise eyebrows and actually it's a good think that we question the relationship of kids with adults because, well they're kids and adults.

I was 23 when we got together, I was an adult albeit a young one.

Sorry you implies you'd got married at 20 so I counted backwards. Tbh past 19/20 it's entirely different

Sleepingstandingup her friends think he is an old fart and his friends can’t be bothered with her or her friends as they think they all just want to go out and get drunk (they dont).
They are just at totally different stages now.

Coming back to this thread because I am shocked how many posters think that TV and culture references are such a huge factor in lasting, fulfilling relationship.

The reason I posted this thread is because I'm attracted to someone younger than me. And no they are not 16.

Funny how it’s usually the man who is massively older than the woman. What a coincidence 🙄🙄

I am 35 and my DH is 55 - we met and were friends from when I was 27 and he was 47, for together when I was 32 and he was 52. We have loads in common - my friends love him and his friends seem to like me. Why would I not be able to spend time with other adults just because they are 15-20 years older?! My own friends range from 23-65 depending on how I met them (through work/at uni/through a volunteer role where I met one of my closest friends who is a much older lady).
@lifejusthappens don’t let silly threads like this worry you: the future is uncertain anyway for all of us! My DH is from an family where people don’t really slow down, his sisters are in their late sixties and look and act much younger, one is really into yoga and has better flexibility than me and the other goes to Glasto every year and runs a hippy crystal shop!
My previous marriage which lasted ten years was to someone exactly my age and the relationship failed - age is only part of the equation and I think having silly rules about how many years are acceptable is narrow minded ( as long as every one is an adult, of course!)

Oh and @MsTSwift my mum is married to a man 17 years younger than her, her third husband and they’ve been together for 15 years. They’re very happy and also it meant no one in the family batted an eyelid when I brought my DH home.

@ZednotZee I have friends who are married to spouses who were born and bought up in foreign countries. They have no shared culture references from childhood and adolescence but later teenage years. They have all been married over 10 years.

I find it weird as I am friends with and have worked with people the same age as their spouses who were born and bought up in different countries yet we have shared references from childhood.

Good to hear Gensola but as evidenced by this thread the usual is “I was 21 when I met dh who was 45 and all is marvellous” etc etc.

18 year gap between DP & I. Hes older.

Sometimes it shows, he's been known to be a controlling, up himself arse.. luckily for him, I'm stubborn and won't let him tell me what to do just because he's older.

I would say he needs someone younger, because he's can be a know it all bore, stubborn, immature and 'controlling' ..I think women his own age wouldn't put up with his crap.

His previous partner only had a couple of years on me.

....now I sound like I don't like my partner very much at all, in fact I love him dearly, and there is alot about him that is amazing. I'm just not under any illusions the reality of who he is & likely why myself & his last serious partners have been younger than he.

No hard and fast rule. Ridiculous to think there is. Two adults, nobody else's business.

What I have noticed in relationships where the man is significantly older (12+ Years) and when they meet when the woman is in her 20s, is that the man has had lots of previous life experience (relationships, career progression, parties,marriage, children, travelling etc), but then seems to deny their new partner from having those same experiences.
Almost as if the woman misses out on those years and jumps straight to being the same age as her partner. Nothing wrong with that if they’re happy, but I always think it’s quite sad they miss out on experiences that their older male partner had the benefit on. And it is only years later that they tend to realise that.

Yes Upto so the woman misses out in that life stage then the woman gets to spend her retirement alone because he’s died whilst her friends mostly have their dhs around for that life stage. It’s win win for the older person lose lose for the younger one as far as I can see.