He forgot it's my birthday next week. Should I tell him it's coming up?

[popcornapples]

I'm asking because he forgot about Mother's Day as well. Which I didn't think I would care about, but it actually really bothered me as it's my first one and it's been a hard year.

I asked if he's got anything planned work wise next week (he's self employed). My birthday is next Wednesday. He told me what he's doing on what days, nothing mentioned about my birthday. I'm pretty sure he's forgotten. I'm a SAHM with a 7 month old baby. Together for 4 years, engaged.

Should I remind him? Or just be all passive aggressive and let him forget, then mention on the actual day.

Remind him and also tell him how you feel about him forgetting Mother's Day. How he responses tells you what you need to know.

And happy birthday for next Wednesday!

I would say something. Even if it's just a casual 'shall we get a take away for my birthday next week?'
Did u bring up Mother's Day with him?

I told him how I felt about Mother's Day. On the day I reminded him to get a present for his mum and asked if he wanted me to make her a card (I make them as a hobby). He just looked startled and said happy Mother's Day sheepishly. Then as a joke, said can you make a card for yourself too.

I got really upset the next day when he got home from work and told him how I felt. He was contrite and apologised.

Just say "what shall we do for my birthday?".

As someone who tries hard but is quite forgetful just remind him.

It’s hard to see how he forget, because practically every single shop, supermarket and petrol station has had signs and merchandise up for weeks.

Does he not not drive or eat food ? Or pass any shops on his way to work? Or use the internet or social media ?

I don't think I'd be reminding him about it. He's an adult and should be able to either remember his partners birthday or set a bloody calendar reminder. Why should you have to remind him?

He is very forgetful but he does not try hard - he would say so himself. He often buys presents last minute and forgets important occasions. He drives a van and is out and about every day so no, he wouldn't have missed any of the messaging around Mother's Day. In fact he had discussed it with me a week previously.

A very childish part of me really wants to see if he will remember by himself and wait till the day so I can have some kind of moral high ground and punish him somehow. But I know this is not healthy.

I would not remind him then if he forgets give it to him both barrels. Hopefully won’t forget again after that.

Thoughtless and lazy.

What would you actually like to do on your birthday OP? Not easy in lockdown, but decide what it is and tell him in advance.

No, it's not healthy. It'll just make you anxious and angry all week, and if he does turn out to have forgotten you'll be miserable and angry and he'll have proved he's a thoughtless pillock. Again. Which you already know.

Assuming the rest of your relationship is good, and that you feel valued and loved by him generally (and are not in the situation of not feeling valued and loved but just hoping that he can scrape up some sign he does on special occasions), say "it's my birthday next week".

If he’s got enough intelligence to hold a driving licence and earn money then he can work out how to set reminders on his phone or use a pen and a post it.

It’s not that he’s not capable, it’s just that he doesn't care enough to make an effort.

I’m sorry.

If you don't remind him you could be setting yourself up for a fall.
Yes, it would be lovely if he remembered important occasions each year but the reality is that it doesn't always happen.

If you remind him now while there's still time then he might just surprise you.
If you wait, relatively sure he's forgotten then you're sure to feel crappy on your birthday.
Definitely don't not do that to yourself.

I'd just say, I was really disappointed how little effort you put into my first Mother's Day so I expect you're making up for it from you and DC on my birthday.

I think waiting for him to forget and then get cross doesnt do either of you any good. And if the end goal is lasting hapoy relationship or even a happy birthday why do this to yourself.

I would just be open. Think about what you would lile to do. "It's my birthday wednesday - i was thanking maybe we could get Thai for tea?" Or "I know its lockdown so we can't do xyz but how about we go for a walk on the beach for my brithday?"

Or even "I'd really like some flowers for my birthday this year/ you and the kids to make a cake" etc.
I think its about moving into relating to peole a adults rather than as a child.

Some people are "good" at birthdays, others really aren't but if you're in a relationship with someone there needs to be communication.

You have a baby together, you are a family unit , don’t start playing games or trying to get one over on him etc, just sit him down and tell him “don’t forget it’s my birthday on Wednesday” then he can sort you out a nice present etc.

I cross posted with SavingsQuestions who was far more articulate about what I was trying to say !

I’d tell him. I don’t think leaving it so you can try to catch him out is a good idea. You know he’s a bit shit with this stuff. As long as he’s a good partner and dad in other aspects I don’t think setting him up to be punished is ok. You could say, ‘Is anything special going on next week?’ And see if he twigs, then you could talk about it being important to you that he remembers or at least tries.

Leaving it to just go “Aha!!!” On the day means you will probably be hurt, he will be embarrassed and you could end up having a bit of a grumpy birthday because you’ll both not be in the best mood.

Definitely remind him then if he doesn’t bother you know where you stand.

He can’t blame forgetfulness.

Ok he forgot Mother's day, what about his family did they not ask as it was your first? Mother's day is a difficult thing to miss especially with your first brand new baby. I mean you only went through child birth!

I do think you are being quite mature about this but it can create a myrtyr complex and future mothering of him, reminding him every year of your birthday.
Yes I'm sure he's a busy man but he should remember your birthday.

Leave him to remember, if he does not the consequence is forgetting his birthday and any kind of special that goes with that.

Good luck with the training,

@popcornapples

He is very forgetful but he does not try hard - he would say so himself. He often buys presents last minute and forgets important occasions. He drives a van and is out and about every day so no, he wouldn't have missed any of the messaging around Mother's Day. In fact he had discussed it with me a week previously.

A very childish part of me really wants to see if he will remember by himself and wait till the day so I can have some kind of moral high ground and punish him somehow. But I know this is not healthy.

I would probably do the same. But make sure you have a nice birthday treat planned for yourself. Buy yourself flowers, posh orange juice, croissants...Have a lovely walk with a friend. I have been on my own for years and have learnt to make my own birthdays special

I'm so conflicted. I know the rational, mature thing to do would be to just tell him it's coming up and what I want to do. But I'm shit at communication and my more urgent impulse is to set him up to fail and then sit on my high horse.

But as posters have mentioned, I would be anxious and annoyed all week and I'd have the worst birthday. So cutting my nose off to spite my face.

But also why should I remind him?! I'm not his secretary, and he needs to grow up and remember things like this.

Just ask him what he is planning for your birthday. Yes it is rubbish if he hasn't remembered but why make it even more miserable by catching him out.