He forgot it's my birthday next week. Should I tell him it's coming up?

[popcornapples]

I'm asking because he forgot about Mother's Day as well. Which I didn't think I would care about, but it actually really bothered me as it's my first one and it's been a hard year.

I asked if he's got anything planned work wise next week (he's self employed). My birthday is next Wednesday. He told me what he's doing on what days, nothing mentioned about my birthday. I'm pretty sure he's forgotten. I'm a SAHM with a 7 month old baby. Together for 4 years, engaged.

Should I remind him? Or just be all passive aggressive and let him forget, then mention on the actual day.

OP even I forgot it was Mother’s Day this year and I was planning on getting a takeaway for it too so I’d been looking forward to it for weeks. It is so easy to just get the wrong date though especially for things like Mother’s Day but for a birthday I’d be a little more upset but you don’t know if he had actually forgotten or not.

I have zero patience for this. If someone is forgetful and knows they are forgetful, there is a plethora of resources to help them. From post it notes everywhere to synchronised calendars to online PA's.

You've been together four years and there is no fucking excuse for forgetting your birthday.

After I told him how I felt about Mother's Day he didn't make a fuss, no. He apologised and seemed sincere but that was all.

I don't normally care about things like Valentine's Day because it's not important to us as a couple - we have our anniversary, this is enough. It's just a random day. And I actually never celebrate Mother's Day or Father's Day with my family either because we are from a different culture/don't have a great relationship/they live far away. But even my mum, who I have a very strained relationship with, messaged me to say happy first Mother's Day.

I just want to clarify, we don't have an awful relationship and he is not abusive or horrible to me. I know he loves me and he makes me feel it, he doesn't just say it. But life is not simple and we both have our issues. Having our first baby in lockdown has been awful and our relationship has been tested. I just wanted an outside perspective on this one thing.

If it were me, I would say something like "my birthday is next week and I would like to make it special, to also make up for a bit of an underwhelming first mothers day too. I'd like us to have a nice meal and I'd like to open my birthday presents in the morning after breakfast and then go for a walk" - obviously you can chose what you want to do and when but you get the idea. The passive aggressive move just won't fix anything and you'll feel worse for doing it. Open and honest communication and let him know that you expect him to organise himself properly and make a fuss. It's not rocket science and he should know better.

I can't say about mother's day, because I refuse to celebrate it. But with birthdays, we have a family calender (a wall one) and all birthdays go on it. Mainly because I am shit at remembering them myself.

That way DP has no excuse to forget mine and if he doesn't send his family a card that is also on him.

@popcornapples

He is very forgetful but he does not try hard - he would say so himself. He often buys presents last minute and forgets important occasions. He drives a van and is out and about every day so no, he wouldn't have missed any of the messaging around Mother's Day. In fact he had discussed it with me a week previously.

A very childish part of me really wants to see if he will remember by himself and wait till the day so I can have some kind of moral high ground and punish him somehow. But I know this is not healthy.

Why create drama for yourself like this ? Just remind him and give him a few suggestions for what you want .

@intheenddoesitreallymatter

Given his update kick the bastard to the curb.

OP, you deserve so much better than this twunt.

Standard MN response 😂👌

I used to be a bit like this, I would get a sort of really short lived satisfaction from being 'right' that someone had let me down. Lots of counselling later I realised it was basically an excuse to not let my guard down and also not be vocal about what I want.

I preferred to not say what I expected / needed then be angry someone didn't live up to that expectation / need rather than say the expectation / need and them either say no (which would make me sad) or say yes (which would take away my reason to keep my guard up.)

It was a toxic way of behaving that hurt me greatly and I wish I had learned earlier why I did it. I am not calling you toxic or lecturing you, as everyone is different and I did it in many little ways a lot whereas this may be a rare occasion for you.

But something to think about.

Now I am open about what I expect / need, have a good and kind, level headed conversation about it if needed and both me and my partner are very happy. It helps being with someone who is also prepared to be open about what they want / need I think.

I really did used to get a kick out of it though in a horrible self destructive way, like I KNEW he didn't really care about me, all the nice stuff was bullshit etc. When actually sometimes someone just forgets stuff / doesn't know you're that bothered about it. Again, not in this case but if this is a behaviour pattern you recognise in yourself it's worth exploring if only in your own head!

Oh and sorry to quote Dr Phil (!) but it stuck with me when he said to someone "do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?"

Remind him and give him a chance to make it right before the day. My husband does this, a week before my birthday I always ask for his debit card so I can treat myself to something nice, he always agrees.

I think I’d forget about his birthday if I was you.

In my experience many men just do not put as much emphasis, or give much head-space on birthdays and other 'special' days.

Sorry but I don’t agree that that is true of all men, maybe it depends how they are brought up, what their dad is like, whether mum has always done wife work. I never did it all, DH does all his family birthdays, has never forgotten MD, my birthday, anniversary, etc, even the first year together when he was working abroad.

I have an adult son, back at home after uni for 4yrs, who has never once needed reminding about my birthday or Mother’s Day, similar for FD and his dad and sisters birthdays. He still knows when my mums birthday was, 5yrs after she died.

I have just had a birthday and both he, DH & DD asked me what presents I wanted (not much, but I still got some nice bits) and what I wanted to do, a few weeks in advance. He and his dad baked me a scrumptious cake.

Similar with Mother’s Day, we had been discussing maybe having an afternoon tea delivery. DS did all the leg work of contacting companies for food options (we have a vegetarian plus some allergies) and then making the booking, after consulting with the rest of us to discuss choice of sandwiches and cakes.

He also cooked Mother’s Day dinner, as DD had done breakfast (we had afternoon tea on Saturday). They both bought me a card and small present, as well as the afternoon tea.

As a pp said, no one can forget MD, even in lockdown! My DD works in retail, her shop was heaving on Saturday.

In your case Op, your partner chose not to mark your first MD, which shows how little respect he has for you.

Thanks @youvegottenminuteslynn, this is bang on the money.

Also thanks @XiCi x

Once I reminded him I realised there was no way I could have held out for a whole week.

Just remind him

With all that’s going on in the world right now and a new baby - it doesn’t surprise me that it may have slipped his mind.

I put two recurring reminders in my DH’s phone.

1. Crappy’s birthday in 7 days time
2. Crappy’s fucking birthday tomorrow

Strangely enough he hasn’t forgotten since

It’s my birthday next Wednesday too!! Hope he doesn’t forget @popcornapples

I seriously would just remind him. In fact I did for my birthday not so long ago, it was a big one
for me and I would have been disappointed if we didn't celebrate. He doesn't celebrate his own so there's never this expectation. He was really thoughtful on the day for mine however. Cutting off your nose to spite your face will just make you feel much worse! People do forget things!

It will probably sound sexist but in my experience men don't value birthdays / celebrations as much as women (I) do. Plus my DH is disorganised generally and no good at remembering dates. He always asks me the exact date of one of our DC's birthdays (she's nearly 16). I use our wedding date as a code for a lockable cabinet we have and am amazed he seems to have remembered it lately. He is not selfish or uncaring though.

I always mention my birthday up ahead (he never makes a fuss about his). I like to have a celebration and so make sure it happens. When they were younger I wanted to make sure he got presents for me from the kids (for their sake).

It's all very well to say he SHOULD remember but unless he's a nasty piece of work, I doubt he would forget intentionally.

Make sure he doesnt, don't be a martyr!

My DH doesn't remember birthdays and probably wouldn't remember his own if I didn't ask him what he wanted. I remind him about his siblings' and nephew's too. It's because I'm good at this and he doesn't see it as important. But he is a lovely guy and if this is the level of his imperfections then I can't complain - it doesn't mean he doesn't care.
I was upset he didn't do anything about my first Mother's Day, but he had no idea it meant anything to me - he knows now! I'm glad you've told your DH - just move on, and don't let it spoil your day. I hope he does something (however small) to make it special.

My dh is an adult. I do not remind him of, or buy presents for his families occasions. They are his responsibility. And his mum is now very aware of this too.

He would not be getting any acknowledgement of fathers day.

Ooh same birthday @doodlejump1980! Hope you have a lovely day too

Do remind, because when he forgets you both will be upset

If my post resonated with you OP then it really is worth at some point looking at some counselling about this particular issue.

For me, it stemmed from my childhood and it was so useful and productive to know why I did something that made no logical sense by getting a sort of satisfaction from being let down as it meant my view of the world and people in general was right.

Counselling was life changing. CBT can be really helpful for this as it challenges your sequence of thinking and behaviour, so you can make a conscious choice to change that sequence of thinking so the resulting behaviour can change too.

I can’t believe some of the comments on this thread.

You live together and have a child and he didn’t bother with your first Mother’s Day and now looks likely to have forgotten about your birthday(!)

Unacceptable. The more women excuse this shitty (and frankly unclassy and impolite behaviour - even my old boss messaged me on Sunday to say happy first Mother’s Day!) the longer it will continue.

No one is saying that OP needs to put up with it, or excusing it, what we are saying is that if something is bothering her to actually talk to her partner about it, instead of going off in a passive aggressive huff and not resolving the situation.

The attack/defence routine is not a healthy dynamic for a relationship