He forgot it's my birthday next week. Should I tell him it's coming up?

[popcornapples]

I'm asking because he forgot about Mother's Day as well. Which I didn't think I would care about, but it actually really bothered me as it's my first one and it's been a hard year.

I asked if he's got anything planned work wise next week (he's self employed). My birthday is next Wednesday. He told me what he's doing on what days, nothing mentioned about my birthday. I'm pretty sure he's forgotten. I'm a SAHM with a 7 month old baby. Together for 4 years, engaged.

Should I remind him? Or just be all passive aggressive and let him forget, then mention on the actual day.

@popcornapples

I'm so conflicted. I know the rational, mature thing to do would be to just tell him it's coming up and what I want to do. But I'm shit at communication and my more urgent impulse is to set him up to fail and then sit on my high horse.

But as posters have mentioned, I would be anxious and annoyed all week and I'd have the worst birthday. So cutting my nose off to spite my face.

But also why should I remind him?! I'm not his secretary, and he needs to grow up and remember things like this.

Haha other posters are totally right. My impulse would be the high horse. Could you get someone else to nudge him so at least you don't have to plan it? . I stand by my advice of making it special for yourself. You should do that anyway. The one person you can always rely on on your birthday is you.

Remind him, and then he'll get you something nice, you will be happy and he will bask in the glory of his good deed

The alternative is you will by upset and sulk and he will feel guilty but defensive.

I’ve realised recently that I can have a quite toxic mindset when it comes to my emotions. I enjoy when people don’t meet my expectations and I can punish them for it.

I’ve realised this past year the only person who loses is me. I’ve started communicating my expectations and feelings to my family around me and honestly it’s extremely satisfying. Give it a try, by expressing what you need he can fulfil your wishes.

It can be frustrating having to spell it out endlessly but after a while they do get it. Give telling him what you need and expect a go, it may be a positive experience. If it falls of deaf ears then you may need to assess whether you want a more emotionally receptive partner.

Oh just remind him! '
'So what shall we do for my birthday on Wednesday then?'
You can see how quickly he thinks on his feet

(Disclaimer: I am very bloody minded and petty with this sort of thing)

I wouldn't tell him and then lay it on the line when he pretends to forget.

Because thats what it is. He does remember, he just can't be arsed to make the effort for you. Spoil yourself and guilt-trip dump the loser. If you are still together then he shouldn't 'forget' next year.

Order your favourite takeaway for one. Act incredulous when he asks where his is.

Last year your birthday would have been just after the start of lockdown and you would have been pregnant? So maybe not the greatest birthday? I would just say something like " after last year I am ooking forward to a nice day on my birthday this year, and then let him scramble about to sort something out for you.

Message him some present ideas, then ask if he's planning on cooking something special or ordering take away. Don't just ignore it, you'll only upset yourself. If he forgets after reminders though, well, you've got some thinking to do.

@intheenddoesitreallymatter

I’ve realised recently that I can have a quite toxic mindset when it comes to my emotions. I enjoy when people don’t meet my expectations and I can punish them for it.

I’ve realised this past year the only person who loses is me. I’ve started communicating my expectations and feelings to my family around me and honestly it’s extremely satisfying. Give it a try, by expressing what you need he can fulfil your wishes.

It can be frustrating having to spell it out endlessly but after a while they do get it. Give telling him what you need and expect a go, it may be a positive experience. If it falls of deaf ears then you may need to assess whether you want a more emotionally receptive partner.

This is me 100%. I'm starting to realise this about myself too! I also do it because I love punishing myself. I don't think I deserve good things and get a sadistic pleasure when other people prove me right.

Plan a meet with a close friend outdoors if possible so at the very least you do something on your birthday. Personally, I wouldn't mention it, but, would treat him the same on his birthday. When he asks you what you've done today, tell him, celebrating your birthday with a friend. As for making him his Mother's Day card - please! Bailing him out promotes same future behaviour. Here's hoping you have a truly lovely birthday.

It sounds like he doesn’t appreciate you. Your first Mother’s Day, really? What a bum. Get that ring on your finger quickly so then if it goes downhill you’re entitled to something.

You already have the moral high ground as he didn’t bother to mark your first Mother’s Day (and yes, before any of the usual clever dicks come on and say you’re not his mother, he didn’t remember her either!)

I’d say that the conversation about his plans next week has you concerned that he’s forgotten your birthday. Given that he didn’t help you celebrate Mother’s Day you hope he’s going to do better on behalf of himself and your DD for your birthday.

And tell him that if he doesn’t start making some effort for your special days that he can forget about getting anything for his birthday too. I’m sure you’re the type of person who would make an effort, so just don’t. Let Father’s Day slide without a mention, or at least not about him. Treat your dad, or take yourself and DD out for a nice day somewhere.

It’s petty but if he’s not going to bother then you don’t need to either, but you shouldn’t have to miss out altogether, so buy something nice for yourself from DD and when she’s older she can make you a card at nursery or something, bypassing the useless lump.

Also why put your happiness in someone else's hands and then expeft them to mind read and then be upset when it doesn't go as you wish. I really did expect my partner I had when I was in my early 20s to "just know" how to do things the way I'd like them.

Its far more grown up to express your own desires.

All too often people are disappointed by what their partner/family get them for their birthday/do and yet why play the whole childish guessing game in the first place.

This is me 100%. I'm starting to realise this about myself too! I also do it because I love punishing myself. I don't think I deserve good things and get a sadistic pleasure when other people prove me right.

That’s sad but also some great self awareness right there from you and intheend

Savings it’s not really mind reading to expect a card and some flowers or chocolates on Mother’s Day

@2020nymph

Remind him and also tell him how you feel about him forgetting Mother's Day. How he responses tells you what you need to know.

And happy birthday for next Wednesday!

^ this

Don’t bother with games or being passive aggressive- just felt him straight it’s upset you, and you don’t want him to forget it’s your birthday

Does he have to remember things for work? How does he cope with that? Perfectly fine? Most men do because they can pull themselves together enough to be good at their job. Good at “wife work” though, not so much because they see it as beneath them. Why remember that when you are there to remind him?

My DH is great in so many ways and he would never forget my birthday or Mother’s Day but I sort presents and cards for his family. His brother is the same. His two sisters always sorted presents for their mum and dad before and let the pair of them get away with not thinking. That was clear this Mother’s Day when MIL got a present from us (sorted by me) and presents from both SILs. Nothing from BIL.

I think not celebrating the other person in return is just really petty. And if the other person isn't fussed by celebrations just means you become a couple who don't "do" birthdays etc. Some people are happy with this so you would be the only person this hurts.

And retaliating is just so childish. Again if long term goal is a healthy relationship this is not the way to do it.

If you express what you want then they can learn what is good for you.

You need to decide if you want to have a nice time or spend the night sulking and arguing.
If the former, throw him a line and remind him. Give him a chance to do good.
Up to you really...

Well I just told him. I said are you sure you're not forgetting something next week. And then he blatantly said - it's your birthday next week. I think he saw me writing some posts here over my shoulder.

I then said to him, you'd forgotten hadn't you? And he said no of course not. So why didn't he mention anything when I asked him earlier? He doesn't say anything. I asked him if he has the day off and he just went on his phone with a smirk on his face.

He will now deny he had forgotten it and he is sitting in the next room ignoring me. I should have just stayed quiet.

Missed your update OP.

Im sad you feel like that but suspected that might entirely be the case. Often when we have low feelings about ourselves we look for opportunities to prove that feeling right.
Well done for noticing. It is so hard to seein yourself sometimes (and I certainly was the same in my 20s) .

I hope you have a lovely birthday x

Does it matter if he'd forgotten? He knows now!
You sound like you're spoiling for a fight..

Op - but you're still going in with the attitude of trying to "catch him out " and put him on the defensive aren't you!?

Suggest what you would like. Work together rather than trying to set him up to fail.

How did you know he'd forgotten?

Say it tell him. Tell him you’re expecting him to pull out all the stops as it will also be Mother’s Day celebration too.

Make a big deal of it if that’s what you want from him.

Pointless seething quietly.

Tell him.

He sounds like a twat. What’s he like day to day?