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Original poster

He forgot it's my birthday next week. Should I tell him it's coming up?

133 replies

popcornapples · 17/03/2021 18:36

I'm asking because he forgot about Mother's Day as well. Which I didn't think I would care about, but it actually really bothered me as it's my first one and it's been a hard year.

I asked if he's got anything planned work wise next week (he's self employed). My birthday is next Wednesday. He told me what he's doing on what days, nothing mentioned about my birthday. I'm pretty sure he's forgotten. I'm a SAHM with a 7 month old baby. Together for 4 years, engaged.

Should I remind him? Or just be all passive aggressive and let him forget, then mention on the actual day.

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 17/03/2021 19:49

@popcornapples

Well I just told him. I said are you sure you're not forgetting something next week. And then he blatantly said - it's your birthday next week. I think he saw me writing some posts here over my shoulder.

I then said to him, you'd forgotten hadn't you? And he said no of course not. So why didn't he mention anything when I asked him earlier? He doesn't say anything. I asked him if he has the day off and he just went on his phone with a smirk on his face.

He will now deny he had forgotten it and he is sitting in the next room ignoring me. I should have just stayed quiet.

Nope don’t be upset, tell him you expect all the stops pulled out you expect a spectacular birthday as this is your second lockdown birthday and he needs to make it amazing.

Yeah let him feel pressure to do well.

Original poster
popcornapples · 17/03/2021 19:49

I know he'd forgotten. He was talking about his plans for next week in detail with no mention of and I know him well enough to know that.

Maybe I am spoiling for a fight. I was trying to be mature in telling him but now he's made it worse by denying he's forgotten.

Honestly the whole thing is so childish and I will take the advice of pp - I will make my birthday nice for myself, by myself (with my little one) and expect nothing from anyone else.

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 17/03/2021 19:50

@popcornapples

I know he'd forgotten. He was talking about his plans for next week in detail with no mention of and I know him well enough to know that.

Maybe I am spoiling for a fight. I was trying to be mature in telling him but now he's made it worse by denying he's forgotten.

Honestly the whole thing is so childish and I will take the advice of pp - I will make my birthday nice for myself, by myself (with my little one) and expect nothing from anyone else.

I you like him? Do you want to stay together in a relationship with him?
SavingsQuestions · 17/03/2021 19:51

OP you weren't being mature you were going in for a fight.

Do you want to be with this person?

Why not say what you want? Or plan something nice as a family.

leftistbimbo · 17/03/2021 19:51

I would remind him in a way that doesn’t completely spell it out for him.

Maybe organise a walk with your mum or a friend, then tell DP all breezy “going to meet mum for a walk so she can give me my card and pressie, can you watch DC for an hour on Wednesday afternoon? I think I fancy getting an Indian, unless you have any other ideas.”

SavingsQuestions · 17/03/2021 19:51

Snap!

WTF99 · 17/03/2021 19:52

Oh ffs, of course hes not going to admit hes forgotten! Why would he? And why does it matter? People are not infallible. He knows now, and presumably has got the message that its quite important to you. I really hope you're pleased with that he comes up with, though tbh I'm not hopeful....yiu do sound quite hard to please!

Notverygrownup · 17/03/2021 19:53

Don't let him smirk at you. Remind him how hurtful it is when someone who is supposed to love you, forgets important days and makes no effort for you. Then buy him a diary or calendar and write in it - for this year only - your birthday, anniversary, mothers day, valentines day, Easter day, your baby's birthday, your mother's birthday - anything that is important to you. Tell him that grown ups write these things down, they don't have magic memories and they use these diaries year after year to look after the person they say that they love. Then don't mention it again. Ever. If he had no way of remembering before, he will now. If he has no common sense, you have given him a system. He's a grown up. If he now chooses not to use it, he is making a big statement about how much he cares.

Original poster
popcornapples · 17/03/2021 19:54

I like him when he's nice. As pp noted very eloquently, he is a thoughtless pillock often.

Yep I am not mature and yes I was probably going in for a fight. I got one! I just wanted to hear people's opinions, thanks for all the constructive feedback everyone.

OP posts:
XiCi · 17/03/2021 19:55

I honestly think though that if my DH ignored my first mother's day then forgot my birthday the next week Id be making plans to leave him. And I mean that. I couldn't be with someone that thought so very little of me. That's not a healthy relationship to be in. So yes, if you think this would fester and cause almighty fucking problems then just say to him 'I hope you've got something really special planned for my birthday after the shitshow on mother's day'

If he really is unable to remember a thing then maybe a calendar in the kitchen where you both write important dates on.

By the way, what did he do when you reminded him about mother's day? You say he was mortified but did he then get in his car, buy you flowers, card and present and make a fuss of you? Because if all he did was ask you to make you're own card thats fucking awful

tenlittlecygnets · 17/03/2021 19:56

What do you usually do for his birthday, and he for yours? If he forgets yours, I'd do the same to him. He's an adult. There's no reason not to set a reminder if you have a shit memory.

And stop doing his Mother's Day cards and presents! They're down to him.

You should sit down and say how it makes you feel when he forgets Mother's Day - especially your first one, what a twat.

You DO deserve nice things and to be spoiled on your birthday.

PomegranateQueen · 17/03/2021 19:57

A few years into our relationship my DH forgot to get me a valentine's day card. We were staying at MIL and it was utterly humiliating to see them exchange cards. I sat him down and told him that I will never accept forgetfulness as an excuse, these occasions are advertised all over the shops well in advance and he knows I have a birthday once a year. I also told him that I will never take on wife work so he needs to remember his Mum's, sister's, Gran's birthdays himself.

Do not tell him when your birthday is, sit him down and tell him how being forgotten on mother's day made you feel and remind him that you have a birthday once a year, hopefully this will prompt him to ask you when it is.

WTF99 · 17/03/2021 19:57

Can I just say....he's not yet made no effort @Notverygrownup has he? Having been reminded, if he now fails to deliver, well then that's a different matter. But give the guy a chance ffs..
though I do wonder if anything will be good enough

XiCi · 17/03/2021 19:57

X post. Hope he pulls something special out of the bag for your birthday OP

Shoxfordian · 17/03/2021 19:57

He sounds like a knob
Why are you even bothering? You like him when he’s nice but what about the rest of the time?

Original poster
popcornapples · 17/03/2021 19:59

@WTF99

Oh ffs, of course hes not going to admit hes forgotten! Why would he? And why does it matter? People are not infallible. He knows now, and presumably has got the message that its quite important to you. I really hope you're pleased with that he comes up with, though tbh I'm not hopeful....yiu do sound quite hard to please!
You're absolutely right, of course he was going to deny. I don't know if I'm hard to please, maybe I am with him on this occasion because he has let me down. I was simply asking what other people would do in my situation, thank you for your advice
OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 17/03/2021 20:00

I like him when he's nice.

That's a low bar for a relationship OP, most people like anyone when they're being nice!

But if they aren't nice the majority of the time, or if on the occasions they aren't nice (even if those are rare) they are properly nasty... what's the point being with them?

XiCi · 17/03/2021 20:01

I'm not hopeful....yiu do sound quite hard to please!
Oh yes. Expecting your DH to remember your first mother's day when you've just given birth and remember your birthday is so fucking demanding.
God, some people's bars are so low. Christ knows what they are putting up with.

ilikemethewayiam · 17/03/2021 20:02

Personally I wouldn’t remind my partner about any special occasion. It’s the same day every year and we all have smart phones, iPads etc. They can be programmed to remind you half a dozen times! In this day and age there is no excuse.

XiCi · 17/03/2021 20:02

WTF99 is 100% the OPs DH Grin

rosegoldwatcher · 17/03/2021 20:03

In my experience many men just do not put as much emphasis, or give much head-space on birthdays and other 'special' days.
I include my own grown up (and fabulous) sons, who need reminding a fortnight before the birthdays of their mother (me!), father, grandparents and each other.

Remind him - don't try to trip him up.

WhiskyIrnBru · 17/03/2021 20:03

Gosh
This is really accurate for me too!

WTF99 · 17/03/2021 20:04

My fella is very kind and thoughtful but hes also very busy and often only sees what is in front of him work so I will quite happily say 'you havent forgotten it's my birthday next week have you?' And then neither of us is disappointed.

I wouldn't dream of giving him a lecture or a calendar...but then I'm confident that he loves me and I have fairly robust self esteem that isn't dependent on him having a good memory

intheenddoesitreallymatter · 17/03/2021 20:04

Given his update kick the bastard to the curb.

OP, you deserve so much better than this twunt.

WTF99 · 17/03/2021 20:05

@rosegoldwatcher

In my experience many men just do not put as much emphasis, or give much head-space on birthdays and other 'special' days. I include my own grown up (and fabulous) sons, who need reminding a fortnight before the birthdays of their mother (me!), father, grandparents and each other.

Remind him - don't try to trip him up.

This
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