He forgot it's my birthday next week. Should I tell him it's coming up?

[popcornapples]

I'm asking because he forgot about Mother's Day as well. Which I didn't think I would care about, but it actually really bothered me as it's my first one and it's been a hard year.

I asked if he's got anything planned work wise next week (he's self employed). My birthday is next Wednesday. He told me what he's doing on what days, nothing mentioned about my birthday. I'm pretty sure he's forgotten. I'm a SAHM with a 7 month old baby. Together for 4 years, engaged.

Should I remind him? Or just be all passive aggressive and let him forget, then mention on the actual day.

My two adult children will probably forget my birthday in a few days time, they remembered Mother's days this year, so will probably think this is enough remembering this year ! I don't get upset about these things at all though.

Some people seem to have unrealistically high expectations of a partner. While the partner should care for one's welfare, they don't have to be Mr Perfect, since it's unlikely any of us are perfect either.

I have two friends who never forget anyone's birthday, anniversary etc. Maybe they have amazing memories or just a good recording system. Whatever, I can't quite emulate them. I do record family and friends birthdays in an old address book, but I don't look at it regularly and rely on other cues to prompt me into remembering. I do have a good memory. My DH doesn't. So I remind him.

It's not very mature to get so emotional over these things. And it's a big stretch to say, he can't remember so he doesn't love or respect you. Some people have bigger issues in their lives, so don't sweat all the small stuff.

Glad you have reminded him OP. Don't force him into situations where he will fail, that's very passive aggressive and not a desirable way to be.

Once a year birthday is a small thing?
I wonder how he would react if OP forgot his birthday, or 'forgot' to get him anything for Christmas....

Small things are relatively anyway. Growing up we were never a birthday family but my OH's was and as a result he loves a big birthday. I go all out for his birthday because I know it means something to him.

It’s not an unrealistically high expectation to expect a birthday present from your partner. It’s actually standard, shouldn’t even be a question. It’s sad people settle for much less than that

And it's not about 'forcing him into situations where he will fail' it's about expecting the man who supposedly loves you to want to make you happy.

Tell him because then he has a chance to do something. I haven't read all your posts but it is possible he cares but has also forgotten. You will be upset if he doesn't even give you a card.

We have a wall calendar on the kitchen and all the birthdays are on it. Sometimes we'll have a look and point out who has birthdays coming up and it's a good visual reminder that's always there as you walk past

Unrealistically high expectation to remember your birthday? Jesus.

While the partner should care for one's welfare, they don't have to be Mr Perfect
Doing things to make your partner happy like making a bit of a fuss of them on their birthday and remembering the two of you have just had a baby and its your wife's first mother's day is hardly being Mr or Mrs Perfect. Most people surely want more from their partner than that they 'care for their welfare'. God that is so sad and depressing.

Not having a go op but why are women in general ( and I include myself in this ) soooo passive when it comes to asking for what we want in relationships ?

I'm sure you weren't asking for a kardashian style show of affection so why can't we say What we want - ideally in advance so we cut them some slack

I would worry a lot more about being a SAHM without being married than about a birthday, tbh.

I wouldn't remind him, and if he doesn't remember, I wouldn't remember his birthday either.

@nitsandwormsdodger

Not having a go op but why are women in general ( and I include myself in this ) soooo passive when it comes to asking for what we want in relationships ? I'm sure you weren't asking for a kardashian style show of affection so why can't we say What we want - ideally in advance so we cut them some slack

I don't really know tbh. Maybe because we expect things naively, without realising we have to spell some things out. I'm totally passive and always have been, maybe it's just a personality trait for some.

@DropDTuning

I would worry a lot more about being a SAHM without being married than about a birthday, tbh.

He asked me to marry him when I got pregnant and then Covid happened. Not saying we can't get married straight away if we wanted to, but I'd like a normal wedding in normal times, hence why we are not married yet.

If birthdays and holidays are so important to you that you ruminate for days about it, why on earth be involved and have a child with someone who can't be bothered?

I’ve started communicating my expectations and feelings to my family around me and honestly it’s extremely satisfying. Give it a try, by expressing what you need he can fulfil your wishes

This 'communication' obsession is just being used by people online now to invalidate women's perfectly reasonable expectations for respect from their partners. You should not need to 'communicate' to him that he needs to remember your birthday, he should just have the basic courtesy to remember it himself. Men are just simple, useless creatures though, right? It's wifey's job to remind him to behave with basic manners.

I'm surprised by a lot of these comments, MN is usually good about not telling women to do 'wife work'. OP very clearly communicated that these special days are important to her when she told him how disappointed she was that he had forgotten Mother's Day. He knew her birthday was important to her, it is his responsibility to ensure that he acknowledges his partner's birthday. I cannot believe people are seriously suggesting that it is OP's responsibility to remind him about her own birthday.

You were certainly not spoiling for a fight either, or being 'passive aggressive'. You knew that he had forgotten your birthday and so you were rightly angry, and wanted to be able to express your anger. That is completely healthy imo. Again, it is NOT YOUR JOB to remind your partner to treat you with consideration and acknowledge you.

I would be expecting him to pull out all the stops for your birthday now, since you kindly reminded him of it. I would also be expecting him to never forget Mother's Day or your birthday again.

I absolutely wouldn't remind, I'd wait until your actually birthday and if there's nothing from him I'd kick up a massive fuss. Could be wrong but that's what I'd do. In fact, many year ago when I was dating my husband, he indeed forgot my birthday, I was so extremely pissed off and offended that it never happened again in 11 years.

@popcornapples

Well I just told him. I said are you sure you're not forgetting something next week. And then he blatantly said - it's your birthday next week. I think he saw me writing some posts here over my shoulder.

I then said to him, you'd forgotten hadn't you? And he said no of course not. So why didn't he mention anything when I asked him earlier? He doesn't say anything. I asked him if he has the day off and he just went on his phone with a smirk on his face.

He will now deny he had forgotten it and he is sitting in the next room ignoring me. I should have just stayed quiet.

What he actually does now for your birthday will be very telling.

Either way, you’re not spoiling for a fight, you pointed out that you thought he’d forgotten. Obviously you could have taken PP advice and passive aggressively just slipped into conversation that you want a takeaway on your birthday etc but you confronted him honestly and transparently.

You’re not a bloody robot, so obviously you felt hurt after his Mother’s Day failure and may have been emotional about it, but his smirking and ignoring you are not good signs. He sounds like a petulant child.

Tough shit for him. He’d better do something nice for you now, and not be all “you ruined my surprise so I didn't get you anything” to try and teach you a lesson.

I do think you should forget Father’s Day and reciprocate for his birthday with whatever level of effort he puts in for yours.

He sounds crap

@frazzledasarock

I do think you should forget Father’s Day and reciprocate for his birthday with whatever level of effort he puts in for yours.

He sounds crap

Absolutely - nothing petty about it, you get out what you put in and at the moment he’s taking and not giving, so just redress the balance. If he gives a shit he’ll notice and do better and if he doesn’t then no harm done - as PP said, you become one of those couples who ‘don’t do birthdays’ instead of one of those couples where the wife does birthdays begrudgingly and the bloke does fuck all.

Well at least now he knows it is your birthday.

And according to him, he hadn't forgotten, so that means he has had plenty of time to plan something lovely/pick a decent gift etc.

You have 1-years notice for every birthday, how long do you need?

@popcornapples Happy Birthday! 🎂

Happy Birthday 🥳 I hope he remembers and you are treated well.

I am always amazed when people use the excuse of having a poor memory for forgetting someone’s birthday. We have calendars (electronic or paper) not to mention birthday books where you can keep a note of a date that comes up year after year. My SIL is lovely and extremely generous with presents for my offspring, but regularly forgets until she sees it on Facebook, and I always wonder why she doesn’t just write them down somewhere permanent. She’s a high powered business woman and a great organiser, and yet their birthdays seem to take her by surprise each year!

Happy Birthday to @popcornapples - hope you have a great day!

What a lovely thing to wake up to on my birthday! A bunch of strangers on the internet wishing me happy birthday and even my partner remembered

He actually took me out on Friday for a walk (he took the day off because the weather was nice) in lieu of Mother's Day. Today I got a lie in and he did all the night wakings for the little one. I woke up to lots of nice presents and he had professionally printed out a bunch of photos of DS for us to put in a photo album.

Thank you to you lovely strangers! Let that be a lesson to me to not be a passive aggressive twat!