Pregnant and husband doesn't want the baby

[PinkElephant7]

I've just found out I'm pregnant with my second child and DH doesn't want it. We've been together for 7 years and our son is 2 1/2. It isn't the ideal time but I'm 41 so conscious this is my last chance. We haven't been using protection and I wasn't concerned because I'm fine about having another child. We tried last year because I wanted to but it didn't happen for us then. I had accepted the fact that it wasn't going to happen and then it did but DH is adamant that he doesn't have the patience for another and won't be able to cope. What to do?!! He refuses to take responsibility and thinks that a termination is no big deal. My instinct is to tell him to get lost and I'll do it alone but of course that breaks up the family we currently have. I also don't have family that can help or much of a support network locally so I feel like he has left me without much choice!

Jeeze, kids can be hard work at the best of times but having to go through all that for a child you didn't want in the first place is the Labour of Hercules.

Trying is ‘DH, I’m ovulating this week according to my sticks/app/chart/temperature, so we need to be at it most nights’

Not trying is having a shag when you fancy it regardless of dates but knowing that you’re not on contraception*

But when the outcome of both is potentially the same - pregnancy- it’s semantics to call them “trying” and “not not trying”.

There may not be a difference until you realise there might be a problem - inability to conceive after a few months or knowing the woman is getting near the end of childbearing years. In those cases, you don't wait to feel in the mood and you do try to work out the best days to conceive. Very different from being relaxed about it and waiting to see what happens. I speak from experience.

Agree the nanny comment is ridiculous. Many people use childcare and many mothers work full time. Of course you are still looking after your child and will be with it every morning, evening, night and weekend, for starters. Even a live-in nanny would expect time off.

@knittingaddict

Have you never TTC?

Trying is generally cycle tracking, possibly with basal temperature or ovulation tests or other ovulation trackers, alongside sex within the recommended window, alongside possibly conception supplements etc.

MarshmallowAra I've "tried to conceive" and it involved none of that malarkey. For many it just involves having sex and not using contraception. Just like the op really.

If that was just like the op, she wouldn't have distinguished between trying and not trying.

There's no such thing as "trying" for a baby really. You're either trying NOT TO have a baby or you're not using contraception because you want to fall pregnant or you're stupid and/or lazy (in the case of OPs DH). Simple as.

@TJ17

There's no such thing as "trying" for a baby really. You're either trying NOT TO have a baby or you're not using contraception because you want to fall pregnant or you're stupid and/or lazy (in the case of OPs DH). Simple as.

My exH hated the term 'trying for a baby' so when we talked about having kids, it was just 'right, I'm not on contraception any more. That means I might get pregnant. Yes?' He was still shocked when it happened. All three times. It was bizarre!

no such thing as "trying" for a baby really. You're either trying NOT TO have a baby or you're not using contraception.

This

You’ve both been really silly, with your lax attitude towards contraception. However, as the person not wanting another, he should have taken active to steps to prevent it. Unfortunately, some men view abortion as a form of contraception, a form of contraception that doesn’t impact them.

Do not terminate if you don’t want to.

If you want the baby, continue with the pregnancy. You will find away to cope. By the time baby arrives you should be able to claim 30 hrs early years funding for preschool/nursery which will help with the load. Then before you know it your older one will be at school.

Please do not let your husband pressurise you into a termination because it suits him.

I’ve got a close age gap between mine- 2 yrs 3 months. They are getting on well and play nicely most of the time. I have a girl and a boy.

I was in your shoes had two babies that my oh didn't want ....one year on
In some ways my oh is better parent ( more organised , better discipline) ... I do find that I take on more parenting and pay more for the kids things but it has worked out ok

I’d say pregnancy is the least of your worries with a man you’ve posted about previously as bullying your young son and the family dog and is manipulative.
Why even risk getting pregnant to this thug?
Whatever you decide, get yourself, child AND dog away from him.
How can you live with a man that abuses your dog?

The most heartbreaking threads on here are always the ones where a woman had an abortion to appease her man and then can't get over it. They always split and its always terrible.
Him crying that he didn't mean it.
Her crying that it seemed a lot like he did when he compelled her to abort and took her to the clinic.

A pp said on one of those threads. What will he say about why he left you. Because you had a newborn baby. His newborn baby. It's not a good look.

My ex tried endlessly to get me to abort my wonderful 13yo. I didn't, thank god. Ex (annoyingly) loves his son devotedly and always has. I can never tell anyone this irl but I often think of it. All the emotional guilt inducing crap. Son has certainly not had a crap life and it certainly wasn't for the best.

@Crystal90567

The most heartbreaking threads on here are always the ones where a woman had an abortion to appease her man and then can't get over it. They always split and its always terrible. Him crying that he didn't mean it. Her crying that it seemed a lot like he did when he compelled her to abort and took her to the clinic.

A pp said on one of those threads. What will he say about why he left you. Because you had a newborn baby. His newborn baby. It's not a good look.

My ex tried endlessly to get me to abort my wonderful 13yo. I didn't, thank god. Ex (annoyingly) loves his son devotedly and always has. I can never tell anyone this irl but I often think of it. All the emotional guilt inducing crap. Son has certainly not had a crap life and it certainly wasn't for the best.

Indeed. So many of them. There was on in Off the Beaten Track that was the OP's sister, classic of a childfree woman taking up with a man who had kids already. The sister got pregnant and the man bullied her for weeks until she had a 20 week abortion. He promised they'd try again when the time was right. It never was. That still haunts me.

These twats are all alike.

It’s so sad because men will never know what we go through and they’ll never understand.

@AyyX

It’s so sad because men will never know what we go through and they’ll never understand.

This is it in a nutshell!

Wow. How have you got a shred of respect left for him. Everything you have mentioned would be enough for me to be glad never to see him again and I never jump to ltb. I am jaw dropped at his total disregard of his own agency or responsibility and his blithe presumption that abortion is no biggy.

Someone said that elsewhere you've mentioned he bullies your son and dog?

Whatever happens regarding this pregnancy please consider stopping TTC again with this man.

Bullying a child and animal is low. Really, really low.

Just do what is best for you and your mental health its not a great situation to be in but at least your thinking about it I never felt I could think as the stakes were too high but now the pain is unbearable I wish you well whatever you do. I'm glad you have mumsnet to help.

One of my closest friends’ husband pushed her into aborting their second child. She did. Resentment grew. He later left her because another woman was more amenable to his selfishness and gave him a nice clean slate.

Congratulations 🎉! Keep the baby and stand your ground. If your DH is being cruel to you, then move to your parents to have a stress free pregnancy. Protect your little child from witnessing any nastiness and keep the baby safe.

Keep your baby.

If you terminate when you don't really want to, you'll never forgive him and your relationship will be over anyway.

Can't imagine who could ask their wife to abort the sibling of their first child without a very very compelling unavoidable reason.

Congratulations op! Regardless of how, this does seem like an answer to your prayers. Very best wishes for a happy healthy pregnancy x

Please don’t terminate! I was you 25 years ago and I grieve my lost baby every day. I got pregnant with a third baby after the coil slipped. DH insisted that I terminate. I did not realise at the time that I was married to a narcissist who had complete control over me. I felt I had no one to turn to - even the doctor at the hospital just scribbled her consent without even looking up. Not even a suggestion of offering me counselling. In my opinion no one regrets having a baby but most bitterly regret terminating one.

@Missymoo6

Please don’t terminate! I was you 25 years ago and I grieve my lost baby every day. I got pregnant with a third baby after the coil slipped. DH insisted that I terminate. I did not realise at the time that I was married to a narcissist who had complete control over me. I felt I had no one to turn to - even the doctor at the hospital just scribbled her consent without even looking up. Not even a suggestion of offering me counselling. In my opinion no one regrets having a baby but most bitterly regret terminating one.

Sadly lots of people regret having had a child. It’s a taboo to discuss so people erroneously think it doesn’t happen. But I promise you, it does.

Many people regret having a baby

To terminate a baby you do want would cause regret though & be traumatic

But to say nobody regrets having children is false

That's true, gutful, and it is easier to care for one if you are a single parent. However nobody should be coerced into an abortion and the idea of a husband insisting on that is very harsh.