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Original poster

Pregnant and husband doesn't want the baby

175 replies

PinkElephant7 · 15/03/2021 19:34

I've just found out I'm pregnant with my second child and DH doesn't want it. We've been together for 7 years and our son is 2 1/2. It isn't the ideal time but I'm 41 so conscious this is my last chance. We haven't been using protection and I wasn't concerned because I'm fine about having another child. We tried last year because I wanted to but it didn't happen for us then. I had accepted the fact that it wasn't going to happen and then it did but DH is adamant that he doesn't have the patience for another and won't be able to cope. What to do?!! He refuses to take responsibility and thinks that a termination is no big deal. My instinct is to tell him to get lost and I'll do it alone but of course that breaks up the family we currently have. I also don't have family that can help or much of a support network locally so I feel like he has left me without much choice!

OP posts:
dottiedodah · 16/03/2021 09:38

Maybe hes in a bit of shock ATM?(Although this always annoys me as he has been enjoying having Sex with you and then wham. A baby happens! Who knew?! ) Give him a bit of time to come round .Tell him you are keeping the baby and thats that .He will have to deal with it .This happened to a friend of mine actually and once babe was born he was head over heels!

GappyValley · 16/03/2021 09:42

@Daisydoesnt

We weren't trying anymore. We had agreed that we wouldn't not try. He knew full well I wasn't using birth control so I thought he was on the same page as me and we would accept it if it happened

Can someone explain to me the difference between “weren’t trying anymore” and “wouldn’t not try”??? Are we just talking frequency? Or what you hoped might happen?

It seems “trying” is such a misleading word. Last year, you weren’t using contraception. This year, you also weren’t using contraception.

Have you never ttc?

Trying is ‘DH, I’m ovulating this week according to my sticks/app/chart/temperature, so we need to be at it most nights’

Not trying is having a shag when you fancy it regardless of dates but knowing that you’re not on contraception

dottiedodah · 16/03/2021 09:42

MarshmallowAra "male dominated forum discussing putting abortifacients in partners tea" WTAF! Honestly I think I have heard everything but that has shocked me to the core TBH!

StrudelSoup · 16/03/2021 09:43

It really sounds like you want the baby.

I actually think the way your husband has behaved (taking no responsibility for contraception and pressuring you to terminate) is disgusting. Irrespective of what you decide I'd be reevaluating my opinion of this man.

I think a good way to get your head straight is to imagine various scenarios playing out - draw a really big picture in your head. Like how would you feel if you have a termination and then down the road the relationships break up anyway? If you know you'd regret the termination then you perhaps have your answer.

I am biased though because I had my youngest at 41 and she's everything. So I declare that openly.

dottiedodah · 16/03/2021 09:45

If he bullies Son and Dog then just bin bin bin!

MarshmallowAra · 16/03/2021 10:14

@dottiedodah

MarshmallowAra "male dominated forum discussing putting abortifacients in partners tea" WTAF! Honestly I think I have heard everything but that has shocked me to the core TBH!
Body building forum.

They also often "jokingly" add images of women crumpled at the bottom of stairs with "she just tripped lol" to the "I want my gf to have an abortion" threads.

I've seen online bought abortifacients added to smoothie suggested numerous times.

MarshmallowAra · 16/03/2021 10:18

Oh and I've also seen the suggestion (when the op intends to end the relationship) that he "tell her it's not the right time but there will be other babies in future, after she's had the abortion, dump".

I've also seen one describe a fight that became physical with the young woman he'd pressured and manipulated to have an abortion as her being unhinged, crazy, madwomen, stupid bitch etc. And that he put her out of his apartment etc.

This was a few hours after the abortion when her hormones and emotions must have been all over the place.

That forum is rather eye opening on a number of fronts.

AmandaHoldensLips · 16/03/2021 10:32

None of my business obvs but was your husband aware that neither of you were using contraception?

Clearly he knew that HE wasn't taking precautions, but did he assume that you were on the pill or something?

So sorry that you're in this situation. Your body, your choice. (My brother has 4 unplanned children. He even said to me once, "I don't know how that happened". He's an idiot.)

MazekeenSmith · 16/03/2021 10:35

@AmandaHoldensLips

None of my business obvs but was your husband aware that neither of you were using contraception?

Clearly he knew that HE wasn't taking precautions, but did he assume that you were on the pill or something?

So sorry that you're in this situation. Your body, your choice. (My brother has 4 unplanned children. He even said to me once, "I don't know how that happened". He's an idiot.)

She has already said that he knew
AmandaHoldensLips · 16/03/2021 10:37

Apologies for stating the obvious. It's like these men don't actually consider that having sex results in making a baby. It's mind-boggling.

jessstan2 · 16/03/2021 10:52

Pink Elephant:

I think we could afford a nanny but then he says what's the point if someone else is looking after them.
..
He's wrong there. People who employ nannies still look after their children, they are in charge. Nannies free up parents to be able to work without worry but they are not parents.

CandyLeBonBon · 16/03/2021 11:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ for repeating deleted message. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AryaStarkWolf · 16/03/2021 11:05

We weren't trying anymore. We had agreed that we wouldn't not try. He knew full well I wasn't using birth control so I thought he was on the same page as me and we would accept it if it happened

I mean if you were having unprotected sex all the time then you were trying.

Anyway, I would not allow someone to force me in to having an abortion that i didn't want

Redruby2020 · 16/03/2021 11:54

@wandawombat

I swear I've seen this come up a couple of weeks ago. If he's been happily shagging away, don't think he's got grounds for complaining. Tell him to fuck off.
This is what I was thinking, like he knew you are not using any contraception, okay that was last year, so was he okay with you falling pregnant last year? So he has now decided differently, he doesn't seem to be the kind of person to not speak his mind, so I doubt he went along with it just for your sake, as he isn't doing that now, so then he should have insisted on using something!

I think re discuss the pregnancy etc with your DH, tell him where things stand for you, but also think about whether you could do it alone or not.

Redruby2020 · 16/03/2021 11:56

@Lollypop701

Will your relationship survive a termination? If you’re not sure, are you ok being a single parent of 2? Will (ex) dh be involved or just disappear into the night Dh is an ass hat... if he definitely didn’t want another child he should have made sure he didn’t have kne.
Oh hold on, I'm waiting for those who were slating those of us who had kids unmarried to come along, to say it would all be okay, yeah financially it's great or maybe better if they do go off in to the night, but not when they don't see child or help out.
Redruby2020 · 16/03/2021 11:59

@2020iscancelled

My DP literally didn’t speak for about 4 hours after I told him about our 2nd. He was shellshocked and really upset. It wasn’t planned but not a huge shock as the same as you we weren’t using protection.

There is only a small gap between them and we were struggling, especially with sleep deprivation and having very little time together as not much childcare and extended support from family / friends.

But he came round, we have a beautiful family now although I know he’d probably leave if a third came along Blush

At 41 you don’t have the luxury of time sorry, if I were you (and I have been!) then I would be keeping the baby.

The only reason to ever terminate a pregnancy would be because it’s your own choice - not anyone else’s.

If he definitely did not want another child then he should have either used condoms or have the snip

But how can he leave if a third came along if you wasn't using protection surely he would expect it right 🤦‍♀️
Daisydoesnt · 16/03/2021 12:30

*Trying is ‘DH, I’m ovulating this week according to my sticks/app/chart/temperature, so we need to be at it most nights’

Not trying is having a shag when you fancy it regardless of dates but knowing that you’re not on contraception*

But when the outcome of both is potentially the same - pregnancy- it’s semantics to call them “trying” and “not not trying”.

knittingaddict · 16/03/2021 12:36

Have you never TTC?

Trying is generally cycle tracking, possibly with basal temperature or ovulation tests or other ovulation trackers, alongside sex within the recommended window, alongside possibly conception supplements etc.

MarshmallowAra I've "tried to conceive" and it involved none of that malarkey. For many it just involves having sex and not using contraception. Just like the op really.

RoseLimeade · 16/03/2021 12:51

I think a lot of posters are missing the fact that OP having a baby (and her marriage likely breaking down) would be such an upheaval and potentially devastating for their toddler tbh.

His needs come first: if your marriage is fried either way, then it will be a heck of a lot harder on him dealing with his parents divorcing while a newborn is involved and his mum is exhausted and her attention is split than if there is no new sibling.

I can’t tell you what to do and if you want the baby then it’s down to you to decide to go ahead with it. But your relationship sounds doomed anyway, what terrible communication between the two of you on such a huge issue. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself not terminating. It’s different if it’s your first, but your little boy is the one who will be most affected by your and your husband’s decisions here.

aSofaNearYou · 16/03/2021 13:01

@RoseLimeade

I think a lot of posters are missing the fact that OP having a baby (and her marriage likely breaking down) would be such an upheaval and potentially devastating for their toddler tbh.

His needs come first: if your marriage is fried either way, then it will be a heck of a lot harder on him dealing with his parents divorcing while a newborn is involved and his mum is exhausted and her attention is split than if there is no new sibling.

I can’t tell you what to do and if you want the baby then it’s down to you to decide to go ahead with it. But your relationship sounds doomed anyway, what terrible communication between the two of you on such a huge issue. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself not terminating. It’s different if it’s your first, but your little boy is the one who will be most affected by your and your husband’s decisions here.

I think this is really judgemental and one sided. Equally OP is 41, this may be her last chance to have another child if SHE wants one, and she may also be of the opinion that she would like her son to have a sibling. "I wouldn't be able to live with myself not terminating" is a huge guilt trip to put on someone that may in fact not be able to forgive herself FOR terminating.
RoseLimeade · 16/03/2021 13:07

Of course, and like I say it’s down to OP what she decides to do. She has asked for advice though, she doesn’t have to take it, but that’s my honest view and whether OP appreciates it (or sees it) or not I’m glad I shared it as it’s an angle I haven’t seen many other posters consider. We don’t have to all agree :)

hardboiledeggs · 16/03/2021 13:24

Regardless of whether he wants this baby or not, he's not really worried about you is he? It's not his body that has to go through a termination so he should not be pushing you into anything. I get that he doesn't want this baby but maybe he should have had the snip to prevent it if he was that bothered.

Lockheart · 16/03/2021 13:37

You must have had a conversation about the fact that you were not going to use any more contraception and what you would both want to do if you fell pregnant? If he knew you weren't using contraception anymore (and you knew he wasn't using any either), there should have been a discussion about what would happen if... etc etc. Or have you both just gone along hoping that it would / wouldn't happen and not talking about it?

When the dust has settled and the initial shock has passed you both need a serious chat about how things will go from here on out. You've both been laissez-faire and now you both have to decide how you will deal with the consequences. He's been spectacularly stupid to think that this couldn't happen, but maybe he assumed you'd have an abortion, just as you assumed he would want the baby.

Weigh out all your options, and if you want the baby, you should keep it and make it clear to him that's how it will go.

It may mean the end of your relationship, but the only way you might be able to save it (if you want to, of course) is with clear and honest communication.

If you do stay together, make sure that you both know and are happy with your contraceptive choices - never just go along assuming you know how the other person is feeling.

Naunet · 16/03/2021 14:24

God there are some misogynistic replies on this thread - both not using protection, OP, is happy to accept the consequences of that, he is not, yet somehow, that’s her fault 🙄 men really aren’t held accountable for their actions in the same way women are. It’s simple, if you don’t want children, you use protection, the magic words “I don’t want a baby”, don’t actually work as a form of contraception.

oreo2020 · 16/03/2021 14:33

Absolutely keep the baby - it sounds like you want it and if anything you can do it on your own!

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